Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon — Although he didn't spin himself, nor was he spun by Matt Kenseth, Gordon still seems to be spinning his wheels as the start of the Chase draws nearer. At Bristol, Gordon fell a lap down when he pitted under green just before a caution flew, then suffered rear-end damage when he was sucked in to a wreck involving Jimmie Johnson and Ricky Rudd. He eventually finished 19th, following his 27th in Michigan, for two of his four finishes out of the top 10.
"Who says the racing on Bristol's new surface wasn't exciting?" says Gordon. "There were so many spins out there that I felt right at home. And I'd like to thank Michael Waltrip for helping shear off that damaged rear panel. I don't care what anybody says. Michael really knows how to handle a car, especially at speeds associated with a caution period."
2. Tony Stewart — Stewart finished fourth at Bristol, mounting a steady charge to the front from his qualifying position of 23rd. Stewart benefitted from DNF's from Denny Hamlin and Matt Kenseth to move up two spots in the points to second, where he is 349 behind Jeff Gordon.
"I think ESPN has really stepped up their coverage and analysis," says Stewart. "I especially enjoyed the commentary by Brad Daugherty, who has to be the best former NBA player/black hillbilly announcer in the sport. He may very well be the only one, as well."
3. Carl Edwards — Edwards grabbed his second win of the year, taking the checkered flag in the Sharpie 500 and clinching his spot in the Chase. Edwards led 182 laps and used some interference from wingman Michael Waltrip to overtake Kasey Kahne on lap 336.
"I was surprised Waltrip was racing us so hard when he was three laps down," says Edwards, "and even more surprised it took that many laps for him to go three laps down. Usually, three laps in is enough for Mikey to go three laps down."
4. Denny Hamlin — After starting 43rd due to an engine change, Hamlin made quick work to the front of the pack, serving notice that the No. 11 Joe Gibbs machine would have a say in the top 10. That success was fleeting, as Hamlin reported a battery problem on lap 162, then lost his engine due to a broken spring valve on lap 211. Then, when asked by a trackside reporter about his engine failure, Hamlin put the typical "spin" on his comments, saying nothing about the engine, but dropping sponsor names like they were going out of style.
"Hey, it's got nothing to do with sponsors," says Hamlin. "I just really like FedEx. I can't leave the house without wearing some FedEx gear. I love their clothes, and I'm contractually obligated to wear them. Did you notice the sponsor decals under the hood when it was raised for the car to be towed? Those sponsors have all their bases covered. What's next? Sponsor logos in fire?”
5. Matt Kenseth — With handling issues a race-long hindrance, Kenseth had worked hard just to crack the top 20. Then, on lap 452, he swerved to avoid the spinning No. 88 car of Ricky Rudd, which had been sent asunder by a bump from Jimmie Johnson. Kenseth hit the tail of the No. 88, puncturing Kenseth's radiator, and his night was done. He finished 39th and fell to fourth in the points.
"Who caused more cautions on Saturday?" asks Kenseth. "Jimmie Johnson or David Ragan? At least Jimmie gets other people involved. He's really generous like that, almost to a fault. I think Juan Pablo Montoya was involved in that wreck, as well, which you know had to get Kevin Harvick's racing suit in a wad."
6. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson finished 21st in the Sharpie 500, a lap down to the leaders, as Johnson struggled with handling issues. Still, Johnson moved up one slot in the points to sixth, and, if the Chase started today, he would be co-leader with teammate Jeff Gordon.
"But the Chase doesn't start today," says Johnson. "There's two more races until the Chase. But it is crunch time. Which is a fitting name, because these last two races will be characterized by drivers racing like maniacs to get the win, either to capture the all-important 10 bonus points or to simply qualify for the Chase. So expect car wrecks, feuds, foul language, and strange behavior in California. No, I'm not talking about the race. I'm talking about the Van Halen reunion."
7. Kurt Busch — Busch finished sixth in Bristol, one spot behind Dale Earnhardt, Jr., but further solidified his position of 12th in the points. With two races remaining, Busch leads Earnhardt by 158 points, and trails 11th-place Martin Truex by eight and 10th-place Kevin Harvick by nine.
"Dale Earnhardt in 13th?" Busch comments. "You know what that means? That means the number of Chase qualifiers will be increased by at least one."
8. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex overcame a penalty for a loose lug nut that dropped him to last place, but quickly used shrewd pit strategy, mistake-free driving, and a working DEI engine to power an 11th-place finish. Truex maintains the 11th spot in the points, 166 ahead of DEI teammate Dale Earnhardt in 13th.
"Junior is right," says Truex. "Everyone really needs to lay off on all the criticism of Teresa Earnhardt. I mean, I'm really sick of hearing it. I'm disgusted, appalled, and sickened by it all. Almost to the point where I want to defend her. Silence speaks volumes."
9. Kyle Busch — Busch finished ninth in the Sharpie 500, giving him top-10s in both the Nextel and Busch Series races. On Friday, he finished fourth in the Food City 250, despite having to forfeit second position and fall back to 28th for an infraction NASCAR later said he didn't commit.
"What? NASCAR admitted it made a mistake?" says Busch. "That's a clear indication that Tony Stewart could never be a NASCAR official."
10. Clint Bowyer — Is Bowyer the forgotten man among Chase qualifiers? After finishing third, Bowyer sits ninth in the points, and while he has no wins and only two top-fives, he also has no DNFs, a stat matched only by teammate Kevin Harvick. Bowyer could be a dark house in the run to the championship, as could his two Richard Childress teammates, Harvick and Jeff Burton.
"Look, I'm the only RCR driver with no baggage," says Bowyer. "Burton's driving a practically naked car, and Harvick's still obsessing over Juan Pablo Montoya. Kevin and JPM are headed for a real blowup. Heck, those guys might actually make eye contact soon. Jeff can't show his sponsor on his hood, and NASCAR's not even allowing him to make phone calls."
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