Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson won the pole on Friday, but wrecked his car in Saturday's final practice, forcing him to start at the rear of the field. Even so, Johnson, behind the crafty leadership of crew chief Chad Knaus, methodically worked his way through the field and finished third. He know leads the points by six over Jeff Gordon.
"On a day of wacky decisions made by NASCAR," says Johnson, "declaring a winner who couldn't even cross the finish line tops the list. I think a 'reasonable rate of speed' means a speed which can carry you across the finish line. Honestly, I wasn't even aware that Greg Biffle was still driving in NASCAR.”
2. Jeff Gordon — Gordon pitted just before rain-delayed the race on lap 140, which dropped him a lap down as most other drivers hadn't cycled through. Luckily for Gordon, the rain stopped, the sun returned, the track dryers blew extra hard, and questionable driving by several Chase contenders presented Gordon with a fifth-place finish. He now stands second in the points, six behind Jimmie Johnson.
"If I have to lay back and wait for Chase contenders to start bouncing off of each other," says Gordon, "then that's what I'll do. It worked this week. And, if that's the kind of driving we get in Kansas, then I can only imagine what Talladega and the Car of Tomorrow has in store for us."
3. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer nearly grabbed his second career win, and second of the Chase, but was thwarted when NASCAR stopped the race under caution, making Greg Biffle the winner, although Bowyer crossed the finish line first. Despite several drivers declaring Bowyer the "real" winner, the Kansas native settled for second, which placed him third in the points, 14 behind Jimmie Johnson.
"Despite my protests," says Bowyer, "NASCAR refused to reconsider the order of finish. The only advice they could give me was to click my heels three times while informing me that I wasn't in New Hampshire anymore.”
4. Tony Stewart — Stewart stayed out before Sunday's final rain delay and inherited the lead. Had the race been called because of weather, he would have won. But, after a long delay while the track was dried, Stewart's cars was damaged in a lap 155 incident which caused his front fender to rub his tire. Then, on lap 176, Kurt Busch hit Stewart's slowing car. Stewart finished 39th and trails by 117 in the points.
"NASCAR didn't fine me for that curse word I uttered after practice on Saturday," says Stewart. “That's great. I saved about $25,000 on that deal, which I used towards buying a vowel and three consonants to voice my displeasure when they decided to restart. And is it considered profanity to use Kurt Busch's name in vain?”
5. Carl Edwards — On lap 176, Kurt Busch hit the slowing car of Tony Stewart, who spun into the path of Edwards. Edwards rammed Stewart's No. 20, causing substantial front-end damage to the No. 99 Home Depot Ford. Edwards finished 37th, and fell 142 points off the lead.
"I'm surprised NASCAR didn't give me a full inspection," says Edwards. "If they had, they would have found quite a few parts of my car a lot shorter than they were supposed to be."
6. Kevin Harvick — Harvick's sixth-place finish in Kansas got him back into the thick of the Chase, moving him up four spots to fifth. Although he is 126 points out of first, Harvick is confident he can make up ground at Talladega.
“It's good to see Clint Bowyer's been listening to all the information Jeff Burton and myself have been feeding him,” says Harvick. “Maybe we should have listened to him a little more.”
7. Kurt Busch — Busch ran into the back of Tony Stewart's car, slowed by a cut tire, and knocked the No. 20 car into the path of Carl Edwards' No. 99 Ford. Both Stewart and Edwards' days were essentially done, and Busch was able to drive away and finish eleventh. He now sits ninth in the points, 177 out of first.
“I guess I killed two birds with one stone,” says Busch. “And I got two birds from two different drivers. I know Tony says he had his hand up to signal that he was slowing, but between the smoke from his tire and my uncanny ability to ignore everything Tony says and does, I guess I didn't see it.”
8. Kyle Busch — On lap 29, Busch was punted into the wall by Dale Earnhardt, Jr., a clash of current and future Hendrick Motorsports drivers that is sure to reverberate for years to come, or maybe for a week. Earnhardt accepted responsibility and apologized profusely, but Busch was in no mood for forgiveness. He now trails Jimmie Johnson by 136 in falling from fourth to sixth in the standings.
“That's a double-whammy from Dale, Jr.,” says Busch. “First, he gets me canned from Hendrick, then he wrecks me in Kansas. What's next? Teresa Earnhardt marrying Joe Gibbs?”
9. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex recovered from a flat tire on lap 32, and was in the hunt before a pileup caused by Ken Schrader collected Truex, as well as Tony Stewart and Matt Kenseth. Truex finished 38th, 35 laps down, and is 158 points out of the lead.
“I bet Schrader had a good laugh about that with Michael Waltrip on Inside Nextel Cup,” says Truex. “Is that what you call an expert panel? Those guys couldn't drive through an automated car wash without hitting something. And any car sponsored by Little Debbie should not be allowed on the track with all the beer and liquor-sponsored cars, not to mention all the cursing going on on and off camera.”
10. Matt Kenseth — After qualifying second, Kenseth was optimistic towards a good day in the Lifelock 400 in Kansas. But once the sies opened up midway through the race, his luck failed him. Kenseth pitted under green just before the rain hit, leaving him a lap down when racing resumed. Soon after, his car suffered heavy damage when he got mixed up with Tony Stewart and Martin Truex in a spin created by two lapped cars. Kenseth finished 35th, one of six Chasers who finished 30th or worse, and is 219 points behind Jimmie Johnson, who leads the points.
“Everything that could go wrong for us did,” says Kenseth. “Hopefully, in Talladega, the weather will be stable, drivers will learn to drive, and Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, and Clint Bowyer's engines will expire on the first lap.”
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