John Madden was talking about Steelers guard Alan Faneca on Sunday night, and he called him "a taker." In other words, if Madden were building a team from scratch, he would take Faneca.
(Actually, Madden might have been talking about Hines Ward since he loves him so much. I'm not sure.)
Anyway, it got me thinking: if I had to coach a football team with my life depending on the outcome, who would I want on it? No salary cap. No contracts. Just 60 minutes of football and a gun to my head. Call it the "All-Please-Win-So-I-Don't-Die Team."
On offense, I'm playing a three WR, one TE, one RB formation the entire game. On defense, I had to go with a 4-3.
Offense
QB: Tom Brady, New England — Ask Brian Billick who he would choose.
RB: Adrian Peterson, Minnesota — If the game's in poor weather, I need a workhorse who can put the team on his back. I've seen LaDainian Tomlinson shut down too many times this year. Peterson is the most consistent defense-killer in the league right now.
TE: Kellen Winslow, Jr., Cleveland — One of the top-five most enjoyable players to watch play in the NFL.
Outside WR 1: Andre Johnson, Houston — Great hands; great speed; Reggie Wayne would have been the pick two months ago, but he's been dropping some big passes lately. Randy Moss and Terrell Owens are more explosive, but I wouldn't bet my life on their attention spans.
Slot WR: Hines Ward, Pittsburgh — Toughest omission on the team was Wes Welker. Ward gets the nod with physicality, experience, and leadership. Donald Driver also deserves mention.
Outside WR 2: Steve Smith, Carolina — Toughest guy at the position; need at least one guy on the team with bordering-on-insanity competitive fire.
LT: Walter Jones, Seattle — Great in the run or pass game; I am afraid he'll hold out, though. Just in case, San Diego's Marcus McNeill is on stand-by.
LG: Steve Hutchinson, Minnesota — Best in the league.
C: Jeff Saturday, Indianapolis — Great technique; Great at making the line calls to set the protection.
RG: Logan Mankins, New England — The one and only time I'm switching a guy's position. Mankins played both RT and LT at Fresno State, so I don't feel bad moving him from LG to RG for these purposes.
RT: Jon Runyan, Philadelphia — He's big, powerful, durable, and has a quality mean streak. A bit past his prime, but a hell of a competitor. Last year, it would have been New Orleans' Jammal Brown, but he's been playing LT this year and I didn't want to make another exception.
Defense
LDE: Aaron Kampman, Green Bay — Aaron Schobel from the Bills is high on the call sheet, but Kampman has been nearly unstoppable so far.
LDT: Jamal Williams, San Diego — As dominant a run-stuffer as there is in the league. Has to be double-teamed every play; even if he does get knocked off the line of scrimmage, the guard-center aren't going to be able to get to the linebackers. I'd have to see Albert Haynesworth play like he has this year in a non-contract year to put my life in his hands.
RDT: Kelly Gregg, Baltimore — Go ahead. Try to run the ball inside with Williams and Gregg in the middle of my line. I dare you.
RDE: Jared Allen, Kansas City — A machine off the corner.
LOLB: Mike Vrabel, New England — Smart; gets to the ball; yackles well; can play TE in a pinch.
MLB: DeMeco Ryans, Houston — I went back and forth between Ryans and Brian Urlacher. In the end, I wanted to infuse a little youth in the defense.
ROLB: Donnie Edwards, Kansas City — A glue guy; you want to know how the KC defense got so much better this year and the Chargers got worse? Edwards is the answer. In a game of this magnitude, you need somebody who's always going to be in the right place.
LCB: Asante Samuel, New England — Great instincts; almost never gets beat; really good tackler.
FS: Ed Reed, Baltimore — Can cover like a corner, hit like a linebacker. Plus, he can return kicks if needed.
SS: Adrian Wilson, Arizona — A play-maker; If he can't come back from surgery in time for the game, Bob Sanders gets the call.
RCB: Leigh Bodden, Cleveland — Maybe not the greatest lock-down cover corner, but has a great ability to make a big play. With Samuel on the other side, I can shift Reed over to Bodden's side, freeing Bodden to cut underneath the routes.
Special Teams
K: Adam Vinatieri, Indianapolis — Hasn't been the same since he left Foxborough, but if I'm betting my life on a game and it comes down to a kick, A.V. is the guy I want kicking it. Plus, I named my son after the guy, so I kind of have to pick him.
P: Shane Lechler, Oakland — A lot of good ones, but Lechler's been the best for a while.
KR/PR: Devin Hester, Chicago — Easiest pick on the board.
So there it is. My team if my life depended on it. And I had more fun making up that list than I did watching sports this weekend. (It really was an ugly weekend.)
***
Playoff picture:
AFC:
1. New England (11-0; AFC East)
2. Indianapolis (10-2; AFC South)
3. Pittsburgh (9-3; AFC North)
4. San Diego (7-5; AFC West)
5. Jacksonville (8-4)
6. Cleveland (7-5; Better conference record than Titans)
7. Tennessee (7-5)
8. Buffalo (6-6)
9. Denver (5-7; Better conference record than Texans; the two play in Week 15)
10. Houston (5-7)
NFC:
1. Dallas (11-1; NFC East)
2. Green Bay (10-2; NFC North)
3. Seattle (8-4; NFC West; won head-to-head over Tampa Bay in Week 1)
4. Tampa Bay (8-4; NFC South)
5. NY Giants (8-4)
6. Arizona (6-6; Based on head-to-head win over Detroit)
7. Detroit (6-6; Based on a better division record than Minnesota)
8. Minnesota (6-6; Buy! Buy! Buy!)
9. Carolina (5-7; Based on 5-4 conference record)
10. New Orleans (5-7; 4-4 conference record is better than any of the other 5-7 teams)
Current top five picks in the draft:
1. Miami (0-12)
2. San Francisco (3-9; .472 strength of schedule; pick owned by New England)
3. NY Jets (3-9; .486 strength of schedule)
4. St. Louis (3-9; .493 strength of schedule)
5. Atlanta (3-9; .507 strength of schedule)
And now Week 13:
Dallas 37, Green Bay 27: By far the best game, but it's been almost a week so Dallas has already been fluffed to the hilt. With that in mind, five positives for the Packers (not counting the fact Brett Favre's injury doesn't appear to be too serious):
1. They have their new Ahman Green in Ryan Grant, and his extension (which they're already working on if they're smart) should be very palatable. Brandon Jackson can develop into a quality second guy, which every team has to have, and you don't need to draft a running back for at least three years.
2. The "What the hell are we going to do after Favre?" panic will be a little less severe after seeing Aaron Rodgers come in and handle himself extremely well in a tough environment. His performance has to make the coaches, fans, and front office feel better.
3. Mark Tauscher gave a gutty performance on a pretty bad ankle. Great character to have on your offensive line.
4. On offense, Greg Jennings is only 24, James Jones is 23, Donald Lee is 27, Grant is 24, Rodgers is 23, and Jackson is 22. On defense, A.J. Hawk is 23, Cullen Jenkins and Nick Barnett are 26, and Ryan Pickett and Aaron Kampman are 28. Kicker Mason Crosby is 23. Head coach Mike McCarthy just turned 44.
(In other words, don't expect a downturn any time soon.)
5. Donald Driver is 32, but plays like he's 25. He's top 10 in the NFL right now easy.
Fantasy Impact: There were two rookie kickers in the biggest game in the NFC this year, and it wasn't even a story. Dallas' Nick Folk hit all three of his FG attempts, with a long of 51, and Crosby hit both of his attempts, including a high-pressure 52-yarder that kept the Packers in the game late. I don't think Bryant Gumbel and Cris Collinsworth even mentioned both teams had rookie kickers.
As an aside, it makes you wonder why the Chiefs drafted Justin Medlock in the fifth round instead of Folk and Crosby, who both went in the sixth. Medlock ended up on the practice squad after losing the job to Dave Reyner (who lost his job with Green Bay to Crosby). And now that Reyner is out for the Chiefs (cut last Tuesday as suggested), Medlock still isn't getting the job. They signed 43-year-old John Carney instead. (Carney hit his only attempt, from 38, in this game.)
San Diego 24, Kansas City 10: Since the Chiefs play in the border city in the Kansas/Missouri Border War, I'll use this game for my rant on college football:
More than any other sport, college football, and specifically the bowl system, puts money over competitive legitimacy. Could you ever imagine another sport picking its postseason matchups based on ratings and the team's history of traveling well? ("Sure, the Nets had a better record, but let's have the Heat in the playoffs instead. Shaq and Wade will get a bigger number.") This is better than an eight-game playoff?
Look. Look how cool it could have been:
Everybody gets a week off this week, then play the following three weeks, with a championship double-header (consolation game, title game on New Year's Day). Auto bids to the six BCS conferences, plus two at-large, which I'm giving to Hawaii because they're undefeated, and Georgia because they're the best of the two-loss teams and on a hot streak, an NCAA tournament selection criteria. (Mizzou doesn't get in because they choked against the Sooners. KU doesn't get in because only 10 teams in all of Division I played a weaker schedule.)
1. Ohio State vs. 8. Hawaii (Tremendous upset possibility)
2. LSU vs. 7. USC (Everybody's pick for the title game back in August)
3. Virginia Tech vs. 6. West Virginia (Great defense-offense battle)
4. Oklahoma vs. 5 Georgia (Two legacy powerhouses with great fan bases)
If seeding held, we'd have Ohio State vs. Oklahoma and LSU vs. Virginia Tech in the semis. Then, if Ohio State and LSU won, we'd have a legit title game.
As it is now, it's just a big commercial with a paper champion. Booooooooooooooo!
(I knew this is how it was going to end, and I'm still infuriated.)
Fantasy Impact: It's ironic Philip Rivers plays exactly like Eli Manning.
Seattle 28, Philadelphia 24: Huge win for the Seahawks on the road. Now they carry a two-game lead into what should be a division-clinching showdown with the Cardinals this weekend.
Fantasy Impact: I guess we can go ahead and table the A.J. Feeley/Donovan McNabb debate. At least it happened early enough so that the front office didn't start making decisions based on the belief Feeley could actually be a consistent NFL starting QB. On the other hand, it's going to be a lot tougher to pilfer a high-round draft choice for him now. (Eh, Dolphins fans?)
Also, if I was going to include two running backs on the "All-Please-Win-So-I-Don't-Die Team," Brian Westbrook (139 total yards and a TD) would have been my No. 2.
Buffalo 17, Washington 16: Two notes:
1. If ever you needed proof God doesn't care about who wins a football game, you have this one.
2. If the Bills make the playoffs, Dick Jauron should be the unanimous selection for coach of the year.
Fantasy Impact: Nobody mentioned it because of the Sean Taylor-focused coverage (obviously), but Fred Jackson, a second-year back from Coe College who spent last year on the Bills' practice squad, led Buffalo in rushing (16 for 82) and receiving (4 for 69).
New England 27, Baltimore 24: My five favorite things about this game:
1. The Kevin Faulk strip of Ed Reed after Reed returned Brady's lone interception to the Pats' 27 with a minute left in the first half. It was at least a three-point play by Faulk.
2. Brady's 12-yard scramble from the Ravens' 45 on fourth-and-six on the game-winning drive.
3. Rodney Harrison making the stop on Willis McGahee on a pass to the flat on third and two. A first down there and the Ravens take at least another two minutes off the clock and burn New England's remaining timeouts. Defensive play of the game.
4. Harrison taunting Brian Billick.
5. In the end, you can always count on bad quarterbacks turning into bad quarterbacks. Just like Feeley in Week 12, Kyle Boller reverted to his old self for just one play. And it saved the Pats from certain defeat.
With all that said, New England almost lost to an inferior team for the second week in a row. A performance like that against the Steelers and it's 12-1.
Also, you have to feel at least a little sorry for the Ravens. That timeout just about tore their guts out and now they somehow have to pick themselves up off the ground to defend against Peyton Manning and the Colts.
Fantasy Impact: No matter who you were rooting for, you had to appreciate Willis McGahee's fire last night. He ran possessed. Not to turn that into a negative, but if he played like that all the time, the Ravens would be a better team.
Indianapolis 28, Jacksonville 25: A critical AFC South matchup lost in the shuffle, the Jags just about pulled it out. They out-gained the Colts 411-342, out-rushed Indy by more than 100 yards, and had a 10-minute time of possession advantage. But the Colts converted on 10-of-13 third-down attempts and scored on four of their seven non-kneel-down possessions.
Fantasy Impact: It got called back because of offensive pass interference, but Manning did hit rookie WR Anthony Gonzalez for a touchdown. I've got a feeling Gonzalez is going to have a break-out game in the next three weeks (at Baltimore, at Oakland, Houston).
Minnesota 42, Detroit 10: The Vikings may be only 6-6 and on the outside-looking-in for the playoffs, but is there an NFC team outside of Dallas or Green Bay you would pick over Minnesota right now? That's a rushing game made to dominate in December and January. With a schedule of San Francisco (road), Chicago, Washington, and Denver (road), here's calling for a 10-6 final record, sixth seed in the NFC, and a wild card matchup at Seattle (the return of Steve Hutchinson).
Fantasy Impact: Detroit WR Roy Williams is out for the year, which may open the door for a Calvin Johnson surge at the end. It also likely ensures Shaun McDonald will remain relevant through the rest of the season.
Tampa Bay 27, New Orleans 23: The 2007 New Orleans Saints:
Saints tackle Luke McCown for a safety. 23-20, New Orleans. Saints get the ball on their own 49 after a 31-yard free kick.
Aaron Stecker for no gain.
Reggie Bush for -12 and a fumble recovered by Tampa.
Bucs drive for the game-winning touchdown.
Tampa Bay: 8-4
New Orleans: 5-7
Fantasy Impact: If anybody drafts Bush in the first seven rounds of your fantasy draft next year, mock them mercilessly. I'm not kidding. Make them cry.
Arizona 27, Cleveland 21: The key for the Cardinals was keeping Kellen Winslow in check with only 3 catches for 35 yards. With a tough game at Seattle this Sunday, this win puts them in position to rebound and still get a wild card even if they lose. Otherwise, a loss at Seattle would have knocked them out of the race. Their final three are at New Orleans, then Atlanta and St. Louis at home.
Fantasy Impact: Unfortunately for the Cards, their future may be clouded by the prolonged absence of their top two receivers, Larry Fitzgerald, who missed this one with a groin injury, and Anquan Boldin, who dislocated a toe in the third quarter (ouch). That would definitely downgrade Kurt Warner's fantasy value, though it might be good news for Leonard Pope owners.
Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 10: Marvin Lewis just looks lost out there. Luckily for him, the Bengals get three of the five worst teams in the NFL (St. Louis, the Jets, and Miami) in their last four. Win all three, Lewis maybe saves his job. Lose any of those three, and he has to go.
Fantasy Impact: Speaking of going, where have you gone, Willie Parker?
Oakland 34, Denver 20: The Broncos are pathetic. I'm angry just thinking about the time I spent watching this game. Absolutely pathetic.
Fantasy Impact: It's time I give Justin Fargas his due. It's not like he was facing a re-incarnation of the Orange Crush, but his 34 carries for 146 yards and a TD was one of the more dominant rushing performances of the year by a guy not named Adrian Peterson.
Also, hooray for the McCown family. Josh gets the win here and brother Luke gets the W with Tampa in New Orleans. That's how bad this week was.
Also also, I'm swearing off all Denver Broncos from my fantasy teams for the rest of the Shanahan era. I just can't take it any more.
St. Louis 28, Atlanta 17: You know the Falcons are taking Brian Brohm. As for the Rams, Virginia DE Chris Long would be perfect in a rotation with Leonard Little and James Hall.
Fantasy Impact: Roddy White (10 receptions for 146 yards and a TD) has developed into a top-line receiver. With another 33 yards, he will have more yards this year (953) than he did in his first two years combined (952). He's already achieved that status with receptions (62 this year, 59 the past two) and touchdowns (4 this year, 3 the past two).
Tennessee 28, Houston 20: Even if the Titans make the playoffs, I don't see them beating anybody.
Fantasy Impact: Andre Johnson is the man (9 catches for 116 yards and a TD).
NY Giants 21, Chicago 16: Eli Manning. Rex Grossman. You expected something other than this ugly bastard of a game? (13 punts, 4 Giants turnovers, 8 sacks, 10 penalties by the Bears, combined 11-of-32 on third down.)
Fantasy Impact: With Derrick Ward possibly out for the year with a broken leg and Brandon Jacobs suffering from a bad hamstring, Reuben Droughns might finally get his 25-carry day against the Eagles.
Carolina 31, San Francisco 14: It's got to suck for 49ers fans watching Joe Staley struggle, knowing they gave up a top-five draft pick this year to pick him at 28 last April. There's only one good thing to come out of a horrible season, and it's the draft pick that comes with it. To not even have that is double torture.
Fantasy Impact: The 49ers gave up 166 rushing yards. They now host the Vikings.
NY Jets 40, Miami 13: The Dolphins' remaining four: @Buffalo, Baltimore, @New England, Cincinnati. 'Fins/Bengals could be the most interesting regular season finale featuring two horrible teams in the history of the NFL.
Also, to heck with Don Shula. Could he have showed any less class in the MNF booth? Seriously, man. You didn't see Hank Aaron in the ESPN booth rooting for Barry Bonds to strike out, did you? Damn, that made me mad.
Fantasy Impact: It took three months, but Leon Washington finally broke double digits in rushing attempts with 10 for 68 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Seth Doria is a writer based out of St. Louis. For the only daily column that mixes sports, politics and entertainment news in one, visit The Left Calf.
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