Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch — Despite losing time to an unscheduled pit stop on lap 149 and battery problems later, Busch again proved that very little can hold him back, except possibly a sunscreen with an SBF lower than 140. Busch finished third, maintaining a comfortable 94-point lead in the Cup standings. Busch led 61 laps, three fewer than his brother Kurt, in recording his eighth top-five finish of the year.
"Kurt led more laps than me," says Busch, "and I'm happy for him. Kurt's had a tough year so far, but you can only hold a Busch brother down for so long. When we fight back, watch out! We were both held back for so long, Kurt by abnormally large ears, me by Hendrick Motorsports. We don't like to lose, and we've faced an abundance of beatings over time, Kurt by enraged drivers, me by the ugly stick. If destiny calls for me to follow in Kurt's footsteps, then so be it. That means a Sprint Cup championship awaits, as well as a sexless marriage. I'm ready for both."
2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Once again, Earnhardt had a car capable of winning, leading 76 laps, but a blown right front tire on lap 297 sent him hard into the wall and out of the lead. Even with a severely damaged right side, Earnhardt was able to recover and finish fifth. He holds on to the third spot in the point standings, 139 behind Kyle Busch.
"I'm not sure if we blew a tire or ran over something," says Earnhardt. "My guess is I ran over some type of debris, possibly a jagged piece of a Budweiser bottle, or maybe the sharp-edged fragment of Teresa Earnhardt's vanity, or maybe it was a broken piece of the twisted logic behind one of Tony Eury, Jr.'s decisions. Luckily, we didn't lose that wheel, like Brian Vickers did. Let me tell you. If I lose a wheel and it lands on the roof of an infield camper, and that camper is a Dale, Jr. fan, they'd need a SWAT team to pry that tire from the cold hands of that damn, dirty Earnhardt fan. Two NASCAR officials on a golf cart just wouldn't cut it. I'm sure the owner of that camper paid NASCAR to take that Brian Vickers' tire away."
3. Jeff Burton — Burton started 14th in Charlotte and quickly made his presence felt, moving into the top 10 on lap eight and running amongst the leaders for the majority of the race. Burton ended the 600-mile marathon in sixth, his eighth top-10 of the year, and has yet to finish outside the top 15 this year.
"It was quite a weekend for motorsports," says Burton. "But I don't think Monaco or Indianapolis could match Charlotte for excitement. Sure, nothing beats driving the street circuit at Monaco in a high-performance Formula 1 machine, except driving the street circuit at Monaco in a high-performance Formula 1 machine, high on heroin. I've done neither, but I hear Aaron Fike did the latter, although it was on PlayStation. Anyway, it was great to see Brit Lewis Hamilton become the first black man to win at Monaco. I can only hope Randy Moss's truck team brings that kind of diversity to NASCAR. I hear Moss is a big fan of Hamilton, and is a big fan of all things English, for that matter, especially their Olde malt liquor."
"As for Indy, it was a pretty uneventful race. However, it was pretty exciting watching Danica Patrick storm after Ryan Briscoe while removing her helmet and gloves on the way. If that official would have let her by, she could possibly have been totally naked by the time she got there. That definitely would have gotten an apology from Briscoe, as well as a sizable tip. I couldn't help but think of Al Pacino hamming it up for the camera and shouting 'Danica! Danica!' Danica!'"
4. Carl Edwards — Edwards finished ninth in Charlotte, a respectable result, but disappointing considering his accomplishments on 1.5-mile tracks this year. Edwards was running third on the final lap when he ran out of gas and fell to ninth. He moves up one place in the point standings to sixth, and is 322 out of first.
"Hey, what do WWE superstar John Cena and Matt Kenseth have in common?" asks Edwards. "That's right. I've submitted them both to the 'Boston Crab.' And they both run at the very threat of me raising a fist, just in different directions. That's one of the many perks of being a Gillette Young Gun — horseplay with professional athletes under the guise of selling products. Next up for me — a commercial with former major league pitcher Dennis 'Oil Can' Boyd."
5. Tony Stewart — Stewart had victory ripped from his grasp as a blown tire two laps from the end put him in the wall as Kasey Kahne was handed the victory. Stewart was headed for the win with a comfortable 5½-second lead when his right front tire went down. Instead of his first win of the season, Stewart settled for a finish of 18th, and continued his disappointment in the search for his first Cup win this year.
"The tire from Brian Vickers' car wasn't the only one flying in Charlotte," says Stewart. "What you didn't see on camera was me tossing my blown tire at the Goodyear executives. Not sure if they got the hint, though. In the future, to make sure they do get the hint, all of my interviews about tires will be conducted in front a giant video screen, which will play a continual loop of the Hindenburg disaster, with background music by Led Zeppelin."
6. Denny Hamlin — Like his Joe Gibbs teammate Tony Stewart, Hamlin blew a tire on lap 398 and saw a likely top-five finish evaporate, with 600 miles of hard work negated by a tire that just couldn't handle the pressure. Hamlin holds on to fourth in the points, but now trails leader Kyle Busch by 264 points.
"We were there for 398 of 400 laps," says Hamlin. "Some say we lost the 'war of attrition.' That's wrong. I'm pretty sure the Confederates won that one. As far as Tony Stewart seceding from Joe Gibbs Racing, that's entirely his decision. He doesn't need my blessing, nor does he need approval from the United Nations, Congress, or the general public."
7. Jeff Gordon — Gordon was mired in the middle of the pack nearly all day in the Coca-Cola 600, but a bold gamble, topping off his fuel tank on the final caution while many cars ahead stayed out, gave Gordon a fourth-place finish.
"You'd be surprised how much fuel can be pumped into a car in just a matter of seconds," says Gordon. "Just as you may be surprised by how many commercials FOX can jam down viewers' throats during a caution period. They don't call a debris caution 'a word from our sponsors' for nothing. Who am I to judge, though? I'm a walking billboard myself. Does anyone need a Pepsi, or one of the thousands of products offered by DuPont, none of which I can name?"
"But let's not lose sight of the positives here. I've recorded three consecutive top-10 finishes. Don't ask me how, because we've been doing it with cars barely worthy of a top-20 finish. Maybe 'smoke and mirrors' has something to do with it. Hey, you know if you take 'smoke and mirrors,' throw in a razor blade, a rolled-up dollar bill, mysterious white powder, a crack pipe, a syringe, a spoon, and a cigarette lighter, NASCAR just might have enough to test you for drugs."
"Now, I understand there are those of you who have a problem with me asking NASCAR to take a look at the 'rear housing' on certain cars. Most people love it when I talk dirty. Well, apparently, Carl Edwards doesn't."
8. Kevin Harvick — Harvick muscled his ill-handling Richard Childress Chevrolet to a hard-earned 14th in the Coca-Cola 600. He advanced two positions in the Cup point standings to seventh, and also extended his streak of not having a "DNF" to 56 races, two short of his NASCAR record of 58.
"Hey, that's just one small step for Kevin Harvick," says Harvick, "and it would be one giant leap for someone like Michael Waltrip or Michael McDowell to go that long without a DNF. You know what they car 'DNFs' at Michael Walrip racing? Sunday."
"I'd also like to give a good luck wish to NASCAR promoter extraordinaire 'Humpy Wheeler.' You may ask how he got his nickname. That's an anecdote better left untold, much like the Dick Trickle story. Let's just say 'Humpy' is more than just a name; it's a lifestyle."
9. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson lost a cylinder while running second on lap with about 75 miles to go, and a few laps later, his engine eventually failed completely. Last year's two-time winner at Charlotte ended his day in 39th, and dropped three positions to ninth in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"You can't win a race missing a cylinder," says Johnson. "Although Chad Knaus assured me we could — if we start with nine. That's a project he's working on for later. At least that's what I think he said. Chad's read the NASCAR rule book so many times that he's started speaking with the same type of vague and ambiguous language one finds in that rule book."
10. (tie) Kasey Kahne/Greg Biffle — Kahne and Biffle dominated Charlotte's All-Star festivities two weeks ago, with Kahne winning the All-Star Race and Biffle winning the Burnout Competition. Then, on Sunday, Kahne and Biffle finished 1-2 in the Coca-Cola 600. Kahne finally cracked the top 12 in the point standings, while Biffle remained 11th, 377 out of first.
"The question is," says Kahne, "whether my dominance in Charlotte can serve as the catalyst to more top finishes. or whether it will simply serve as a catalyst to more uninteresting Allstate commercials in which giggly, middle-aged women swoon over my overly robotic character. Hey, just like in real life."
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