Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Carl Edwards — Edwards likely had the fastest car in Phoenix, but a costly pit stop on lap 113 left him down a lap. Just as Edwards had exited the pits on that lap, the smoking car of Joe Nemechek brought out the caution, trapping Edwards one lap down. Compounding the issue, one of Edwards crew members hopped the wall too soon, forcing Edwards to the back of the longest line. Despite those mishaps, Edwards managed to pass his way to an eventual finish of fourth, his fourth top-five finish of the year, and only top-five that wasn't a win.
"Talk about a double whammy," says Edwards. "Caught in the pits just before a caution and a penalty. That's like having a loose oil cover and getting caught for it. NASCAR officials are obviously watching me with a keen eye. Penalizing me for having a crew member over the wall too soon is like calling for a debris caution — it's just a way to bring the hot driver back to the field. But let me ask you this? What's more obvious to the naked eye? A loose oil lid on my car, or a Craftsman truck driver under the influence of heroin? Let's face it. Aaron Fike was only tested because he jokingly listed his emergency contact on an entry form as 'Angel Dusted.'"
"In any case, Fike's admission of drug abuse clears the air about a few issues. At Roush Fenway Racing, there was another security breech in addition to the missing sway bar. We were almost positive it was Michael Waltrip who took the missing equipment, but Fike's story is practically a clear admission that he's responsible for swiping Roush Fenway's entire collection of spoons."
2. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson took a calculated gamble, eschewing a splash of gas pit stop that nearly all of the leaders felt compelled to make, to snatch a somewhat unlikely victory in Phoenix. Johnson went the final 80 laps without stopping, his fuel mileage worries eased by the confident voice of crew chief Chad Knaus, who was insistent that his driver could make the distance.
"Hey, Chad's my crew chief," says Johnson. "I always believe what he tells me, no matter how far-fetched it may sound. Whether it's 'Sure, you've got plenty of gas,' or 'There's no way we'll get caught,' I trust his word. Chad's a smart guy; you never know what he's got up his sleeve, although, more than likely, it's probably 1/4" too long, 1/4" too wide, or 4/4 illegal. I do know what's not up his sleeve — a swollen vein. Hey, what do Aaron Fike and a victory burnout have in common? They both leave 'track marks.'"
3. Jeff Burton — Burton risked the fuel gamble made by Jimmie Johnson and Clint Bowyer, and it paid off with a sixth in Phoenix, a result that increased his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings to 80. After a terrible qualifying run placed him 39th on the starting grid, Burton methodically worked his way to the front.
"I'm basically a quiet and unassuming fellow," says Burton. "I'm not one to talk junk, but under the circumstances, I feel it's my duty, as the most level-headed and respected driver on the circuit, to talk a little 'smack.' Drugs, that is. We, as drivers, must be subject to the same level of scrutiny that our cars are. If Ryan Newman's car can be penalized for being 'too high,' then drivers should be tested for drugs as well. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that recreational drug usage in the NASCAR garage is equivalent to the activity backstage at a Fleetwood Mac 1975 concert. Far from it. It may take five cokeheads to make a great album such as Rumors; it only takes one to wreck a race car. We should be tested to preserve the integrity of the sport. We've got to keep this sport clean. We already have a television network known as 'Speed TV'; we don't need a reality television show called 'Speed TV' about a drug-addled racer. "
4. Kyle Busch — Busch battled handling and brake issues in the Subway Fresh Fit 500 last Saturday, but scrapped his way to a 10th-place finish as the last car on the lead lap. Busch moves up one spot in the point standings to second, trailing Jeff Burton by 80 points.
"It's not the result we were looking for," says Busch. "Now where have I heard that before? Oh yeah. From my parents. Twice. Anyway, it will be nice to take a trip down to Mexico on my week off from the Sprint Cup series to go for my third Nationwide win of the year. Road courses aren't my strong suit, so the Corona Mexico 200 will serve as great practice. Plus, the Autodromo Hermanos Rodriguez is a very historic circuit, and it's the only paved road in Mexico. And I think it's cool that Senor Rodriguez' first name is 'Autodromo.' Is he a hunchback? What's that? It means 'Rodriguez Brothers' Racetrack' in English. Who are these Rodriguez Brothers? Are they like Mexico's version of the Pep Boys?"
"Anyway, it will also be nice to get a little sun down in Mexico City. Frankly, I'm sick of all the 'Pale Rider' jokes."
5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt, predictably enough, finished in the top 10 for the sixth time in eight races, crossing the line seventh in the Subway Fresh Fit 500. Earnhardt and the No. 88 Chevrolet spent much of the latter stages of the race battling with Mark Martin's No. 8, Earnhardt's former car at Dale Earnhardt Incorporated.
"It was pretty fun racing the No. 8," says Earnhardt. "From one legend who's never won a Cup title to another, Mark is a great guy. He may be 49, but he's still cool. Contrary to popular belief, when someone uses the word 'hip' in reference to Mark, that word is not followed by the word 'replacement.' He's hip to the slang of the younger generation. If I were to ask him if he could 'score some blow,' he'd know exactly what I was talking about. Not that Mark does drugs; he doesn't. But he's in tune with the issues at the forefront of the sport. In fact, Mark and the other driver of the No. 8, Aric Almirola, are planning a special gala celebration, formal attire only, to raise money and awareness for drivers, all one of them, fighting the addiction. They're calling it the '8-Ball.'"
"As for the man who was arrested for stealing a cardboard cutout of Dale, Sr., I don't think it's that big of a deal. It could have been much worse, like the guy who thought he was stealing a cardboard cutout of Matt Kenseth. Turns out, it was the real Matt Kenseth. Matt just didn't have the nerve to speak up."
6. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished third in Phoenix, his third consecutive top-five, to stake his claim, among Carl Edwards and Jimmie Johnson, as NASCAR's hottest driver. Hamlin moves up one spot to sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"You may have noticed our special paint scheme on the No. 11 Federal Express Toyota last week in honor of the March of Dimes," says Hamlin. "That raised a lot of attention to the cause. So, at Talladega, we'll be displaying the special Federal Express 'Midnight Express' paint scheme in order to support our advocacy for drug testing. It's not the 'Midnight Express' wrestling tag team lead by decorative tennis racket-toting, mile-a-minute talking manager Jim Cornette. That would clearly indicate an advocacy for drug usage. It's the 'Midnight Express' movie. We hope that by calling attention to this bleak and scary 1978 movie, drivers will realize the hard message delivered by the film: if you're doing drugs, don't get caught trying to smuggle them out of Turkey."
7. Tony Stewart — Stewart was caught in the pits when a caution flew on lap 116, dropping to 15th after entering for service in fourth. Stewart lost a lap and could never regain it, and finished the race with a respectable 14th, which dropped him two spots in the points to seventh.
"Sure, it's disappointing," says Stewart. "I really wanted to win the Subway Fresh Fit 500, especially with Subway as my primary sponsor for this race as well as the sponsor for the race itself. I haven't been 'fresh' and 'fit' since I was a 145-pound eighth grader wearing the red Michael Jackson 'Thriller' jacket."
"It was also cool to see Sammy Hagar wave the checkered flag at the end of the race. There was some confusion with that situation, though. First, David Lee Roth was scheduled to do it, then Hagar was scheduled, then back to Roth, then back to Hagar. That's what NASCAR gets for putting Eddie Van Halen in charge of the checkered flag."
8. Kevin Harvick — Harvick had a sure top-five run spoiled when he ran out of gas on lap 305, just 12 circuits from the finish. Harvick coasted into the pits and came home a disappointing 19th, one lap down. He falls three positions to fifth in the points, 103 behind Jeff Burton.
"It's ironic that I ran out of gas while not sporting the usual Shell paint scheme," says Harvick. "I had more than enough Reese's Peanut Butter Cups to get me through the race, though."
"But I am disappointed at our finish when we had such a strong run in our grasp. And I am disappointed with NASCAR and Mike Helton for not implementing a tougher drug screening policy. Currently, drug testing is done only for 'reasonable suspicion' that a driver is using an illegal drug. Well, I'm 'reasonably suspicious' that the policy works, especially since, apparently, no one was 'reasonably suspicious' that Aaron Fike was racing while on heroin. That's unacceptable. Until I see some answers from Helton, I'll continue to verbalize my concerns, advocate my position, and deface the walls of Helton's office with the words 'Helton Skelter.'"
9. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer scored his best result of the year with a runner-up finish in Phoenix, shrewdly conserving enough fuel to allow him to complete the race's final 79 laps without a stop. Bowyer moves up three places in the points to eighth.
"I've got to hand it to Jimmie," says Bowyer. "He's a lucky man. Not luckly that his fuel gamble paid off, but lucky that I was driving the DirecTV paint scheme and not the Jack Daniels.' I don't think anyone, much less Jimmie, could have handled the dreaded Jack Daniels' 'chaser.'"
10. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex finished eighth in Phoenix to join Dale Earnhardt, Inc. teammate Mark Martin (fifth) in the top 10 last Saturday. Truex moves up two places to 14th in the points, and is only 18 points shy of 12th.
"It's been a while since I've been in the top 12," says Truex. "But I'm currently riding a streak of 108 weeks at No. 1 in the 'best soul patch' rankings. I'd like to see a Busch brother top that. Anyway, I understand the Yankees/Red Sox game interrupted the start of the race. I'm sure most fans were irritated, but how often does a major leaguer closer strike out Alex Rodriguez and toss out the first pitch for a NASCAR race, simultaneously. If NASCAR fans have a problem with all that, they should bury a Jonathan Papelbon jersey somewhere."
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