NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 11

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon — Despite a leaky radiator that spewed steam for over the final 100 laps in Darlington, Gordon was able to hold off the charging cars of Denny Hamlin and Jimmie Johnson. Gordon's third win this year was Hendrick Motorsports' fifth in five COT races, and he extended his lead in the points to 231 over Johnson.

"I had a lot to be thankful for on Mother's Day," says Gordon. "My wife will soon be a mother, and it's great to get the win on such a special day. Plus, I'm especially thankful that I'm not employed by Teresa Earnhardt, and even more thankful that she's not my mother, stepmother, housemother, or godmother. If Dale, Jr. wants a job with Hendrick, I'm sure Rick Hendrick can make Casey Mears disappear, even though he's yet to appear this year."

2. Jimmie Johnson — While leading with 29 lap remaining, Johnson opted to pit for fresh rubber during a debris caution. He exited the pits in seventh, and used much of the remaining laps to get by the car of Ryan Newman. Johnson finished third, while teammate Jeff Gordon, who elected not to pit, won in an overheating car that miraculously went the distance.

"Here we go again with the 'debris caution' issue," says Johnson. "I guess it's no coincidence that I was building a huge lead when that 'debris' materialized on the track. And when I say 'debris,' I don't mean Toyota engines. Maybe Tony Stewart's not crazy after all."

3. Denny Hamlin — As has been the case often this year, Hamlin's No. 11 Joe Gibbs Chevy was the class of the field, but once again, circumstances out of his control cost him the victory. This time, loose lug nuts on two occasions cost him, and Hamlin called out his crew after the race.

"I'd like to say my pit crew is unflappable under pressure," says Hamlin, "but I can't. They're 'flappable.' As much as those tire guys handle lug nuts, they should be able to juggle them, then put the tire on. I'm irritated with my team. If I were Brett Favre, I would demand a trade, then deny it later."

4. Matt Kenseth — After starting 31st, Kenseth worked his way to the front, then assumed the lead with a quick pit stop on lap 238. He led the next 29 laps, but a change in the weather ended his quest for his first victory this year. The sun came out for the first time all weekend, making the track slicker and forcing the No. 17 Ford squad to make adjustments.

"Unfortunately, we didn't come here for a tan," says Kenseth. "Obviously, you can look at my skin and tell that. I'm no fan of sunlight, nor am I too fond of garlic. Speaking of blood suckers, I noticed the red Budweiser No. 8 car was looking a little peaked. It looks like the parasitical Teresa Earnhardt has bared her fangs. Kudos to Dale, Jr. for leaving DEI and allowing Teresa to drive a stake through her own heart."

5. Jeff Burton — Burton scored his seventh top-10 finish of the year with a 10th in the Dodge Avenger 500. He holds on to fifth in the Nextel Cup points standings, where he is 395 behind Jeff Gordon.

"I've just got one thing to say after seeing Jeff Gordon pull out that win:" says Burton. "Steamed brocolli, anyone? That definitely was the little engine that could. But it makes you wonder about Hendrick engines. That engine should have let go, but it didn't. They've got to be using something illegal. I'm sure some light investigation will eventually lead to Barry Bonds."

6. Kurt Busch — Busch continued his climb in the points, moving up two spots to seventh with a 12th at Darlington. Busch's teammate Ryan Newman finished fourth, continuing Penske Racing's recent resurgence, while Busch's brother Kurt struggled to a 37th.

"Brother Kyle had a very special message for mother," says Busch. "'Look Ma, no Hans.' Actually, Kyle didn't break his HANS in Darlington. But really, the story of the week was Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s decision to leave DEI. It's great that Dale, Jr. is keeping his Budweiser sponsorship. Let's face it. Budweiser without Junior is like Miller Lite with me."

7. Tony Stewart — It was a day-long battle, but Stewart forged his way into the top 10 with a sixth at Darlington, known as the track "too tough to tame." After starting 26th, Stewart quickly darted into the top 5, but a cut tire on lap 215 knocked him back down to 31st, two laps down.

"People take a simple tire change and blow it all out of proportion," Stewart complains. "I just asked my crew for a 're-tire'; the next thing I knew, people are reporting that I plan to 'retire.' I don't need people putting words into my mouth, especially with my foot in it and NASCAR's foot swinging towards my rear."

8. Carl Edwards — Edwards started fourth and finished fifth in the Dodge Avenger 500, his third top-10 finish of the year. He now stands tenth in the points, 590 behind Jeff Gordon.

"Hey, there was a shakeup in the front at Darlington," says Edwards. "Yeah, I know the Hendrick team won again, but Matt Kenseth was not the highest-finishing Ford for once. I was. Once thing's for sure: Roush Fenway Racing is the most dominant Ford team going today."

9. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer won the pole in Friday qualifying and led the first 17 laps on Sunday before tire wear tightened his No. 07 Jack Daniel's Chevy. He never led another lap, but did finish ninth for his fifth top-10 finish of the year.

"As a driver whose car is sponsored by an alcoholic beverage," says Bowyer, "I feel it's my duty to support the decision of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., whose car is sponsored by Budweiser. I imagine Teresa Earnhardt needs a good, stiff drink right about now, as well as a firm kick in the tail. I'm sure Dale will have no trouble finding a job. He'll have his choice of teams, and should he decide to start his own team, Rick Hendrick has already agreed to pimp out his engines."

10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt's eighth-place finish at Darlington was a distant second on his list of important weekly matters. First was his announcement earlier that he was leaving Dale Earnhardt Incorporated after failing to come to terms with his stepmother, Teresa Earnhardt, on ownership in the company. Also, Earnhardt was docked 100 points for an illegal part in his rear wing at Darlington, and two Phoenix Suns were inexplicably punished for his actions, as well.

"I think Teresa forgets that she's an Earnhardt through marriage, not birth," says Earnhardt. "I wouldn't be surprised if she changes the name to TEI. Or, she could just add an 'L' and a 'V' to DEI, rearrange the letters, and call it 'DEVIL.' Teresa, consider your bluff called."