Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ Baltimore (-7)
Matt Leinart's experience with "Ravens" is limited to the "Raven's" he's encountered on his numerous visits to gentlemen's clubs across this great nation. While the young Cardinal quarterback may have had his way with those Raven's, he won't be so lucky against the defense of the Baltimore Ravens.
"Let's hope not," says Leinart. "That stuff is a crime in most states. I can't imagine getting a lap dance from Ray Lewis, and I doubt Steve 'Repair' McNair could work the pole without injuring himself."
Win or lose, Baltimore apparently is not a favorite of NFL officiating crews. In Week 1, a phantom offensive interference call may have cost the Ravens a chance to force overtime against the Bengals. Last week, Brian Billick accused the Jets of illegally simulating the snap count, causing several Raven procedure penalties. So, does that mean there is a way to "legally" simulate the snap count. Billick said he wasn't "complaining," but the Jets tactics were "illegal." Somebody cue the Air Supply music, please.
"Look, I'm not whining," says Billick. "And cut that Air Supply music. I know it's hard to believe that there are cheaters in the NFL, but there are. I'm far from innocent. My ego's been on human growth hormone for six years, since the Lewis', Ray and Marvin, won me a Super Bowl. And I cheat regularly when I play Yahtzee."
Athletic tape is no longer useful in bandaging McNair. Duct tape is the only thing that can hold him together now. No matter who plays at quarterback for the Ravens, whether it be McNair or Kyle Boller, the team won't score 30 points. And with their defense, they won't need to, unless the offense turns the ball over six times. Baltimore establishes the run, and Willis McGahee breaks 100 yards. Leinart has success through the air, but the Ravens defense holds when it needs to. Baltimore wins, 22-17.
San Diego @ Green Bay (+4)
Was the Chargers' 38-14 loss to the Patriots embarrassing? I don't mean 'wear-your-shorts-in-public-and-your-wife's-panties-are-stuck-to-your-velcro-pocket-flap' embarrassing, but 'Marsellus Wallace-bent-over-a-pommel-horse-in-Pulp Fiction' embarrassing. That embarrassing.
"You're exactly right," says Phillip Rivers, whose passer rating for the game was officially listed as 'Rex Grossman.' "I'd say it was 'fire-you're-head-coach-after-a 14-2-season' embarrassing. Or, you could say it was 'draft-Ryan Leaf-second-overall' embarrassing. Even better, it was 'lose-the-Super Bowl-49-to-26' embarrassing. If the Patriots were video-taping our coaches giving signals, then I'd like to see the tape, because I think we missed every one."
The Packers are 2-0, atop the NFC North with Detroit, and Brett Favre can't hide his excitement.
"Man, I'm tickled to death," says Favre. "My spit cup is overflowing with excitement. I wish I could see Vince Lombardi in this atmosphere, if not for any other reason than to see him in Bermuda shorts and a tank top. When Vince coached here, I don't think it got above 32 Fahrenheit in September. I can hear him now: 'What the hell is going on here?!'"
The Chargers are giving four points, but that number could be much higher. It's a deflated line due to the Packers' 2-0 start and the Chargers' blowout loss. The San Diego defense is struggling, and the Green Bay defense is one the experts like to say "flies to the ball." Well, I guess that's better than a defense that "casually skips" to the ball. The Packers keep it close for three quarters, but LaDainian Tomlinson's second score of the day gives the Bolts a 24-14 win.
Indianapolis @ Houston (+5)
The Texans are 2-0 for the first time in franchise history, setting the stage for Sunday's showdown in Houston against the undefeated Colts, with the winner taking the lead in the AFC South. Houston beat the Colts last December, the Colts' last loss before they ran the table to the Super Bowl.
"Well, dadgum," says Peyton Manning. "Here's hoping another loss to the Texans propels us to the Super Bowl title again. Of course, that loss was to the David Carr-quarterbacked Texans. Now, the Texans are led by Matt Schaub, who, like a good quarterback, knows how to get rid of the ball before taking a sack. And he doesn't have a silly hairdo like that Soprano do that Carr sports."
Sure, this game means more to the Texans than the Colts. Even with a loss, Indy knows they can somehow eke out a division title by four games come January. Houston will play inspired ball, but without Andre Johnson, who will Schaub throw to? The Colts get their revenge with a 34-27 win.
Minnesota @ Kansas City (-2½)
Do you think either offense will score in this game? The Chiefs have found the end zone once in two games, while the Vikes have scored only two offensive touchdowns. In fact, the Minnesota defense has scored one more touchdown than their offense, and are second in the NFL in takeaways.
"Indeed, the offense is having trouble scoring," says safety Darren Sharper. "But we've got a cure for that: a boat ride. And if we can get Larry Johnson to display his rhyming skills on our next cruise, then Isaac the Bartender says all drinks are on the house."
That may have been an impostor claiming to be Johnson who rapped on the mike, just as it may have been an impostor in that No. 27 jersey who's rushed for only 98 yards on 26 carries.
"No, that's the real L.J.," says Johnson. "Normally, after two games, I would have had 98 carries, not yards. Maybe my legs are shot. Now you see why I was so anxious to sign that contract extension. All it takes is one trip to get to the bank. That's what you call rhymin' and stealin'."
Johnson won't be able to run against the Vikes, who boast one of the NFL's best run defenses. The Chiefs will have to resort to the pass, which gives Minnesota a pretty good chance to score. The Vikings defense comes up with three turnovers, and Adrian Peterson rushes for a score. Vikings win, 20-13.
Buffalo @ New England (-15)
The Patriots issued a statement in their 38-14 demolition of the Chargers: the fallout from the illegal video taping of a Jets coach is behind them, and, if you need a bootlegged CD or DVD, they've more than likely got it in their collection.
"Grateful Dead, 1981, Russelsheim, Germany?" says Tom Brady. "Got it. Terminator recorded in 1984 at a 75-seat theater, on Beta? Got it."
How about "Giselle Bundchen, 2007, showering?"
"Had it," replies Brady. "Destroyed that, and many others, in a panic in the Jets' video scare. I didn't realize when the NFL requested all of our film, they only meant film of a football nature."
Whatever your video needs, the Patriots probably have it. However, if you're looking for game video of a Buffalo win in 2007, that's currently under production. And it surely won't happen on Sunday, not against the Patriots, who, if they aren't peaking now, surely don't leave the rest of the league much hope. And they've been dominating without Rodney Harrison and Richard Seymour.
Early in the first quarter, Randy Moss, making chit-chat, asks Bills cornerback Terrence McGee if he's familiar with the hit USA Network show Burn Notice." Before McGee can reply, Moss is by him for a 45-yard score. Later in the game, Bills quarterback J.P. Losman experiences interference in the speaker in his helmet. Instead of signals from the coaches, Losman hears the Goo Goo Dolls' "Dizzy Up the Girl" in its entirety.
Ironically, this breakdown in communication results in Buffalo's most consistent offensive plays to date. Losman connects on a bomb to 1968 Olympic 400m gold medalist Lee Evans. The Bills still lose 31-14, and the Foxboro crowd enjoys the show on the Jumbo-Tron, in which a video of Belichick writing a $500,000 check is played on a continual loop. The Bills' return to Buffalo to find O.J. Simpson in their Hall of Fame demanding the return of his stolen memorabilia.
Miami @ NY Jets (-3)
Is it time for the Jets' yearly quarterback controversy? Kellen Clemens got the start over the injured Chad Pennington, and nearly led the Jets to the tying touchdown late in the fourth quarter, and would have, were it not for the buttery fingers of receiver Justin McCareins.
"There is no quarterback controversy," says Eric "The Ice" Mangini. "How can you have a quarterback controversy and not have Vinny Testaverde involved in it? Vinny was an informant for the Patriots not too long ago, so we had to have him wacked."
The Dolphins held a 13-10 lead early in the third quarter that disintegrated into a 37-20 loss to the Cowboys. Trent Green threw four interceptions and fumbled twice, once while attempting to spike the ball.
"Look, Trent is our quarterback," says Cam Cameron. "There is no controversy in Miami, especially since Dan Marino has adamantly refused a comeback. Trent's still learning this offense, and his hand-hand coordination is still a little off. Once he's able to get the square block in the square hole and the round block in the round hole, I think you'll see a vast improvement."
During Miami's Saturday walk-through, Green wanders away from the Meadowlands complex, later to be found in Central Park playing chess. He makes it back for Sunday's game, but he faces a Jets defense intent on recording its first sack and first takeaway of the season. The Jets pressure Green from all angles, forcing three turnovers. New York wins 23-13, giving the state of New York its first win of the year.
Detroit @ Philadelphia (-6 1/2)
Heroic efforts in Detroit are usually reserved for KISS concerts in Cobo Hall, but Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna offered his name to Detroit lore by returning from a concussion in the Lions 20-17 overtime win over the Vikings. Okay, maybe his name won't be mentioned in the same breath with Gordie Howe, or Ace Frehley, but Kitna's effort was impressive to many, especially backup quarterback Dan Orlovsky, who called Kitna "the best quarterback in the NFL." Orlovsky was then diagnosed with a concussion of his own, with a side of sheer stupidity.
"Yeah, I know Jon's got four fewer rings than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning combined," says Orlovsky. "But Jon's got something I call the equalizer: it's a pair of brass knuckles. When he puts those on, he's got four rings, too. I know for a fact that Brady and Manning can't take a punch, and definitely couldn't return to a game after a concussion."
"You're telling me that Kitna was injured, and he came back in the same game?" asks Donovan McNabb, who suffers from phantom pains, on occasion, in his ankle, chest, knee, and wherever you get a sports hernia. "Wow! I'm impressed. Somebody toss that guy a squid."
McNabb and the Eagles will look for their first win this year, and McNabb will look for some consistent quarterback performance that will make his critics forget that he's black and forget that he sucks right now. Kitna has all of Detroit believing in the Lions, and Matt Millen knows the Lions are one win away from securing his job for another year. Kitna passes the Lions to a 27-23 win.
San Francisco @ Pittsburgh (-8½)
The Steelers opened as 8½-point favorites over the 49ers, or is that 8½ the number sizes that Barry Bonds' head increased from his years as a Pirate to his current time as a Giant?
"Take the over," says Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin. "Bonds is the only player whose bobblehead doll is in exact proportion to the real thing. Enough about baseball. I don't want to hear about the Pirates unless Willie Stargell's at the plate and 'We Are Family' is playing over the speakers. Our focus is on the 49ers. They're a very good team and well-coached. We have nothing but respect for the 49ers, and we fully support their alternative lifestyles."
The 49ers survived a last-second field goal miss against the Rams to remain undefeated, and currently hold the status as the NFC's luckiest 2-0 team. If teams qualified for the Super Bowl based on that merit alone, then the 49ers would face the Broncos for the title. San Francisco coach Mike Nolan offers no apologies, though.
"I need only apologize for one thing," says Nolan. "And that's for looking so damn good in a suit. I know the citizens of Pittsburgh love their Steelers, but every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man."
Are the 49ers for real? They are, but only in the NFC West. This is the AFC North. San Fran gives a valiant effort, but the Steelers prevail, 24-17.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay (-3½)
Should there be cause for concern in St. Louis? After Jeff Wilkins' 56-yard field goal clanked off the crossbar, the Rams are 0-2 and in last place in the NFC West. Marc Bulger is fifth in the league in passing, but has been sacked 8 times, and will be lucky to last the duration of the season. Orlando Pace is out for the season and the rushing attack has suffered, allowing teams to tee off on Bulger.
"If our offensive line was an invisible fence," says Bulger, "then Orlando was the electricity. Without him, it lets anything through. If my line was a condom, I'd be pregnant. If things don't improve, I'll soon be lying in the fetal position."
It's clear that the Buccaneers have found their quarterback in Jeff Garcia, and it's clear that wherever Garcia goes, he's a winner. Show me one person who doesn't agree with that who's not Terrell Owens.
"Oh boy, not the subject of T.O. again," laments Garcia. "I'm just glad to be in a place where my teammates respect me for who I am. My relationship with T.O. went downhill when he found out I was president of a homeowners' association. He misinterprets everything."
The Buccaneers win 24-20 behind another two touchdown passes from Garcia. After the game, Bucs cornerback Ronde Barber praises the leadership ability of Garcia.
Jacksonville @ Denver (-3)
Little ditty, about Jack and Shanahan, two AFC coaches doing the best they can. Jackie's got a team that watching is a bore. Shanny calls time outs, so the Raiders can't score.
"Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill, of [John] Elway is gone," sings Mike Shanahan. He walks on.
Shanahan is living proof that assholes can be a success in this league. Even if they have to resort to silly acts of gamesmanship to achieve that success.
"Hey, don't hate me because I'm an asshole," pleads Shanahan. "Since when has Sebastian Janikowski been the good guy in any situation? He's a creep. Look, I could have called the timeout to ice him, or I could have told him his latest shipment of GHB was backordered. I figured with the timeout, I wouldn't have to talk to him. I've heard that when you just talk to Janikowski, you run the risk of suddenly feeling woozy and ending up in his car, defenseless. I didn't want to go there."
Jack Del Rio and crew haven't found their rushing game groove, and you definitely can't throw on Champ Bailey and the Broncos. Jason Elam again leads the Bronco charge, with three field goals. Denver wins, 16-12.
Cleveland @ Oakland (-3)
A spectacular goal-line stand by the Browns preserved a 51-45 win over the Bengals last Sunday. Actually, it wasn't a goal-line stand, it was a interception by Leigh Bodden at the 27-yard line that allowed the Browns to get their first win. But, in a 51-45 game, the 27 might as well be the goal line. Derek Anderson put the calls for Brady Quinn to rest, temporarily, with a 328-yard, 5-touchdown performance against the 11 players the Bengals had on the field posing as a defense.
"I've seen those blocking dummies at the NFL Skills Competition play better defense," says Anderson, an Oregon State alum who goes by the nickname 'The Beaver Cleaver' when he carves up defenses for five scores. "Brady will get his chance, sooner than he thinks. Heck, we traded our Week 1 starter the following week. I could be gone by game time."
The Raiders fell victim to some gamesmanship from that snively Bronco coach Mike Shanahan, who called a timeout just before the snap on Sebastian Janikowski's 52-yard field goal. Janikowski nailed the kick, which would have given the Raiders an overtime win, but he was forced to rekick and missed. Jason Elam later won it with a 23-yard kick.
"You think you have victory in the grasp of your arthritic, spindly fingers," says Raiders owner Al Davis. "Then, like a thief in the night, it's snatched from the clutches of your buggy-whip arms. Raiders fans know the feeling. It's just like having your team in Oakland moved to Los Angeles."
The Raiders defense has an achievable goal ahead of them — hold the Browns under 51. Mission accomplished! Oakland wins, 29-23. Cleveland's Braylon Edwards channels Chad Johnson when he attempts to leap into the end zone of the Black Hole after a score, but is stopped short by by a health official who gives the Black Hole a failing sanitation rating.
Cincinatti @ Seattle (-3)
My vote for boneheaded play of the week goes to Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander, who botched a handoff and fumbled late in the fourth quarter in Arizona, which eventually led to Neil Rackers' game-winning field goal in the Seahawks' 20-17 loss.
"Throw in a clumsy fat guy, a hammer, a poke to the eye, and some unmistakable theme music," says Mike Holmgren, "and you've got the makings of a Three Stooges episode. We can't have mistakes like that by our veterans if we have any intentions of winning the West with a 7-9 record."
Chad Johnson survived a leap into the Dawg Pound in Cleveland, but the Bengals as a team were a 51-45 casualty in Cleveland. After his second touchdown catch, Johnson leapt into the Dawg Pound and was, for the most part, offered a nice greeting, except for one fan who dumped a beer on Johnson. Have you Cleveland fans no pride? You should have drank the beer, and poured, I don't know, lighter fluid, maybe, on Johnson. You Dawg Pounders are too well-behaved to have lit it, though. Does Cincy play at Oakland this year? But seriously, Johnson's previous touchdown celebration, when he attempted to jump into the Dawg Pound, but was "saved" by T.J. Houshmandzedah, was more entertaining. That, among his other co-starring roles, should earn Houshmandzedah a lifetime achievement award for the category of "best supporting actor in a Chad Johnson touchdown celebration."
Houshmandzedah has 100 yards receiving and a score, and the Bengals, who apparently had some bullets left over from their shootout in Cleveland, win this one, 34-31. Chad Johnson scores a TD, and celebrates by igniting the football, going to his knees, and doing his best Jimi Hendrix impression.
Carolina @ Atlanta (+4)
What jumps out at you the most about the Panthers' home-opening loss to the Texans last week? Was it the fact that the Panthers' vaunted front seven had no sacks of Matt Schaub, and very few pressures? Or was it the fact that of 17 Panther first downs, only one was accomplished via the running game?
"None of those," says Steve Smith. "What shocked me most was what I saw on the scoreboard: Texans 34, Steve Smith 21. I don't think I could score any more points for this team. That is, unless our defensive backfield played for the other team. Then I could definitely score more."
The Panthers won't have to contend with Michael Vick, who's always given them trouble. But they will have to contend with Joey Harrington, who's always given the Falcons trouble. The Falcons have struggled offensively, with only 10 points scored in two games. But help is on the way. Atlanta signed 47-year old kicker Morten Anderson, mostly to shore up a erratic kicking game, but also to sit some of the younger Falcons on his lap and regale them with stories of yesteryear, of a time of loose women, speak-easies, cheap booze, and helmets with no facemasks. And former Jacksonville quarterback/pain in Jack Del Rio's rear Byron Leftwich signed with Atlanta, giving them a second quarterback who has no business playing in the NFL.
So, will the Panthers continue their roller coaster ways? Up one week, down the next, making their fans want to vomit at the end? You bet. Last week was a down week; it's time for an up. Smith is his usual self, with a score, and Julius Peppers has his name mentioned during the game for the first time this year, with two sacks. Steve Smith, I mean Carolina, wins, 23-17.
NY Giants @ Washington (-3 1/2)
After battling the Packers to a near-stalemate, trailing 14-13 in the fourth quarter, the Giants surrendered 21 points and lost, 35-13. The Giants are 0-2, and have given up an average of 40 points in those two losses. The offense has been sporadic, the defense has been atrocious, and their list of critics includes more than just the name of Tiki Barber.
"What we need is motivation," says Michael Strahan, the lucky recipient of not a single Brett Favre laydown last Sunday. "And I'm not talking about the kind of motivation Tom Coughlin can offer, which always seems to involve yelling and sprinting. What we need is a cocaine-fueled pep talk from the original 'L.T.,' Lawrence Taylor, in which he mentions crazed dogs, China White, sex with multiple women, and rips a lightning-bolt earring from his lobe and eats it. If L.T.'s not available, then golf analyst Dottie Pepper is certainly welcome to label us 'chokin,' freakin' dogs.' If she's tied up, then FOX sideline reporter Pam Oliver can get our attention by calling us quitters to our faces. Wait, hasn't she already done that?"
Yeah, she did, but still managed to look pretty darn cute doing it, too.
After beating the Eagles 20-12 in Philadelphia, the Redskins are off to a surprising 2-0 start.
"I know all you doubters out there might be demanding a recount," says Joe Gibbs, "but it ain't going to happen. I've got the President's word on that."
Washington wins, 27-20.
Dallas @ Chicago (-3)
Tony Romo is a hero in Dallas, while Rex Grossman is practically a villain in Chicago. Romo's had to live down one mistake in his career (the fumbled snap of a potentially game-winning field goal at Seattle in the playoffs last year), while Grossman has to live down mistakes on a weekly basis. Grossman is rarely seen with a woman; Romo can't go anywhere without country sprite Carrie Underwood on his arm.
"I call that 'sporting 'Wood,' says Romo, proudly.
Grossman may not have the support of fans, but head coach Lovie Smith continues to stand by the beleaguered quarterback.
"Rex Grossman is our quarterback," says Smith. "The jury is still out on whether he's a mental midget. If he wants to make this game a personal battle with Romo, that's his right. We just need him to make plays, not mistakes. Romo's a good example of a guy who doesn't let mistakes bother him. And he knows how to improvise. Rex needs to show the same type of improvisation on the fly that some of his teammates do, like Devin Hester reversing direction on a punt return, or Lance Briggs reporting his Lamborghini stolen after he wrecked it. It's that kind of quick thinking that makes champions."
Remember last year, when the 3-0 Seahawks came to Chicago on a Sunday night all hot to trot. Well, they got whipped 37-6. The Bears won't spank the 'Boys that bad, but expect them to dominate. Every three games or so, Rex Grossman decides to play a smart game. It's about that time. Grossman throws for two scores against the shaky Dallas defense, and the Bears defense gets physical, which means the Dallas offense gets horizontal. Chicago wins, 31-20.
Tennessee @ New Orleans (-5 1/2)
Oh when the Saints, oh when the Saints, oh when the Saints go marching in (to the end zone, finally, it won't be until their seventh quarter of the season). That's how long it took the Saints to score an offensive touchdown, when fullback Mike Karney crossed the threshold to paydirt. The Saints' celebration was somewhat subdued, but that's to be expected, especially since they trailed 28-0 at the time.
"Sure, things look bad right now," says Sean Payton. "But New Orleans is all about recovery. This city's been through much worse. 0-2 doesn't even approach the tragedy and trauma of Mike Ditka blowing a whole draft's worth of picks for Ricky Williams, does it?"
Tennessee's Vince Young is not one to post gaudy statistics, unless he's playing USC in the national championship game. But he is a great leader, and always seems to make the plays that keep the Titans in games. As of yet, the curse of being on the cover of the "Madden '08" video game has yet to manifest itself.
"Well, that's not totally true," says Young. "I feel a sudden uneasiness about flying creeping into my psyche, and I'm starting to feel a growing infatuation with Brett Favre. Boom!"
Can the Saints finally get it together and win a game? A third straight loss and fans might start dropping the "S" from "Saints" and brown-bagging it. Young and the Titans will try to run the ball right at the Saints. So far, the Saints haven't shown they can stop it. Titans win, 22-20.
Last week: 10-6 (straight up); 5-10-1 (against the spread)
Overall: 20-12 (straight up); 12-17-3 (against the spread)
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