Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ Tampa Bay (-3 ½)
After last week's 24-23 loss to Jacksonville, Tampa has now lost two straight games in which they out-gained their opponent by a handy margin. After three interceptions by the normally infallible Jeff Garcia, John Gruden is preaching ball-security as the Bucs prepare to host the Cardinals.
"Garcia's been carrying us all year," says Gruden, "so he's entitled to a few mistakes. I'm still the skipper of this ship, and he's still my first mate. And there's the professor, John Clayton, and the movie star, Michael Clayton. God knows why they made the movie Michael Clayton about a receiver who has only six catches on the year. Come on, George Clooney doesn't look a bit like Michael Clayton, although Clooney had just as many catches as Clayton in the Jacksonville game. Anyway, we're all on this island together, and unless we can fashion a consistent running game out of coconuts, some vines, and salt water, we're destined to crash the SS Minnow on a deserted island known as '8-8.'"
Arizona entered their bye week just as they exited it — one game behind the Seahawks for the division lead. Kurt Warner has had two weeks the rest his ailing left arm, and his treatment regimen of rest, prayer, and a snake-handling faith healer has worked wonders. In other words, it still hurts like hell.
"I know my recovery is imminent," says Warner, "because I know the Lord has faith in me. But that son of a gun must have had a lot more faith in me back in 1999 when he gave me the strength to lead the Rams to the Super Bowl."
Arizona wins, 21-20.
Carolina @ Tennessee (-4)
The Titans may have home-field advantage, but that's something that doesn't strike a bit of fear into the Carolina Panthers, as all four Carolina wins this year have come on the road. What really frightens the Panthers, besides a home game, is deciding which injury-riddled and barely-capable quarterback to put on the field, who, inevitably, will be unable to get the ball to Carolina's best offensive weapon, Steve Smith. Do you play the carbon-dated Vinny Testaverde, who has an injured Achilles heel, or David Carr, who's suffering from a nagging back injury and an even more nagging inability to show any type of redeemable quarterbacking ability whatsoever?
"As a coach," says John Fox, "it's not a great position to be in. But boy, I do love the smell of Ben Gay in the morning. Heck, if Ben was a quarterback, he'd be starting for us. Vinny's been around; he's dealt with an Achilles injury before. In fact, his first Achilles injury happened just a few days after the original Achilles went down with the injury. So, Vinny just missed having the injury called 'Testaverde's Heel.' Anyway, there's old in them there heels. As for David, there's way too much mileage on that Carr. With David, we've got to look out for his safety. No, I don't mean the possibility of injury from a defender. I'm more worried about Steve Smith whipping his tail because Carr can't get him the ball."
The Titans are winning the Jeff Fisher way, with a bruising running game, an aggressive defense, and passing statistics from Vince Young that, like his Wonderlic score, you can count on one finger. Young was 6-of-14 for 42 yards in the Titans' 13-9 win over the Raiders last week.
"I'm not asking Vince to perform miracles," says Fisher. "Like, for example, completing 50% of his passes. However, if he needs to, I know he's capable of miracles. I've seen him do it. Once, he turned $1.39 into a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor. And, I've seen him take a single credit card and feed the entire team. Amazing. He's a miracle worker. Eat your heart out Annie Sullivan."
The Panthers need a miracle of their own, in the form of a quarterback who can get Steve Smith the ball. When Smith is involved, the Panthers win. When he's not, they lose. Whatever it takes, the Panthers should field a quarterback who can get the ball to Smith, and/or an offensive coordinator who realizes that Smith is at his disposal. I don't know how, but Smith catches 8 passes for 110 yards and a touchdown. Carolina stays perfect on the road with a 19-17 win. What a rush!
Cincinnati @ Buffalo (+1)
Trailing the Steelers 14-3 in the first half, facing a 4th-and-1 at the Pittsburgh two-yard line, Marvin Lewis elected to kick a field goal instead of going for the touchdown, or at the very least the first down. It's understandable if Lewis showed no faith in his defense, but to pull Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, and T.J. Houshmandzedah off the field in that situation is downright stupid.
"I think Coach Lewis has Jungle Fever," says Chad Johnson. "We've got black stripes on our helmet; he's got a large, yellow one running down the length of his back. I've seen more guts in the inner workings of a toilet. We're the Bengals. We should have roared like tigers in that situation. Instead, we mewed like a cat in heat, which unfortunately is a sign of vulnerability, letting all the tom cats in the neighborhood know that we're easy pickings. And the Steelers pounced and had their way with us. We need to know that Coach Lewis has faith in us. He isn't the greatest of communicators. He just doesn't command your attention. I mean, come on, would anyone have listened to General George Patton were he holding himself up on a crunch and sporting the most dumbfounded, confused look one could imagine? I doubt it."
The Bills have won two in a row to firmly establish themselves as the AFC East second-best team. Not that that's necessarily anything to be that proud of, but the Bills can take comfort in the fact that they are one of the few teams the Patriots didn't run up the score on. They're not world beaters, but the Bills probably do lead the NFL in one category, and that's effort.
"There's one thing I can always expect from this team," says a proud Dick Jauron, "and that's the maximum. And Marvin Lewis shouldn't be discouraged. He can get the same from his players. However, it will be at the sentencing phase of their disciplinary hearings with NFL commissioner Roger 'The Impaler' Goodell."
The pressure's off the Bengals; they aren't playing for a playoff berth. So, they can go out, give it their all, and not worry about the consequences. And still lose, mind you. But this time, the Bengals pull out all the stops, and run every trick play in their book, including a new one recently implemented, called the "Statute of Limitations" play, which results in a touchdown to Chad Johnson, who, sadly, won't be able to celebrate until next season, when he's playing for another team capable of reaching the .500 plateau. Cincinnati wins, 27-23.
Denver @ Detroit (-3 ½)
At 5-2 with two wins over the defending NFC champion Chicago Bears, the Lions may be the league's most surprising team. At least to everyone but themselves. But surprises are nothing new in Detroit. For the last several years, after disappointing seasons, Matt Millen has been surprised to find that he still has a job. Now, Millen is showing the confidence you'd expect to find in a man who's finally got it right after 12 to 15 misses.
"Hey, if you play Bingo long enough," says Jon Kitna, in his birthday suit, "you're bound to get Bingo. And you can best believe Millen is saying 'Bingo' every time you see him. He's already smoking victory cigars, looking like a bloated version of Gomez Addams of The Addams Family. It's creepy and it's kookey, delirious and looney. It's altogether screwy, the Millen Dynasty. Neat. Sweet. Petite!"
Red zone inefficiency continues to haunt the Broncos. In their 19-13 loss to the Packers, the Broncos lost a fumble at the Packer one-yard line in the first half, and had to settle for a tying field goal instead of the winning touchdown as time wound down in regulation. Once again, Jason Elam had the last kick of the game, but it wasn't a game-winner.
"Obviously, not having Travis Henry available for the game was a buzz kill," says Mike Shanahan. "One would think medicinal herb would cure what ails him, but apparently Travis' tolerance for pain is trumped by his tolerance for the sweet leaf. Don't expect me to sweat it, or break into a Black Sabbath song. But I'm a master of reality. I know our running game is the key to our red zone success. I promise you, we'll run the ball against the Lions. In fact, we'll ram it down their throats. But first, we'll soften them up with a shipment of Rocky Mountain oysters for their enjoyment."
Detroit wins, 24-17.
Green Bay @ Kansas City (-1)
If there were any doubters left who questioned the validity of the Packers' fast start this season, their doubts were silenced by the rocket arm of Brett Favre, who slung the game-winning touchdown pass to Greg Jennings as the Packers beat the Broncos 19-13 in overtime. As he proved, Favre can toss a sizzling spiral into a bottle of Prilosec from 60 yards, into the wind, while milking a heifer and taking aim on a buck in his .30-.30 from 300 yards. Or, more impressively, he can hit two Packer receivers in stride who just raced by two overrated Denver cornerbacks for touchdowns of at least 79 yards.
"Put her in the old vice grip!" says Favre, using a time-honored Mississippi term for a firm handshake, or maybe, just maybe, revealing a dark, twisted, and sadistic side of the quarterback that few know about. "Say what you will about the velocity of my passes, but if you look at my throwing motion in slow-motion, you'll see that my mechanics have not changed. Check it out in super slow-motion, you'll see that my speed still tops that of Chad Pennington."
Herman Edwards and the Chiefs will try to put a stop to a Packer team that's already smoked two of the Chiefs' AFC West counterparts. It will likely take more than the 14 points per game the Chiefs are averaging so far this year.
"'You play to win the game.' Oh sorry, that was my cell phone ring tone," says Herman Edwards. "For more statements of the obvious, buy my new book, 'Obvious Statements That Are Supposed to Sound Wise and Prophetic, But Don't: The New Book by Herman Edwards.' As for the Packers, we've got to shut down their running game. By that I mean keeping Favre from sprinting 80 yards downfield after a long touchdown pass."
Green Bay shuts down Larry Johnson, and Favre connects with Donald Driver for a score. Packers win, 20-13.
Jacksonville @ New Orleans (3 ½)
It's J'ville versus K'ville as the cayenne pepper-hot Saints go for their fourth consecutive win. The Saints are finally looking like the team that played in last year's NFC title game, and have found the offensive balance that played a large role in last year's run. Last week, Drew Brees passed for 336 yards and 4 touchdowns, and the Saints rushed for 102 yards.
"It's all about motivation," says Sean Payton. "And I'm a big proponent of motivational films. There's 'Rudy,' 'The Longest Yard,' 'The Sting,' 'Black Sunday,' 'The Sound of Music,' 'The Eiger Sanction,' 'The Shaggy D.A.,' and the 11 movies in the 'Rocky' series. All those get me bouncing off the walls, especially when combined with an eight ball and a half a pint of absinthe. And a transvestite never hurts. But where the heck can you find that in New Orleans? Anyway, I prefer a movie that hits a little more close to home. It's one I personally produced and directed, about a Vietnam veteran on the loose in New Orleans who wants nothing more than the love of his country, or anyone for that matter. It's called 'Rambeaux: First Stud.'"
The Jags rebounded from their loss to Indy with a huge 24-23 win in Tampa, which earned them a 5-2 record and the unofficial title of "Florida's best team," for which they were rewarded with a bushel of grapefruit, a boogie board, and a free cruise to Cuba. The Jags ran the ball 44 times, but won on Quinn Gray's pass to Matt Jones.
"I think Gray showed a lot of heart," says a beaming Jack Del Rio, "despite only going 7-of-16 for 100 yards. It that kind of performance that sends a message, and that's a message to David Garrard that says 'Get Well Soon.'"
It will likely take more than one good pass from Gray to beat the Saints. Is it in him? No, but he's filled to the brim with Gatorade. Saints win, 20-17.
San Diego @ Minnesota (+7)
Hot off their third-straight win after a 1-3 start, the Chargers and LaDainian Tomlinson head to Minnesota to take on the Vikings and rookie sensation Adrian Peterson on the neatly-trimmed carpet of the Metrodome. Tomlinson, known as one of the most humble superstars in the NFL, is not afraid to express his admiration for Peterson.
"Sleek. A fine specimen. With the desire to go all the way at any moment," says Tomlinson. "Sure, those sound like the words you'd expect to hear from the talent coordinator for a Viking cruise on Lake Minnetonka. But you can also use those to describe Adrian. He's impressive. How impressive? Very. But not as impressive as seeing a manualist play Iron Maiden's four-minute opus 'The Trooper' in its entirety, with just his hands! Now, that's impressive. For those of you that have been under a rock for just the last few seconds, a manualist is someone who manipulates his hands together, causing suction that creates a squeaking sound. Now, what's even more impressive is finding someone who admits to this talent, much less one who can play the guitar parts of the signature song of a legendary British metal band named after a 19th-century torture device."
I consider myself enlightened, L.T. But you're still the best running back in the NFL. What's more, you claimed the title of "Best Costume" at the Chargers Halloween Gala with your version of Mexican super hero, crime fighter, and politician "El Escroto." So, kudos to you, too. Anyway, the Chargers' acquisition of wide receiver Chris Chambers from the Dolphins paid immediate dividends, for the Chargers and for Chambers. Chambers scored a touchdown in San Diego's 35-10 win over Houston, and Chambers went from an 0-8 team to a 4-3 contender. Chambers is thanking his lucky stars, and Chad Johnson is envious.
Tomlinson is in costume again, this time as a decoy. You can't beat the Vikings defense at the line of scrimmage, but any other yard marker beyond that is fair, and easy game. Philip Rivers tosses three touchdown passes, one to Chambers, one to Tomlinson, and one to Antonio Gates. San Diego wins, 27-14.
San Francisco @ Atlanta (-3)
Talk about a team in turmoil. The Falcons are 1-6, the players hate the coach, and the coach hates the players. And Bobby Petrino is calling Tom Coughlin for advice. Petrino just fined DeAngelo Hall $50,000 for Hall's criticism after Petrino released veteran defensive tackle Grady Jackson.
"Just call it a contribution to the 'I Hate Petrino Fund,'" says Hall. "You might as well sign me up for the automatic weekly payroll deduction to that cause. Petrino's a control freak. I don't know where he gets off treating Grady like that. I mean, the whole city's upset. Outkast just released a new song, 'I'm Sorry, Mr. Jackson.' Seriously, the only person allowed to treat Grady like that is Fred Sanford. If Petrino and I continue to clash like this, it's going to be time for the big one. And I'll explode with a stream of expletives that would make Redd Foxx blush. I know we had the obligatory 'talk it out' session, but that's just window dressing. We still hate each other."
The 49ers may be the league's most offensively inept team, averaging only 12 points per game. Their running game is nonexistent, quarterback play is erratic, and Mike Nolan accidentally laundered his "dry clean only" suits.
"To be blunt," says Nolan, "we've got a case of acute pansiatis. In other words, we're playing like pansies. But that does place us No. 1 in the NFL's 'Flower Rankings.' But we've got to rally around whichever quarterback can light a spark under us. It's either going to be Alex Smith, who's still suffering the effects of a shoulder separation, or Trent Dilfer, whose impressive, two-page resume includes a Super Bowl title. Actually, that's all his resume includes; 'Super Bowl champion' is just written in really big letters."
Which team is right there with San Fran in offensive ineptitude? Why, it's the Falcons, who average only 13 points a game. Hall plays his best game of the season, with an interception, and only curses out two Atlanta coaches. He then douses Petrino with a cooler of Gatorade pushed off the mezzanine level in the Georgia Dome. And even gets an assist from San Fran kicker Joe Nedney, who gives Petrino the finger. Falcons win, 24-10.
Washington @ NY Jets (+3 1/2)
Washington was skinned, tarred, and feathered in their 52-7 loss to the Patriots that resonated right to the very core of the White House, where President Bush offered a stately admonishing of Bill Belichick and New England, saying the actions of the Patriots equated to "aiding the terrorists." However, Bush stated, despite the tragic circumstances of the beating, he was pretty sure Halliburton could make some money off of it, and somebody would probably get shot by an employee, or several employees, of Blackwater Security.
"Look, we got beat so bad we're getting a casino," says Redskins coach Joe Gibbs. "If you missed the game, you can catch a replay on ESPN's Instant Massacre. We got ''Chick Fil-A'd.' Now I know how the Broncos felt after Super Bowl 22. In all seriousness, though, I thought it was quite classless of the Patriots to run up the score like they did, but they more than made up for it with the classy act of handing us our asses on a silver platter."
The Jets are finally making the long-awaited quarterback change, seven weeks in the making, as Eric Mangini has made the decision to start Kellen Clemens. Mangini, after much deliberation, and a quick glance at Chad Pennington's quarterback rating and hairdo, decided that starting Clemens would give the Jets the best chance at winning, and also would give them the best chance of Pennington not playing.
"Actually, I used the same criteria I've always used to make the tough decisions," says Mangini. "I'm a genius, so I examine a lot of numbers, formulas, algebraic equations, and algorithms to reach what a feel is the right choice. If all of that fails, I go to my old trusty stand-by: 'Mangini-meenie-minie-mo.'"
The Redskins are steaming, embarrassed, disgraced, and all the other adjectives used to describe the resulting emotions after a 52-7 beating. Sorry Jets, you got next. Washington wins, 27-20.
Seattle @ Cleveland (-1)
What question are you likely not to hear when Mike "Rotunda" Holmgren and Romeo "Much Ado About Gluttony" Crenel cross paths in the Dawg Pound?
"Where's the beef?" says competitive eating icon Takeru Kobayashi.
Okay, what question are you likely to hear?
"When do we eat?" replies Kobayashi.
Enough with the nonsense, you Japanese stomach-expanding freak. This ain't Coney Island. This is the Dawg Pound, and the name's got nothing to do with hot dogs. It's the bleacher section in the east end zone of Cleveland Browns Stadium, and, for the first time is ages, there's actually a little mystique returning to the Pound.
"That's right," says Cleveland quarterback Derek Anderson. "There's something called offense here now. Isn't that surprising? You wouldn't think the defensive mind behind the Patriots' three Super Bowl titles could build an offense, would you? That kind of thing's not working too well in Cincinnati, is it? We wear our orange with a little more pride, and a lot less confinement. Sure, our defense sucks just like the Bengals,' but we're able to score more than our defense gives up. And that, my friend, is the secret to winning at this game."
The Seahawks lead the NFC West, but they are not the team that advanced to last year's divisional round, and they definitely are not the team that played in Super Bowl XL. Call it age, call it parity, call it what you will. But it doesn't help matters when Shaun Alexander is auditioning touchdown celebrations from 'N Sync has-been Joey Fatone when Alexander should simply be concentrating on finding the end zone.
"Hey, it's not my fault all the commercials starring NFL players besides Peyton Manning aren't the least bit funny," says Alexander. "Peyton's set the bar so high, and has cornered the market in the 'slapstick goofiness with a touch of bravado' category. I guess when my playing days are done, I'm destined to star in movies with Howie Long."
Seahawks win, 27-24.
Houston @ Oakland (-3)
The Texans and the Raiders scored a combined 19 points last week in losses to the Chargers and Titans, respectively, and both teams now occupy last place in the their respective divisions, the AFC South and AFC West. Not much is at stake, least of all respect, when the injury-plagued Texans head to the "BlackAfee Hole" in Oakland, home of the Raiders. But you can count on one thing: neither team will be accused of running up the score on the other. In fact, the term "running up the score," as it applies to this game, most likely would refer to one of the teams kicking the game-winning field goal.
"There's two things you can do when a team runs up the score on you," says Raider owner Al Davis. "You can take it, or you can do something about. If a team would have beat, let's say, the 1976 Raiders by a score of 52-7, you can best believe Jack Tatum would have laid someone out, or Ted Hendricks would have collected several eyeballs, or Lester Hayes would have sealed each of someone's seven orifices with a handful of stickum. If, somehow, the opposition would have escaped those heinous punishments, then I would have simply had them executed, stuffed, and mounted on my office wall. Now, had a team beat this year's Raider team 52-7, I would have first guessed that Art Shell was coaching, then I would have exacted revenge on the offending team by trading them our best player for a fourth-round pick.
If they're lucky, the Raiders will get to play "Thump The Schaub" with Houston quarterback Matt Schaub, who's been knocked up, down, sideways, silly, and stupid this year. Maybe David Carr wasn't that bad. Nah, just ask the Panthers. He sucks. Or the Raiders may get a taste of Sage Rosenfels. Either way, the banged up Texans go down the Black Hole counterclockwise. Oakland wins, 22-17.
New England @ Indianapolis (+4 1/2)
The Patriots whipped the Redskins 52-7 and needed every bit of those 52 points, as the 'Skins mounted a late comeback, scoring seven unanswered points, but falling just short. Now, armed with the confidence of repelling that comeback, as well as an 8-0 record, the Patriots head to Indianapolis to face the 7-0 Colts in a dream matchup, the NFL's first between teams with 7-0 records or better.
"Trust me," says Tom Brady, "I'm not a stranger to dream matchups. I'm dating a supermodel, so I practically have one every night. Sometimes twice. Talk about a fantasy team. Peyton Manning, on the other hand, well, he's actually gone to adult video stores and asked to see game tape. And his relationship with his playbook is less than savory. In fact, it's downright scandalous. In some states, Manning and his playbook would be married by common law. Of course, in some states, it would not be legally binding, but it would be spirally binding."
Yo, Peyton.
"Yeah, what's up, man?"
There go that team they call New England.
"They all stuck up."
Why you say that?
"'Cause they got busted cheating, copped an attitude, then started running up the score on helpless teams under the guise of 'just playing' football. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Back in my college days, if I could have ran up the score on the Florida Gators, I would have. But it's hard to run up the score when you're losing. As for the Patriots, I know they're playing like an untouchable force organization. But somebody tell me why teams continue to let Mike Vrabel get open when he's in on offense. If Vrabel's in, double-team him! As for the 'fake spike,' I thought it was a great play by Brady. But the offensive interference on Randy Moss was better, and was made more impressive by the fact that the officials didn't call it. This game will be a war. I just hope there will be a clear winner."
New England is scoring 41 points a game. Will they score that against the Colts? No. The Pats are giving up 16 a game. Will Indy top that? Yes. Of course, New England will score more than the 15 a game the Colts are giving up. So, basically, stats are meaningless. It all boils down to good versus evil. The Colts wear white, don't they? Adam Vinatieri kicks the game-winner, and Indianapolis wins one for the commoners, 29-26.
Dallas @ Philadelphia (+3)
If the last-place Eagles want to get back into the NFC East race, they absolutely have to beat the Cowboys, who ride in from the dude ranch with a 6-1 record and the arrogance of an NFC powerhouse that knows it has no chance to win the Super Bowl. Philly could close to within two games of the Cowboys with a win on Sunday. To do so, Donovan McNabb will have to outduel the Cowboys and Tony Romo, who just locked in a six-year, $67 million contract extension.
"Hey, everything's all hunky-dorry with Romo," says Donovan McNabb. "He's the $67 million dollar man, and he's out celebrating with his handler Oscar Goldman and 'The Tabloid Skankazoid' Britney Spears. Just a word to the wise, Tony, before you take the snap from center, be aware of where it's been. Anyway, I know the Cowboys and Romo will come to Philly with guns blazing, but I've got a little side piece of my own. No, wait. That's just my intestines poking me in the side."
The Philly fans will certainly have a cold reception for Terrell Owens, but that won't bother T.O.
"Hey, I'll be surprised if I can even make it to the stadium," says Owens, "Because I burned so many bridges getting out of this city, how will I get back? Oh, that's right. I'll fly, first class, with Dallas owner Jerry Jones."
But there's a surprise waiting for Owens at the Philadelphia International Airport. It's Philly mafia maniacs Vinnie and Joey, who just happen to be meeting country-western legend Willie Nelson for an exchange of a briefcase full of money for a planeload full of weed. Before Owens knows what hits him, Nelson, Vinnie, and Joey break into a moving rendition of "Mommas Don't Let Your Cowboys Grow Up to Be Babies." Then the two thugs try to 'smoke" Owens, but the crafty veteran gets them to bite on an in route, then goes deep, and escapes.
Dallas wins, 24-19.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-9 1/2)
Negative emotions always run high when the Ravens and Steelers engage, and Monday night's battle at Heinz Field will be no different. Unlike Ravens' receivers, the hatred runs deep. The winner stakes claim to the outright division lead in the AFC North, arguably, top to bottom, the NFL's best division. To challenge the Steelers, Brian Billick will have to come up with a game plan to spark the stagnant Ravens offense, which usually moves at a snail's pace over sandpaper.
"I'm more worried about the Ravens defense than their offense," says Mike Tomlin, who goes by the nickname 'Kool' to the Steelers' 'Gang.' "The Baltimore offense is comical, much like an NFL official giving the 'juggling' signal to indicate a player did not have possession of the ball. I don't care who you are, that's funny. Git 'r done. When I think of 'offensive wizardry,' I don't think of Brian Billick. I picture Merlin the Magician lifting his robe like a dirty old man."
It will take more than a magic wand for Baltimore to find the necessary firepower to beat a Steelers team that surrenders fewer points than any team in the NFL. A 10-0 shutout would cover the spread, but I think the Ravens will sneak in a touchdown somewhere along the way. Sources tell me that the scoreboard operator at Heinz Field is a gambling-addicted boozer who can be bought. Pittsburgh wins, 20-7.
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