No Bang For Their Buck$

How a professional athlete can pocket such large amounts of cash for playing a boy's game is beyond comprehension. I understand some people on this earth may be worthy, such as scientists finding cutting-edge cures for fatal diseases, or computer programmers supplying the world's demand. Lucrative contracts are grossly increasing in this day and age of free agency with little accountability existing.

Although no athlete is worth such value, there are some "boys of summer" who take in outrageous fortunes and give back what they are worth: Chipper Jones, Lance Berkman, Dice-K, Carlos Zambrano, Aaron Rowand. All these fellows are taking in over $10 million a year, and are league leaders this season. They are, in essence, giving great bang for their bucks.

Then there are those who are generating ridiculous amounts of money and putting up atrocious stats not worthy of major league status. Some call this "highway robbery." The following players represent those who make their own team presidents and general managers appear horrible spenders and lousy eyes for talent. Actually, that's a huge understatement.

Although the baseball season is almost two months old, it's safe to say these players are not giving any bang for their bucks. Based on a minimum of 38 games played, here's a lineup of overpaid, underachieving baseballers for the first quarter of the 2008 campaign:

OF Andruw Jones — $14,726,910 for 2008 — This seasoned veteran is making the Dodgers look flat-out dumb. The perennial all-star in Atlanta has not adjusted well to the West Coast, and looks like he stole Tommy Lasorda's cook book right out of his kitchen, spending more time spring cooking than spring training. Jones' batting average is lower than his weight.

Stat line: .167, 2 HR, 7 RBIs

Quotable: "People think I'm relaxed and laid back. It's eating me up inside. I'm upset. I'm embarrassed."

OF Austin Kearns — $5,000,000 for 2008 — The Washington Nationals are trying desperately to find a superstar for their super-stadium, and the cash they've offered Kearns is simply not paying off.

Stat line: .187, 3 HR, 16 RBIs

Quotable: "I obviously expect a lot of myself, so I don't think you expect to go through something like this, but I think it's definitely something that's going to make you better in the long run."

OF Nick Swisher — $3,600,000 for 2008 — Like Jones, being traded from a comfortable situation to a bigger market never adds pressure to perform. Although Swisher got rid of his long hair for a valiant cause (wigs for cancer patients), it's clear he is suffering from the Sampson syndrome. His putrid season long slump only proves that it's in the hair.

Stat line: .213, 4 HR, 16 RBIs

Quotable: "I've had some bad luck for a while. I call it a case of the 'Adams,' where everything I hit is right 'at 'em.' But these guys have really picked me up, and I couldn't ask for more from teammates."

1B tie-Jason Giambi — $23,428,571 for 2008 — Perhaps the most overpaid of them all. This Yankee is tops when it comes to "no bang for your buck$." The former AL MVP has bipolar numbers at the plate. He ranks seventh in homers in the AL, yet is batting sub-.200. The least we can say is that he came clean about his steroid use, and his affinity for wearing a thong. Now that he's "clean," he hits like his brother, Jeremy, who is currently making $25 an hour for UPS.

Stat line: .191, 8 HR, 21 RBIs

Quotable: "No critic is worse on me than me; I can beat myself up pretty good."

1B tie-Ryan Howard — $10,000,000 for 2008 — To say that the Phillies slugger is struggling this year would be an understatement. The fact that Howard has been whiffing in front of the Philly home crowd, the most hostile of them all, doesn't make it any easier.

Stat line: .187, 10 HR, 25 RBIs

Quotable: “It definitely doesn't help when the fans kind of get on you, but at the same time, that's what happens when you sign a permission slip to play here in Philly."

2B Robinson Cano — $3,000,000 for 2008 — Easily the most forgivable of this overpaid lineup. The boys in the Yankees clubhouse merely chuckle at his measly $3 million a year. Fact is, Cano has been as bad as his flailing, overpaid teammates. The Yanks are struggling to get over .500 and nobody's pointing the finger at Cano. He just happens to be amongst the least productive two-baggers to be making too much dough.

Stat line: .204, 4 HR, 12 RBIs

3B Bill Hall — $4,925,000 for 2008 — The Brewers' third baseman had high expectations this year. Manager Ned Yost felt he would be an NL MVP candidate in spring training. Unfortunately, the second-year millionaire earned his way from the top to the bottom of the lineup, much like the Brewers in the standings. His home run and RBI totals are still respectable, but his batting average vs. right-handed pitching this year sits at .155.

Stat line: .199, 9 HR, 21 RBIs

SS Orlando Cabrera — $10,000,000 for 2008 — What was once the Red Sox's bargain has become the White Sox's burden. After Nomar Garciaparra's departure during the 2004 season, Cabrera quietly helped Boston to the World Series title. Now that he's changed Sox, Cabrera has the weight of a multi-million dollar contract and an outspoken coach who will try anything to get his team rolling, including body-sized blow-up dolls. His one error this year is on pace for "gold glove" status for 2008. However, his contract does not excuse his poor batting average (which is actually the best on this lineup).

Stat line: .225, 3 HR, 11 RBIs

C Josh Bard — $2,237,500 for 2008 — The Padres catcher is the epitome of the team's woes this year. In a year where catchers around the league are "en fuego," Bard's performance this year has been ice-cold. Of all the players listed on this article, Bard makes the least. In comparison to catchers around the majors, his batting average stinks.

Stat line: .202, 0 HR, 7 RBIs

P Barry Zito — $14,500,000 for 2008 — Zito, the AL Cy Young winner in 2002, has gone from bad to worse this season. The former 23-game winner for Oakland can't buy a win and is setting futility records for the Giants organization at a rapid pace. His demotion to the bullpen (although he was never called upon) marks a new low for Zito. Add to the fact that the Giants hit with toothpicks and it means the near future doesn't look any brighter. At least he has hard-luck cohort Matt Cain for console.

Stat line: 6.25 ERA, 0-8 record

Quotable: "From my standpoint, this is a bump in the road, and it's a big bump. It's a battle. It's stuff that I've gone through, but there hasn't been the scrutiny around it because of the market or the contract. But I've gone through this."

P Kenny Rogers — $8,000,000 for 2008 — Time to duck if you're a cameraman in the greater Detroit area. If you're an opposing batter, time to take your hacks at this overpaid veteran. After shining a couple seasons ago for the former AL champions, Rogers doesn't intimidate anyone. He's fortunate to have 3 wins under his belt, unlike Zito; yet his ERA shows he's not even close to the form that earned him praise as a top-flight pitcher in 2006.

Stat line: 6.65 ERA, 3-4 record

P Miguel Batista — $9,500,000 for 2008 — The Mariners threw some serious cash to create a pitching staff that would hopefully make Seattle an upper-tier team that would compete with the Angels in the AL West. Between Batista and Jarrod Washburn's hefty contracts, one would think the M's would compliment Ichiro and Richie Sexson's bat prowess. So far, all four have failed to thrive. Hence, the Mariners are nowhere near competing for the postseason ... again.

Stat line: 6.11 ERA, 3-5 record

Closer Jason Isringhausen — $8,000,000 for 2008 — It's well-know that the closer is a totally different animal. In fact, closers warrant the term "freak" since the role was created. Isringhausen defines the term well of late. The successful closer is known to often pump his fist or even become emotionally ecstatic beyond protocol. The chronically unsuccessful closer Isringhausen hit a new low. In fact, he hit a television ... his own manager's television. Ouch. But with the money he's making, he should be able to buy Tony LaRussa a 100-inch plasma with all the fixings. Of late, he's on the disabled list ... for mental reasons.

Stat line: 8.00 ERA, 1-5 record, 11 saves, 6 blown saves

Quotable: "I'm out of answers, out of excuses so to speak. We've just got to go to the next step, whatever that might be."

DH Gary Sheffield — $13,326,306 for 2008 — To be an overpaid designated hitter is as low as you can go. All you're paid to do is half the game: hit the ball and hit it well. Not so for this outspoken journeyman. Tigers manager Jim Leyland should have Sheffield catch in the bullpen or shine shoes to earn his pay. The oft-injured slugger has been more than sluggish.

Stat line: .180, 2 HR, 8 RBIs

Quotable: "The owners have the right to pay you whatever they want to. They don't have to pay you if they don't want to."

Dishonorable Mentions

DH Jim Thome — $15,666,666 — .203, 7 HR, 23 RBIs
1B Richie Sexson — $15,500,000 — .200, 7 HR, 18 RBIs

There you have it. The low-ball no-stars, the no bang for their buck$, the crumb de la creme, the Hall of Shame Class of 2008. The faces only their mothers could love. The last picks at recess.

The reality of these high-priced athletes is that half of this "no bang" lineup will be elected all-stars by the fans. Go figure.