Jeff from Ridgemont, CA writes, "Cynthia Rodriguez, wife of New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez, has filed for divorce, citing marital misconduct, including extramarital affairs, one of which may include a relationship with Madonna. Should I even care about this?"
Should you care about this? Of course you should. Just the potential of a New York Yankee in the courtroom is tabloid gold. You think Roger Clemens is a bumbling idiot, wait until you see A-Rod try to talk his way out of this one. There's tabloid gold in them there hills, I tell you. And the bookies can have a field day with the situation as well. What's the over/under for A-Rod? Why, "Madonna," of course. And just wait until Mrs. Rodriguez stuns the courtroom when she announces that she's got gauze with Madonna's DNA on it. And imagine the gasps when A-Rod's counsel, during cross-examination, counters with, "Who doesn't?"
Neither A-Rod nor Madonna are admitting to any type of romantic relationship right now, although several reputable publications, in between Britney Spears updates, have reported that Rodriguez made several late night visits to Madonna's lavish New York City apartment, which features a bedroom complete with an "on-deck circle" and a Madonna S&M favorite, the "batting cage." I'm inclined to believe a sexual relationship exists. Madonna has a history with professional athletes, including Jose Canseco and Dennis Rodman. You could probably add many more pro athletes to that list. In fact, Madonna has been known to boast on occasion that she's been with so many baseball players, you could say she's "touched them all." And judging by her previous proclivity for group sex, I'd say it's safe to say she's "gone down swinging" quite often.
A-Rod's no saint, either. This isn't his first foray into marital discord. He has a lengthy history with strippers, and once these ladies take the stand in court, you can be sure they'll testify that fastballs aren't the only thing A-Rod likes "down and in." Heck, if you took all of the strippers A-Rod's been involved with, they'd likely cover the entire length of the left field foul pole at Yankee Stadium. A-Rod's a major league superstar; he's practically at second base the minute he walks into the strip club. He easily moves to third when management comps him in the VIP room. Then, he scores easily on a "single to center." As such a celebrity, A-Rod's activities with strippers are well-documented, and should this become a factor in a divorce settlement, then Mrs. Rodriguez has the advantage.
And what of Mrs. Rodriguez's transgressions? Allegedly, she's been enjoying the company of rocker Lenny Kravitz in Kravitz's home in Paris. Is it considered good parenting to file for divorce, jet to the Paris home of Kravitz, and leave your three-year-old and two-month-old back in Miami? Hopefully, there's a nanny involved in all of this. If so, I bet she's hot, and A-Rod's probably executed the "hit and run" with her on several occasions.
True to form, Kravitz has denied an improper relationship, insisting that the public just "Let Love Rule." He was adamant in his assertion that Cynthia Rodriguez is there to escape the media firestorm in New York. Said Kravitz, "I believe her exact words were, 'I want to get away; I want to fly away. Yeeeaaaahh.'" I'm sure Kravitz's next words were, "Are you gonna go my way?"
Not buying it, Lenny. You're more of a player than A-Rod. And haven't you yourself had a previous relationship with Madonna, also a relationship that you denied? I know the tabloids and saucy periodicals pounce on 'love triangles;' my gosh, they'll go berzerk over a 'love rectangle.' Lenny Kravitz, Cynthia Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez, Madonna. Does scandal get any better than this? Maybe, if you substituted the Dallas Stars' Mike Modano for Madonna. Of course, it wouldn't be so incriminating for Modano to say he's seen more "five holes" than anyone, would it?
While it's more likely the case will be settled out of court, who could resist seeing Madonna on the stand defending her sexual activities to a ravenous prosecution. Talk about a "Material Grill." If Madonna needed material for a new album, she could certainly write plenty of songs based on this situation. Heck, she could title the album A-Rodica. If David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox condemned the actions of the parties involved, Madonna could sing "Papi Don't Preach." And, placing herself in the shoes of Cynthia Rodriguez, Madonna could croon in a song directed at A-Rod's infidelities, "Who's That Girl?" Or his explanations, "Vague." If a certain Yankee pitcher felt emotionally anguished should A-Rod and Madonna's love go bad, Madonna's "Don't Cry For Me, Mike Mussina" is sure to be a No. 1 hit. Singing of Cynthia Rodriguez's total distaste for her soon-to-be ex-husband, "Like Aversion" would put Madonna on top of the charts again. And her upbeat love song to a slumping-at-the-plate A-Rod would be called "(You Just Keep on Pushing Our Love Over the) Mendoza Line."
When all is said and done, lives will be forever altered, marriages will be shattered, fortunes will be lost, and countless people will be hurt. But that's the price the famous pay to keep us entertained. If A-Rod wants to step out on his wife, that's his prerogative. Credit him with a fielder's choice, and let him make as many visits to the "mound" as he chooses. If Mrs. Rodriguez wants out of the marriage, she's entitled to call a "balk." As far as Madonna and Kravitz are concerned, well, they're just "relievers."
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