Despite what some people want you to believe, the NFL preseason doesn't matter. It's been said before, but it's worth reiterating. Unless someone gets hurt (which is inevitable), nothing that happens in a preseason game has ever changed how I feel about a particular team. You'll know by Week 6 who is for real and who isn't.
That doesn't mean, however, that the preseason doesn't provide some moments that can be entertaining and thought-provoking. Take Monday night for instance.
DeAngelo Hall shaved "I Own 85" in the back of his head, continuing his trash-talking rivalry with outspoken wide receiver Chad Johnson. Johnson proceeded to catch five balls for 83 yards and a touchdown, thus gaining back ownership of himself.
After calling out Johnson and getting torched, DeAngelo Hall got me thinking; who are the worst players in the league to make mad?
Since the preseason warrants nothing worth getting excited about, here is a list of people in the NFL you absolutely do not want to piss off.
Ray Lewis
Lewis is the most obvious member of this list. He really needs no explanation as to why you shouldn't anger him. There have been NFL players in the past who clearly have a few screws loose, but Lewis is in a league of his own. He hits with reckless abandon and still has enough energy to celebrate every play as if it was his last. Hearing him mic'd up is like uncomfortably watching a really drunk guy ready to fight outside a bar. You don't really know what he's saying, but whatever it is, he means it. And if you think he doesn't, just challenge him. A person that intense doesn't need anything to set him off.
Peyton Manning
Definitely on the opposite end of the spectrum as Lewis, but Manning is deadly when furious nonetheless. Nothing would worry me more as a player than having someone say something really stupid to Manning during a game and having him call audibles the entire game to exploit said player. I can only imagine him on the sideline with an awkward quarter-smile and shaking his head slowly from left to right explaining to a backup fullback how he ended up confusing a certain player than throwing a TD in his direction, then laughing to himself as he sips some Gatorade.
Chad Johnson
Ocho Cinco is a master of self-promotion. He loves to draw attention to himself with his gold shoes, his gold teeth, and his gold Mohawk. He also loves to draw attention to players he thinks he is better than. Take, for example, the list of "Who Can Cover 85 in '05?" Johnson listed all the players who were going to cover him every week, then went on to burn most of them.
Imagine if Johnson were to be provoked the week before the game to the point where he just lost it. He would spare no expense and spend an insane amount of time carefully crafting the ultimate insulting TD celebration. Having invested that much energy in how to embarrass a player, Johnson would take full advantage of his opportunity to put on the ultimate show by burning his man time after time.
Bill Belichick
If the Jets are coached by the Mangenius, what name can be given to the one who taught him? Belichick may be as thorough as any coach in the league, always staying a step ahead of his opposition. What would happen if sweet lady revenge got the better of Belichick, and he decided to completely undress the opposing coaching staff?
Sure, it may look like Belichick already undresses coaching staffs on a weekly basis, but it's all just a days work for him. Given the right reasons, Belichick seems capable of devising a master gameplan that would not only expose the offending coach, but build enough angst towards the coach that the fan base would run him out of town. Meanwhile, Belichick would just tighten the strings on his hoody and go to work for next week with a feeling of satisfaction.
Roger Goodell
Ask Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, and Michael Vick if it is a good idea to piss off the Commish. Since taking the reigns of the league before last season, Goodell has been a one-man wrecking crew, ridding the world of evil-doers, one moronic NFL star after another. I picture Goodell hearing from his security team that Pacman went to the strip club the night before his meeting, then giving Jones a Robert DeNiro-from-"Meet the Parents"-style lie detector test in his office.
He has been very good with the media throughout these black-eye giving scandals, but behind clothes doors, I'm sure Goodell has a mean streak that has a whole bunch of players hoping they never screw up bad enough to see it.
Gunther Cunningham
If you haven't seen "Hard Knocks" on HBO, shame on you. Aside from getting to see Brodie Croyle's smoking hot wife, watching Cunningham spew hateful expletives at players, coaches, family, and friends has made "Hard Knocks," for me, hands down the best show of the summer.
I've spent countless hours in my days swearing at my players in Madden hoping to get better results, but never in my filthiest dreams have I been able to put together a tongue-lashing like Cunningham. I know these players make a lot of money, but it's a good thing because it would take a hell of a lot of money to convince me to let another grown man yell at me like that. Needless to say, watching it inspires me to be a better scolder.
The list could go on forever. Football players thrive on intensity, and these are just some of the few whose teammates, fans, or players might have a chance to benefit the most from a little pent-up rage. The point is that rage and intensity is never there in the preseason.
Starters shrug of bad plays and games because they are just getting reps. Nobodies are in during crunch time. Coaches experiment with things that they know probably won't work, but what the heck, it's the preseason. There is no urgency, no passion, and unfortunately, no pissed-off players.
Good thing that will all change in a few short days.
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