The Great NBA Search For Mediocrity

It was like participating in my church's Easter egg hunt as a child. They would put two green eggs out into a field and we'd run out into a huge field and try to track them down. No one ever really won — the game just ended and the egg hunt organizers told us where they were. Except the game I played the other day didn't end like that.

I was looking for an NBA player. Not just any player, but one who did it all — scored point, racked up dimes, was a beast on the blocks, and played suffocating defense. It sounds like some great basketball player, but that's not who I was looking for. I was looking for a mediocre player with mediocre averages — seven points, seven assists and seven rebounds a game. Okay, so these aren't exactly mediocre. Seven assists and rebounds is actually pretty good.

So I guess it's unfair to say I was looking for a mediocre player. But I was looking for someone who didn't score much, yet did everything else. It was like looking for a girlfriend — an all-around girl who spread out her talents to different parts of being a good girlfriend, instead of focusing on just one thing.

As my search began, I made a mental image of what this player looked like. I figured he'd be 6-foot-7 or 6-foot-8 with a great basketball IQ. Also, I imagined he was a low-key player — someone who has never been an all-star. And maybe, he even rides the bench once in a while. But one thing I knew for sure — he was a small forward. Small forwards are versatile, get the ball in their hands a lot, and are down in the blocks enough for them to grab a few rebounds. Also, he may be a point-forward — someone like Magic Johnson or even Anthony Mason.

With that, I was off into the world of statistics. I felt like I was almost doing this to make sure my years of taking classes on statistics didn't go to waste. I began to find a lot of "pacmans." I call them "pacmans" because the pie graph pacman's face makes represents two of the three statistical categories in which these players were strong. Unsurprisingly, it was typically points and rebounds or points and assists. The best points/rebounds players were Kevin Garnett and Dwight Howard. The best points/assists players were Steve Nash and Deron Williams.

But I didn't want these superstars — my Easter egg was a mediocre guy whom everyone underestimates. So I continued my search.

I ran into tons of additional pacmans: Tyson Chandler, Amare Stoudemire, Tim Duncan, Emeka Okafor. But I didn't want these low-post guys who couldn't handle the rock. Also, they were one-dimensional. They only grabbed rebounds because they were so tall and were fairly athletic.

I decided to look for small forwards who may be filling up the stat sheet. And I ran into three guys: LeBron James, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., and Luke Walton. I immediately scratched off James because his primary skill is scoring. Dunleavy is averaging 12 points, 5 rebounds, and 3 assists a game — hardly my guy. Walton is averaging 11 points, 5 rebounds, and 4 assists a game — again, not my guy.

I was getting depressed. I began to get flashbacks of the third grade when I cried because I didn't get an Easter egg.

Then, through my tears, I saw it — 14 points, 8 rebounds, and 9 assists.

I couldn't imagine who it could be. The numbers were intriguing. He scored a bit too much for my taste, but the other two numbers were ... amazing. They were Magic Johnson-like. I slowly shifted my eyes over to identify this player.

Jason Kidd.

Dare I say it? Yes. I will. He was a too good for me. He was out of my league. When I look for a girl, I want them to be just good enough to stay in my league. For example, last night I met this girl — beautiful eyes, stunning smile, and great personality. But nothing threw her out of my league. I actually had a chance with her — until I found out she had a boyfriend. But nevertheless, you get the point.

So the conclusion is that there is no one in the NBA who is an all-around decent player — or at least not on the stat sheet. My guess is that this is because kids, at a young age, want to score. That is their main priority and what gives them most joy. So they go into the gym and shoot around for hours. And, also, I suppose there's no way to just "pass around" or "rebound around" for hours. Those skills require far more intricate training. The players who can score, pass and rebound are great players, not mediocre. No one's skill-set involved great passing and rebounding and mediocre scoring.

Looking into the future, two players look like they have a chance to become this elusive Easter egg I've been searching for. Julian Wright, the small forward from Kansas, is a great passer, an athletic rebounder, and he doesn't look to score too much. Also, Jeff Green from Georgetown has great court vision and often pulls down rebounds in front of his 7-foot-2 teammate Roy Hibbert. Watch these guys this week if you get the chance — the skill they bring to the game is fun to watch.

And if you're looking for the next Jason Kidd, I've got a sleeper for you: Jared Jordan. He's the Marist point guard, and at 6-2, he managed to pull down 6 rebounds a game while dishing out 9 assists. He scores 17 points per game because he's the best player on a team that needs it, but when he gets to the NBA, I have a feeling he'll average around 8 points, 7 assists, and 5 boards. But I can only hope, I suppose. Just like I can only hope that the girl I met last night doesn't read this. She doesn't want to be told she's stuck in my league.