NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 16

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon — After his car failed a qualifying inspection on Friday, Gordon was barred from qualifying and practice, and forced to start at the back of the field for Sunday's race. Putting all that behind him, and buoyed by the birth of his daughter on Wednesday, Gordon pulled out a seventh-place finish Sunday. His points lead stands at 171 after NASCAR penalized him 100 points on Tuesday.

"It certainly was an up-and-down week," says Gordon, "but I'm happy to finish with a positive. It's always nice to come to Sonoma. It's a great facility, I love road racing, and it gives me an opportunity to visit my winery in the Napa Valley. People normally don't associate NASCAR drivers with fine wine, so it's always a bit risky to put your name on a bottle and expect it to sell. Sometimes it doesn't. Just look at Dick Trickle Wineries. They couldn't sell a single bottle, for whatever reason. Anyway, it's great to be in the wine business; before, I defined the word 'winery' as 'what Tony Stewart does when he's upset.'"

2. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin rallied from the 36th starting position to capture 10th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Infineon Raceway. When it became clear late in the race that he could not win the race, Hamlin called in to the pits to see if Joe Gibbs Busch driver Aric Almirola wanted to relieve him and finish the race. Unfortunately, no one was able to locate Almirola.

"Maybe he was out looking for the 'E' that should be used to spell his first name," says Hamlin. "Anyway, I figured I owed Aric for allowing me to take over mid-race. I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like he had won the pole and was leading the race at the time. Oh, that is what happened? Yeah, I guess that does suck. Well, at least I didn't take over for Eric in the middle of a date."

3. Jimmie Johnson — Like the car of teammate Jeff Gordon, Johnson's No. 48 Chevy failed a pre-qualifying inspection, with NASCAR claiming that the front fender had been altered from Car of Tomorrow specifications. Johnson started at the back with Gordon, and nearly made his way to the top 10, but a slow exit from his pits on his last stop cost him. He finished 17th, and is fifth in the points, 366 behind Gordon, after being docked 100 points.

"I guess this is NASCAR's way of throwing a debris caution on Hendrick Motorsports dominance," says Johnson. "How do only two of four Hendrick cars fail inspection when we're all using the same template? I can't even remember the last time I got busted for a rules infraction. Wait. Yes I can. It was last year, when we failed a post-race inspection at Daytona. How'd our year turn out after that?"

4. Tony Stewart — Stewart relinquished the lead with 35 laps remaining in Sunday's Toyota/Save Mart 350 for fuel and finished sixth, while the five cars ahead of him were able to stretch their fuel mileage to the checkered flag. Stewart was upset with the outcome, bitter that once again, a race was won in the gas tank and not on the track.

"I can't explain why my car does not get the mileage that others do," says Stewart. "My car must be carrying some mysterious weight that we don't know about, or maybe that's just me. Damn that Subway! Anyway, it would be nice if a car's speed and not a car's fuel mileage dictated the outcome of a race. Unless I win it; then I don't care who or what gets credit."

5. Kevin Harvick — Harvick seemed poised for the win while running third late, with the knowledge that frontrunners Juan Pablo Montoya and Jamie McMurray would run out of gas before the finish. McMurray did, Montoya didn't, and Harvick settled for second place.

"Who were the idiots were that kept telling everyone that Montoya would run out of gas?" asks a fuming Harvick. "I'll tell you who. It was those TNT announcers and their 'expert' analysis. They weren't even close. They thought Montoya would run out well before the finish; I think Juan actually drove his car home, and did some burnouts on the interstate. Is the No. 42 Ganassi a hybrid?"

6. Jeff Burton — Burton finished third, sandwiched between teammates Kevin Harvick and Clint Bowyer, to give Richard Childress Racing positions 2-4. Burton collected his first top-five finish since winning at Texas, and moved up a place to fourth in the points, 354 behind Jeff Gordon.

"Let me get this straight," says Burton. "The Nextel Cup will be called the Sprint Cup next year? That's going to cause some serious confusion with the American Sprint Car Series and 'sprint cars,' won't it? But I know NASCAR's got a foolproof solution: to sue the ASCS."

7. Matt Kenseth — Not known as a road-course specialist, Kenseth had a rough day at Infineon Raceway, finishing a lap down in 34th place after a first lap spin caused by Kyle Petty put him to the back of the field. Kenseth recovered, but was spun again later, and had to make a late pit stop for gas. He now sits third in the points, 333 out of first.

"Hey, I bet Kyle Petty had some fantastic running commentary when he wrecked me," says Kenseth. "If that microphone would have been in my car, you would have heard some entirely different language."

8. Carl Edwards — Edwards led 12 laps, and was running fifth on lap 107 when he had to pit for fuel for the remaining three laps. His sure top-five turned into an 18th, and Edwards fell one spot to seventh in the points.

"Short on fuel," says Edwards, "but not on teeth. I can still smile about this. Congratulations to Juan Montoya on winning, and congratulations to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for his new Sony endorsement deal. Just what we needed: Dale, Jr. to help the Japanese sell us more of their electronics."

9. Clint Bowyer — After a shaky start, Bowyer rounded out a big day for Richard Childress Racing, finishing fourth to give RCR three top-five finishes. Bowyer is ninth in the points, a comfy 119 ahead of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in 12th.

"As you may have noticed," says Bowyer, "there was no 'Jack Daniels' on the hood of my No. 07 Chevrolet. Instead, we featured the DirecTV paint scheme. Which is sad, because I wanted to show these wine-drinking yuppies what a real man's alcoholic beverage looks like. Heck, I figure if Jeff Gordon has his own wine, I could have my own whiskey. There's the Jack Daniels, Evan Williams, and George Dickel brands; why not a 'Clint Bowyer?' I'm 50%, or 100 proof, sure that drinkers would buy that."

10. Juan Pablo Montoya — Montoya chased down Jamie McMurray late in the race, passing him with seven laps remaining while miraculously conserving enough fuel to reach the finish. The win was Montoya's first Nextel Cup triumph, and further validated his talent on road courses. Earlier this year, Montoya won the Busch race on Mexico City's circuit. The Colombian also became the first foreign-born driver to win a NASCAR race since Canadian Earl Ross won at Martinsville in 1974.

"I rate this win ahead of my wins in the Indianapolis 500 and the Formula 1 Grand Prix of Monaco," says Montoya, known for his passionate will to win, and his short memory. "That's got to be the first time Earl Ross' name has been mentioned since he won that race. He was a great man, and might still be. Anyway, it feels great to beat every single NASCAR star. I hear that Tony Stewart was upset about losing this race. I don't know if he's upset about losing to me, or losing in general. Don't be discouraged, Tony. You've 'smoked' me plenty of times before. This time, you got 'angel dusted.'"