Thursday, February 21, 2008
Five Steps to Fix the NFL’s Worst
I'm sitting here thinking about what to write, and it occurs to me that I'm an incredibly lucky guy.
Two healthy, beautiful daughters, a wife that to my knowledge hasn't decided to leave me yet, and a chair within viewing distance of a TV.
All things considered, I'm a pretty lucky guy.
So tonight, I've decided to give a little something back.
I'm going to use my vast football knowledge to give the worst teams in the NFL a foolproof plan to get back to respectability.
No need to thank me.
Miami Dolphins
Step 1) Call Jerry Jones, offer him the first overall pick in the draft for Marion Barber and his two first rounders. If he doesn't accept, sweeten the deal by adding a third rounder. Jerry Jones will make the deal.
Step 2) Grab Aqib Talib with the 22nd pick in the draft. Aqib gives you a big, athletic cornerback who has the size and speed to keep up with the Randy Moss's of the world.
Step 3) Next, you need to get your young quarterback some weapons. Grab Limas Sweed with the other first-rounder you get from the Cowboys.
Step 4) Trade Jason Taylor for whatever you can get. Jason Taylor is old, has a little value, and will not be around long enough to see you turn this thing around. So trade him for whatever you can get.
Step 5) Use the rest of your draft picks on linemen, both offensive and defensive, unless Dan Connor or Keith Rivers falls into the second round. If one does, grab him. If one falls close to the end of the first round, trade up to get there.
St. Louis Rams
Step 1) Get yourself either Glenn Dorsey or Chris Long, whichever guy is still on the board at two.
Step 2) Chris Williams from Vanderbilt is probably going to fall into the second round. You pick second in the second round. It's a perfect marriage! Williams will give you a future replacement for Orlando Pace and an instant infusion of talent at the offensive line (either inside or at right tackle).
Step 3) Invest in anti-concussion technology to help save your quarterback. Marc Bulger spends more time on his back than a female Raiders fan (yes, I went there). Since you can't seem to stop him from getting hit, invest in technology that will help keep him coherent when he does get hit.
Step 4) Tape Steven Jackson's mouth shut. He's not the best running back in the NFL. He's not going to rush for 2,000 yards next season. Best to keep him from embarrassing himself again by proclaiming both those things to anyone who will listen.
Step 5) Sue the Patriots! Help take your fans' minds off the fact that you stink again by suing the New England Patriots for potentially videotaping your walkthrough before Super Bowl XXXVI.
Oakland Raiders
Step 1) Stop the whole "Weekend at Bernie's" thing and just let Al Davis die. We've seen him. We know he's not a living person. He looks like a Skeletor, except more bony and dead-looking.
Step 2) Stop trying to run your coach out of town. Lane Kiffin is the only good thing you've got going. Stop trying to get him to quit and fire yourself. You suck.
Step 3) Tell your fans to stop wearing Halloween costumes, unless it's actually Halloween. I can't stress this enough. You look like morons. Your kids are ashamed of you. Stop it. Just stop it.
Step 4) Get someone competent to run your draft. Then, when they draft someone, make sure you sign him before the month of September. Sounds simple, sure. But we know how that goes.
Step 5) Just win, baby.
SeanMC is a columnist for Bleacher Report and writes a column for Sports Central every other Thursday. You can read more articles by SeanMC in his Bleacher Report archive.