NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 13

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon — Starting sixth on the grid, Gordon fought a loose-handling car for the first half of the race, causing him to fall one lap down at one point. However, after numerous adjustments, including track bar, spring rubber, and installation of a child safety seat, Gordon charged to the front and finished ninth. His points lead over second-place Jimmie Johnson is now 152 points.

"With a baby on the way," says Gordon, "racing is secondary right now. Wins don't matter, points don't matter. All that matters is that we get in an out of that delivery room with mother and daughter healthy, in 14.6 seconds or less."

2. Jimmie Johnson — After a mishap on pit row with Kyle Petty, Johnson fell back to 36th while ongoing repairs were being made to his fender. By lap 174, Johnson was in the top 10, and on lap 370, moved into second behind Martin Truex, Jr. But a flat tire 18 laps from the end stopped Johnson's chances of catching Truex, and also ended Hendrick Motorsports' undefeated record in Car of Tomorrow races.

"I would have caught the Bass Pro Shops Chevy had my tire not given way," says Johnson. "Truex or false? Everybody knows it's true. Anyway, congratulations to Truex for not only winning the race, but for collecting the bounty put up by Teresa Earnardt, given to the first DEI driver other than Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to win a race. I already foresee a problem if Truex is DEI's No. 1 driver next year: what will his fans throw when Jeff Gordon wins a race? Bait and tackle?"

3. Matt Kenseth — Starting 17th, Kenseth and crew used timely adjustments and quick work in the pits to improve to fifth by the time the checkered flag fell. It was the sixth top-five and ninth top-10 finish for the No. 17 Roush Fenway Ford, reasserting Kenseth's claim as one of the most consistent drivers on the circuit, and a regular staple at the front.

"Consistent? Regular?" says Kenseth. "You make me sound like an ad for a laxative. Do we have a new sponsor that I'm not aware of? Next I guess you'll be telling me I made a run from the back."

4. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin's fourth at Dover salvaged what was a disastrous day for his teammates at Joe Gibbs Racing. A broken shock led to a 37th for J.J. Yeley, while Tony Stewart suffered damage in a lap 271 crash with Kurt Busch that eventually relegated Stewart to 40th. Hamlin held on to fourth in the points, 217 behind Jeff Gordon.

"Yeley's not the only one with 'suspension' problems," says Hamlin. "I think Busch will face a suspension, probation, fines, and the infamy that goes along with hearing Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" played whenever that incident is replayed. I think all drivers, as well as pit crew members, can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that Busch's reign of insanity won't extend to the Poconos. But I guess we all will have to listen to Stewart strategically accept no blame whatsoever for the incident. But he's my teammate. I love him no matter what."

5. Carl Edwards — A successful weekend in Dover was capped on Sunday by a strong third-place finish in the Autism Speaks 400 for Edwards, who spent much of Monday chasing Martin Truex and Ryan Newman. On Saturday, Edwards led 122 of 200 laps on his way to victory in the Busch Series' Dover 200, which he topped off with his customary victory back flip.

"Yeah, and I also won the Nextel Prelude to the Dream presented by Old Spice dirt late-model race on Wednesday at Eldora Speedway," says Edwards. "The track is owned by Tony Stewart, which would explain the Kurt Busch cardboard cut-outs serving as bathroom attendants in the restrooms."

6. Tony Stewart — Stewart started 30th and had worked his way into the top 10 when contact with one of his nemeses, Kurt Busch, sent both spinning. Stewart hit the wall, then, while in the pits for repairs, was confronted by the No. 2 Penske Dodge and Busch, who nearly hit one of the No. 20 car's crew members.

"Only when talking of Kurt Busch," says Stewart, "or myself, would you use the plural of 'nemesis.' I guess we both have a right to be upset. I think Kurt wrecked me, and Kurt thinks I wrecked him. I could tell he was upset when he pulled along side my pit stall. Like an angry dog ready to strike, he had his ears pinned back. Wait a minute. That wasn't anger. He had his ears fixed like that by a doctor."

7. Jeff Burton — Like many others, Burton had to deal with handling issues for much of Monday's race, but sorted them out and used a timely "Lucky Dog" pass to record a respectable twelfth-place finish. He holds on to the fifth spot in the points, 355 out of first.

"I don't expect anyone to come running to Kurt Busch's defense right now," says Burton. "But what he needs right now is a friend. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm not that person. But while we're on the subject of driver confrontations, let's talk about the incident between Danica Patrick and Dan Wheldon. I could be wrong, but is Danica's little shove of Wheldon getting more air time than Busch nearly running over a pit crewman? I think so. It's a double-standard. If a male driver does the same thing Danica did, he would be called 'feisty,' 'driven,' or 'Tony Stewart.' Danica does it and she's labeled a spoiled brat. Seriously, I think Danica could take that little English tart Wheldon any day, on the track or off."

8. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer's decision not to pit on lap 350's caution cost him a few spots, but his eighth led the Richard Childress Racing charge and was his sixth top-10 finish of the year. Bowyer moves up two spots in the points, from tenth to eighth, where he trails Jeff Gordon by 534 points.

"Hey, I'm not the only one who moved up two spots in the points," says Bowyer. "Michael Waltrip did the same. He went from 57th to 55th, and from minus 27 to positive 52 in points. That's called scoring points at a snail's pace, which is fitting, because that's exactly how Waltrip qualifies."

9. Kurt Busch — Busch's battle with Tony Stewart came to a head on lap 271 when the two made contact, sending both spinning. Stewart dove into the pits for repairs, and Busch pulled wrecklessly alongside Stewart's pit stall, nearly hitting a crew member. NASCAR parked Busch, while somewhere, Jimmie Spencer's right hand was itching to slap someone. Busch finished 42nd and fell to 11th in the points, 620 out of first.

"I can't be the only driver that was confused about the location of his pit stall," says Busch. "I guess I saw the '2' on the sign, but not the '0.' And nobody, and I mean nobody, not even Stewart, challenges me to a parallel parking contest and gets away with it. Call me crazy, and I'm sure you have, but I take my racing seriously, sometimes too seriously. By the way, the new 'Kurt Busch Miller Lite' limited edition straight jacket is now available."

10. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex dominated at the "Monster Mile," leading 261 of 400 laps en route to the first Nextel Cup win of his career, giving DEI some positive press for the first time in a while.

"I'm thrilled for myself and this organization," says Truex, "as well as for Teresa Earnhardt. She's finalizing my adoption papers as we speak. Does my win in any way justify her refusal to acquiesce to Dale, Jr.'s request for ownership of DEI? Only in her mind. But it should mean a nice raise for me."