Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch — Busch took the lead in the Kobalt Tools 500 with 50 laps to go and pulled away for the win, giving Toyota its first NASCAR Sprint Cup victory. Busch steered the No. 18 Joe Gibbs car to victory lane in Atlanta, a familiar place for made famous by 2000 Cup champion Bobby Labonte, who won six times at AMS.
"This victory means a lot," says Busch. "The No. 18 has returned to prominence, Toyota has its first win, and I get to keep this giant wrench, meaning I can now open and close fire hydrants as I please. Now, when I mention that I have a 'massive tool,' it won't be a lie. And, I'm thrilled to be a part of this historic moment for Toyota, not only for my team, but for the Japanese contingent. I understand I'm a hero over there, now. For that, I'd like to raise a toast: 'Sake, sake, they love me long time.'"
2. Carl Edwards — Edwards appeared to be on his way to a third consecutive win before a transmission failure caused a smoky end to his day on lap 275. Edwards had hoped to make a statement after losing 100 points for a rules infraction found in a post-race inspection last week in Vegas. Crew chief Bob Osborne was fined $100,000 and suspended for six races for the loose oil reservoir cover.
"It sounds like the consensus in the garage is that we cheated on purpose," says Edwards. "Well, all those accusers need to put a lid on it. Elliott Sadler, maybe I'd take what you say seriously if you'd stop talking in the voice of Carl from Sling Blade. Lee White of Toyota, you're a traitor who's been corrupted by the almighty yen. And Greg Biffle, the last time a teammate of mine stepped out of line, I gave him a 'Matt'-itude adjustment. Since then, Matt's been alone at the top of NASCAR's 'Cower Rankings.'"
3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt continued to lead the way for Hendrick Motorsports, finishing third at Atlanta to move up four places in the points to sixth, where he is 134 behind Kyle Busch.
"Look, I'm not going to sit here and bash a Goodyear tire anymore," says Earnhardt. "I've tried having a rational conversation with a tire, and trust me, they don't listen. It's like talking to my stepmother."
4. Jeff Gordon — Despite winning the pole on Friday, Gordon didn't have the fastest car on Sunday. Still, he finished fifth and led a lap to advance eight positions in the Sprint Cup points to 15th.
"In Atlanta, the pole's not that big of a deal unless your dancing around it," says Gordon. "I've never seen more strip clubs. There's got to be one on every block, which means there's two Waffle Houses on every block. First, NASCAR sends us to Las Vegas, then to Atlanta. Obviously, the powers-that-be want us to go to Bristol without a single one-dollar bill to our names."
"Now, did Tony Stewart overreact in his criticism of Goodyear's tires? Yes he did, but you've got to understand. Tony has unresolved issues, which he self-medicates with tire manufacturer bashing and food. Honestly, I think Tony was more rational than usual in his criticism of Goodyear — he didn't even curse. We all need to be a little easy on Tony. It's been proven that when backed into a corner, Tony usually responds with a race win or a right cross."
5. Tony Stewart — Stewart celebrated 10 years of Home Depot sponsorship with a second in Atlanta, following teammate Kyle Busch across the finish line for a one-two Toyota finish. Despite his solid finish, Stewart was outspokenly critical of Goodyear's tires, saying "this is the worst tire I've been on in my life."
"I've had better grip on a greased pig," says Stewart. "That may win me a date with Rock of Love's Bret Michaels, but it doesn't make for 325 safe trips around Atlanta Motor Speedway. I feel I've earned the right to be critical of a tire; heck, I've got one around my waist."
Goodyear spokesman Justin Fantozzi responded to Stewart's accusations by quoting a line from famed poet P.W. Herman, who wrote, "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."
6. Greg Biffle: Biffle fell a lap down about midway through the race, but earned it back with the "Lucky Dog" pass on lap 221. From there, Biffle used a quick pit stop to gain five spots, and eventually finished fourth, his third top-10 of the year.
"As you may have heard, I'm an advocate of taking wins away when cars fail inspection after winning a race," says Biffle. "Cheating is never acceptable, whether it's a loose oil lid, rocket fuel in the intake manifold, having Chad Knaus as a crew chief, or claiming your baby daddy's step-grandniece and nephew as dependents on your taxes. Jackson Hewitt, one of my sponsors, would never condone fudging on your taxes. And Jack Roush would never condone cheating. He's categorically denied intentionally leaving the cap off of the No. 99's oil reservoir. Oddly enough, Jack made that statement while not wearing his hat, which, testing has shown, produces 10% more downforce and 35% less credibility."
7. Kevin Harvick — Harvick wrestled with ever-changing handling conditions, but was able to score his third top-10 finish of the year with a seventh in the Kobalt Tools 500. Gaining one position, Harvick is now third in the Sprint Cup points, 91 off the top spot.
"As is often the case in NASCAR," says Harvick, "the action off the track is more intriguing that what takes place on the track. Tony Stewart's bashing Goodyear, which isn't the first time the Michelin Man has criticized Goodyear. And the integrity of Roush Fenway Racing has come under fire, and Jack Roush has vehemently defended his team. I'm not sure whether to believe the 'C(he)at In The Hat' or not."
8. Jeff Burton — Burton fought handling issues all day, but still managed to join Richard Childress Racing teammates Kevin Harvick and Clint Bowyer in the top 10 with a sixth in Atlanta. Burton is now fifth in the points, 110 out of first.
"Honestly, there were times when I didn't know which way my car was going to turn," says Burton. "I haven't faced that kind of uncertainty since last year, when I didn't know the logo of which cellular provider would be appearing on my hood from week to week. Anyway, as NASCAR's voice of reason, I feel it's my duty to eloquently and objectively speak on our latest controversy, the Carl Edward's scandal. Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater! I understand Jack Roush refused to take a lie detector test offered by ESPN. And, he even opted against a paternity test at the behest of The Jerry Springer Show."
9. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth finished eighth in Atlanta, which means little to you and me, but his win in Saturdays's Nationwide Series Nicorette 300, well, that's pretty important. That win got patrons of Arby's restaurants free fries in their "Matt's Monday" promotion.
"That's right," says Kenseth. "Free fries. It's the least I can do for my rabid fan base. As a bonus, bring your car in, and we'll check your oil lid. If it's on snug, you get nothing. If it's loose, you win a commemorative Carl Edwards cup filled with your favorite beverage, which we'll then pour out as punishment."
10. Jimmie Johnson — For the second-straight race, Johnson's No. 48 Lowe's Chevy was as stagnant as dirty pond water, a substance which, when found illegally in the intake manifold upon inspection, can result in a penalty under NASCAR's banned substances guidelines, which includes peanut butter, jelly, Silly Putty, and Mad Dog 20/20.
"This is certainly new territory for us," says Johnson. "Not being in the top 10 in points this early in the season. It's also new territory for Chad Knaus; not being suspended this early in the season."
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