By and large, little is known about October baseball in mid-March. With the MLB season's annual spring training sessions barely under way for each of the 30 pro clubs, lineups and pitching rotations are far from set and few if any of the 800 or so players to be found on opening day rosters are anywhere near their best in terms of level of play. This makes gleaning any sort of potential trend or harbinger portending success or failure a near impossibility.
I'm sure if you are reading this article that you've already perused the full compliment of my colleague's postings detailing the specifics of each professional baseball team's chances this coming summer. As such, my rehashing of these points with little difference than my own personal views interjected wouldn't make for very dynamic reading and nobody, especially our dedicated editor, wants that. That being said, there isn't a whole lot of interesting banter that can be generated relative to baseball this early in the spring beyond the simple, straight-forward measure of any team's chances for hoisting a World Series trophy.
Alas, perhaps there is a happy medium to be had —prognosticating the 2008 baseball season without restating either the sublime or the ridiculous that my peers (or my betters, depending on your opinion of my writings) have already so capably provided. It is in this spirit that I present to you 2008's listing of what is sure to be served up on your MLB palette over the course of the upcoming season.
1. A "drug-free" player will top 60 homers for only the third time in MLB history. A-Rod has been knocking on that door for several years now and 2008 will be his season to join the likes of the Babe and Roger Maris. He still will be one of the primary contributors to yet another failed attempt at a Yankee championship, but personal glory has always been his strong-point and '08 will not yield any different result.
2. As A-Rod tops 60 homers, Barry Bonds' head will explode. As a result of a toxic cocktail of unbridled arrogance, rampant abuse of performance enhancers and the sudden realization that people just don't like him, the Greatest Player of the Steroid Era will blow is prodigious melon. It will happen on September 22nd as Alex the Great is canonized and just after Barry laments to the media "why doesn't anyone love me ... just because I cast doubt onto the American Pastime and did so with cold-hearted calculation not witnessed since Charles Manson roamed free doesn't make me a bad person."
3. The Cubs beat out Angels to take the championship/the Cubs just miss in their hunt for a title. Remarkably, both will happen (you see, my son's little league team name is the Cubs); what you have to figure out is which team will do what. This, my friends, is what those in the gambling business call hedging your bets.
4. The Angels win AL pennant over the Tigers. Dang it, looks like I gave away the suspense of the preceding entry. This, my friends, is what those in the gambling business call having a terrible poker face.
5. Houston's Woody Williams will retire by mid-May with an ERA of 12.25 and a record of 0-6. Team owner Drayton McClain will then offer the native Houstonian a lifetime services contract to serve as the team's home run coach, pointing out that he is more familiar with the long ball than anyone else in their organization.
6. I will win my fantasy baseball league. Through savvy drafting and a can't-miss strategy of dominating all pitching statistics, I will wind up the season atop my fantasy league for the first time ever. Yes, I am well aware that you quite likely care little for this prediction. Sorry; my article, my rules.
7. In a shocking turnaround, the Tampa Bay Rays will dominate many of the parks they play in. Of course, I am referring to Ray Jones and Ray Smith, the Tampa area traveling chess team, as they travel from one city park to the next plying their trade.
8. In an equally shocking turnaround, the real Tampa Bay Rays will be serviceable, winning a franchise-record 88 games in 2008.
9. The Tiger's Justin Verlander will be the best statistical pitcher in the AL in 2008. San Diego's Jake Peavy will hold that honor for the NL. Neither will win the Cy Young Award in 2008 as the voters will be enamored by lesser stars in larger markets.
10. The first-annual Rafael Palmeiro Award will be presented to Roger Clemens. The "Raffy" will recognize brilliance in a player who forces himself into retirement by publicly embarrassing himself in an effort to deny the undeniable. Congrats, Rocket; at least now you'll have a trophy to put in place of those Cy Young Awards the league is going to take back from you.
11. In the season's last month, all of America will realize at precisely the same moment the following truths: Joe Torre is overrated as a manager, Johan Santana is the left-handed pitching version of Alex Rodriguez (dominating stuff, until it matters most), the Baltimore Orioles are the worst-run franchise in baseball, and power hitting and pitching are far more valuable than team speed and hitting for average.
12. Sometime in mid-May, Hank Steinbrenner will fire, re-hire, re-fire, and finally hire again himself in homage to his dad. In the subsequent public statement announcing his triumphant return to the team, he will find a way to blame Scott Boras for an unfortunate hot dog shortage in Yankee Stadium's mezzanine section and will fill that void by hiring non-union peanut vendors who feel they had been given bad advice by their union bosses and decided to represent themselves.
13. Tired of playing second fiddle to the cross-town Cubs, the Chicago White Sox will voluntarily give up their 2005 World Series title in an effort to be considered the new "lovable losers." This strategy will fail miserable after A.J. Pierzynski goes on a rampage and punches out two dozen fans at a ball-signing session.
14. Sometime this summer, anti-stadium activist David Bicking will find the documentation he had been desperately searching for. This information will move Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak to issue an immediate stand-down on construction of Twins Ballpark. What will that damning document be, you may be wondering? A team program.
15. Cooperstown will shut its doors. After being stunned by the apparent use of performance enhancers by two of the sport's all-time greats, baseball's commissioner and the head of the players' union issue a joint statement recommending the HOF not allow accused users into its hallowed halls. Shortly thereafter, the Hall of Fame committee realizes that C.J. Nitkowski is the only eligible player from the '90s and decide to shut down the Hall for good.
I do hope you've enjoyed this look ahead at 2008 MLB season, minus that troublesome reality we all hear so much about.
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