Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ Cincinnati (-3)
The Cardinals head to "The Jungle" to face the Bengals, who shut down the Ravens 21-7 while showing the ferocity of a feline not seen in the States since Roy Horn got slapped around by a white tiger in Las Vegas. Thankfully, Horn survived to wear a sequined jumpsuit again, and the Ravens will survive to score a meaningless late touchdown against a sorry defense again. The Bengals hope home-field advantage will help them overcome the up-and-coming Cardinals, who beat the Lions 31-21.
"Welcome to the jungle, they've got sin and crime," says Kurt Warner. "When there's no defense in town, they're all doing time. It's often against my religious beliefs to quote Guns 'N Roses songs, but I figure a descent into Hell is an appropriate occasion to do so. Speaking of 'Guns 'N Roses,' I think that's a crime Chris Henry has been charged with. Here's a little piece of scripture for Chris to live by: 'Beer after Kobra, never sober.' That's from Courvoisiers 3:16. Look it up. Furthermore, when will G 'N R's Chinese Democracy album be released, so I can add that to my 'to burn' list, along with Ozzy Osborne, Marilyn Manson, and The Teletubbies Christmas in the Tubbytronic Superdome, among others? And, how the Christ to those Bengals get a helmet on over their horns? Lord knows. They're deviant. I'm divine."
Cincy has yet to put together a two-game winning streak this year. A win over the Cards would give them two in a row. Holding the punchless Ravens offense to seven points is nothing. Arizona has weapons, including the "Christian Right" arm of Warner. But the Cardinals have had trouble on the road, losing four of five. The Bengals get 21 points the easy way, with touchdowns, and Shayne Graham adds three field goals. Cincinnati wins, 30-28.
Carolina @ Green Bay (-9½)
Brett Favre reached another milestone last week, joining Dan Marino as the only quarterbacks to throw for 60,000 yards in a career. Meanwhile, in Charlotte, Vinny Testaverde reached an impressive milestone of his own. He remained alive after turning 44-years-old on Tuesday.
"What Vinny does is amazing," says Favre. "He's so good, he sets records without leaving the comfort of his own wheelchair. He's gone from 'ageless wonder' to 'wonderless ager' in the span of one week. Gosh, when I'm 44, I really hope there's a place for me on some team. I figure in six years, the Panthers will still be looking for a quarterback."
The Packers will try not to look past the Panthers in anticipation of Green Bay's Thanksgiving Day matchup against the Lions in Detroit. Carolina will try to confuse Favre with disguised coverages and blitzes up the middle. Or they may just try to confuse him by playing three quarterbacks in one game. That's surely something he's never seen. And Testaverde should know that Green Bay is no country for old men. Packers win, 27-10.
Cleveland @ Baltimore (+ 2½)
The Browns called Cleveland home until Art Modell packed up the team and moved them to Baltimore. When the NFL awarded Cleveland a new franchise in 1999, the Browns were reborn. Now, Cleveland faces Baltimore in a game that means everything to the Browns, and very little to the struggling Ravens.
"I guess it will be like playing with ourselves," says right-hander Derek Anderson, who's tossed the Browns into the thick of the AFC wild card race with his quarterback play. "Although Pittsburgh beat us, I think we proved that we're for real. We belong. Whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better, we belong. And we'll certainly hit the Ravens with our best shot, which was more than enough for the TKO back in September. I know Ray Lewis may have something to say about that, but really, who listens to Ray anymore? We may not win the AFC North, but we'll be in the conversation when the wild card invitations are handed out."
The Ravens may be the NFL's most offensively-inept team, and have lately shown a penchant for getting shutout for most of the game, then tacking on a meaningless Willis McGahee touchdown run after the game has been decided, which is usually sometime midway through the second quarter. Last week, Baltimore turned the ball over six times and was down 21-0 before McGahee scored with under two minutes to go.
"Coach Billick is the master of the bird-brained offensive game plan," says McGahee. "Suddenly, Buffalo's not looking like such a bad city. If Anderson can quote Pat Benatar, then I can quote another 1980s rocking icon, Eddie Money, who looks like he played in the NFL for several years without a helmet. 'I wanna go back, and do it all over. But I can't go back, I know.' Calgon, take me away."
Hey, Willis. Just like Ronnie says, you're a little baby.
Steve McNair is listed as questionable to play Sunday. He's also listed as doubtful to play in Baltimore next year, and probable to be apart of Baltimore's "scratch and dent" sale at year's end. Cleveland completes the season sweep with a 27-19 win.
Kansas City @ Indianapolis (-14½)
The Chiefs and Colts will face-off in a rematch of their 2006 playoff game, which marked the first appearance of Indy's defense that year, and was the springboard to the Colts run to Super Bowl glory. Now, the Chiefs and Colts have matching two-game losing streaks, and the doubts are not about the Indy defense. Instead, the offense is a concern, after Peyton Manning threw six interceptions in a 23-21 loss to the Chargers.
"What? Me worry?" asks Manning. "Alfred E. Neuman's not the only one with 'mad skillz' around here. First of all, I'd like to apologize for throwing six interceptions. As if announcers and analysts needed another reason to say 'pick six' even more than they already do. That phrase sickens me, almost as much as hearing 'skill set,' or being on 'the same page,' or 'Tom Brady.' Anyway, everyone needs to stop worrying about the Colts. What's the big deal about losing to San Diego? We didn't exactly go into that game with intentions of winning, not without Marvin Harrison and Dallas Clark. It's our second loss. We can now sit back comfortably, let the Patriots chase history, let the Steelers chase the No. 2 seed, and coast into the playoffs well-rested. Sure, that leaves us as the No. 3 seed, so we wouldn't see the Pats until the AFC Championship Game.
"I'm not saying we lost that game on purpose, but how often does Adam Vinatieri miss two field goals, much less a 29-yarder for the win? Out of respect for Adam and his four Super Bowl rings, I refrained from calling him an 'idiot kicker.' I did, however, give him a Mike Vanderjagt jersey as a gentle reminder that if he misses those kicks when it counts, in the playoffs, he just might get sent packing to Canada. Incidentally, Adam went on the David Letterman Show a few days ago and nailed that same kick through an apartment window."
The Chiefs should pose no threat to the Colts. Larry Johnson is out and Brody Croyle is in. The opposite would be much more advantageous to the Chiefs. Joseph Addai rushes for 134 yards, and Manning cuts his interceptions by six. Colts win, 27-10.
Miami @ Philadelphia (-10)
The Dolphins are a team that needs a quarterback, and Donovan McNabb is a quarterback that needs a team. Oh, everything's all fine and well when the Eagles win and McNabb throws four touchdown passes, but as soon as they lose, down comes the hammer on McNabb.
"Would I play in Miami?" asks McNabb. "You bet. Dolphins Stadium has real grass, which would be a lot easier on my surgically-repaired knee. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side, and it's also greener in the spot where I've yakked. But, I'm not focused on next year. I'm focused on this season, and more particularly, the Dolphins. Coach Reid has put his personal issues behind him, and is intent on chasing Dolphins instead of dragons."
The Dolphins bullpen fell apart last Sunday, blowing a 3-2 lead to Buffalo and eventually losing 13-10 to fall to 0-9. Cam Cameron is contemplating a change at quarterback.
"Yeah, I'm thinking of not starting one at all," says Cameron. "When your choices are Cleo Lemon, or a rookie, John Beck, who, by the way, is a loser, baby, then you really have to think long and hard about it. I'd really like some input from Don Shula, but he's too busy crapping asterisks to be concerned with his old team. If those 1972 Dolphins showed the same passion towards us getting a win as they do towards the Patriots losing, then we'd be undefeated."
The Dolphins will probably be a part of the McNabb bidding war at season's end, so it's in McNabb's best interests to impress. He does, with three touchdown passes. Eagles win, 24-9.
New Orleans @ Houston (+1)
With a chance to move into a tie in the NFC South with a win, the Saints fell behind 34-7 before eventually losing to the previously winless Rams, 37-29. Still, New Orleans is only one game back of the Buccaneers and desperately need a win before a run of three consecutive division games.
"Reggie Bush always takes this matchup personally," says Sean Payton. "In 2006, he was overlooked for the No. 1 pick in the draft by the Texans for Mario Williams. Houston's still paying the price for that pick, and we're still reaping the benefits of Reggie, which, in turn, means his family members are well taken care of."
"I guess I am a little jealous of Reggie," says Williams. "Even my relatives say they wish they were related to Reggie. That way, they could say they were related to an NFL star. But I consider myself a star here in Houston. I break bread with Texas' finest, including President Bush, Lance Armstrong, Yao Ming, Matthew McConaughey, and Terry Funk. What do all those men have in common? Yeah, that's right. They've all lost 'I Quit' matches to Ric Flair. And I know all those guys. Who does Reggie know? I know he only runs in celebrity circles with A-list stars, such as Subway spokes-nerd Jared Fogle. Okay, so I guess I'm jealous of Reggie in that respect, too."
The Saints and Texans both are 4-5. The difference? 4-5 gets you one game out of first in the NFC South. It gets you nowhere in the AFC South. The Texans get wide receiver Andre Johnson back from a knee injury, but quarterback Matt Schaub is still a little banged up. Bush scores twice, and tosses cash into the Reliant Field crowd, showing extreme generosity by allowing anyone related to him to keep it. Saints win, 24-20.
Oakland @ Minnesota (-5½)
The Raiders are breathing a sigh of relief, having found out that Minnesota's Adrian Peterson will miss this game due to a tear in a knee ligament suffered in the Vikings 34-0 loss to Green Bay. There also happy about leaving the stench of the Black Hole, where the Raiders have lost three-straight home games, and Darth Vader no longer intimidates, although he can still use his incredible mind power to squeeze toothpaste out of the tube. Now, the Raiders invade the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome looking for their first win since a Week 4 win over the Dolphins.
"With Peterson out, we can now focus on stopping Minnesota's main offensive weapon," says Raider cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha, who lists his heroes as Lester Hayes, Ken Houston, Deion Sanders, and Afrika Bambaataa. "That weapon would be offensive guard Steve Hutchinson. Besides Peterson, Hutchinson has the best footwork on the team. Before his knee injury, Peterson was harder to catch than Jason Bourne. Hutchinson is shifty in a different way, kind of like Austin Powers. With double-teams, I think we can neutralize Hutchinson."
Josh McCown started against the Bears last week, and was largely ineffective. He'll probably be on the bench this week shedding tears of a McCown, meaning either Daunte Culpepper or No. 1 pick JaMarcus Russell gets the start. Lane Kiffin is feeling pressure from Raider owner Al Davis, who's constantly trying to influence Kiffin's decisions.
"I don't mind Al's input," says Kiffin. "I don't even mind him hovering over my shoulder. But the scythe and the black robe? That's just overkill. What? That's not Al? He's looking for Al? Well, I've got news for the Reaper. Al's not afraid of you. But hang around for a while. You could be the next Raider coach. You're a great judge of talent, and I know you'll be great when it's time for roster cuts."
Vikings win, 17-14.
Pittsburgh @ NY Jets (+9½)
It looks like the Steelers are in a dogfight for the AFC's No. 2 seed with the Colts, who lost their second in a row to fall to 7-2, a record shared with Pittsburgh. The Steelers won't let a date with the Jets in the Meadowlands stand in their way of their fourth-straight win, and Mike Tomlin won't let another Bill Belichick disciple stand in his way of world domination. Tomlin and the Steelers vanquished Romeo Crenel and the Browns last week. This week, Eric Mangini and the Jets host the hot Steelers.
"I've got the former Belichick assistants figured out," says Tomlin. "There's Charlie Weiss at Notre Dame. And you've got Mangini here in New York. There teams are a collective 2-17. What's the common denominator, besides losing? I'll tell you what it is. It's weight loss. Both those guys were fat slobs last year, and their teams were successful. Notre Dame made a bowl game, and the Jets made the playoffs. Then, Weiss and Mangini started to lose weight for some reason, maybe because their hearts would have exploded otherwise. Once the weight came off, they were left with nothing except extra chins and losing streaks. On the other hand, Crenel has stayed true to himself and maintained a 'refuse to lose' attitude. He practically looks just like he did 20 years ago as the 'Human Beat Box' in the Fat Boys rap team. He's remained hungry, and the Browns are feeding him with effort and three squares a day. So, unless Mangini's beefed up over the last two weeks, he's mine for the taking."
The Jets have one thing going for them — a bye week. That gave kick returner Leon Washington plenty of rest, and the Jets will sorely need his services, since he is probably their only hope of scoring against the Steelers. Roethlisberger passes for 224 yards and two touchdowns. Pittsburgh wins, 24-7.
San Diego @ Jacksonville (-3)
Both the Chargers and Jaguars picked up huge conference wins last week. San Diego, despite the lack of an offense, held on to beat the Colts, 23-21, while the Jags avenged an earlier loss to the Titans with a 28-13 win in Tennessee. Norv Turner and Jack Del Rio bring different coaching styles to the contest. Turner likes offense; Del Rio is a defensive guy. If the two met in a dark alley, they'd probably talk football. However, if a disagreement arose, Del Rio would probably physically overpower Turner, although Turner historically has shown ninja-like quickness and precision in tossing a laminated play-sheet frisbee-like with enough power to decapitate a human.
"I don't fear Jack Del Rio," says Turner. "I've always been down with new jack hustlers, and I'm sure Jack's cool with trick 'Turner's.' But I've always made it a point to be very wary of any man that drives a 1977 El Camino with mag wheels. I do, however, fear San Diego general manager A.J. Smith. If he fired a coach who was 13-3, I can only imagine what he has in store for me. But I'll say this. I got this team right were they were at this point last year — in first place. That should at least ensure my job until we lose to the No. 5-seeded wild card team, which could very well be these Jaguars. But, as long as Darren Sproles is returning punts and kickoff for scores, and Antonio Cromartie is returning interceptions for scores, and Philip Rivers remains invisible, we should be okay."
The Jags forced Vince Young to beat them last week; he couldn't. This Sunday, they'll make Rivers beat them. Jacksonville shuts down LaDainian Tomlinson and wins, 23-21.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (+3)
John Gruden's always been a fan of the bye week, especially when the Bucs' two closest pursuers in the AFC South, the Panthers and Saints, lose.
"It's always nice when someone else does the work for you," says Gruden, cruising the Gulf of Mexico in his armored catamaran, looking for any sign of Somalian pirates, of which he has orders to shoot on sight. "Do you think we could have won Super Bowl XXXVII without Monte Kiffin's cover 2 defense? I don't either. That's why I hired the crusty old man in the first place. Sure, I know it's distracting in practice when Monte wears shorts, white sneakers, and garters to hold up his dark socks, but nobody's got the nerve to tell him. Anyway, it's all about results, and Monte gets results. Against Atlanta, the plan is simple: keep the Falcons from penetrating our 10-yard line, and you keep them out of Morten Anderson's field goal range."
Tampa wins, 23-13. Gruden rejects a congratulatory handshake from Bobby Petrino by yelling, "Get your Falcon hands off me."Washington @ Dallas (-10 1/2)
As the mastermind behind three Washington Super Bowls, Joe Gibbs can certainly match wits with the brains behind the Cowboys' 8-1 start, Wade Phillips. The problem arises when Gibbs has to match players. Gibbs has Jason Campbell at quarterback, who, while not flashy, is certainly adequate at the position. Phillips has possibly the NFL's most exciting QB, Tony Romo, whose improvisational skills on the field are matched only by those on the celebrity dating scene.
"Tony's what you call an 'omnivorous' dater," says Phillips. "He can go from an herbivore, like Carrie Underwood, to a carnivore, like Britney Spears, without missing a beat. Sure, I know Tony's not technically dating Britney, but he's a little apprehensive about making the jump to inter-species dating."
Indeed, Romo is as personable as Bugs Bunny, and he even knows how to get to Albuquerque.
The Cowboys also have the edge at wide receiver, where Terrell Owens lacks no confidence, as opposed to Santana Moss, who did something earlier in the year that Owens would never think of doing — quitting on his team. Okay, Owens has quit on two teams before, but come on, he's only played with three.
"I sure do love me some me," says Owens, waving a towel stenciled with the name "Goodell."
"Terrell loves him some he?" says Moss. "I don't think he quite realizes what he's saying, but when does he?"
The Owens/Romo relationship is a good one, because Romo recognizes that if he doesn't get T.O. his catches, he'll have to listen to Owens' mouth. Shouldn't that be motivation enough for any quarterback that plays with Owens? You would think.
Owens catches seven passes for 123 yards and a score, and Marion Barber III rushes for a score. Dallas wins, 26-14.
NY Giants @ Detroit (+2 1/2)
Despite losses last week to the Cowboys and Cardinals, respectively, the Giants and Lions are solidly in the playoff hunt with 6-3 records. So this game could very well decide the No. 5 seed in the NFC playoffs, or it could very well be the determining factor between the numbers 14 and 15 positions in next year's draft. You never know, especially with teams that just recently either rushed for negative 18 yards against the Cardinals, or gave up several big plays to lose to the Cowboys. Both teams gave up 31 points, which presents an issue that will haunt both teams in the playoffs.
"What? Losing?" says Detroit coach Rod Marinelli.
No, Rod. That would be defense. By the way, the name "Rod Marinelli" sounds familiar. Are you "Rod Marinelli, 1970s adult film star," or are you "Rod Marinelli, special teams standout for a Raiders team of the '70s."
"Neither," replies Marinelli. "I'm just a simple kind of man with a desire to bring a little discipline to the game. I want my players and coaches held accountable for mistakes on and off the field, like making foolish guarantees, for example. Is 10 wins attainable? Yes. The problem is we could win nine games, which would be considered a success, and still be viewed as a failure because we missed the guarantee. If you're going to guarantee something, make sure it's something you know will happen. Like, you could have guaranteed that we'd be playing on Thanksgiving, or that Matt Millen will still be president of the team, no matter what."
Tom Coughlin of the Giants has eased his authoritarian ways, mainly due to a visit to the doctor earlier this year, who said Coughlin would die a horrible death in 3-5 years if he didn't stop being such a hardhead.
"The words 'horrible death' really caught my attention," says Coughlin. "Being choked to death by Michael Strahan is not the way I want to leave this earth. So I changed my ways."
New York wins, 31-23. Eli Manning, despite his bad haircut, throws for two touchdowns, and the G-Men sack Jon Kitna five times.
St. Louis @ San Francisco
The 1-8 Rams suck. The 2-7 49ers suck. Together, they sucky-sucky, and, for the right price, they love you long time. I think the going rate is $10 dollars, which will get you any'ting you want, but as always, the price is negotiable. Oh, me so horny.
"What is this?" says Torry Holt. "2 Live Crew stars in Full Metal Jacket? I'd pay to see that, but not this game. We finally got that first win. Technically, we're still capable of making the Super Bowl, which would mark another first — Shannon Sharpe being right about anything. Remember, he picked us to make the Super Bowl in week 1. It's worth the price of free t.v. to see the odd looks Dan Marino and Phil Simms give Sharpe when Shannon 'analyzes.' We call it 'crazy talk.' But enough about that. How 'bout them Rams?"
Great, Torry. Beat the 49ers, and the Rams can match the accomplishments of every other team in the NFC West — a two-game winning streak. Seattle, Arizona, even the 49ers, have all accomplished that feat at some point this year. Heck, win six in a row, and you'll put yourselves in the playoff hunt. Win eight in a row, and you could take the division outright. All you have to do Sunday is outscore the 49ers. And that's way easier done than said.
St. Louis wins, 27-14.
Chicago @ Seattle (-5 1/2)
Rex Grossman's 59-yard touchdown pass to Bernard Berrian led the Bears back from a fourth-quarter deficit in Oakland, and Chicago eventually won, 17-6. It was Grossman's seventh fourth quarter comeback of his career, and first in which he threw the game-winning pass to the right team.
"Hold your applause, folks," says Grossman, "and let's give a hand to the NFL schedule-makers, who flexed their flex-scheduling muscle and bumped our game from the NBC Sunday night slot in favor of the New England/Buffalo game. A Bears/Seahawks tilt isn't fit for a national television audience, unless you get your kicks seeing Shaun Alexander in a skirt shaking his pom-poms on the Seattle sideline. I guess a game between the three-time Super Bowl-winning Patriots against the four-time Super Bowl-losing Bills packs more intrigue that a game between the last two Super Bowl losers, who by the way, are NFC teams. Do I see a pattern here?"
Seattle wins, 22-20. Grossman throws a late pick when he forces a deep throw instead of throwing the ball away into the stands, fearing that "'Seattle's 12th Man' would intercept it."
New England @ Buffalo (+15)
As the NFL's lone remaining undefeated team, the Patriots are surely aware that every opponent the rest of the way will be gunning to knock them off. They also should be aware that behind dark corners, trees, alleys, and the darkly-tinted windows of black sedans lurk members of the 1972 Dolphins.
"Yeah, those guys are easy to spot," says Tom Brady, reviewing film with Giselle on a flat screen monitor mounted on the ceiling above their waterbed filled with Dasani. "The giant egos are always a dead giveaway, as are their limps and their total non-resemblance to football players. I see those guys and I want to buy insurance. And Don Shula's comments have just added more fuel to Coach Belichick's fire."
"I'm a man of few words," says Belichick. "So, on those occasions when my words aren't enough to convey my true feelings, I turn to the men that have, over time, said the words that I've found difficult to express. Hall and Oates. Daryl. John. Take over, will you?"
"Thanks, coach," replies Hall. "This one goes out to all you haters. 'Your dis' is on my list. Your dis' is on my list. Your dis' is on my list. Another blowout's in sight.'"
We know Buffalo can get fired up for a big game. They came out swinging against the Cowboys, but blew it in the end. But that was Dallas. This is New England. The Pats certainly don't want to let a division rival ruin the fun of antagonizing the 1972 Dolphins, who have showered the Bills with gift basket upon gift basket.
"If the Patriots want an undefeated record," says J.P. Losman, they're gonna have to bust in here and seize it like O.J. Simpson."
With Marshawn Lynch possibly out, a miracle win for the Bills falls into the hands of Losman. And he's got very small hands, but big enough for one 80-yard bomb to Lee Evans. New England wins, 38-13.
Tennessee @ Denver (-2)
It's difficult for anyone to keep up with the Jones,' so how on Earth can we expect the NFL to keep up with the Henry's. Denver's Travis and Tennessee's Chris are both facing suspensions for violating the league's drug policy, although both swear on the April 20th issue of High Times magazine that they're clean. Drug tests don't lie. Sources within the league say their tests are nearly 100% accurate, and both Travis' and Chris' tests came up "Amy Winehouse."
"Are you positive?" asks the fidgety Mike Shanahan, who will face the calm and collected Jeff Fisher on Monday. "Travis swore to me he doesn't do drugs. I'll get to the bottom of this. Where's Roc Hoover?"
I'll tell you where he is. He's somewhere on the fictional setting of The Guiding Light, keeping tabs on the whereabouts and shenanigans of certain lusty housewives and philandering husbands. But he's not so busy that he can't take a look into the accuracy of Travis Henry's drug test, or break the leg of a defensive lineman with a questionable block. He's that kind of guy.
"Hey, if Travis Henry can look at this perfectly-crafted square jaw and tell me he's clean," says Hoover, "then I'll believe him. But why should Shanahan be concerned with a running back. All he needs to know is that his kicker is clean, because this game will be decided on the foot of either Jason Elam or Rob Bironas, or possibly Albert Haynesworth. And since when do NFL kickers have time to smoke pot? Whatever the outcome, somebody's getting their boot licked."
Elam gets the game-winner. Broncos win, 18-15.
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