NFL Weekly Predictions: Super Bowl XLII

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

NY Giants vs. New England (-13)

Like kicker Lawrence Tynes, who still can't get the taste of Tom Coughlin's shoe polish from his mouth, the Giants hope the third time is the charm against the Patriots. New York ended its preseason with a 27-20 loss to the Patriots, then closed the regular season with a 38-35 loss. The Giants, 13-point underdogs, can avoid the triple play by stunning the 18-0 Pats in Glendale, Arizona, capping one of the greatest upsets in Super Bowl history.

"Nothing motivates like a bitter preseason defeat," says the reptilian Tom Coughlin, the first coach to fire and re-hire a kicker in the span of the same playoff game. "Tynes is lucky to still have a job. Of course, now he has to suffer the indignity of wearing a 'Caution: I make wide left kicks' bumper sticker. And Tiki Barber has questioned his leadership ability. But you're not a true Giant unless Tiki has questioned your leadership. Seriously, though, if you give any kicker three shots at the game-winner, he'll eventually make it. That even goes for Mike Vanderjagt. 'Canadian Missed' is now sharing a one-bedroom apartment with Scott Norwood. 'Hook, Tynes, and Stinker' was very close to joining that house of losers."

"Sure, beating the Patriots is a daunting task. They've got more wins than Hershel Walker has personalities, and they're a team that features the perfect combination of superstars and role players. And, if you get your scouting reports from the Chargers, the Pats' dirty tactics make Jack Tatum look like the Pope. Personally, I don't think Jack Tatum looks anything like the Pope, and I doubt Tatum knows Roman Catholics from Roman Gabriel, but it sure would be cool to see Tatum in a pope hat drop the hammer on a wayward parishioner straying across the middle."

"Anyway, we're 1-0 versus undefeated teams this year — we beat the 2-0 Redskins in Week 3. Of course, the Patriots have an edge in Super Bowl experience. They're 3-0 in their last three Super Bowls. More importantly, they're 3-0 versus the NFC in those games. Honestly, I don't know if they can be beat. Maybe if we got them in a back alley with Kelly Tilghman and Dana Jacobsen calling play-by-play with inappropriate language, as well as a few digs about their 'Patriot missiles,' and the Reverend Al Sharpton doing the color analysis, we've got a shot."

New England's magical season has been unforgettable, but not without a few minor bumps along the way. Bookending the Pats' regular-season domination and record-setting stats from Tom Brady and Randy Moss was the "Spygate" scandal in September and Moss' incident in Florida that led to the placement of a restraining order.

"Hey, since when is bitch-slapping illegal?" asks Moss, who was recently named president of the Ike Turner Fan Club. "In West Virginia, it's legal. In fact, it's encouraged. The same goes for Oakland. Just ask Art Shell. But this whole incident is clearly wack. It's no coincidence this went down in Florida. It's a conspiracy perpetrated by those sinister and bitter 1972 Dolphins. They lured me to Florida with the promise of a case of Garo Yepremian, which I thought was some new premium champagne. Turns out, Garo Yepremian is not a tasty beverage. But he was better looking than the Stankonian that tried to extort money from me. Look, I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, all I did was walk in, squirt water in her face, moon her, and leave early. Is that a crime?"

"Anyway, I'm going to make the most of this bogus charge. I'm organizing my own fraternal organization, modeled after the Moose Lodge, called the 'Loyal Order of Restraint.' Membership in this exclusive club gets you the usual fare, such as turkey shoots, bingo games, and legal advice in such matters as running over parking attendants and false imprisonment."

While Moss deals with his issues, Bill Belichick, never one to give a straight answer, has been particularly ambiguous when asked about the status of Tom Brady's high ankle sprain, suffered in the AFC Championship Game against the Chargers. Brady missed a few practices, and has been seen wearing a protective boot on his right foot.

"That's news to me," says Belichick. "Are you sure he wasn't skiing? All this Moss/Brady talk is ridiculous. This team is undefeated, and all the media wants to hear about is a restraining order and an ankle sprain. One more win and we make history. If you want a story, go ask Tom Cruise how he and his cronies are somehow responsible for that, for L. Ron Hubbard's sake. In the meantime, let Moss enjoy his time in Phoenix without talk of restraining orders. If he wants to enjoy the weather while wearing a Phoenix Suns jersey, then let him. But you might want to explain to him that 'PHX' is an abbreviation for Phoenix, and not a transitive verb. As for Brady, if you want information on his foot, ask Gisele Bundchen. She's knows Tom's foot in and out, up and down, and front and back."

Like his brother Peyton, Eli Manning hopes to win the Super Bowl in his first try, and go through Brady and the Patriots in the process. Last year, Peyton and the Colts knocked out New England in the AFC championship before finishing off the Bears in Super Bowl 41. Eli's task is tougher, as he faces a more talented Patriots team that is playing with history on the line.

"Am I nervous?" says Eli. "I'm not going to lie. I'm terrified. This is my first moment in the big game. Previously, my experience with Super Bowls has involved 50-cent shoe rentals and stale draft beer. Luckily, I have a brother who's a master at recognizing defenses, as well as deftly extracting the stuffing betwixt an Oreo cookie. Hopefully, when Peyton gives me the lowdown on the Patriots defense, he'll do it without the mildly homo-erotic overtones that existed in that soft-core Oreo commercial. I haven't been that creeped out since I was six and walked in on Peyton wearing nothing but black hightop cleats and panty hose, in homage to his heroes, Johnny Unitas and Joe Namath."

In their regular season loss to the Patriots, the Giants scored 35 points and scored touchdowns all four times they entered the red zone. Although it was a loss, that game may have been the catalyst for the G-Men's run to the Super Bowl, the result of three-straight road wins in which they were the underdog. What will it take for the G-Men to continue such a run and become Super Bowl champions? First of all, they'll have to "go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs and have some fun," a mantra legendary Giants linebacker applied not only to football, but also to scoring women, cocaine, and kitschy lightning bolt earrings. The Giants have to be aggressive on both sides of the ball, and a maniacal linebacker like L.T. would sure come in handy in chasing a gimpy Brady out of the pocket and into territory where a blindside hit, or a cheap helmet to the ankle, could do some damage. But the Patriot offensive line has protected Brady all year. There's no evidence to suggest they won't on Sunday.

Offensively, the G-Men will need a big game from their big-play wideout, Plaxico Burress, who's predicted a 23-17 Giants win. Burress had a huge 11-catch, 151-yard game against the Packers, but it's doubtful Belichick will allow that to be duplicated. As the Packers and their boneheaded coaching staff proved, you shouldn't try to mark Burress with an undersized cornerback, and then be stubborn enough not to make an adjustment when it's obvious said cornerback can't cover him. Belichick is only stubborn when it comes to straight answers and improvements to his wardrobe. And the last player dumb enough to guarantee a win over the Patriots, Pittsburgh's Anthony Smith, had a target on his back. Burress will, too, so expect Rodney Harrison to put a helmet there. Suffice it to say the Pats won't let Burress beat them.

Just before kickoff, honorary coin tosser, Senator John McCain (R-Arizona), does the honors at midfield, giving millions of Americans a demonstration of how they'll be selecting their President come November. New York wins the toss, and Manning takes the field, with Foreigner's "Feels Like the First Time" playing in his head. Belichick moseys out in a tank top cut from a sweatshirt, a headband, and red-and-white striped shorts. After leading his squad in a quick aerobic workout, Belichick send them out with a concise pregame speech — "Unleash Hell." After a quick three and out, the Pats take over, and Brady strolls onto the field, humming Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again." Brady quickly gets Moss involved, connecting on two short passes, as Moss breaks his other restraining order on having multiple-catch games. Later in the drive, Brady hits Wes Welker for a touchdown. The Giants come back and score to tie the game, and later, New England takes a 17-14 lead into the half.

During the Super Bowl halftime show, while most fans take a leak and television ratings take a plunge, rocker and Traveling Wilbury Tom Petty takes the stage with the hopes of jamming at midfield like the aging, butt-ugly, white rockers who laid the groundwork before him, such as the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, and Michael Jackson. Petty's veteran act was chosen to headline over more youth-appealing acts, such as R&B heartthrob and Tennessee Titans running back, the versatile Chris Brown, a duet from Busta Rhymes and LeAnn Rimes called "Country 'Bump'-kin/Bustin' Rimes," and R. Kelly's tribute to football and 14-year-old girls, called "Field and Stream."

Petty's NFL-themed act includes alternate versions of some of his greatest hits. In an ode to Ronnie Lott, Petty croons "You don't have to live like an am-pu-tee" from his 1979 blockbuster "Refugee." "Don't Come Around Here No More" tells the story of a New York Jet cameraman ejected from Gillette Stadium by the Patriots. "Mary Jane's Last Dance" chronicles Ricky Williams' return to the NFL, and "The Waiting" revisits Brady Quinn's draft day experience and subsequent, and current, battle for a starting job. In an unannounced performance to end the show, rapper Chuck D leads Public Enemy in a politically-charged rendition of "By the Time I Get to Arizona," although some of the militant attitude of the song is diffused by the comical sight of Flavor Flav wearing a full-sized 40-second play clock while shamelessly pining for Bridgette Nielsen.

With the halftime show in the books, Brady comes out blazing, visibly upset after word gets back to him that former girlfriend and mother of his child Bridget Moynahan starred in a commercial for GoDaddy.com that aired during the half. Moss catches a 30-yard touchdown strike to give the Patriots a 10-point lead. New York keeps it relatively close, but the Patriots salt it away with a late score, and win 30-21.

Brady humbly chalks up his win over a Manning in a Super Bowl as one of the several million things he's achieved in his life that Rex Grossman hasn't, and Randy Moss becomes the first corn-rowed recipient of the Super Bowl Most Valuable Player award. After learning that he's won a complimentary Doctorate of Madd Skillz degree from the University of Phoenix, he then announces that he's "going to Disneyworld, as long as it's 500 feet from that trick who slapped me with a restraining order."