Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh @ St. Louis (+7½)
With the holidays approaching, it's a good time to give thanks for things such as $800 handbags, $500 video game consoles, cell phones with pacemaking capabilities, and $5,000 spinning rims. For those items, we have to thank the big coordinator in the sky, Jesus Christ. For those of you lacking the finer things in life, like DirecTV, well, you're obviously going to Hell.
"It's also the time of year to remember those less fortunate," says Ben Roethlisberger. "Like Anthony Smith. The dude needs some serious coverage skills. And Bryant Gumbel. If the season doesn't end soon, he'll be out of a job. Bryant's been a good little boy, so let's hope Santa answers his prayers for three NFL Network games a week next year. That would give him one more position to be demoted to. And, as a quarterback, I'd be thrilled if Santa Claus answered the wishes of little Marc Bulger, who asked for a flak jacket and five blocking dummies. And for the Steelers, we'd like a gift-wrapped scheduling error by the NFL that allows the No. 4 AFC seed to play the No. 6 seed, and not the No. 5-seeded Jaguars."
You've got to admire Bulger's courage when he hangs in the pocket, knowing a big hit is surely on the way, and makes the pass before a rib-crushing hit. It's reminiscent of the bravery displayed by Rams Vince Ferragamo in Super Bowl XIV against Pittsburgh's Steel Curtain in a 31-19 losing effort.
"The Incredible Hulk played quarterback for the Rams?!" asks an excited Scott Linehan, whose players don't like him when he's angry, or otherwise.
No, that was Lou Ferrigno, not Vince Ferragamo. But, from what I hear, Vince could get a little malicious when his eye black wasn't smeared on just right.
"But he didn't turn green and bulk up?" asks Linehan.
Yeah. But enough about the Mitchell report.
"Hey, speaking of superhuman feats of strength and Rams quarterbacks," says Linehan, "how about the time Jim, or was it Chris, Everett, flipped a table over after Jim Rome belittled him on national television, or at least in front of the Rome is Burning audience? That was a classic moment. I like that kind of attitude in Rams' quarterbacks. If Marc could show a little agitation now and then, I think he'd be a better quarterback. It's takes anger, and a certain amount of manhood, to turn over a table on Jim Rome after being called by the name of a women's tennis player. So this week, I'm challenging Marc Navritilova to come through with his best game of the year."
Sorry, Coach. Navritilova is more of a man than Bulger, with one heck of a slice serve to the ad court, to boot. It hasn't been a banner year for the Rams, and it continues. A legion of Terrible Towel wavers make the trip; Rams fans counter with Kleenex. Steelers win, 34-20.
Dallas @ Carolina (-10½)
With new flame Jessica Simpson in attendance, wearing a pink No. 9 jersey, Tony Romo fired mostly blanks, limp-arming his way to a 13-of-36, 214-yard, 3-INT day as the visiting Eagles stunned the Cowboys, 10-6. The loss dropped Dallas to 12-2, and raised the possibility that the Cowboys may not have homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Romo also sprained his thumb, but he insisted he'd be ready to play Saturday against the Panthers.
"I don't know how we got those jersey's switched," says Simpson. "But obviously, Tony should have been wearing the pink one. Maybe there is some truth to the notion that whenever one of Tony's girlfriends shows up for a game, he plays badly. I should be so lucky. Whenever anyone shows up for one of my movies, it goes badly."
Simpson wasn't the only star in a Dallas luxury box on Sunday. Dallas Mavericks head coach Avery Johnson was the guest of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. Jones discussed the business side of football, while Johnson tried to explain to Jones that the "pick and roll" is not a condition suffered by habitual nose-pickers.
"Fascinating stuff," says Jones. "Avery's a young, impressionable coach. I just want him to understand that he can't let the shenanigans and outspokenness of a meddlesome owner get in the way of his coaching. Also, if you want to be a man, you should talk like one."
It took 14 games, but it looks like the Panthers defense is rounding back into 2005 form. More amazingly, their cheerleaders have behaved themselves, although my Photoshop album says differently. And, remarkably, at 6-8, the Panthers still have a shot at the playoffs. It's a shot in the dark, but a shot nonetheless. The Cowboys are playing for much more, including the right not to play in Green Bay should the 'Boys advance to the NFC championship. The thought gives them goosebumps.
Romo plays, but his grotesquely swollen thumb proves that even cowgirls get the blues. Marion Barber rushes for a score, and Dallas wins, 24-17.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (+3)
When the Browns and Bengals last met, the Browns introduced Derek Anderson as their starter at quarterback and introduced their offense to the Bengals defense. It was a match made in heaven, at least for the Cleveland offense, as the Browns outscored the Bengals to win 51-45. This Sunday, with a win, the Browns can clinch a playoff spot as well as keep their hopes for the division crown alive.
"For a first date," says Marvin Lewis, "the Browns sure did get lucky. You would think Chuck Woolery set them up. Our defense is easy, easy like Sunday morning, and as soft as Lionel Richie's afro in the Commodores' heyday in the mid-to-late 1970s. You know, that bouffant was the inspiration for today's airbag systems in automobiles. Richie slammed his 1976 Gremlin at 45 miles per hour into an oak tree and walked away physically unscathed. Mentally, he was damaged beyond repair, destined to be known less for his music and more as the stepfather of paparazzi and loser magnet, the socialite Nicole Richie. I can relate. Once I became a head coach, I lost all ability to teach defense, and afros and Gremlins had nothing to do with it."
With a win, or a Tennessee loss, the Browns clinch a playoff position. Already proven as a high-powered offense, Cleveland showed that they can grind out a defensive win when necessary. Last Sunday in the snow, Jamal Lewis rushed 33 times for 163 yards in the Browns 8-0 win over the Bills.
"Jamal is running with a renewed purpose," says Romeo Crenel. "Once again, he's running like the feds are hot on his tail. Only this time, he's outrunning them. We've pretty much built this team around Baltimore Raven personnel blunders. First, they cut Derek Anderson, then they didn't resign Jamal. It looks like the Ravens will have a high draft pick. We'll be there when he's cut."
Browns win, 31-27.
Green Bay @ Chicago (+9)
In the Packers' 33-14 win over the Rams last week, Brett Favre passed Dan Marino to become the all-time leader on the NFL's passing yardage list. Favre celebrated Marino's total erasure from the record book by donning a pair of Isotoner gloves and scarfing down six Slim Fast meals. Then, in a reversal of normal procedure, Favre called Marino, instead of the other way around, to inform the Dolphin great that he's got a better chance of finding his name in the Greater Miami phone book than the NFL record book.
"Hey, Dan was sick of calling me and congratulating me on breaking his records," says Favre. "There's no shame in being second to Brett Favre, unless it's in acting ability. I've seen goal posts with more range than myself, and a greater ability to avoid a Michael Strahan sack."
The Bears beat the Packers in Week 5, a defeat that still sits uneasily in the gullet of Favre, like a stale, mint-flavored dip of smokeless tobacco. Now it's time to spit. Favre throws for 223 yards and a touchdown, and the Packers win, 22-16.
Houston @ Indianapolis (-9)
The Colts actually trailed the Raiders 14-13 in the fourth quarter, but, as he has done so often before, Peyton Manning directed a game-winning fourth quarter drive to give the Colts a 21-14 win at Oakland. Indy locked up the AFC South crown and a first-round bye in the playoffs.
"The game-winning fourth-quarter drive has to be the most overrated statistic in the league," says Manning. "Just a side-note. Center Jeff Saturday has exactly the same number of game-winning fourth quarter drives as I. And he's a fat slob, but he's one of the few men I've encountered in life that gladly allows my hands in his crotch. For that, I commend him. Anyway, that's not important. What's important is the state of brother Eli's psyche. He's going through a tough stage now. People forget that he's still a young quarterback, and with that comes growing pains. I know. I suffered through some horrendous growing pains. Of course, mine were in the AFC championship, in the driving snow, against a New England team that eventually won the Super Bowl. Eli will overcome his, and one day, he'll win his Super Bowl. That might be eight years from now when he's backing up the starter in Houston. Until then, I'm changing my full name from 'Peyton Williams Manning' to Peyton "No Relation to Eli" Manning. And, just to clarify, Superbad is not a movie about the quarterback play of myself compared to Eli."
With a first-round bye locked up, the Colts have nothing to play for, but there's a load of incentive clauses in backup quarterback Jim Sorgi's contract he's dying to cash in on. Like, if he takes 20 non-kneel-down snaps, he gets to serve as a stand-in for Manning's next commercial shoot.
Colts win, 27-21.
Kansas City @ Detroit (-5)
Back in Week 7, the Chiefs were 4-3, first in the AFC West, while the Lions were 4-2, second in the NFC North. Since that pivotal week, Kansas City has lost seven in a row, while the Lions have gone 2-6.
"Now is no time to play the 'blame game,'" says Detroit president and chief buffoon Matt Millen. "I took this job to make this team better. And better we are. We only won three games last year. Already, we've won six. We had our win total from last year doubled by Week 9, which meant my salary doubled as well. Multiply that win total of six by one, and you've got our number of wins right now. I don't care how you add it up, this team is making progress. Now, to address our run-stopping abilities, which were anemic against the Chargers, I've signed the 'Dominator' Dominic Hasek to protect our goal, and I've signed New York Islanders goon and future felon Chris Simon to injure anyone who breaks past Hasek."
The Chiefs, along with the Ravens and Jets, qualified for the playoffs last year. Like Baltimore and New York, Kansas City has tumbled hard. Those three teams are a combined 11-31, and their tumbles from glory have been drastic.
"That's the nature of the game," says Jared Allen, the Chiefs lone Pro Bowl selection on defense. "You win some, you lose some, you lose some more, then you lose some more. Hey, since the Chargers are no longer whining for Marty Schottenheimer to come back, can we get him to come back here?"
No dice, you slacker. Marty's on a boat somewhere at sea, desperately trying to find his way back to land.
Lions win, 27-21.
Miami @ New England (-21½)
The Dolphins head to New England as the hottest 1-13 team in the league, while the Patriots, who have shown weaknesses and vulnerability lately, are playing not like a team that is 14-0, but more like a 13-1 team, or maybe a 13-0-1 team. Last week's sloppy 20-10 win over the Jets put an anticlimactic end to the "Spygate" affair, as Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini shared what appeared to be a warm handshake at game's end. In any case, the Patriots' quest of perfection continues against the Dolphins, the last team to defeat them in a regular season game.
"It looked like a sincere handshake," says Randy Moss, "but you guys couldn't see the joy buzzer in Belichick's hand. I can't tell you how many times that son of a gun has zapped me with that little toy. Coach calls it his 'Michael Vick' handshake. Coach is a great guy. I never envisioned being a part of such an organization. Heck, I never envisioned using the word 'envision.' I think being around Coach, Tom Brady, and all the guys has given me a sense of class. You know, I had never worn a shirt with a collar until I became a Patriot. It saddens me to think that I lived much of my life under the notion that 'dressing up' meant wearing an oversized t-shirt bearing the image of Tupac Shakur, Scarface, or a marijuana leaf. I'm a changed man, now. I want an undefeated season to be the defining moment of my career."
The Dolphins averted history last week, beating the Ravens 22-16 for their first win and ending their winless drought, thereby ensuring they wouldn't match the 1976 Buccaneers for futility. Now, with the pressure off, Miami can focus their attention on working a miracle and shocking the undefeated Patriots.
"We were quite inspired last week by seeing the undefeated 1972 Dolphins," says Jason Taylor. "I have to admit, when I first saw those guys, I thought a shuffleboard tournament was starting, or maybe choir practice, but once they put those jerseys on, it was a moving moment. Sunday in New England, we'll have to find our own inspiration. And, as last week proved, there's nothing like a reunion to do the trick. I hear the boys from Led Zeppelin are back together, which means some of the most greatest music in history is about to be replayed. But who cares about the music. I want to know when the band, an uninhibited groupie, and a mud shark will be reliving their magic moment."
The Pats have earned homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Oddly enough, that could work to their disadvantage. As the Jets game showed, bad weather conditions somewhat bring the Patriots back to the field. Sure the Pats are a cold-weather team, but their offense doesn't hit high gear on a sloppy field. The Colts, Steelers, and Jaguars all seem to have modus operandi more suited to the cold and snowy conditions likely to occur in January. But, I guess that's the price the Patriots must pay for going undefeated. They've made their bed, now they must sleep in it.
Patriots win, 32-9.
NY Giants @ Buffalo (+3)
It's a rematch of Super Bowl XXV, won by the Giants 20-19 when Scott Norwood kicked himself and his single-bar facemask into oblivion. That game marked the second Super Bowl win for the Giants and the first of four consecutive Super Bowl losses for the Bills. More importantly, it marked the last coherent performance by Whitney Houston, who sang The Star Spangled Banner at the game.
"That brought tears to my eyes," says Tom Coughlin, "much like crack cocaine withdrawal, an open-handed slap from Bobby Brown, or watching Eli Manning quarterback in windy conditions against the Redskins."
Manning was awful in the Giants 22-10 loss to the 'Skins, going 18-of-52 for 184 yards. And, once again, he had to face the wrath of the New York media and fans, something he has dealt with his entire career, and handled admirably, never losing his cool.
"Look, I don't live in a vacuum," says Manning. "If I did, I wouldn't have to deal with media and fan criticism, and I would probably complete more than 34% of my passes, since there's no wind in a vacuum, nor are there any defenders. Also, in a vacuum, family legacies cannot be tarnished. So I, as well as my teammates, need to turn this thing around and dispel this talk of the Giants' late-season swoon. We can't beat teams with a winning record. Luckily, the Bills are 7-7; that makes this a toss-up."
The Bills have been eliminated from the playoffs, but that doesn't mean they don't want to wreck the Giants road to a playoff berth. No matter what the stakes, the Bills will lineup and smack you in the mouth.
"We always hang in a Buffalo stance," says Dick Jauron. "For the playoffs, the Giants have no chance. In the pocket, Eli's got ants in his pants. Get medieval on their ass, use a lance."
The Giants get out of their G-Funk, and play like all-stars. New York wins, 26-20.
Oakland @ Jacksonville (-13)
After a 29-22 win at windy and cold Heinz Field, the Jags are 10-4 and confident that they can go anywhere, in any kind of weather, and beat any team in the NFL. Jacksonville has all the necessary ingredients for a successful playoff run: a punishing running game, an efficient, mistake-free quarterback, a hard-hitting defense, and a confident coach who knows how to motivate the cats. And he likes to tease.
"We're walking tall," says Jack Del Rio. "Like Buford Pusser, we speak softly and carry a big stick. And I'm not talking about Walking Tall starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I'm talking about Walking Tall starring Joe Don Baker. "The Rock" carries a toothpick compared to the wooden club Joe Don wields. And, his name is "Joe Don," which scores points in my book. After learning of the NFL's Pro Bowl choices, I'd like to take a stick upside the heads of the members of the selection committee. Not a single Jaguar on the team. You've got to be jiving me. That's blatant disrespect. You can best believe I'll use that to motivate my team against the Raiders. This time, it's personal. I'm not here to feathers ruffle, but if I were Lane Kiffin, I wouldn't start JaMarcus Russell.
"I'm starting to rhyme and I like it. We're fired up, and I've separated my shoulder from pumping my fist so much. Does anyone want to play us? We'll go on the road anywhere, against anyone, and take their best shot. And I guess we'll have to, since we're a wild card team. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Oh, sorry. Reading the motto on the post office always brings tears to my eyes, especially after a tough win on the shag carpet in Pittsburgh. But you can apply that motto to us, as well. And it won't cost you 41 cents."
An inspired Jaguars team comes out firing, and the Raiders from the "Black Hole" are smashed by the Jags from the "Jack Hole." Fred Taylor rushes for 118 yards and a score, and Maurice Jones-Drew returns a kickoff for a score, and pancakes a few blitzing linebackers. Jacksonville wins, 29-10.
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (-3)
Sure, Philly's 10-6 win over the Cowboys kept them alive in the playoff hunt, but can you really be impressed by a team whose highlight of the year is that of Bryan Westbrook tackling himself at the one-yard line, sacrificing personal glory for the sake of team goals, a display of unselfishness not seen since Reggie Bush autographed some checks for members of his family?
"Hey, I thought it was a brilliant play," says Andy Reid. "But let's give credit where credit is due. John Runyan made that call. Me? I was totally stunned. Speechless. Light-headed. Much like how I felt when I had my first Whopper freak-out. Luckily, it was just a trick. Burger King is not discontinuing the Whopper. It's a good thing, too. I was ready to get in my car and run down the King myself."
With a win Sunday and a Vikings loss to Washington, New Orleans would take tentative hold of the No. 6 playoff seed. Westbrook won't voluntarily hit the turf at the one-yard line this time. Eagles win, 28-26.
Atlanta @ Arizona (-10½)
The post-Bobby Petrino era began in Atlanta with apocalyptic repercussions — the Falcons apparently don't really want to play for anyone. In their 37-3 loss to the Buccaneers, Atlanta produced only five first downs and 133 yards of total offense, the kind of docile submission that one former Falcon was not fond of seeing. In addition, four Falcons were fined for displaying "Free Mike Vick" shirts under their uniforms in the Falcons loss to the Saints. It's this culture of lawlessness that owner Arthur Blank will have to abolish when he searches for a new coach, again, this offseason.
"Godspeed to you in that endeavor," says Kurt Warner. "I think Blank will be the first owner to employ a lie detector when he interviews applicants. But the Falcons needs aren't limited to just a coach. They need a quarterback, a kicker whose age does not exceed his range, and players who aren't blindly supportive of a teammate who's in jail for felonious behavior. I'm a man of the cloth, and I'm not one to pass judgment, but tell me. Was Bobby Petrino criticized more for simply breaking his word and accepting the job at Arkansas than Vick was for executing dogs?
"Okay, maybe that's overstating, but I didn't hear a single person, player, analyst, announcer, or otherwise, give Petrino any type of support whatsoever. Who's to say Petrino won't learn from his mistakes, and emerge from this a better man, as so many people have said about Vick? Vick's behavior was reprehensible; Petrino's was just irresponsible. But Petrino's not a dog killer; he's simply a jerk who won't be able to recruit any talent at Arkansas. He'll resign in 18 months and become quarterbacks coach for the Sioux City Barnburners of the semi-pro Iowa Cornfield League. As for a new coach, Arthur Blank, I think the Fathead spokesman would make a great one. Now, if you'd all join me in a Christmas song dedicated to Vick, 'O Come All Ye Faithful.' And pay special attention to the lyric 'O come let us abhor him.' On a side note: the NFL has approved t-shirts of support for Vick. However, they must read 'Free Mike Vick (in 23 Months).'"
Warner throws for three touchdowns, and the Cardinals roll, 34-16.
Baltimore @ Seattle (-10)
Last week wasn't a particularly good day for birds in the NFL, as the avian contingent went a combined 1-4, with the Eagles the only winner. Fittingly, all the others laid eggs, including the Ravens and Seahawks.
"You might think the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is how I still have a job," says Brian Billick. "No, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Keyser Soze didn't exist. One day, I'll wake up, and poof. Just like that, I'll be gone. At least, if 90% of Baltimore had it's way. Apparently, though, our owner Steve Bisciotti is in the minority. He's told me I'll be back in 2008, although he's going beyond his duties as an owner and shopping me around to college teams. So far, no takers. Hey, if Bobby Bowden hasn't been fired, then no coach should be."
Right now, the Seahawks hold the No. 3 seed in the NFC based on their head-to-head win over Tampa Bay. Knowing whether Dallas or Green Bay will be the No. 1 seed would certainly help them decide if they want to keep that No. 3 seed.
Seattle wins, 27-10.
NY Jets @ Tennessee (-9)
Fans at Jets home games can get a little rowdy, what with the synchronized chantings for ladies to raise their Chad Pennington jerseys and show their hooters, which is normally more manhood than Pennington himself can display. But fans at Tennessee's LP Field have their own ritual, gathering on the railing of the outer concourse and urging women to "show their teeth." Then, if the number of teeth is higher than Vince Young's Wonderlic scores, then those women are asked to show their Titans.
"Hey, I resent the stereotype that citizens of this state lack dental hygiene," says Jeff Fisher. "And I resent even more the insinuation that citizens of this state are in any way partial to women with large breasts and multiple teeth. I'm all for 'toothless expression' in the crowd just as much as I am for 'ruthless aggression' on the field. Anyway, the Titans support dental hygiene. Running back LenDale White sponsors the 'Brush Your Teeth After Every Meal' program for elementary students in Nashville. Cavities are down 45%, and LenDale's brushing his teeth nine to ten times a day."
The Jets' 20-10 loss was a moral victory, but is the momentum from that game enough to guarantee a win over the Titans. Not to most people, but to Hall of Fame Jet Joe Namath, armed with his newly-received diploma from the University of Alabama, guarantees are made to be backed up.
"I guarantee," says the 43rd-year Tuscaloosa senior, "that somebody on one of these two sidelines is getting a kiss."
Namath then flips the tassle on his mortarboard and lays a wet one on Chad Pennington, who gets that weak-in-the-knees feeling, which goes nicely with his weak-in-the-right-arm feeling.
Titans win, 26-14.
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco (+7)
Have the 49ers found their quarterback of the future in third-stringer Sean Hill, who led San Francisco to a 20-13 win over the Bengals last week, throwing for 197 yards and a score and rushing for another touchdown?
"More importantly," says John "Krush" Gruden, "Hill didn't get called out by Mike Nolan as a pansy. It's not good coaching to call out a player like that. And it's not good playing to actually be a pansy. But we'll be ready for the 49ers and their low-powered attack. They're only averaging 13.6 points per game. 13.6 is catastrophic on the Richter Scale, but in the NFL's offensive points per game rankings, it's anything but earth-shaking. In the battle of the Bays, we're going to dine at Monster Park al 'Frisco, outdoors on natural grass. Hopefully, we can maintain our No. 1 spot in next week's 'Team You Don't Want to Play in the Playoffs' rankings."
Buccaneers win, 24-9.
Washington @ Minnesota (-6½)
The quarterback play of Todd Collins has given Redskin Nation a renewed hope for a playoff berth, and Washington could take a monstrous step in that direction with a win over the Vikes, who currently have what Washington wants, the final wild card spot. The play of Collins, who has led the 'Skins to two-straight victories, has even impressed some Redskins of old, including running back John Riggins.
"If only his name were 'Tom' instead of 'Todd,'" says Riggins, "then my favorite drink and my favorite quarterback would have the same name. Don't ask me what I was thinking when I named my son 'Laser Beam Riggins,' or my dog 'Rex On the Beach.'"
Hey kids, if you need a hero, look no further than Riggins, the only Super Bowl MVP to have flirted with a Supreme Court justice and passed out under a table at a Washington Press Club dinner. And we think Pacman Jones is a bad influence.
With their Monday night win over the Bears, the Vikes eliminated four teams from playoff contention (the Bears, Lions, Eagles, and Cardinals). Quarterback Tarvaris Jackson threw three interceptions, but he was constantly bailed out by the Viking defense, which held the Bears to only 209 total yards.
"We did a lot of bailing," says defensive tackle Pat Williams. "Almost as much as we did when somebody jammed a portable stripper pole clear through the hull of the boat on our infamous sex cruise. If not for the quick action of the bucket brigade, and some serious pumping and suction, that boat would have gone down like the rest of us."
Washington wins, 22-20.
Denver @ San Diego (-9)
In Week 9, the Lions blasted the Broncos 44-7. Last week, the Chargers smoked the Lions 51-14. Does that mean Broncos are facing a blowout?
"No, not at all," says Mike Shanahan. "The Lions just plain suck. We just plain suck at random. So, I have no idea what kind of effort we'll put forth on Christmas Eve. By the time all the little children on the East Coast are tucked away, with visions of sugarplums and HGH dancing in their heads, we could be up by three, or down by 28. I can't tell you which. I do know that we'll need to stop LaDainian Tomlinson."
And how do you propose to do that?
"Well, there's one way to get into the head of Ladainian Tomlinson," says Shanahan.
With a 9/16" drill bit?
"No."
Force him to decipher play calls made in the voices of Busta Rhymes and Lil' John?
"No."
Then what?
"Constant reminders that Philip Rivers is his quarterback and Norv Turner is his coach."
Yep. That could be a problem come playoff time. But on Christmas Eve, with Qualcomm Stadium full of cheer and good tidings, and with reindeer droppings adorning the night sky, Tomlinson carries the Chargers to a 28-14 win.
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