Sports Q&A: Celebrating Bonds

Curtis from Muscle Shoals, AL writes, "How can we, as baseball fans, or readers of fictional record books, celebrate Barry Bonds eclipsing Henry Aaron's record of 755 home runs, and maintain our sense of dignity?"

With apologies to Judgment Day and Armageddon, the day Bonds breaks this record may be the most feared date in the upcoming future. If only those Jesus freaks and weirdos who have been warning us about Judgment Day and Armageddon for the last 2000 years would have given us any kind of warning about Bonds, then maybe we could have done something about it.

But now, with the infamous date approaching, there is little we can do to stop Bonds from breaking one of the most hallowed records in sports history, except, ironically, pray for Judgment Day and/or Armageddon. But the odds of either one of those occurring is very slim, although the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Jason Giambi, also known as Perjury, Andro, HGH, and Steroids) have presaged this dark day that will forever scar the good book, the Major League Baseball record book.

But we don't have to take this sitting down (which, by the way, is the easiest way to take an injection of steroids). There are small, simple acts of defiance that will let Bonds, and baseball, know that we won't recognize his record. So, after Bonds breaks Aaron's record, put on your Che Guevara t-shirt, a black beret, raise your first, and revolt!

Wear oversized shirts, hats, and shoes. You know, I worked my entire life to have bigger feet, because you know what they say about guys with big feet: they hit more home runs. But, it just didn't happen for me. Bonds, on the other hand, found the secret to enlarging his feet, as well as his head. Big feet + big head = more home runs. They say Bonds' record will be untouchable, but if the love child of Ronald McDonald and Elmer Fudd plays baseball, watch out.

At your next BINGO game, when you have the win, don't yell "BINGO!" Shout out "BALCO!"

Use the words "implicate," "overwhelming," and "evidence" in a sentence.

Assemble 12 of your peers. Place your hand on the Bible and lie to them.

Tell acquaintances that you've bulked up by taking a substance similar to HGH called "FCV." When pressed, admit that it's simply Flintstone's Chewable Vitamins.

Rename your dog "Victor Conte." Have your dog fetch a stick or bone a couple of hundred times. Then refuse to acknowledge that your dog has ever brought you a stick or bone.

Use counterfeit money to buy a counterfeit ticket to a baseball game, then use more of that counterfeit money to buy a black market Bonds' jersey (10 sizes larger than you would have worn 10 years ago).

Go to the nearest nutritional supplement store and ask the shadiest-looking character there for the "clear" and the "cream."

Fill your bathtub with water and christen it "McCovey Cove." Write the number 756 on a baseball, drop it in the water, and leave it there.

Deny an obvious fact. If you're a male, and someone accuses you of being a male, deny it. Cheat on your spouse, videotape it, show the footage to your spouse, then deny you cheated. As noted connoisseur of buffoonery and tsar of tomfoolery Chick McGee has often advised, you must "deny, deny, deny."

Name your next-born child "Henry" or "Aaron." Name your new pet snake "Barry."

Petition to have the "seventh inning stretch" in baseball games changed to the "fifth inning plead." For further explanation, contact Mark McGwire.

Never say the number "756" again. If asked why, explain that you simply do not recognize this number anymore.

The next time you hit a home run, or do something impressive, point to the sky, and feel confident knowing that since Bonds isn't struck by lighting when acknowledging the man upstairs, you won't be either.

Have an asterisk tattooed on your rear end.

Do you have a question or comment? Were your 15 minutes of fame preempted by a rerun of The Andy Griffith Show? When someone says "Hour of Power," does a drinking game come to mind as opposed to a religious experience? Then send your question/comment/answers and a small donation along with your name and hometown to [email protected]. You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, June 1.