NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 5

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch — Busch was leading on lap 291 when his power steering pump failed, forcing numerous pit stops to assess and repair damage. He muscled his Joe Gibbs M&M Toyota the rest of the way around Bristol's Thunder Valley without the benefit of power steering, and finished 17th, two laps down.

"So much for that 'Chocolate Thunder' headline that would have been splashed across the sports pages had I won," says Busch. "Which is just fine, because who needs their fond images of the true 'Chocolate Thunder,' NBA great Darryl Dawkins, shattering a backboard, spoiled by an image of a pasty white guy? Anyway, speaking of M&Ms, particularly the green ones, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer had quite a taste for them, as well as high-priced prostitutes. I guess he really puts the 'guber' in gubernatorial."

2. Kevin Harvick — When Harvick spun Tony Stewart on lap 498, the potential for an explosive confrontation was high, so much so that it left Matt Kenseth running for cover. But the fireworks never ignited, as Harvick accepted responsibility for his actions and Stewart was dejectedly resigned to the reality of another lost opportunity for victory at Bristol.

"It was a sad day for NASCAR," says Harvick, "when two of the most temperamental figures in racing, myself and Tony Stewart, have an incident on the track, at Bristol, of all places, and not a single punch is thrown, much less a word of conflict. But really, who had time for punches with all that apologizing going around? Put Tony and I in the place of Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison at Daytona 1979, and I guess we would have frolicked hand-in-hand on the beach in our white sun dresses. I reckon it's just a sign of a kinder, gentler times. What do you expect? If Snoop Dogg can sing about a 'Sensual Seduction' instead of rapping about gats, chronic, and hos, then Tony and I can settle our differences with words instead of fists."

Maybe NASCAR should have called Stewart and Harvick into the hauler for a little history lesson. There probably would have been a better chance of Stewart throwing a punch there.

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt collected his third-straight top-five finish, crossing the line fifth in Bristol to move up to fifth in the Sprint Cup points. He is the only member of Hendrick Motorsports in the points top 10, and has made a flawless transition to his new team and new sponsors.

"I'm comfortable in the seat of the No. 88 National Guard Chevy," says Earnhardt. "I'm comfortable in a steel folding chair ringside at a third-rate wrestling event at the National Guard Armory. And, I'm comfortable in Wranglers. But I have to draw the line at Wranglers' suggestion to outfit me in a denim fire suit. And, if you asked one of every ten of my fans, which I call taking a 'Junior Sample,' they'd agree with me. Although, I must say, if you bedazzled that denim fire suit with some glittery fake rhinestones, I might be more inclined to wear it."

4. Tony Stewart — Stewart led 267 laps in the Food City 500, but, once again, wasn't able to parlay that into a win in Bristol. On lap 498, while running second, Stewart's No. 20 Toyota was clipped by the car of Kevin Harvick, who slid up into Stewart as Harvick went for the pass low. Harvick immediately took blame, but, surprisingly, Stewart offered no hint of retribution, although he berated former Indy Car racer Scott Goodyear and threatened to take a BB gun to the Goodyear blimp.

"I know everyone expected me to retaliate," says Stewart. "Frankly, I'm surprised at myself. Despite the fact that me and Kevin didn't tangle afterwards, I'd still say we had more contact than Kevin and Juan Montoya did last year in their slow dance at Watkins Glen. Really, I don't know why people are so surprised by a happy ending. The last time 'Happy' and 'Grumpy' got together, everyone lived happily ever after."

5. Jeff Burton — Burton capitalized on the misfortune of others at Bristol, zooming by Denny Hamlin on the final restart to lead a 1-2-3 Richard Childress Racing sweep. A few laps earlier, Burton took advantage of a Kevin Harvick-Tony Stewart skirmish to move up in position for the dramatic win.

"Of all the tracks where laying back and letting things play out in front of you in wise strategy," says Burton, "Bristol is the place. It's tough to win from the front. Dare I say it, but it's much more more satisfying taking it from behind."

"It was very touching, however, to win in Dale Jarrett's final race. For a legend like Dale, saying goodbye once is not enough. That's why it was pleasing to wave bye-bye on each of the 10 instances in which I lapped him. Hey Dale, I'll tell you what brown can do for you. How about providing you with a chauffeur?"

6. Greg Biffle — Biffle solidified his position as one of the most consistent and steady drivers in NASCAR, scoring a fourth in the Food City 500 for his third top-five of the year. While yet to reach Victory Circle, Biffle trails Kyle Busch in the points by only 30 points.

"Get a load of me," says Biffle, pilot of the Jackson Hewitt-sponsored Roush Fenway Ford. "Or better yet, get a whiff of the 'Biff.' Like my teammate, Matt Kenseth, I do things quietly, without fanfare or bombast. That may be the reason I have such a limited fan base. I've literally walked into places and not been recognized. That's pretty humiliating, especially when it's was my own house. I've claimed more deductions on my taxes than I have fans."

7. Carl Edwards — Edwards was running seventh as the green flag dropped on the Food City 500's final restart, but a fuel delivery system problem vanquished his hopes for a top-10 finish, leaving him disappointed and suffering from a pesky oily residue. With his Roush Fenway Ford left powerless, Edwards received a push across the line and finished 16th, but still gained one position in the points to 16th.

"We've diagnosed the problem," says Edwards, "and it will be addressed in the engine fabrication shop, which sits adjacent to the 'fabrication shop,' which is where we come up with insincere explanations for our illegal actions. Jack Roush has an office there, accessible only through a trap door in the floor that, due to OSHA regulations, has to be closed at all times, which really hinders the aerodynamicity of the operation."

8. (tie) Jeff Gordon/Jimmie Johnson — Five races into the season, and one thing is very clear: there are 31 races left. And, Gordon and Johnson, with six cup titles between them, have been underperforming. Johnson and Gordon are 13th and 14th in the points, respectively.

"It's no time to panic," says Johnson. "We've got the situation under control. There is no inner turmoil at Hendrick Motorsports. We're 're-allocating resources,' 'shifting personnel,' 'redirecting our synergies,' and several other clever terms that are used when you really have no idea what's going on. I'm the two-time defending Cup champion, but we're not resting on our laurels. Chad Knaus has been accused of cheating on the job, but never sleeping."

"Jimmie's right," says Gordon. "We've just got a little catching up to do. So, we're bringing in an expert on 'catching up:' Kyle Petty. Kyle's so slow, he gets the 'Lucky Dog' free pass on the second pace lap. Kyle's like a cat's bowl of milk — always getting lapped."

9. Clint Bowyer — After taking the rain-shortened Nationwide Series Sharpie Mini 300 on Saturday, Bowyer capped off a near-perfect weekend for Richard Childress Racing with a third-place finish on Sunday. Bowyer followed teammates Jeff Burton and Kevin Harvick across the finish line for an RCR sweep on Sunday. Bowyer, pilot of the No. 07 Jack Daniels Chevy, is now ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings after shooting up seven places.

"Lots of people say my driving style is like a shot of Jack Daniels," says Bowyer. "Smooth with a clean finish. That's no surprise, since, like that fine whiskey, I spent my first seven years inside an oaken barrel. Chalk it up to tough love from my parents, who loved their whiskey maybe just a bit more than they loved me. But I do owe them for raising me the right way, and for giving me a real appreciation of the work of George Thorogood."

10. Matt Kenseth — Quietly, Kenseth has amassed three top-10s this year after a 10th at Bristol, and has climbed to 11th in the points, 178 behind leader Kyle Busch. Which begs the question, if Kenseth spoke in a forest, would you hear it?

"Now why would I be in a forest, alone, when there are fierce creatures such as squirrels and chipmunks lurking?" says Kenseth. "A better question to ask would be: 'Did Darrel Waltrip belt out all 12 tracks on Guns N' Roses Appetite For Destruction and smoke a carton of unfiltered Lucky Strikes before hitting the airwaves on Fox last Sunday?' No? Then that's just a cruel twist of fate. Darrell Waltrip loses his voice when nearly everyone is praying for Michael Waltrip to lose his."