Remember when McDonald's came out with a "big kids" meal? It was a combo deal that was marketed to those young (and likely obese) customers who felt they had grown out of the Happy Meal phase of their lives; which pretty much meant they were ready for double cheeseburgers and toys that could potentially be swallowed by toddlers.
Growing up, I always felt Saturday morning television had this same progression of maturation. You started with the cartoons with the cutesy characters and the bright colors and the underlying commercialization: the Smurfs, the Snorks, anything from Disney. But as you got older, you began to sleep later, snoozing past those programs in favor of some "big kids" television that came on later that morning. Back when I was a kid that meant an array of live-action "sports" on several different syndicated stations.
There was "WWF Superstars," a wrestling show that featured big-name wrestlers beating the living hell out of some no-names with love handles — wrestlers commonly referred to as "Jobbers to the Stars." There was "Roller Games," a roller derby reboot that incorporated a few Vince McMahonian storylines into actual competition. I seem to remember there being a crocodile somewhere inside the track; maybe I was just on a morning cereal sugar high. There was also "G.L.O.W.," as in "the gorgeous ladies of wrestling," but at that point in my life I was pretty sure that all girls had cooties, so I wasn't going to waste my time with that (especially without the protection of a circle-circle-dot-dot "cootie shot").
But the greatest piece of Saturday morning "big kids" entertainment was without question "American Gladiators." A weekly battle of wills and wits, strength and stamina. A chance for someone who looks like your next door neighbor — if your next door neighbor used to start on his college football team or is a personal trainer at her gym — battling what seemed to be athletic gods and goddesses that were dressed like they just came from a Fourth of July parade in Provincetown.
"American Gladiators" came on the air in 1989 and survived various revamps of cast and format until it ended production in 1996. It's been resurrected by that wonderful time capsule ESPN Classic, which has been playing episodes daily and, naturally, on weekend mornings.
Looking back at this show, it's easy to see how I was hooked as a kid. You had these outlandish personalities with freaky bodies and goofy names, just like professional wrestling. Zap! Nitro! Gemini! Laser! Of course, as the show progressed, the names started to get a little lazy: Dallas, Rebel, Jazz. I'm happy it got cancelled before we were reduced to having Gladiators named Bruce and Jennifer.
You had an awesome Bill "Rocky" Conti theme song. You had elements from other sports — football, most prominently — that added an athletic familiarity. And every single week you had what is the most important factor in a compelling sports competition: an underdog, in the form of that week's victim ... ahem, "contestant."
But in the end, "American Gladiators" worked because of its wide-ranging collection of athletic competitions. It was like watching "The Price is Right": you'd stay tuned just to see if your favorite game was going to be featured that week. And just like I'd sit through that boring pricing game with the yodeling mountain climber to see if Bob Barker would announce that Plinko was next, I would sit through several pedestrian "Gladiator" events just to see a guy shooting Nerf missiles at a giant target while cannon-fired tennis balls are flying at his face.
With that in mind, here are the three greatest and the single worst "American Gladiator" competitions, starting with the best:
3. JOUST: Otherwise known as "adults hitting each other with giant Q-Tips." This was the game where the Gladiator and the challenger would stand on two shaky pedestals and whack each other with padded sticks. Wouldn't most political shows on MSNBC benefit from this format?
2. ATLASPHERE: I'd love to know what chemical enhancement the creator of this challenge was partaking in. The contestants and a few Gladiators are placed inside these giant metal spheres, and they run inside of them like hamsters. The challengers try to roll them onto these "scoring pods," pushing down a button and activating this special effect smoke machine to signify a score. The Gladiators, meanwhile, and going all demolition derby out there, trying to prevent the contestants from scoring. It was the kind of awesomeness you might expect to have seen in "The Running Man," only without the live chainsaws or Richard Dawson.
1. ASSAULT: Simply the greatest and yet the most frustrating game on the show. Contestants had 60 seconds to fire several weapons fitted with Nerf-like projectiles — a crossbow, a rocket launcher, a cannon, a pistol and several "grenades" — at a target above the Gladiator, who is launching tennis balls from an air cannon at them. Simply the most exciting thing on the show, with one qualification: The Gladiators had this giant Plexiglass shield in front of them. To protect them from Nerf rockets. While they're shooting tennis balls from an air cannon. Wussies...
As for the worst event in "American Gladiators" history?
HUMAN CANNONBALL: God, what a stupid competition. The Gladiator is on a pedestal. The contender jumps off of a platform on a rope and swings into the Gladiator. Rinse and repeat. Back in the early days of the show, contenders could do anything to knock down the Gladiator; later, they had to remain in a tucked "cannonball" position, eliminating nearly any spontaneity from the event. It would have been more exciting to watch the contestants read and sign their injury waivers before the taping.
Thus ends our look back at "American Gladiators." I'll leave you with this bit of trivia: Deron McBee, who was the Gladiator "Malibu" in the first season of the show, went on to portray the wrestler "Thor" in a memorable episode of HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
Just keep that in mind if you ever have to establish a link between Larry David and either Zap or Nitro in the Kevin Bacon Game...
ONE FINAL NOTE FOR THE PUCKHEADS
For the few, the proud, the hockey freaks reading this column, please note that I've been hired on as a blogger for NHL FanHouse on AOL Sports. Seriously, it's a must-read for puckheads; the talent writing on that site makes me honored to be a part of it. And remember to check out my columns on the ever-awesome The Fourth Period, which is in full hot-stove league mode as far as the rumors go right now.
Oh, and in case you were wondering: Ducks in seven.
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book is "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History." His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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