Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch — Busch survived late charges from Juan Montoya, Jeff Gordon, and Denny Hamlin to win at Talladega, crossing the finish under caution as all hell broke loose behind him. After falling a lap down when he missed his pit stall on lap 64, Busch took the lead on lap 184 with help from Gordon, then powered to the finish with an extended push from the No. 42 Juicy Fruit Dodge of Montoya. Busch then victoriously took a bow atop his M&M's Joe Gibbs Toyota.
"That was an awesome race," says Busch. "I'm looking California, and feeling Alabama. I guess I out-shined the rest of the field. It was great for the fans to give me a standing ovation, although my glee was short-lived once I found out they were just standing to leave. The Kyle Busch fan base is just that — base, as in 'low or menial.' My fan club is just that — a club of one fan."
"That's okay, though. I'm used to winning in places where fans don't care. Look, I won the Corona Mexico 200 in Mexico City, and all I got was a congratulatory call from one single person, an hombre calling himself 'Senor Panties' who sounded an awful lot like Tony Stewart with an accent."
"Anyway, I'd like to thank my favorite Colombian NASCAR driver named 'Juan,' Juan Pablo Montoya, for his escort to the finish. The Juicy Fruit car following the M&M's car truly made for a sweet draft, and the 'Candy Connection' took me to the win. The last time I had a Colombian that hot on my tail, somebody mistook me for Aaron Fike."
2. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin was at or near the front nearly all day, leading nine times for 37 laps. Trailing Kyle Busch and Juan Montoya, Hamlin was running third on the final lap, poised to make a move for the lead when a huge 11-car accident brought out the caution, spoiling any attempt for the win. Hamlin's third moved him up two places to fourth in the points, where he trails Jeff Burton by 99 points.
"I felt I had the power to run up front as well as push others to the front," says Hamlin. "When I put my front end flush against another's back end, there was magic created. And I'm not ashamed to say it. I'm referring to the cars, mind you."
3. Jeff Burton — Burton was collected in the last-lap accident at Talladega, but survived to limp home with just a flat front tire. He finished 12th and maintains his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"Congratulations to Joe Nemechek for qualifying that 'National Day of Prayer' car on the pole for Sunday's race. In these trying times of religious strife throughout the world, what this country sorely needs is a race car to remind them to say a prayer. And at least five other cars to cue them on their beer and liquor selections. Personally, I felt it was a perfect time for a prayer with 10 laps to go and the field running five-wide down the backstretch."
4. Carl Edwards — Edwards blew a tire and slammed the wall on lap 116, suffering the same fate that victimized Roush Fenway teammate Matt Kenseth on lap 19. In Saturday's Nationwide Aaron's 312, Edwards went airborne in a multi-car crash on lap 70, totaling his car. He finished 31st in that race and 40th on Sunday, and fell one spot to tenth in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"Hey, I love Lynyrd Skynyrd just as much as the next guy," says Edwards, "but my experiences here definitely didn't have me singing 'Sweet Home Alabama.' However, I think Kevin Lepage must have had 'Gimme Three Steps' on his mind when he merged into a pack of cars doing 190 miles per hour in the Nationwide race. That's about all the room he gave me. He must have demolished about $2 million worth of equipment, but this hand gesture I'm giving him doesn't cost a penny. It's called a 'Free Bird.'"
5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Starting ninth, Earnhardt was a factor throughout Sunday's Aaron's 499, pacing the field for 46 of the race's 188 laps. Fifteen laps from the end, Tony Stewart cut a right-front tire, triggering a six-car accident that damaged the No. 88 Amp Chevy. Earnhardt recovered, and claimed several places on the final lap while avoiding another pile-up. He finished 10th and has now gone 71 races since his last win, which was in Richmond two years ago.
"Do not despair, Earnhardt Nation," says Earnhardt. "I've got a win coming soon. Until then, you can drown your sorrows in my new Charlotte bar, Whisky River. There, you can enjoy a NASCAR-themed atmosphere while sipping some of our house specialty drinks, like 'The Wicked Stepmother,' ice cold water on the rocks. Or enjoy a Bloody Mary mixed with Amp energy drink, a concoction we call the 'V'Amp.' And, to honor the team for which I formerly drove, we offer a giant 96-ounce vat of Budweiser, known on the drink menu as the 'DEI-Fo-Fum.' Careful, don't drink to much and get out of hand, lest you face the wrath of my team of bouncers, who dress like a pit crew and have full authority to jack you up."
"We'll also have two mechanical bulls. One is for riding, and the other is a Teresa Earnhardt robot speaking her mind. Hence, 'mechanical bull.'"
6. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson was running second behind Michael Waltrip when Johnson slipped outside for the lead. Unfortunately for Johnson, Kyle Busch went underneath Johnson, leaving Johnson out of the draft. The No. 48 Lowe's Chevrolet fell back in the pack, and later was collected in the final-lap crash. Johnson still finished 13th, and fell one place to fifth in the points.
"Waltrip's had success at Talladega," says Johnson. "I figured he could carry me to victory, or, at the very least, lease me a coffee table that I could finance for six years. With Michael Waltrip as their spokesman, Aaron's has a 'fool injected' advertising campaign."
7. Tony Stewart — As talk of Stewart's future with Joe Gibbs Racing swirled throughout the weekend, Stewart's driving did the talking on Saturday and Sunday. He dominated the Aaron's 312 on Saturday, leading 81 of 117 laps in the victory. He was nearly as dominate in the Aaron's 499, leading 61 laps before cutting a tire on lap 144 and slamming the wall, continuing his string of bad luck at Talladega in Cup races. He eventually finished 38th, 15 laps down, and dropped two slots in the points to ninth.
"It was great to win on Saturday," says Stewart, "but until I win a Cup race at Talladega and experience the requisite glory, there will always be a void in me. I guess you could call it a 'glory hole.' Usually, that's a good thing, but not in this case."
"As for my employment situation, I'm exploring my options, which is exactly what I do anytime I enter my walk-in refrigerator at home. It's not that I'm unhappy at Joe Gibbs Racing, but it's tough on a large ego when you go from the No. 1 driver to No. 3 in just a matter of months."
8. Clint Bowyer — Unlike Richard Childress teammates Jeff Burton and Kevin Harvick, Bowyer avoided the "Big One" at Talladega, a last lap pile-up that involved eleven cars, and finished ninth for his sixth top-10 of the year. However, Bowyer couldn't avoid the 'Little One' at Charlotte, wrecking a Petty Driving School car as he returned to the pits after a burnout demonstration at Lowe's Motor Speedway.
"Okay, so I blew the dismount," says Bowyer. "Sure, it's embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as the risque photos of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair. Even more embarrassing? Me wanting to see them."
"Of course, that's nowhere near as embarrassing as Roger Clemens allegedly having an affair with country singer Mindy McCready when she was 15 and he was 28, married, and with two kids. Not a wise decision, but can you fault a man for wanting to learn a changeup? I guess Roger's been telling the truth all along. Hormones aren't responsible for his human growth; a 15-year-old is."
9. Kevin Harvick — Harvick was an unwilling participant in the last lap melee that left much of the field in various stages of disrepair. The No. 29 Shell/Pennzoil Chevy suffered damage, but Harvick was able to drive it to the finish line, recording a 24th-place result, which dumped him one spot in the points to sixth.
"At Talladega, it's all about being reactive," says Harvick. "If you have the reaction time of an eight-gigabyte hard drive, then you're in good shape. If not, then you're at the mercy of the car spinning uncontrollably in front of you."
"As for drug policy, we at Kevin Harvick, Incorporated believe in being pro-active. We've instituted a new random testing policy, and the whole company will eventually be tested, not just drivers on heroin. It's a take-no-prisoners approach to drug testing, with all precautions taken to ensure that no one cheats the system. We'll even have a bathroom attendant with a catch-can to make sure that all urine samples are complete. However, we won't turn our backs on employees who fail. They will have options. We'll get them drug counseling, rehabilitation, or an interview with Randy Moss' new Craftsman truck venture, CCR, 'Cornrows & Collards Racing.'"
10. Juan Pablo Montoya — Colombia native Montoya tied his career best Cup finish with a JPM-pressive second in the Aaron's 499, a result that sent scores of his riotous countrymen into the streets of Bogota. Well, maybe that was just political unrest, or the release of Grand Theft Auto IV. In any case, Montoya's runner-up finish boosted him five places to 12th in the points.
"I thought we had a chance to win," says Montoya, looking quite dapper in his Juicy Fruit smoking jacket, sitting comfortably in his Juicy Fruit recliner, in the luxurious Juicy Fruit hauler. "But there's no shame in the Juicy Fruit car coming in behind the M&M's car of Kyle Busch. Vending machines throughout the country are rejoicing. Had Kyle been a teammate and not just a fellow candy boy, I might have just taken him out for the win."
"Call it an amazing coincidence or a huge corporate conspiracy, but isn't it strange that the M&M's car and the Juicy Fruit car finish one-two just days before Mars, Inc. announces it is buying Wrigley? I may say I'm no corporate puppet; apparently, I am."
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