NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Pt. 1)

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

New Orleans @ Indianapolis

The defense of the Colts Super Bowl win begins and ends with one person — Peyton Manning. Not one to rest on his laurels (unless his two butt cheeks are named "Laurel"), Manning's spent the offseason in a tireless pursuit of perfection. He worked on his timing (hosting "Saturday Night Live"), and his signal-calling (waving the green flag at the Indianapolis 500). Already known as a perfect technician, Manning even worked on his mechanics (tireless repetitions of the "wipe the windshield, elbow your brother, flick the booger" method). Manning is an inspiration to many; you can add to that list booger-pickers with aspirations of becoming NFL quarterbacks.

"Speaking of 'boogers,'" says Manning, "Anthony 'Booger' McFarland, who happens to be a 'nose' tackle, is out for the year. There goes our rush defense. But we're the Colts; we only need defense in the playoffs."

Manning and the Colts will host NFL nice-guy Drew Brees and the Saints to open the NFL's Kick-Off weekend. Like roster cuts at Bad News Kennels, the atmosphere will be electric. Country-pop babe Faith Hill, who's on my fantasy team, will perform (a song), while Indy native John Mellencamp will undoubtedly deliver a politically-charged performance while shilling for Chevrolet vehicles. Oh, and Kelly Clarkson and her trunk full of junk will be there to sing a song heretofore heard only by the 17 people who bought her latest album.

"Wow! What a lineup!" exclaims Reggie Bush. "Thank the lord I'll be in the locker room and won't hear a note. What real football fan gets pumped up by that before the opening game of the season, besides Bob Costas?"

The Colts jump out to an early 7-0 lead, but Saints coach Walter, I mean Gary, I mean Sean Payton has a game plan. That plan is to attack from Manning's left, where rookie tackle Tony Ugoh takes over for the retired Tarik Glenn. A few timely sacks keep the Saints in it, and a 26-23 Indy lead in the fourth sets the stage for a dramatic end. With time running down, Brees hits Bush for an 88-yard touchdown pass, and, as Bush coasts in to the end zone, he turns to taunt linebacker Rob Morris, in hot pursuit 40 yards upfield. Saints win, 30-26.

Atlanta @ Minnesota

What are the results of Michael Vick's plea of guilty in his dog-fighting trial that captured the attention of America all summer? For starters, a federal judge has marked Vick's territory for him — Vick will take the Gravy Train to a prison in December. And Joey Harrington, who hugs his stuffed poodle just a little tighter these days, is the Falcons' starter. Now, Harrington's jersey is worth just about as much as Vick's devalued No. 7, although neither commands the asking price of PETA's limited edition Vick jersey, with the XFL-inspired nameplate that reads "We Hate You" on the back.

"I know I've got big shoes to fill," says Harrington. "I know it will be a tough task. The ladies are always saying how small my feet are. I can only go out there and perform to the best of my ability, which eventually will lead to a backup role with another team, where I'll be thrust into a starting position due to unforeseen circumstances with the starting quarterback."

In Minnesota, optimism is ... well, it's a word you don't hear very often, unless you're referring to the players expectations for their next cruise on Lake Minnetonka. The Vikes return most of the pieces of last year's stellar defense, but the offense could again be a problem. The wide receiver corps is thin, and second-year quarterback Tavaris Jackson will have to learn on the job. Jackson has overcome adversity before; he survived a tough upbringing in Gary, Indiana surrounded by his weird Uncles Michael, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Randy, and freaky Aunts Janet and LaToya.

"Nope. No relation to those Jackson's," says Jackson, who briefly experimented with wearing a glove on his throwing hand. "I come from the band of Jackson's from Montgomery, Alabama. Like the Gary Jackson's, the Montgomery Jackson's are fond of plastic surgery. However, they do it to only to hide their identity for legal reasons. Never for aesthetic reasons."

Chester Taylor and rookie Adrian Peterson combine for 124 yards and a score. Antoine Winfield returns a Harrington interception for a score. Vikes win, 23-14.

Carolina @ St. Louis

Expectations are high in Charlotte, but aren't they always? The Panthers feature two players, wide receiver Steve Smith and defensive end Julius Peppers, who arguably present the most difficult matchups for opposing defenses and offenses than any other stars in the league. But Panther supporters are also excited about the acquisition of backup quarterback David Carr, a name fans can yell on the 16 to 18 occasions per season in which Jake Delhomme's errant play begs for his benching. For the last three years, coach John Fox has interpreted shouts of "Put Chris Weinke in" to mean "Leave Delhomme in, at all costs."

"There hasn't been this much excitement about a 'Carr," explains Fox, "since Rae Carruth holed up in the trunk of one back in 2000. David brings mobility, something Delhomme sorely lacks, to the position. Jake has trouble escaping from sacks, including those of the wet paper variety as well as those administered by defensive players. Jake's never been hesitant about pulling the trigger on a pass; I won't be either on benching him."

Once again, the Rams will sport one of the NFL's most dynamic offenses, featuring Marc Bulger, Steven Jackson, and Torry Holt, and a defense that is specifically geared to keep that high octane offense on the field. Coach Scott Linehan, who has yet to enter the Edward Jones Dome complex without having to flash identification, knows that the defense must step up for the Rams to reach the playoffs.

"Heck, sometimes I have to take my shoes off before they let me in," says Linehan. "I must say though, that having the luxury of Bulger, Jackson, and Holt on offense makes my job fairly easy. I just wish Mike Martz would stop hacking in to my headset to call plays."

Give the Panthers the edge in defense, and give the Rams a bigger edge on offense. Bulger throws for 265 yards and two touchdowns, and the Rams win, 24-20.

Denver @ Buffalo

There is no quarterback controversy in Denver this year. Gone is Jake Plummer, doing in retirement exactly what he did in football ... nothing. Second-year QB Jay Cutler will be handed the reigns from the get-go. Cutler showed flashes of brilliance last year, but is he the next John Elway in Denver, or will he disappoint like quarterbacks of Denver's past, like Plummer, Craig Morton, and Norris Weese, to name a few?

"That's a good question," says Mike Shanahan. "One that I am not equipped to answer, and will require much investigation. But rest assured. Roc Hoover is on it."

Roc Hoover, you say? Isn't he the soap opera persona of square-jawed ESPN chatterbox and former Bronco offensive lineman Mark Schlereth, who now spies on the bedroom shenanigans that take place in the fictional city of Springfield on the CBS soap opera The Guiding Light?

"Yeah, that's him," says Buffalo's Dick Jauron, who's no private dick. "But we've got our own private investigator working surveillance for us. No, it's not Thomas Magnum, nor is it Magnum P.I. It's Simpson, O.J. We've got him looking for Nate Clements and Willis McGahee, but the Juice isn't taking any new cases until he solves his first and only case, a search for perpetrators he calls the 'real killers.' Apparently, the 'real killers' are on a crime spree that's taken them to golf courses up and down the California coast."

Denver will pound away at the Bills' defense with running back Travis Henry, running behind a line that's particularly adept at crippling defensive lines. Then, the Broncos will look for the deep ball to Javon Walker. Denver wins, 24-17.

Kansas City @ Houston

Longtime Chiefs quarterback Trent Green was traded in the offseason to the Dolphins, leaving Herman Edwards unsure of his starting QB for much of the summer. Training camp started with Damon Huard and Brody Croyle battling for the position, a position which will require delivering flawless handoffs to Larry Johnson about 600 times this year. In August, Edwards made a decision, the result of hours of film study, lengthy consultations with coaches, and a coin flip.

"Huard's the man," reported Edwards, who then lightly penciled the name 'Huard' on the depth chart.

"The fact that Croyle and Huard were battling for the position was the best bargaining chip I could have asked for in ending my holdout," says Johnson, who signed a six-year extension in late August. "I didn't even need a soulless agent with no measurable scruples to make this deal."

Optimism is high in Houston, with the arrivals of Ahman Green at running back and quarterback Matt Schaub from Atlanta. Green is expected to boost the Texans running game, while former Falcon Schaub is being handed the reigns of the QB position, vacated when David Carr was traded to Carolina.

"Look, I'm no David Carr," says Schaub. "Otherwise, I wouldn't have this job. Nor am I Michael Vick. Otherwise, I would have a new one torn by the feds. In fact, I'm the total opposite of Vick. I'm right-handed, I'm a traditional pocket passer, I'm not much on scrambling, and I actually love dogs. Sometimes a little too much. But that's a problem I'm working out through therapy and hypnosis."

Johnson's legs should be well-rested, despite a contract-celebration party that left him weak in the knees. It's light duty for L.J., as he gets the ball only 30 times. A late touchdown pass from Schaub to Andre Johnson gives the Texans a 24-17 win.

Miami @ Washington

Former Kansas City quarterback Trent Green is now in Miami, a fact that he needs to be reminded of several times a day. The last Green can remember, he was traipsing down the sideline in Kansas City last year when he was trucked by a Cincinnati Bengal, who was, oddly enough, stone-cold sober.

"A sober Bengal?" says Green. "Man, I must have been asleep for a long time. What's a Bengals player doing sober? Usually, you can give a Bengals player a six-pack, his car keys, and a George Thorogood album, and he'll end up in lockup. But that's irrelevant. I'm here in Miami to be the quarterback and enjoy the soft turf in Pro Player Stadium. I'm looking forward to playing for Coach Saban."

Sorry, Trent. Nick Saban bolted for Alabama, leaving Cam Cameron, affectionately known to his players as Cam², at the helm. The 'Fins finished 9-7 last year, including wins over the Bears and the Patriots, despite an unsettled quarterback situation.

"Hey, let's not jump to conclusions," says Cameron. "This team had two quarterbacks last year, Daunte Culpepper and Joey Harrington, who are starting for new teams this year. So, there was talent here, but not stability. Trent gives us that stability, as long as he's standing upright."

In Washington, Joe Gibbs is in year four of the project to return the Redskins to Super Bowl glory, or any kind of glory, for that matter. The 'Skins finished 5-11 last year after making it to the divisional playoff round in 2006.

"I know a lot is expected of me, in NASCAR racing and in football," says Gibbs, who's like a father to his sons when he sees them. "I expect a lot out of myself as well. Football is my first love. When I'm on the field, I'm like a kid in a candy store. Sadly, though, like many kids in candy stores, I am often creeped out by a nerdy guy in a suit and tie hovering around the field. He makes me very uncomfortable."

Reigning NFL defensive MVP Jason Taylor, still reluctant to join the Shawne Merriman fan club, will create problems for Jason Campbell, but in a low-scoring affair, all it takes is one bomb to Santana Moss. Redskins free safety Sean Taylor, with first-round pick LaRon Landry by his side, is left free to do what he does best: ignore coverage and go headhunting. Taylor rocks Ronnie Brown on a blitz, leading to a key fumble. Washington wins, 19-15.

New England @ N.Y. Jets

Not since Paul Revere warned of the imminent arrival of the Red coats has there been so much chatter about the arrival of a foreigner in the New England area. Randy Moss is now a Patriot, traded from a Raiders organization where he put the "funk" in dysfunctional. Whereas the British were thumped and sent packing by the rebels, Moss has been welcomed with open arms. He has yet to have a street named after him, but a section in the east side of Foxborough, near the pawn shop, has been dubbed "Foxbro" in Moss' honor.

"What's the effect of Randy Moss in New England?" asks Moss. "I'll tell you. Expectations, afros, malt liquor consumption, and the crime rate just went up. I can't wait to play and/or double-date with Tom Brady. He's a true player. He's got more rings than Saturn and a super model girlfriend. I can't relate to any of that, but he did just have a child out of wedlock. Hey, what do Bridget Moynahan and Randy Moss have in common? Brady's sent both of us on a 'go' route."

The Jets look to be the only team that can remotely challenge the Patriots in the AFC East, and have an unlikely ally in Bridget Moynahan, the mother of Tom Brady's baby, pulling for them. Moynahan named her son "John Edward Thomas" Moynahan, his initials spelling "JET," an obvious dig at Brady.

"You know, I like her style and subtlety," says Jets head coach Eric "The Ice" Mangini. "Bridget was wise to take the high road and pass on her first choice for the child's name: 'Alan Samuel Steve Heath Oliver Lance Enos' Moynahan. That would have been way too obvious."

It figures to be a three-team race in the AFC East. That is, three teams playing for second behind the Pats. Sure, the Jets traded for running back Thomas Jones, but the Patriots are tough up front, and prized free agent acquisition Adalius Thomas will give Chad Pennington nightmares. Brady picks apart the Jets secondary with precise tight spirals, while Asante Samuel picks off a Pennington wet noodle. New England wins, 30-19.