Mocking it All, NBA Style

While Michael Jordan may have been the best thing ever to happen to the NBA, he's probably the worst thing ever to happen to the NBA draft.

Think about it: who do people think of first when they think of draft blunders? It's not Detroit blowing a No. 2 on Darko Milicic over Carmelo Anthony or a point-guard starved Atlanta team passing on Chris Paul for Marvin Williams. It's former Portland GM Stu Inman passing on Michael Jordan for Sam Bowie. Nobody wants to be the guy who passes Inman on that list. We all could live with passing on 100 Carmelos in favor or Darko; we just couldn't take being the numbskull who let the game's greatest performer get away, irrevocably changing the space-time continuum (or something like that).

The NBA draft is a freak show; we all know that. It has become a bizarre pageant of potential over performance, expectation over experience, and tomorrow over today. But the draft shows so much more than that. It shows just how crazy and, sometimes, inept these front offices can be. More than its more famous pigskin cousin, the NBA's draft has the ability to impact teams in a franchise-changing way. Just ask the 1985 Knicks, the 1997 Spurs, the 2003 Cavaliers, or, yes, the 1984 Bulls. Plucking a gem out of the lottery can set an organization up for a decade or more.

And that is exactly why teams think, rethink, and over-think these picks. Greg Oden vs. Kevin Durant could change the face of basketball in the Pacific Northwest for a long time. With so much scrutiny and so many voices screaming for influence combined with the constant fear of letting a guy with upside get away, front offices find themselves handcuffed by over-analysis. With this in mind, I decided to blow past the mock drafts and common sense drafts. Here's how I see the hours of Thursday night (and, in some cases, well beyond that) playing out for the draft's lottery teams:

1./2. Portland/Seattle — As part of a continued effort to convince everyone they didn't decide to use this pick on Greg Oden the instant they won the draft lottery, the Blazers' front office comes dressed in "I heart K.D." t-shirts. Then, when the pick finally goes on the clock, Portland lets the time run out and Seattle becomes simultaneously on the clock. A camera in Portland's war room shows GM Kevin Pritchard completely soaked in sweat as he and his staff animatedly debate Oden vs. Durant.

Simultaneously, Seattle's war room camera shows GM Sam Presti smoking a cigar and playing "Halo III" (this is Seattle, Microsoft sent them an advance copy) against interns at $20 per kill. As the last 10 seconds of Seattle's clock roll off, Portland hurriedly runs its card to David Stern to announce Oden as their pick, while Seattle's noticeably unkempt representative casually walks the card for Durant up at the last second. Pritchard later says, "We did all of our homework on this. We literally didn't know until the last second. Our guy had both an Oden and Durant card, and we gave him an earpiece so we could get in every last ounce of research. Whew, we feel like we needed all of that time to decide we would take Oden over Durant."

Meanwhile, the Sonics' GM had a different take on it. "Yeah, I was in San Antonio still when Seattle won the lottery. I was in an Applebee's and I saw it on TV, so I wrote down 'Kevin Durant, forward, University of Texas' on a napkin. Once I got the Sonics' job, I dropped the napkin off with a homeless guy and paid him $20 bucks to come to New York and give it to Commissioner Stern. I sent my scouting department home for the summer four weeks ago. It seemed like a pretty obvious decision."

3. Atlanta — With the Portland/Seattle wildness finally under control, the Hawks bring a noticeably thick set of selection cards to the podium. Commissioner Stern rifles through them until he comes to the last one, announcing Brandan Wright from North Carolina as the pick. Later, Stern tells Stuart Scott the stack of cards included Hawks' draft snubs of previous years, including Deron Williams, Chris Paul, and Jameer Nelson. Atlanta GM Billy Knight eventually admits "trying to get a do-over" on a few of the past picks, but with that out of the question, he decided to add some length to his frontcourt. "We also talked to Brandan about bringing the ball up the floor and defending other point guards," Knight says. "He seemed really receptive to it. When I asked him about it, he laughed and said he didn't think I was serious. That's how excited he is about being filling our need at point guard."

4. Memphis — While it's not surprising, the Grizzlies are devastated by the selection of Durant by Seattle. "We're following in the path of Jerry West," new GM Chris Wallace tells the team's draft party. "Jerry was the only one who knew his strategy for the draft, but we think we have it figured out. See, Memphis is the home of great barbeque. Therefore, we need really, really skinny guys who either hate barbeque or have superhuman metabolisms and don't gain weight from it. Look at who we have: Pau Gasol, Rudy Gay, Hakeem Warrick, Stromile Swift. All of these guys would topple over in a light breeze. That's why Durant would have been perfect for us." Instead, Memphis has to settle for Corey Brewer. "Hmmm, 6'8", 185 pounds ... we can work with that," Wallace says.

5. Boston — Still convinced his roster is talented enough to win with the expert coaching of Doc Rivers, Danny Ainge trades this pick to the Knicks for David Lee. When asked why he made such an underwhelming trade, Ainge maintains that the Celtics "really needed a veteran to pair with Paul Pierce" and this draft "really isn't that deep. I don't see Kedrick Perkins walking through that door. I don't see Delonte West walking through that door. I don't see Marcus Banks walking through that door. Besides, we need to put ourselves in the best possible position to win next year's lottery and have a shot at our point guard of the future, Greg Paulus."

6. Milwaukee — The Bucks instantly trade this pick to Houston for Mike James in hopes of tricking guard Michael Redd into thinking he's playing with LeBron James, whom he could be playing with had he signed with Cleveland instead of taking more money from Milwaukee in free agency two years ago. Houston drafts Yi Jianlian in the spot, as GM Daryl Morey says, "It seems pretty self-explanatory. The Chinese outnumber us four-to-one and even kidnapped Jack Bauer. The writing is on the wall, so we want to be the preferred NBA team of the Chinese regime when they invade."

7. Minnesota — Facing the pending departure of franchise player Kevin Garnett, the T-Wolves go off the board and take recently born Bryce Maximus James, son of LeBron James. When asked why he would take a player unavailable to play for 19 more years, Minnesota GM Kevin McHale says, "We're not close. Not at all. Plus, if Danny Ainge is going to start the tanking for the 2008 lottery already, we can't let them get ahead. At least they got a player who will play next season. We were able to make a pick that won't help us at all next year."

8. Charlotte — Fully in control of his team's draft, owner Michael Jordan goes off the board and selects soon-to-be Illinois freshman walk-on Jeffrey Jordan. Jordan (the elder) justifies the pick to ESPN, saying, "Everyone knows I mentally abuse young players. I figured I might as well take a guy that has experience getting berated by me for more than a decade."

9. Chicago — Bulls' GM Jim Paxson should be much more upset about this pick. After stealing it from the Knicks in the Eddy Curry trade, the Bulls had visions of Oden and Durant to add to their collection of young talent during the season. But once the lottery bricked out for Chicago and their ideal player, Roy Hibbert from Georgetown, went back to school for another year, the Bulls should have been nonplussed by this pick. But GM Jim Paxson cheerfully nabs University of Washington big man Spencer Hawes. "I know I can just trade him to Isiah for another lottery pick in a few years. If I can find a ball-hogging point guard to package with Spencer in the next two years, we should be fine."

10. Sacramento — Facing a rapidly crumbling roster, the Kings take Florida center/forward Joakim Noah. Many draftniks question this pick with so many talented players on the board (including Noah's teammate Al Horford), but owners Joe and Gavin Maloof shed a little light on their strategy. "Yeah, we know we have tons of holes," one of the Maloofs (does it matter which one?) said. "But think about this: We own the Palms in Vegas. It's way more competitive there than it is in the NBA. So we really have no other choice than to create the ultimate basketball rap tag team, Ron Artest and Joakim Noah, headlining at the Palms for the next three years. We'll basically be printing money."

11. Atlanta — With their second lottery pick, the Hawks seemingly are set to take any of the point guards left on the board. ESPN shows a double-box screen with Stern announcing the pick on one side and earlier Atlanta selection Brandan Wright on the other. To everyone's amazement, Stern reads "With the 11th selection, Atlanta takes (pausing and shaking head), Kansas forward Julian Wright." An otherwise sterling telecast has its rockiest moment here, as ESPN's director immediately cuts back to the studio analysts still in shock. Still, it seemed like a better option than keeping the camera on Brandan Wright as he plunged a fork into his eyeball. Hawks' GM Knight sheepishly tells Stephen A. Smith the next day, "I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but we actually wanted Julian Wright to be our 6'8" future point guard. It's really confusing in there sometimes. I just wish someone would have said something earlier. Who would be crazy enough to try to force a 6'9" forward into the one-spot?"

12. Philadelphia — In the draft's most confusing moment, Commissioner Stern approaches the podium to announce the 76ers' pick (we later learn it is Florida forward Al Horford). However, as soon Stern says, "With the 12th pick in the draft, Philadelphia selects..." the raucous booing of the Philly fans in attendance drowns out the announcement. Michelle Tafoya, placed in the stands to get immediate reaction on the pick from fans, asks a few what they don't like about the pick. "He's a bust, Michelle," one says. "An overpaid whiner," another opines. "We should have taken Ricky Williams," the last concludes.

13. L.A. Clippers (via New Orleans) — After the Saints rejuvenated the city and their franchise by signing Drew Brees and drafting Reggie Bush, the Hornets decide to copy that model. With few free agents available coming off of major injuries, however, the Hornets trade down one spot with the Clippers, getting Shaun Livingston and his ravaged knee in return. With this pick, the Clippers act on a lightning bolt of inspiration. After being spurned by Kobe Bryant, a premier scoring guard who lit up the league for another L.A. team in free agency three years ago, the Clips take Nick Young, a premier scoring guard who lit up the league (the Pac-10, that is) for another L.A. team (USC). "Plus, he's kind of a reach here," Clippers' owner Donald Sterling points out. "We can try to pay him way less than market value."

14. New Orleans (via L.A. Clippers) — Having picked up their veteran with a severe injury to play the Drew Brees role, the Hornets move on to find their Reggie Bush-like young star who may have taken illegal payments under the table. However, New Orleans' brass is stumped when they find that pretty much every college athlete is on the take. Panicking, the Hornets write "Bush" on the card and turn it in, later suggesting that they'll take the next Bush available, whenever that happens. However, in January 2009, the Hornets are mortified when a 62-year-old guard from Texas shows up fulfilling that pick. Fan attendance immediately drops by 70 percent. It turns out the Hornets' new benchwarmer, George W. Bush, isn't very popular in the Big Easy.