Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Minnesota (+1 1/2)
In the Packers' 31-24 win over the Chargers in Sunday's worship service at Lambeau Field, Brett Favre threw 3 touchdown passes, giving him 420 for his career, tying him with Dan Marino for the most in NFL history. "Brett Favre 420" read the headlines in local newspapers, Time, Newsday, The Sporting News, Sports Illustrated, as well as High Times, whose editors never pass up a chance to mention "4:20" and "Packer" in the same article. Favre is playing with a renewed sense of exuberance and new-found joy for the game, and coach Mike McCarthy has surrounded Favre with playmakers on both sides of the ball, something that has been lacking in Green Bay for some time.
"John Madden must be beside himself," says Favre, "which I guess doesn't leave room for Al Michaels in the booth. Things couldn't get much better for me right now, unless I get that call from Ben Stiller to make a cameo as the world's worst actor in There's Something About Mary 2: She's Gellin'. But my focus is on those metrosexuals in the Metrodome, coached by that metro-gnome Brad Childress. I know the Vikes have a good defense, but Coach has put together a pretty good squad here that I like to call 'Mc and Cheese.' That defense gives me the confidence and freedom to throw the ball anywhere. In the words of heavyweight boxer Randall 'Tex' Cobb, just before Larry Holmes pummeled him for 15 rounds, 'I'll sling leather, darlin'.''"
The Packer's lack of a running game may come back to haunt them down the road, but this week, it doesn't matter. You can't run against the Vikes, so why bother trying? But you can pass on them, which kind of defeats the purpose of having a great run defense, doesn't it? And with quarterbacks like Tavaris Jackson or Kelly Holcomb running the show, that kind of defeats the purpose of the defense even playing. After a scoreless first quarter, Favre hits Donald Driver for a score in the second, and passes Marino, and forever immortalizes Driver as the answer in the Trivial Pursuit board game. Favre then strains a back muscle lifting every single member of the Packers in celebration. Green Bay wins, 23-10.
Oakland @ Miami (-3 1/2)
Oakland should be very familiar with Miami quarterback Trent Green, who played for division rival Kansas City for six years. Oakland quarterback Daunte Culpepper should be very familiar with the turf at Dolphin Stadium, because that's where most of his passes ended up when he played for Miami.
"Look, I had some great times in Miami," says Culpepper. "Usually out on the open water. But I'm under no illusions. I know why I'm here. I had a nice conversation with Al Davis as we drove in his Lincoln Town Car to a shuffleboard tournament in downtown Oakland, just before I had to revive him. I know I'm not here to make spectacular plays and throw for 300 yards. I'm here for one reason and one reason only: to keep the underside of center Jeremy Newberry warm while JaMarcus Russell readies himself for that first snap. I'm no Sheila E.; I'm Daunte C. This taint no 'glamorous life.'"
The Dophins' defense has not played up to expectations this year, as evidenced by the average of 28 points they have given up per game this year. That's just not Nick Saban football. Joey Porter has guaranteed a Miami victory, which is a shocking statement. No, not that Porter made a guarantee, but that he kept his mouth shut for almost four weeks. On Sunday, Jason Taylor gets after Green, with 2 sacks, then challenges Shawn Merriman to a drug test. Miami wins, 27-21.
NY Jets @ Buffalo (+3)
Despite an 0-3 record, and an injury to starting quarterback J.P. Losman, there is still reason to fear the Bills.
"Yeah, O.J. Simpson is out on bail," says a gimpy-legged and sore-armed Chad Pennington. "And now, not only is he looking for the 'real killers,' he's also looking for anyone who has possession of any personal items that has belonged to him at any time in his life. That can be his pawned-off Heisman Trophy, an old Bills uniform, or even any remaining shred of respect anyone has for the man. That could prove even more difficult to find than the 'real killers.' Good luck, Juice. Hope you find what you're looking for ... in Hell."
Is there reason to fear Pennington and the Jets? Well, Pennington is a harmless little fellow, and the Jets' defense is giving up nearly 30 points a game. So, there's really no reason to fear a Jet, unless your that cute-as-a-button Suzy Kolber sacheting along the sideline, attracting the attention of a certain former Jet quarterback, then cruelly shooting down the advances of said quarterback, who, albeit somewhat inebriated, asked for a kiss as politely as a slightly inebriated Super Bowl MVP could.
"There's no denying the history and legendary names of this storied rivalry," says New York coach Eric "The Ice" Mangini. "And there's no denying that the Patriots' video-taping of our coaches signals has left us very cautious. Therefore, our defense will receive signals from the coaches via carrier pigeons. 'Little birdies' are great information transporters."
Mmmmm. Did a "little birdie" clue the NFL in on the Patriots' illegal video-taping scandal? Who knows? And who cares, really? The Jets take advantage of an injury-depleted Buffalo team, and "Broadway" Joe Namath tips Simpson off to the whereabouts of the "real killers," instructing the former Bill to set sail in the Niagara River and "follow the current." New York wins, 21-17.
Houston @ Atlanta (+2 1/2)
Sixty-seven penalty yards assessed to cornerback DeAngelo Hall left the Falcons seeing "red," as a 37-yard interference call and two 15-yard personal foul penalties placed the visiting Panthers in the red zone. The Panthers scored the tying touchdown soon after, and went on to win 27-20. Hall was disciplined by the team, fined $100,000, had a restraining order placed against him by Steve Smith, and was ordered to seek psychiatric help.
"Yeah, I lost control," says Hall. "But I hear this guy, Dr. David Banner, is far and away the leading clinical specialist in anger management. He even had his own television show, so you know he must be good. And, he's a pretty darn good rapper, too. However, I've heard from a good source that Dr. Banner may have had some complicity in a human growth hormone distribution scandal from years ago. It's said that one of his clients, in particular, had a serious problem with 'roid rages.'"
If history had run a different course, Houston quarterback Matt Schaub would still be Michael Vick's backup, current Atlanta quarterback Joey Harrington would be a lounge bar pianist somewhere, tickling the ivories for tip money, Vick would still be an overrated passer, Bad Newz Kennels would be a Fortune 500 company, and America would not have been subjected to the most ridiculous town meeting in history. As it is, Schaub is wearing Houston blue and red, Harrington is in Atlanta red and black, and Vick is sporting basic orange.
"Superman had to bust his tail to change history," say Schaub, "flying around Earth multiple times at the speed of light to change the time continuum. Vick did it by just being related to some dummies."
Schaub should have some success throwing against a Falcons secondary with which he's familiar, but the Texans have injury issues, including running back Ahman Green, who's out with a shoulder injury. Atlanta gets its first win of the season, 24-21.
Chicago @ Detroit (+3)
After a 15-of-32, 195-yard, 3-interception game in a 31-10 loss to the Cowboys, Rex Grossman is set to face the harshest criticism of his short career. He may be running out of chances in Chicago, and maintaining his job as starter may require desperate measures.
"Exactly," says Grossman. "From the point forward, I consider myself a black quarterback, and all criticism of me is unjust. Donovan McNabb is right: black quarterbacks, like myself, just don't get a fair shake. Why, just yesterday, I went to the barber shop to get corn-rowed. They told me my hair was too short. See, I am treated unfairly."
"If people could just walk in Rex's shoes for a day," says Bears coach Lovie Smith, "they'd probably throw 3, maybe 4 interceptions. I'm fiercely loyal to my players, and I love Rex like a stepson, a stepson who's emptied my bank account and slept with his step-mom, but I think the time is right for a change. That's why I'm charging Rex with attempted murder, because he's killing us."
Like their seedy underworld counterparts in Philadelphia, Detroit mobsters Yuri and Alexandr, who control the Russian scene in Motown, blew their chance to disable McNabb last week and watched as the Eagles lit up the Lions for 56. Now they'll turn their attention to the Bears, and the task at hand is not so clear-cut. What's the best way to ensure a Detroit win: take out Grossman, or make the entire Lions' defense disappear?
"Nyet. It's neither," explains Yuri. "We do whatever it takes to make Lovie Smith name Grossman the starter. In other words, we do nothing."
Wrong, you silly Russians. I just watched the USA's 1980 hockey win over the Soviets, and someone asked me, "Do you believe in miracles?" Well, I didn't then, but I do now, because Lovie has benched Grossman. That's got to be a miracle. And a peasant in Ecuador spotted the Virgin Mary in a pile of llama manure. That's definitely a miracle.
Griese gets the "miracle" start, and faces a shabby Lions defense with more holes in it than Lovie's reasoning for starting Grossman for the last two years. Even the fans at Ford Field can't say the "defense" chant without chuckling slightly. Bears win, 30-24.
Baltimore @ Cleveland (+4)
Steve McNair aggravated a groin injury last Sunday, necessitating relief from Kyle Boller, who engineered a late drive to position the Ravens for Matt Stover's game-winning 46-yard field goal. The Ravens are 2-1 heading into the home of their hated rivals in Cleveland.
"I'm a little hesitant to start McNair in the Dawg Pound," says Brian Billick. "Steve is already hobbled, and I don't want to risk a season-ending injury, or worse, have Steve euthanized by sympathetic pet owners who see that his quality of life has diminished to the point of suffering. I mean, the man is held together with courage alone. He's had more surgeries than Boller has starts."
No scouting report of the Ravens would be complete without mentioning their defense, which, although formidable, has shown a propensity to wear down late in games, allowing teams back into games. The Ravens' defense is an aging unit, but Browns quarterback Derek Anderson knows never to underestimate them.
"Ravens defense?" says Anderson. "Check. Always dangerous. But what I really long to know is which FOX game former Raven Tony Siragusa has been assigned to, so I can tune in to hear his wacky game observations while he stumbles around the sideline gnawing on a chicken leg. The 'Goose' is loose. Could somebody please wrangle that beast and take him back to his man-cave?"
Jamal Lewis rushes for 295 yards and 3 touchdowns ... correction ... Lewis rushes for 95 yards and a score. The fired-up Browns defeat the Ravens, 20-19
St. Louis @ Dallas (-11)
Dallas is one of the NFC's two remaining unbeaten teams after last Sunday's 34-10 blasting of the Bears. After a shaky start, Tony Romo threw 2 touchdowns and passed for 329 yards as the Cowboys established themselves as the current clear favorite in the NFC.
"Even Bill Parcells is smiling," says Romo. "I bet Big Bill didn't even realize that Marion Barber was capable of a touchdown over one yard. Anyway, much has been said of our signing of former Bear defensive lineman Tank Johnson. Even our own guys, Troy Aikman and Daryl Johnston, criticized this move. Sure, I know Tank may be trouble, but where else can you find a tackle of his caliber at this time of year? You can't. It gets even better. We're bringing back Michael Irvin, Hollywood Henderson, Nate Newton, as well as Leon Lett to field blocked punts."
The Rams are off to an 0-3 start after their 24-3 loss to the Buccaneers in Tampa. The Bucs held Marc Bulger to 116 yards passing and limited Torry Holt to only 53 yards receiving, his first game under 100 yards in five games against Tampa.
"I haven't been covered like that since the Burger King laid me out," says Holt. "That dude was on me like a cape. But at least the King was kind enough to present me with a flame-broiled Whopper after dropping me. Those Bucs defensive backs weren't so kind."
Shannon Sharpe's NFC Super Bowl pick isn't looking so good right now. In fact, with Steven Jackson out for this game, St. Louis is anything but "Ram Tough" and nothing but "Ram Fluff." Dallas wins, 31-14, behind two touchdown passes by Romo, one of which goes to Terrell Owens, who sprints to the star at midfield and poses, as teammates restrain Roy Williams.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina (-3)
First place in the NFC South will be on the line when the Buccaneers visit Charlotte to face the Panthers. Emotions always run high when these two rivals collide, and with the winner taking sole possession of the division lead, Sunday's game will be no different. With 175 yards on the ground against the Falcons, the Panthers may have found the secret to their success: an offense heavy on the run, coupled with Steve Smith goading the opposition's shutdown corner into acts of extreme stupidity.
"And for dessert," says John Fox, "I'd like two Panther cheerleaders twisted like a pretzel in a carnal embrace, lathered in whipped cream and sprinkled with glitter. What's that? Our cheerleaders have to be in Tampa to perform their 'Toilet Room Tang-o?' Wow! That's what I call a home-field advantage."
"Yo ho ho and a bucket of chum, Jake Delhomme's elbow is going numb," chants Tampa's John Gruden from the crow's nest of the "Black Pearl," his tricked-out, military-style, black Humvee. "It's always a pleasure to drop anchor in Carolina, where crowbars have dual uses: prying open trucks to extract fugitives, and separating Panther cheerleaders. Hey, what do you call a Panther cheerleader with two feet firmly on the ground? 'Land ho.'"
All joking aside, the game is the biggest deal in Charlotte since Ric Flair and the Horsemen ambushed Dusty Rhodes and the Road Warriors at a Waffle House back in 1984. Few expected the Bucs to be in this position, but with an aggressive defense and efficient quarterback play form Jeff Garcia, Tampa is no fluke. Are the Panthers a fluke? The jury is still out. They're 2-1, but those two wins are against winless teams. And quarterback Jake Delhomme has a sore elbow and a limp wrist. Tampa takes over first with a 22-17 win.
Seattle @ San Francisco (+2)
Seattle responded from fumbling away a Week 2 loss to the Cardinals with a comeback 24-21 win over the Bengals. Matt Hasselbeck hit Nate Burleson with a 22-yard touchdown pass with a minute left for the game-winning score.
"I was devastated by the mistake that cost us the game last week," says Hasselbeck. "So much so that I shaved my head. So maybe I wasn't that upset after all. Anyway, my quarterbacks coach challenged me to rebound and come through when my team needed me most, after of course telling me he was twice the quarterback I was. I'd say I responded pretty well to his 'Zorn Ultimatum,' and totally shot down his idea of the 'Zorn Supremacy.' In addition, he didn't like it too much when I told him I didn't even know who he was. That's when he gave me the 'Zorn Identity.' Jim Zorn, former Seahawks quarterback. Who knew?"
San Francisco's unbeaten record came crashing back down to earth, done in by a dominant Pittsburgh defense that held Frank Gore to 39 yards rushing. Gore plans to bust out this Sunday at home against the Seahawks in another NFC tilt for division leadership.
"It's time to put up or shut up," says Gore. "I choose to put up, and hopefully the other three running backs who were supposed to be fantasy studs, Larry Johnson, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Steven Jackson, will shut up."
Gore falls short of 100 yards, but the 49ers take the outright lead in the West with a 19-16 win.
Kansas City @ San Diego (-12 1/2)
Can things get any worse in San Diego? The Chargers are 1-2, Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson are arguing on the sidelines, and Marty Schottenheimer's firing is being questioned more than ever before.
"Yeah, it could get worse," says Rivers. "One of our coaches could take down L.T. and bust his knee, just like Padres manager Bud Black did to Milton Bradley. But I don't see anything like that happening, not just yet. We're two, maybe three losses from total implosion."
Indeed, Tomlinson and his Chiefs counterpart Larry Johnson are running in quicksand in race to see who can alienate their teammates fastest. Like L.T., L.J. engaged in a shouting match with his quarterback, Damon Huard, when things weren't going so well before the Chiefs came back to defeat the Vikings, 13-10. Luckily, Kansas City mascot KC Wolf fired up the Chiefs when he creamed a rogue fan who breached security and ran onto the field.
"Yeah, great tackle by KC," says Johnson. "Although I think the fan was out there for a good reason: he probably had a creative play call he wanted to give us that wasn't as predictable as the rubbish Herm Edwards likes to run."
"There's one Chargers fan I'd like to get my hands on," says Tomlinson. "And that's general manger A.J. Smith. I'd like to give him something I like to call the 'Schottenheim-lich Maneuver,' in which I place my hands firmly around his throat and choke the life out of him. Look, I understand firing Marty because he couldn't win a playoff game. But how is Norv going to win a playoff game that he can't even get to?"
No matter the outcome, one team will still be bickering among themselves. The Chargers get an emotional lift by the return of the San Diego Chicken, who hatches at half-time and KO's KC Wolf with a spectacular drop-kick. Rivers throws for two scores, and the Chargers win, 20-13.
Pittsburgh @ Arizona (+5)
After Matt Leinart's ineffective start to the game, Ken Whisenhunt decided to bench the lefthander and insert veteran Kurt Warner to run the no-huddle offense. Warner responded with 258 yards passing and two touchdowns, leading the Cards back from a 17-point deficit in a game they eventually lost 26-23.
"I call that bringing in the 'religious right,'" says Whisenhunt. "Kurt's deep spiritual conviction and strong right arm give us an edge over the left arm of that heathenistic hedonist Matt Leinart. However, after the game, I'd much rather go clubbing with Matt and his harem than attend a covered-dish social at the church of Kurt. For the record, Matt is still our starter."
The Steelers are the AFC's forgotten 3-0 team, not receiving nearly the amount of attention heaped upon the Patriots and Colts. That suits Mike Tomlin just fine, who cares little for the limelight.
"These guys aren't about media attention," says Tomlin. "When you're a Steeler, it's all about work ethic. These guys know what it takes to win. Most of these guys have Super Bowl rings, so they know what you have to go through to be the best. If that includes a car windshield, so be it. Leinart will be ready after being benched. He's probably never wrecked a motorcycle. Heck, he's probably never even been on one, but he has ridden a 'Harley.' That experience should serve him well when we blitz him unmercifully in the stadium that should rightfully be known as the 'Pink Taco.'"
Leinart and Warner? Pittsburgh defense? Leinart hits the mat, Kurt gets hurt. Steelers win, 27-10.
Denver @ Indianapolis (-10)
If you think Denver's one-game lead in the AFC West will be short-lived, raise your hand.
"If I'm sure?" asks Mike Shanahan. "I'll answer that question, but first I'll need a timeout, but ... not ... .until ... I ... say ... NOW!"
Save the small talk, Shanny. Denver's lead is not worth the paper it's printed on, nor are those $100 bills you carry around bearing the visage of John Elway. Plus, you made one of the most idiotic coaching decisions ever witnessed: going for it on 4th-and-5 from your own 9, trailing 20-14 with four minutes left. Are you Lamont Sanford, because I think I hear Fred saying 'You big dummy!' I can think of two better options in that situation. A punt, for one. And if that wasn't obvious, then you could have thought a little harder and taken the safety. You're down eight, and the field position situation would be much better.
"Are you telling me a 'four-and-out' is worth less than a 'three-and-out?'" asks Shanahan.
Only in the modified Stableford scoring system, you idiot.
Indy's Peyton Manning is known as a student of the game, and is capable of audible-ing his way out of any problem the Bronco defense presents.
"If I wanted to," says Manning, "I could have the Broncos believing we were filming a commercial, with a simple hand gesture and a wink of the eye. Of course, with the correct indicator, that would signal Dallas Clark to find the soft spot between the linebackers and the safeties."
Indianapolis wins, 29-17.
Philadelphia @ NY Giants (+3)
Donovan McNabb has stood by his comments that black quarterbacks face more criticism than their white counterparts. So it was quite ironic when the first three of McNabb's 4 touchdown passes were caught by a straight-up honkey, Kevin Curtis, in the Eagles' 56-21 destruction of the Lions. McNabb silenced his critics, for now, and was lucky to even play in the game, as notorious Philly mobsters Vinnie and Joey had planned to put a "scare" into McNabb, but were sidetracked with a "disposal" job.
"Yeah, we were gonna leave a little something for Donovan to wake up to," says Joey. "It was either going to be a horse's head, a bushel of oranges, or Rush Limbaugh. Fortunately, we got called to another job, and Donovan had the best game of his career. But we're still watching him."
Indeed. McNabb recorded the highest possible quarterback rating of 158.3, then took a post-game jog in his gray sweats up the steps to the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
"Just to clarify for Donovan," says Eli Manning, "a white quarterback can't have a higher rating."
The loser of this game could fall a full three games out of the NFC East lead, and would also have two division losses. Desperate times call for desperate measure. Giants coach Tom Coughlin calls for a group hug, and McNabb seeks words of encouragement from Terrell Owens. Eagles win, 31-27.
New England @ Cincinnati (+7)
The Patriots are caught spying, fined $750,000, and they proceed to dismantle the Chargers, 38-14. The following week, the NFL announces it has destroyed all of the evidence in the spy scandal, and the Patriots then methodically terminate the Bills, 38-7. Pray tell, what bad luck must befall the Patriots this week, and how does that bode for the Bengals?
"Better than you think," says Marvin Lewis. "If destruction of video tapes can bring the Patriots good luck, then why not us? That's why we're having the all the police videos from our players' arrests destroyed. It should be quite a show, and the bonfire will provide lighting for Monday's game."
New England has been riding the Tom Brady to Randy Moss connection to the tune of five touchdown already this year. Moss looks by far to be the best trade bargain of the year, acquired from the Raiders for a fourth-round pick. Of course, we've all questioned Oakland's stupidity in making the deal, but what does it say about the level of Moss' laziness as a Raider? But we'll let Joe Buck fret about that. Let's enjoy this game. We've got arguably the two most entertaining and controversial receivers in the game, Moss and Chad Johnson. Moss is known for his touchdown celebration in Green Bay in which he simulated "mooning" the fans, while Johnson is known for each of his TD celebrations.
With Rudi Johnson questionable with a knee injury, the Bengals must rely even more heavily on their passing game. And, with their entire defense listed as "questionable," Brady might just complete every pass he throws. It's a shootout, but the Patriots have automatic weapons, and the Bengals make a great target. Brady connects with Moss, and Laurence Maroney rushes for 140 yards. New England wins, 42-27. Johnson catches a second-quarter scoring pass from Carson Palmer, then poses with Bengals defensive coaches for a photo taken by a mysterious cameraman stationed on the Patriots' sideline.
Last week: 9-7 (straight up); 6-8-2 (against the spread)
Overall: 29-19 (straight up); 18-25-5 (against the spread)
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