NFL Weekly Predictions: Divisional Round

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Seattle @ Green Bay (-9)

For several years, Matt Hasselbeck has been haunted by a recurring nightmare involving a coin toss, a vow of victory, and a dreadlocked black man named Al. Despite the conclusions of several psychiatrists, Hasselbeck insists the root of the problem is not the memory of his father losing his mother in a poker game. Instead, the more likely culprit is the emotional damage resulting from his famous answer to winning the overtime coin toss in a playoff game in Green Bay in 2004: "We want the ball, and we're going to score!" As everyone knows, Packer cornerback Al Harris intercepted Hasselbeck's pass and returned it for a score to eliminate the Seahawks, 33-27.

"Hey, it's all about redemption," says Hasselbeck. "I'm about as far removed from a Jamaican reggae music legend as possible, and the closest I've come to smoking weed is sniffing the used coffee grounds at my local Starbucks, and I've never been to the magical country of Rastafaria, but I can sing my own 'Redemption Song.'"

"I'm certainly thrilled that Matt likes to sing," says Brett Favre, who, like Hasselbeck, brings a wealth of playoff experience to the table, as well as other pieces of furniture. "I never took him for a Bob Marley fan. He seems more like a Human League or Spandau Ballet kind of guy. But crooning won't help him live down that interception. Matt can seek redemption, via song or some other route, but he won't get it. I hope he's aware that Al Harris is still here. Al's interception was one of many historic moments in Lambeau Field history. When Al made that pick, he did a little singing of his own. He went, 'I will sing this victory song, 'cause I'm already gone. Yes, I'm already gone. And I'm feelin' strong. I will sing this victory song.' Afterwards, we smoked a victory bong. Fittingly, that win put us in the divisional round against the Eagles."

"Anyhow, I've got something that Matt doesn't. No, not a 12-ounce Super Bowl ring, but one MVP vote from the Associated Press, while Tom Brady got 49, and Matt got zero. I didn't know John Madden was a member of the AP, but apparently he placed his vote 30,000 feet in the air while having a panic attack. I hear he was seated next to William Shatner, who swore he saw an alien creature tampering with the plane's wing. I guess that's what happens when airlines outsource mechanical work. Now, I'd like to tell Matt that winning the Super Bowl is not all it's cracked up to be, especially when Mike Holmgren is your coach. Has Matt ever tried to carry that behemoth off the field on his shoulders? I did that after Super Bowl XXXI and separated both shoulders and suffered a compressed C5 vertebrae. Of course, I played golf the next day."

Road playoff wins are like hair on Hasselbeck's balding dome — there are few. And Green Bay's lost only two home playoff games in history, one to Michael Vick and the Falcons in 2003, and the latest to the afrocentric Vikings and Randy Moss in 2005. Those were two cold days in Hell. The Seahawks will try to put pressure on Favre, and hopefully force him into some underhanded throws, or better yet, some of the throws he made against Dallas earlier this year. Green Bay has the defensive backfield to match up with Seattle's wide receivers, or at least two of them. Charles Woodson has recovered from his toe injury, but not from the effects of the tuck rule, and Harris knows Hasselbeck's tendencies, and the Seattle signal-caller has been known to tip his hand on occasion. Not on the field, mind you, but from reading the Seattle playbook at bedtime to his brat kids, who'll unload a playbook secret just for a sleeve of Smarties. In the end, Favre will place the game in the hands of one of his receivers, who often turn short passes into big gains.

Packers win, 27-24.

Jacksonville @ New England (-11½)

Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio is charged with the unenviable task of devising a scheme to slow the record-setting New England offense, which scored 589 points this year. Paramount to that endeavor is limiting the impact of the Tom Brady to Randy Moss connection, which accounted for 23 touchdowns.

"They're certainly a record-setting duo," says Del Rio, admiring a signed two-point conversion guide sheet, courtesy of Mike Tomlin. "Much like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney produced record sales back in 1984 with 'Ebony and Ivory,' Moss and Brady have topped the charts with the 'Ebonics and Ivory' aerial assault. Of course, there's probably no chance that Moss will turn white in the future, nor that Brady will dump Giselle Bundchen for a one-legged gold-digger whose sole intent is to milk his estate dry, but whom is a surprising wiz on Dancing With the Stars."

"Anyway, we're under no illusions. We know that to beat the Pats, we'll have to score with them. Sure, that's a tall order. Their offense is a fine-tuned machine, comparable to a McLaren Formula 1 car screaming at 18,000 rpm through the tunnel at Monte Carlo. Conversely, our offense is more like a souped-up John Deere pulling a weight sled at a high school dirt track tractor pull. Don't forget, though. That McLaren was slowed by the weight of a 1,000-page dossier of Ferrari technical secrets, and the Pats are weighted down by the aftermath of the 'Spygate' affair.

"Not that it should take anything away from their accomplishments. I just want to be notified should they intend on filming me, so I can at least dress for the occasion. I could wear the fresh JDR suit and tie, but I think the weather in New England calls for the normal coaches attire accented with the black leather jacket. Black leather was always lucky for my childhood hero. No, I'm not talking about Adam Cartwright of Bonanza fame. I'm referring to Arthur Fonzerelli, hoss. Nothing against Cartwright, but I think the ability to make out with a chick with just the snap of a finger is much more impressive than just getting Little Joe out of bind after bind."

With the Jaguars likely to attack with the run, much of the responsibility of stopping them will fall on the talented but aging linebacking corps of Junior Seau, Mike Vrabel, Adalius Thomas, and their outspoken leader, Tedy Bruschi.

"Say, say, say what you want," says Bruschi, pumping iron to the tune of his favorite Billy Squier song, 'The Stroke,' "but the spying scandal had absolutely nothing to do with our success this year. People see perfection and automatically want to find a flaw. Well, perfection is commonplace here. You can find it in our record, and you can find it in the pictures posted in Tom Brady's locker. I just wish we didn't have to insert a quarter every time we want to view those pictures. But it's money well spent. Tom's lucky. That doggone girl is his. As for that bowling ball on legs Maurice Jones-Drew, three fingers craftily applied will put a stop to him. That'll be when I use three fingers to inform him that I'm a three-time Super Bowl champion. Hopefully, after that, he'll take it easy on this old man and won't plow me into the ground."

The three feet of snow that the Jaguars had hoped for on Saturday won't materialize, so the high-scoring New England attack won't be slowed by the white stuff. Snow or not, Jacksonville's game plan should remain the same: Fred Taylor here, Maurice Jones-Drew there, and a few designed quarterback runs by David Garrard sprinkled in between. Provided they have success on the ground, the next key to success in scoring touchdowns and not settling for field goals. Field goals against the Patriots are practically worthless, especially since Brady will pick apart the Jags' secondary. I give the Jags a chance if they score four touchdowns, force two turnovers, and Randy Moss mysteriously disappears (not like he did as a Raider, but legitimately, from a kidnapping). At this point, I wouldn't put anything past the 1972 Dolphins.

Brady and Moss combine for two scores, Wes Welker adds 17 receptions for 49 yards, and New England wins, 35-16.

San Diego @ Indianapolis (-9)

Facing a 6-0 halftime deficit against the scrappy Titans, the Chargers finally stopped bickering with themselves long enough to storm back for a 17-6 win and a rematch against the Colts, whom San Diego beat 23-21 in Week 10. It was the Chargers first playoff win in 13 years, and justification in the distorted minds of Chargers' brass that canning Marty Schottenheimer was a brilliant strategic move.

"Hey, did you just say 'Chargers,' 'playoffs,' and 'win' in the same sentence?" asks Peyton Manning. "Shouldn't there be a 'no' in there somewhere? Hush your mouth. But congratulations, Chargers. With your win, you saved mankind from having to suffer through a Tennessee/New England divisional round game, which probably would have been even less competitive than a Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle. And fans don't have to view a third Jacksonville/Indy game. We all know what the outcome of that would be. And we get our chance for revenge against the Chargers. You know, they ended our 2005 undefeated season, and they beat us this year, thanks to my six interceptions. That just goes to show you that the Mafia can get to Peyton Manning."

"But really, is it necessary to cry after a wild card victory, as Norv Turner did? What is this, Norv? Your daughter's wedding? Tony Dungy didn't cry after his first wild card victory. He just stood there like he did when he won the Super Bowl. And is LaDainian Tomlinson the biggest pouter in the NFL? How many times do we have to see shots of him sitting on the bench with a sour look on his face? Look, L.T., if you're not getting the ball enough, then maybe your yards per rush average should be greater than 1.5. If you need a priceless Peyton Manning pep talk, or guidance in tricking out your minivan, then I'm your guy. You feeling me? You love it."

"Look, I have emotions," says Tomlinson, "just like Hillary Clinton. Here's a tip, Hillary. If you're not going to get a facelift, wear a helmet and visor. Sure, it's a little more bulky than that paper bag Bill has you wear, but it's intimidating. And we all know that intimidation wins elections. But enough about politics. The only vote that matters is the Pro Bowl vote, and the Hall of Fame vote when I'm eligible for entry. Hopefully, never having won a Super Bowl won't keep me out."

Tomlinson always plays with a chip on his shoulder when he faces the Colts, and he comes out blazing. L.T. rushes for a six-yard touchdown early, and the Bolts take a 14-13 halftime lead. The Colts make the necessary adjustments, including assigning NFL Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders L.T. duty, as well as piping in a Marty Schottenheimer speech into the San Diego locker room. Sanders gets on Tomlinson like a cheap suit, and Manning finds Dallas Clark and a healthy Marvin Harrison for second-half scores.

Indianapolis wins, 30-20.

NY Giants @ Dallas (-7 1/2)

With a near flawless 20-of-27, 185-yard, two-touchdown performance in the Giants 24-14 win over Tampa last week, Eli Manning is the toast of the town. With his first playoff win as a starting quarterback, Manning finally has the monkey off his back, a monkey now charged with grooming responsibilities to the larger and older monkey extricated from brother Peyton's back three years ago.

"It's nice to finally get that damn dirty ape off my back," says Manning. "But I guess I didn't have it as bad as Charlton Heston had it. That poor guy had an entire planet of simians busting his chops. And it's nice to get those Barber brothers, Tiki and Ronde, off my case. I fully expect Marion Barber III to have nothing but good things to say about me leading up to the Dallas game. That 'III' means he must be the third Barber brother, but that could be a misread on my part. Anyway, it's finally good to be Eli Manning. Sunday will be an all-Manning day. First, Peyton and the Colts host the Chargers, then I lead the Giants into Dallas. Finally, my pops, Archie, hosts Spike TV's Good Pets Gone Bad vs. Ultimate Fighters. And, I've been asked to appear on I Love New York and A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, as well as the spinoff to those two series, Average Joes Looking For Hos. Tony Romo's found his dream girl; maybe I'll find mine, to love, cherish, and break down game film."

In Dallas, Terrell Owens is set to star in his own television show, A Shot of Cortisone With the Dallas Trainer. Owens suffered an ankle sprain on December 22nd, and has been fervently rehabbing with a regimen that includes electrical stimulation, hot and cold compression, and owner Jerry Jones constantly whispering in his ear that he's "the greatest wide receiver of all-time, and my hero." Early indications are that Owens will be a game-time decision, but judging by his history of playing with injuries, Owens should be a go, albeit not at full-strength.

"People have questioned my loyalty, dedication, ethics, coachability, suicide attempts, and pretty much each and every one of my characteristics," says Owens. "But never my toughness. On one good ankle or two, I can still beat a Giant cornerback, and outmuscle a safety over to help. Just a few injections of Lidocaine and B-12, and I'll be like new."

Just before airtime, Joe Buck walks in on broadcast partner Troy Aikman applying some eye shadow and concealer.

"Dude," says a disgusted Buck.

Aikman pretends to moon Buck, disgusting him even further.

Even with Owens at less than his best, the Cowboys have plenty of options on offense, such as (Maid) Marion Barber, (Oran) Julius Jones, Jason (Once) Witten (Twice Shy), Patrick Crayton (For a Girl Like You), (What in the) San Hurd (Is Going on Here?), Terry Glenn (Hur), Anthony (Blame it on the) Fasano (-Va), and Nick Folk (You and the Horse You Rode in On). Tony Romo has the agility to move around in the pocket and avoid the Giants' pass rush, and Wade Phillips has promised that Romo won't have to hold on field goals. Furthermore, Manning has one more playoff win than Romo, which just has to burn Romo up. Dallas has the home-field advantage, and Jessica Simpson is hundreds of miles from Dallas, locked in a bomb shelter in Sioux City, Iowa 500 feet below the earth's surface at the behest of Romo. It's a tight one, but the Cowboys advance with a 27-23 win.