Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Cincinnati @ Kansas City (+3)
The Cincinnati defense is surrendering over 30 points per game, third worst in the league, and the offense can't keep up, averaging 26.5. Some of the blame on defense is due to injuries; the rest is attributable to just plain sucking. The injury situation has drove the Bengals to desperate measures to field a patchwork defense that can develop into a respectable unit.
"We're doing something unprecedented here in Cincinnati," says Marvin Lewis. "In our haste to fill positions, we're ignoring character issues, police records, and parole violations and signing players regardless of any problems they may have. As long as their blood alcohol content from their latest DWI does not exceed their 40-yard dash time, they're golden. We've even waived the cavity search. Look, we're not looking for our defense to give us shutouts. We just need them to remember their fundamentals, and force one or two punts a game."
Larry Johnson was held to 12 yards on 9 carries against the hard-hitting Jacksonville defense, which is akin to running on a treadmill through an asteroid belt, or facing a firing squad wearing only a Herman Edward's Chiefs-issue sweater vest.
"In both cases," says Johnson, "Coach Edwards would have you believe each is wise strategy. The man could be a motivational speaker for death-row inmates, and actually have those guys fired up on to get electrocuted or lethally injected."
Johnson should be able to manage 12 yards on approximately one, maybe two, carries against the Bengals. The Chiefs should be able to play Herman's brand of ball control offense that he adores, pounding Johnson into the line for as many yards as possible, plus Herm's favorite prize, a reset play clock. But the Bengals are in desperation mode, and need a win, otherwise Marvin Lewis will be hobbling out of a job. Cincinnati wins, 28-23.
Houston @ Jacksonville (-6 ½)
The Texans beat the Dolphins 22-19 on Kris Brown's 57-yard field goal and Houston improved to 3-2, while defensive lineman Travis Johnson took the league lead in a little-known statistical category known as "unconscious players taunted." Johnson was blocked low by Miami quarterback Trent Green, who was knocked unconscious by Johnson's knee and lay motionless while Johnson taunted him.
"Hey, I've tried to taunt Green while he's conscious," says Johnson, "but he never is. The man's been on more stretchers than Evel Knievel. But on the plus side, he's got just as many successful rocket jumps of the Snake River Canyon as Knievil."
The Texans face the Jaguars in Jacksonville's Municipal Stadium, the 'Mun-Sta,' home of Jaguar mascot Jackson DeVille, who beat out several other fellow DeVille's for the job, including Poison guitarist C.C. and dog owner and Disney character Cruella, who lost despite a ringing endorsement from Michael Vick. The Texans' Johnson won't likely knock any Jags unconscious, and certainly won't taunt them if he does. In fact, if Jacksonville quarterback David Garrard needs to lay a block, he definitely won't go low. Heck, just to make a statement for the quarterback fraternity, he might lay the lethal "helmet-to-jock strap" block on Johnson.
"I call that the 'crotch-rocket,'" says Garrard. "But the best block to lay on a Johnson is the clip."
The Texans could be 0-15 and the Jags could be 15-0, and this still would be a close game. Garrard, running an offense a fifth grader could master, passes for his usual 200 yards and a touchdown. The Jags muster 100 yards on the ground on 47 carries, and Jack Del Rio loves it! Jacksonville wins, 23-21.
Miami @ Cleveland (-4 1/2)
The Dolphins remain winless after losing at Houston 22-19, Miami's third three-point loss of the year. Now, the Dolphins head to Cleveland's Dawg Pound, where Cleo Lemon will get the start in place of Trent Green, who's looking for a qualified stunt double. So far, only one team, Pittsburgh, has entered Cleveland Stadium and left with a win.
"We know Cleveland is a tough place to play," says Cam Cameron, who hosts his own Punk'd-style prank show called Cam-Shafted at 3:30 AM Friday mornings on the Dolphins' Miami affiliate. "It will take lots of preparation to get Cleo ready for what he'll face in Cleveland, not only from the Browns defense, but also from the fans. Then there's the possibility of biblical plagues striking. I think we can handle a swarm of insects, but I'm not sure if there's an audible in our playbook for fiery hail. And if Romeo Crennel throws down his walking stick and it turns into a snake, there's only one thing to do: break and run, brother."
"I'm not into the dark arts," says Crennel, "although I can levitate with only the help of a lovely assistant and an industrial crane. But we will have some tricks to try on Cleo, such as the 'fresh-squeezed Lemon double safety blitz,' and the 'Lemon drop,' in which we fake an 11-man blitz and then drop all into coverage. That should suitably confuse the young man."
Derek Anderson throws for three touchdowns, and Lemon throws two interceptions. Cleveland wins, 24-17.
Minnesota @ Chicago (-6)
The Bears tightened up the race in the NFC North considerably with a gutsy 27-20 win last Sunday night over the Packers at Lambeau Field. Chicago forced five turnovers and Brian Griese made two clutch second-half touchdown passes. Griese's performance eased the nerves of Lovie Smith, who was running out of options at the quarterback position.
"This was obviously a turning point for us," says Smith. "I just hope we don't make two more left turns and head back in the same direction we came from. I'm optimistic, though. Brian was great. I haven't seen a Chicago leader give such a clutch performance since Peter Cetera rocked Red Rocks back in 1987. He was awesome, and Brian was pretty good, too. He went into Lambeau, stared down Brett Favre, wet his pants just a little, and made the plays."
Brad Childress and the Vikes have had a bye week to contemplate a game plan capable of beating the Bears in Chicago.
"So far, nothing," says Childress. "But we're still thinking. I have no doubt we can hold the Bears to 20 points or less. Scoring that many presents possibly the greatest coaching challenge of my life. Here in Minnesota, we include our defense in offensive meetings, since they're usually the ones scoring all the points. If Adrian Peterson can't get us where we're going, then I guess it's up to Tarvaris Jackson to lead the way, which is a thought that sends my late-1800s era saloon bartender mustache aquiver."
There won't be much room to run on these defenses, so Griese and Jackson will have to go to the air. Griese threw often to his tight ends against the Packers, and should have success down that avenue again. Devin Hester scores on a fake punt interception return, as well as an inside-the-park home run, and the Bears win, 20-16.
Philadelphia @ NY Jets (+2 1/2)
The Jets blew a 17-7 half-time lead over the Giants and lost 35-24 to drop to 1-4 as Chad Pennington handed out three interceptions and the running game faltered again. Pennington heard the boos in the Meadowlands, a sound which has become a rallying cry for Jets fans, and, depending on level of inebriation and vicinity to boozed-up skeezers, a mating call.
"I know my days as a starter are like my deep ball," says Pennington. "Short and wobbly. Heck, I think Joe Torre's got a better chance of keeping his job. Shoot, Joe Torre's got a better chance of starting at quarterback than I do. I'm not oblivious. I can see the vultures circling, and sense an army of sewer rats assembling. It's times like this in which I have to tell myself to be strong. I'm going to be a man about this, and hopefully I'll stand and deliver, something I've only before accomplished successfully in front of a urinal."
The Eagles are coming off a bye week and should be fairly healthy for their trip to the swamplands of New Jersey, a familiar destination for Philly mobsters Vinnie and Joey, who use it often as a gun/body/evidence/old appliance repository, and occasionally as a secluded getaway to take a lady friend for approximately an hour. Anyway, running back Bryan Westbrook and safety Brian Dawkins should be healthy for Sunday's game.
"Westbrook is the key to this offense," says Donovan McNabb, "and Dawkins is the leader of this defense. When this team is healthy, we're capable of beating anyone. I've got a gut feeling that we could go on a tear and win four or five in a row. Or, maybe that's just a hernia talking."
It's simple. Philly has a defense, New York does not. The Jets aren't the Giants; McNabb won't be sacked 12 times. Eagles win, 30-20.
St. Louis @ Baltimore (9 1/2)
If only this game could have taken place around the years 2000 or 2001, when the "Greatest Show on Turf" and Baltimore's unstoppable defense were in their prime. Mike Martz and Brian Billick still had the "genius" tags associated with them, without the "self-proclaimed" qualifier attached. Kurt Warner was breaking records, not thumbs, and Tony Siragusa was just a football player and only mildly irritating.
But how times have changed. The Rams are 0-5, now the "Greatest Blow on Turf," with a lengthy injury list. Marc Bulger has broken ribs, Gus Frerotte is the starter, and Rams scouts are scouring grocery stores in Iowa for quarterback prospects. The Ravens still have a quality defense, and have assembled a team capable of beating 12 of the 16 AFC teams, but unable to beat the four that count, especially in the playoffs.
"Hey, don't knock this Raven team," says Brian Billick. "Not many teams could go to San Francisco and put nine on the board in a winning effort. Maybe the Rockies, the Phillies, or the Diamondbacks, but no one else. And Siragussa is a fine sideline reporter, if you like a little marinara sauce and garlic toast with your insight."
Baltimore will exploit the Rams' makeshift offensive line, and their physical style will overwhelm the Rams. That's not to say the Rams won't score, because they will.
"But they'll be sore," quoth the Ravens. "They'll be sore."
Steve McNair, who knows all about sore ribs, hits Todd Heap for a score, and Ed Reed scores on a 117-yard interception return. The Ravens celebrate their 23-16 win at their favorite downtown gentlemens' club, Edgar Allan Ho's.
Tennessee @ Tampa Bay (-3)
What happens when the sunglasses-wearing Jeff Fisher and his impressive mustache take the same field occupied by the visor-wearing John Gruden and his famous sneer?
"Uh, a pretty good game of Mr. Potato Head?" answers Vince Young, who earned three credit hours in a Texas anatomy class for successfully assembling said Potato Head. "Gruden and Coach Fisher are two intense dudes, so I expect them to pull out all the stops on Sunday."
Tennessee turned the ball over five times but still beat the Falcons, 20-13, while the Colts wore down the Bucs 33-14. Time of possession will be a key in this one. The Titans have a deep backfield, with LenDale White, star of television's Let's Eat a Meal, and Chris Brown sharing carries. And Young is always a threat to run when he's not throwing a six-yard dump down to a running back. The Bucs are down to their third string running back, Earnest Graham, who now, more than ever, understands the importance of being. The Titans should be able to control the tempo. Tennessee wins, 20-16.
Washington @ Green Bay (-3)
The Packers will try to make it three-for-three against NFC East teams when the Redskins invade Lambeau Field. Green Bay lost its first game last Sunday when "The Gunslinger" Brett Favre was outgunned by the "Pistol Whipper" Brian Griese, whose only other duel victory came against Rex "Pale Rider" Grossman. Now, Favre welcomes one of the NFL's young guns, Jason Campbell, who's led the Redskins to a 3-1 record.
"You know, I've lost games to some great quarterbacks," says Favre. "John Elway, Steve Young, Troy Aikman. Brian Griese doesn't belong on that list. I'm disappointed that I was shot down in a blaze of sorry. But you know me. No matter how many interceptions I throw, I'll keep shooting for the end zone. Yeah, I know I practically lost the Chicago game for us with those two picks. That one I threw to Brian Urlacher? Honestly, I didn't mean to throw it right to him. It just looked like I was giving him an easy one so I could be a part of some NFL record. But that wasn't the case. It was just a bad decision."
Campbell has been making all the right decisions for the Redskins, and has Redskins owner Daniel Snyder believing that he's actually made a good personnel decision, for once.
"You're wrong about that," says Snyder. "I'm actually paying someone to do that. As you can see, the success of the Redskins is inversely proportionate to my involvement in the team."
This should be a good defensive struggle, with the outcome hinging on turnovers. The 'Skins force three, and Shaun Suisham kicks the game-winning field goal. Washington wins, 22-19.
Carolina @ Arizona (-3 1/2)
It's a battle of backup quarterbacks at he University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, a place neither of these teams will see in February, as the Panthers and David Carr take on the Cardinals and Kurt Warner. Jake Delhomme had season-ending elbow surgery, while Matt Leinart broke his collarbone and is out indefinitely.
"This day was prophesied in the Bible," says Warner. "It's called 'The Rapture.' On this day, Kurt Warner becomes the sole quarterback of the Cardinals, and all sinners take a quick ride to the depths of Hell. Yeah, I know, that will only leave about seven or eight NFL players, and about an equal number of current Bengals and former Cowboys answering to the great Satan. I pray that Matt can convalesce in peace, and hope that he finds solace in scripture or prayer, or at least in the company of Nurse Goodbody and the countless candy stripers he demands during hospital stays. Just a warning to all ladies responsible for Matt's care: he's just got a broken collarbone, which means he's perfectly capable of his own hygiene. He'll ask for sponge baths in quantity; don't be tempted by his manipulations."
Anyway, the job is Warner's until he breaks his thumb. For the Panthers, Carr will be doing exactly what Carolina envisioned when they signed him: taking over for the injured Delhomme. Should Carr not be able to keep his hands on the wheel, the Panthers just signed Vinny Testaverde for emergency duty. Early Wednesday, the 43-year old Testeverde completed his first pass for the Panthers, a physical, then was introduced to his new teammates, who all politely called him "sir."
"I don't care who is our quarterback," says Steve Smith. "He just needs to get me the ball. I guess Carr is adequate, but I prefer my quarterback not to wear white gloves that make him look like a mime. I expect David to go into the 'man in a box' routine any minute now. I'm confident Vinny can get me the ball if he gets in. He's been around a long time, and I don't think he's ever injured himself by simply throwing the ball."
If Smith catches ten balls for 140 yards, then the Panthers can put up 27 points. Otherwise, 16 or 17 seems to be the limit. Carolina's alternating wins and losses season continues. Warner throws for 260 yards, and Larry Fitzgerald can't be stopped by the Carolina defense. Arizona wins, 24-17.
New England @ Dallas (+4 1/2)
The outcome of Sunday afternoon's monumental showdown of undefeated teams will likely hinge on the right hands of quarterbacks Tom Brady and Tony Romo. On Brady's right hand, you can place three Super Bowl rings and still have room to count the two interceptions he's thrown this year. On Romo's right hand, you can count all five of the interceptions he tossed in Monday night's game at Buffalo, and still have room to count all the Super Bowls he's won.
"Hey, this isn't a bunkhouse stampede," says Romo. "Do you see the 'American Dream' Dusty Rhodes anywhere around? No, that's because there is no 'American Dream.' It's 'America's Team.' It's not a personal duel. It's a team game. Sure, Brady can outplay me, but we could still win. And vice-versa. I don't think anybody in this locker room places personal stats above the team concept. And, if you look closely, you'll see that Terrell Owens is currently not in this locker room."
Adding to the intrigue are the mercurial wide receivers, Randy Moss and the aforementioned Owens. Moss has caught nearly everything thrown to him, and has fingers of glue, which he likes to sniff on occasion. Owens has dropped several passes, and has fingers of butter, which he uses to lube himself up before some reps of sit-ups in his driveway, or anywhere a crowd of reporters gathers.
"They say everything is bigger in Texas," says Moss. "It must be true, 'cause once this game is over, everyone will see that I'm twice the player Owens is. Somebody get me a 14-pronged pick and a 10-gallon du-rag for my Texas-sized afro."
Do you get the feeling that the Cowboys feel they need to win this game to validate their 5-0 record, while the Patriots are preparing for the game as they would any other? The Patriots won't be rattled; the Cowboys can be rattled. Brady versus Romo? Edge, Brady. Moss versus Owens? Edge, Moss. Bill Belichick versus Wade Phillips? Edge, Belichick. Result? New England 34, Dallas 28.
Oakland @ San Diego (-10)
Sunday in San Diego will see the kickoff to the "Norv Turner Job Security Bowl" in San Diego between the Chargers and Turner's former employers, the Raiders. Turner was head coach in Oakland during the 2004 and 2005 seasons, where he compiled records of 5-11 and 4-12.
"Wow! Al Davis brought me back after a 5-11 year?" says Turner. "He must have really seen something in me, besides some replacement organs. But what is worse? Keeping your job after a 5-11 year or getting a job after someone else's 14-2 year? I don't know. I do know that I've done the former way more than the latter."
The Raiders have to be the league's most surprising division leader, having raced out to a 2-2 record and a ½-game lead over their three division counterparts.
"Thank goodness for bye weeks," says Daunte Culpepper. "It looks like I'm still the quarterback of this team, while Josh McCown's foot heals and JaMarcus Russell grows out of his training pants. And it looks like I'm the frontrunner for Comeback Player of the Year, as long as the requirement is a comeback from injury and not a comeback from being a lazy bum. Otherwise, Randy Moss wins."
Chargers win, 28-20.
New Orleans @ Seattle (-6 1/2)
After a fourth-quarter meltdown that resulted in a 16-13 loss to the Panthers, the Saints are 0-4 and last in the NFC South, and paper bags throughout the city are nervous. The Saints attempted a 54-yard field with over two minutes left, and the miss gave the Panthers great field position and plenty of time to maneuver for the game-winning field goal, which John Kasay nailed as time expired.
"I haven't seen such a boneheaded decision in New Orleans since FEMA was in town," says Drew Brees. "Come on. Olindo Mare was hurt. But should that even matter? I don't care if Tom Dempsey was lining up for that kick with a complete set of feet, you still don't risk it with over two minutes left."
You're right, Drew. But would you try that kick with Mike "Canadian Missed" Vanderjagt on the field, who made his name as the most accurate kicker of non-game-winning field goals in the history of the NFL?
"Absolutely not."
The Seahawks got served with a 21-love beat down in Pittsburgh, managing only 144 yards of total offense. What was supposed to be the NFC's rebel yell in defiance of AFC superiority turned into a whimper of submission.
"Okay, so we can't handle the AFC's elite," says Shaun Alexander. "But, I'd say we're still the NFC's fourth-best team, which makes us the NFL's 14th-best team."
No team needs a win more than the Saints. The "Gumbo and 4" jokes are getting old, and no team has ever made the playoffs after an 0-5 start. Of course, no team has ever made the playoffs after a 1-4 start, but no team has ever started 1-4 and been in 2007's NFC South. Anything is possible.
Sorry, Saints. It's "Gumbo and 5." Seattle wins, 24-20.
NY Giants @ Atlanta (+3)
The Giants have won three in a row, making them the hottest team in the NFL that calls the Meadowlands home. When you talk about Eli Manning, you have to talk about his pedigree. Son of Archie Manning, brother of Peyton. When you mention "pedigree" in Atlanta, quarterbacks don't enter the conversation.
"Just a bunch of hairy, big-toothed freaks," says Joey Harrington. "And that's just the women in my family. And I thought this conversation was headed to the subject of Michael Vick. It's refreshing that people are interested in my family tree, as well."
Speaking of Vick, the NFL schedule makers obviously assumed he would be on the field, otherwise we'd be watching the New England/Dallas game in this slot, and maybe Michael Irvin could have visited the Monday Night Football booth and added a little color to the commentary of the three giggleboxes up there, Tony Kornheiser, Ron Jaworski, and Mike Tirico. Sure, it lacks the drama of the courtroom, but seeing Harrington face the Giants' rush is a lot like watching Vick face a team of prosecutors. Vick lost, and so do the Falcons. New York wins, 26-17.
Last week: 12-2 (straight up); 5-8-1 (against the spread)
Overall: 48-28 (straight up); 31-39-6 (against the spread)
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