NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 7

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch — Busch finished third at Texas Motor Speedway, his best-ever result at the 1.5-mile quad-oval, but was unable to remotely challenge the Ford of Carl Edwards, which was so fast that not even a loose oil lid could explain its speed. Edwards' dominance denied Busch his second Sprint Cup win of the year, and denied fans the spectacle of Busch in a 10-gallon hat.

"No one looks sillier than me in a cowboy hat," says Busch. "Except maybe Dick Berggren. I think even Jon Bon Jovi is more cowboy than myself, and I'm talking about his hair metal days. Give me a neckerchief and a noble steed, and I'd be ready to take the muddy trail up Brokeback Mountain."

"Edwards was so far ahead of the field, he'll be hard to catch. But I figure between 42 cars and twice as many NASCAR officials, he'll get caught. Again."

2. Carl Edwards — Edwards whipped the competition in Texas, leading 123 of 334 laps on his way to his third win of the year. For the victory, Edwards received $541,150, as well as a cowboy hat, a boot-shaped trophy, and a pair of six-shooters, which he wielded against any NASCAR inspectors who dared try to check his oil reservoir lid. The win vaulted Edwards four places to 10th in the point standings.

"Hey, these guns aren't even real," says Edwards. "They don't even shoot real bullets. When you pull the trigger, all that comes out is a flag that says 'Bang!' That won't intimidate NASCAR inspectors, but it will send Matt Kenseth running for cover. And it's great to have Aflac on board as a major sponsor. That gave me the opportunity to employ the 'Duck And Run' strategy against anyone who dared challenge me."

"But I fully expected the officials to thoroughly check that oil lid. And they did. It was on pretty tight. That's too bad for them, because had they loosened it just a bit, they would have found several crisp $100 dollar bills. One of the side effects of checking a loose oil lid is a 'greasy palm.'"

3. Jeff Burton — Burton maintained the Sprint Cup points lead with a sixth in the Samsung 500, a track on which he's traditionally flourished. Burton has two Cup wins at Texas, more than any other driver, even Stroker Ace, but Carl Edwards' power, coupled with Burton's own handling issues with the No. 31 Prilosec Chevrolet, hindered his chances for win number three.

"We started 33rd," says Burton. "The fact that we finished sixth speaks volumes about the effort of the No. 31 Prilosec OTC Team. It's important for a pit crew to be error-free, just as it's important to fans of NASCAR to be heartburn-free. With Prilosec, they can be. In NASCAR's glory days, you dealt with a case of heartburn the old-fashioned way, with another beer, another kielbasa, and another wad of Levi Garrett or Beech Nut. One pill was useless back then, unless you were dropping acid with Tim Richmond. And while we're on the subject of pill pushers, my fellow Prilosec spokesman, Brett Favre, is, like me, a testament to longevity. However, that pansy could only make a measly 253 consecutive starts, while I've got 419 under my belt. Plus, I've never even come close to giving Michael Strahan a freebie sack."

4. Tony Stewart — Stewart finished a quiet seventh at Texas, unable to mount any kind of a charge towards the front. Still, his fifth top-10 finish of the year placed him fifth in the Sprint Cup points, where he is 108 behind leader Jeff Burton. Uncharacteristically, Stewart remained quiet, while several of his counterparts were critical of handling and the cars' inability to race safely side-by-side.

"I thought the tires were just fine here in Texas," says Stewart. "Despite my criticism of Goodyear tires, I do have a good working relationship with most inflatables. In fact, I'm on a first-name basis with some. Unlike me, they never keep their mouths shut."

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt won the pole for the Samsung 500, Hendrick Motorsports' sixth of the year, narrowly edging Carl Edwards, and led 31 early laps at Texas before ongoing handling issues forced several adjustments. He eventually finished 12th, one lap down, and remained fourth in the point standings.

"We tried everything," says Earnhardt, "and nothing worked. It got so bad, we even started trying some of Tony Eury's suggestions. Tony, I know you like baseball, but it's kind of difficult to turn a racing helmet inside out to make a rally cap. And his suggestion for a three-tire pit stop made no sense, although my counter of a one-tire stop wasn't much better."

"As for Hendrick Motorsports, we need to start winning races and not just poles before they start calling us 'Ryan Newman circa 2005.'

6. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson produced a performance worthy, and expected of, a two-time defending Sprint Cup champion, finishing second for his best result of the year. Despite the result, Johnson bemoaned the cars' drivability, especially in traffic, and questioned the aerodynamic performance of NASCAR's 2008 model.

"Can I get some cruise control in this thing?" says Johnson. "Or maybe a navigation system? Look, don't hate me because I advocate a car that even Michael Waltrip can drive. Does Waltrip make a commercial that doesn't make fun of his driving? NAPA's motto is 'Get the good stuff.' Obviously, they didn't apply that to choosing a driver."

"You know, this is new territory for us — going so many races without a win. Also new territory — passing seven straight inspections. Eventually, we'll get things figured out, particulary issues involving the aero package. Chad Knaus has been working feverishly in the wind tunnel and has some awesome data on the aerodynamic characteristics of the various stages of male pattern baldness."

7. Kevin Harvick — From the start of Sunday's race, Harvick complained of handling problems, and a hole in the No. 29 Chevy's front grill only exacerbated diagnosis of the problem. But persistent work in the pits, along with an unbending will, the heart of a champion, the eye of the tiger, and the cream of the fight allowed him to salvage of decent result of eleventh. Harvick maintains second in the point standings, trailing Jeff Burton by 59 points.

"If I hear another person say anything about 'perseverance' and/or a 'never-give-up attitude,'" says Harvick, "I'm going to snap. And when Kevin Harvick snaps, it's not a pretty sight. It usually involves some cussing, some crushed quarter-panels, and a choreographed dance number with Juan Pablo Montoya. And, speaking of 'ass-wipes,' I've heard of some off-the-wall product promotions, but the 'Cottonelle Lap 100 Stretch' beats all. I heard that all fans with the number two in their seat numbers were able to reach between their legs and under their seats to find a fresh roll of Cottonelle."

8. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin followed his win in Martisville with a well-earned fifth at Texas, joining Joe Gibbs teammates Kyle Busch (3rd) and Tony Stewart (7th) in the top 10. After the race, Hamlin, drained from 500 miles in the Texas heat, nearly fainted while answering questions from reporters.

"Hey, they were tough questions," says Hamlins. "I'm just glad someone caught me before I hit the FedEx Ground. Luckily, those reporters gave me some room so I could get some FedEx Air. Cha-ching! Sponsor obligations fulfilled."

"I guess I really just had a case of the vapors. It was very debilitating, but not nearly as debilitating as suffering through Tony Stewart's hellish version of the vapors, unleashed back in 2005 when he dropped a cylinder in the executive restroom at Joe Gibbs Racing headquarters."

9. Greg Biffle — Biffle languished through a tough day at Texas Motor Speedway, finishing 39th after numerous problems afflicted the performance of the Roush Fenway No. 16 Ford. After a good qualifying effort of 16th and fast practice times, Biffle quickly worked his way up to fourth by lap 79. From there, things went sour. Handling issues arose, and a failing engine forced Biffle to the garage for repairs. He finished 39th, and tumbled six places in the point standings to ninth.

"That smarts," says Biffle. "Anyway, it was a fairly uneventful race. Carl was clearly the class of the field. Anytime someone tried to get close enough to see if his oil lid was on, he just took off. I heard Carl nearly did a forward flip when he heard the words 'failed inspection.' Luckily, it was just Ryan Newman. There were relatively few penalties, and not a single infraction for having too many crew members over the wall. If this race were held any closer to the Mexican border, I'm fairly sure there would have been more 'over the wall' penalties."

"With three wins under his belt and a dominant car, Carl has clearly set the 'sway' bar high, but that Michael Waltrip is a pretty tall fellow, and I bet he can still reach it. Michael's great at feigning ignorance, too, although I'm not so sure it's an act."

10. Jeff Gordon — Gordon finished dead last for only the second time in his career, suffering from a horribly bad setup that the team could never correct. After losing control and hitting the wall on lap 108, Gordon headed for the garage, and his words over the radio gave a clear indication of his frustration with the No. 24 DuPont Chevy.

"You mean when I shouted 'Mayday! Mayday!?'" says Gordon. "The handling on my car was so bad, I'm advocating installing safer barriers inside my car. On the bright side, we were able to make the day an informal test session, and I came up with a great idea for a new sponsor: 'Pepto Abysmal': for use when you're car is so bad it leaves your stomach in knots."