NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 4

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson passed Tony Stewart with three laps to go to win in Atlanta, backing up his victory in Las Vegas two weeks ago. On his race-winning pass, Johnson pinched Stewart into the wall, then defended his actions later.

"It was unintentional," says Johnson. "I thought Tony was going to kick my tail, but when I told him it was unintentional, surprisingly, he accepted my explanation, which is surprising. It may have helped that I was holding that giant wrench presented to the winner of the race."

2. Jeff Burton — Burton's fourth in Atlanta could have been better; an ongoing problem with his fueling system lengthened several of his pit stops. Burton also won his second consecutive Busch Series race, taking the Nicorette 300 on Saturday.

"I don't know what was up with the fueling," says Burton. "I'm sure NASCAR had something to do with it, in retaliation for AT&T's lawsuit against NASCAR. As you may or may not know and/or care, AT&T owns Cingular, and AT&T wants to put its logo on my car. Of course, NASCAR doesn't want that because Nextel is a competitor of AT&T. My Busch car is sponsored by Holiday Inn, so unless we're racing for the Howard Johnson's Cup one day, litigation over that matter will not be necessary."

3. Mark Martin — Martin made it four consecutive top 10 finishes this year with a tenth in the Kobalt Tools 500, and he maintained his lead in the points. Martin is eight points ahead of Jeff Gordon and 11 ahead of Jeff Burton.

"This is the moment I've been waiting my entire career for," says Martin. "I'm the points leader; I'm going out of top. I'll see you suckers in Texas on April 15th. These two weeks off will be very important to me. I figure two weeks of constantly badgering my wife into letting me race a full schedule will change her mind."

4. Jeff Gordon — Gordon finished 12th in Atlanta, his worst finish this year, mainly due to a damaged crush panel suffered on lap 194 when pit crew had trouble replacing his right front tire. The result kept Gordon from taking over the points lead; he trails Mark Martin by eight points.

"I have no idea what a crush panel is, where it is, or what it does," says Gordon. "I do know it's similar to a bracket buster, and I know it has to be 11 1/2" x 8 3/4" x 3/16," and that's strictly enforced by NASCAR. My guys tell me a damaged crush panel will cause fumes to enter the cockpit. I had that same problem once before when a gerbil crawled up my exhaust pipe."

5. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth recorded his third consecutive top-five, finishing third in Atlanta, which moved him to fifth in the points, 62 behind Martin. He will head to Bristol with one goal in mind.

"Yeah, not to get shoved by Jeff Gordon," says Kenseth. "You don't know what a blow to one's ego that can be. Much like driving a stock car with a silly spoiler on the back, like that sported by the Car of Tomorrow, which debuts at Bristol. What is this? Stock car racing, or The Fast and the Furious? Is it a good idea for the first race for the COT to be at Bristol? I foresee a lot of legitimate debris cautions, and several cars losing their wings, except for Team Red Bull, because Red Bull gives you wings."

6. Tony Stewart — Stewart lost his battle for the lead with Jimmie Johnson three laps from the end, as Johnson passed on the inside and then pushed the No. 20 car into the wall. Johnson claimed it was unintentional, while Stewart questioned Johnson's tactics, albeit diplomatically.

"I've never in my life been accused of being diplomatic," says Stewart, "so don't let it happen again. The Tony Stewart you saw this weekend was not the real Tony Stewart. The real Tony Stewart wouldn't have let Johnson of the hook so easily, and he damn sure wouldn't have complimented Juan Pablo Montoya's driving. I don't know what was wrong with me, but Bristol will be the cure. I guarantee I'll be back to my ornery self once we start trading paint and middle fingers this Sunday."

7. Kevin Harvick — Harvick ran a cylinder short over the last 60 laps and wound up 25th, one lap down. To compound matters, NASCAR then ordered the No. 29 team to remove the Shell logo from his car and replace it with the image of a conch shell, which is not a cell phone, but something you can, in fact, hear the ocean if you place it next to your ear.

"I guess that constitutes a wireless call, at least in the eyes of Nextel," says Harvick. "You know, this sport is pretty much ran by sponsorship dollars. It dang sure ain't the prize money that keeps it going. Just ask Craftsman Truck Series driver Ron Hornaday, Jr. He finished 11th in Sunday's race and won only $9,175. That won't pay the bills to keep a truck team afloat. Heck, that won't even pay Mike Helton's monthly grocery bill."

8. Carl Edwards — Edwards cracked the top 10 in points with a seventh in Atlanta, then, as is his trademark after a seventh-place finish, fell backwards out of his car, landing on his head.

"Kids, don't try that at home," Edwards cautions, "unless your parents are away. And kids, heed the words of Cleveland Cavaliers center Scott Pollard and 'do drugs.' And kids, if you're dumb enough to do drugs because Scott Pollard told you to, then you should be forced to actually do drugs with a goofy white basketball player with a wacky haircut with a size 14 shoe in his mouth, or a likeness thereof."

9. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer joined Richard Childress teammate Jeff Burton in the top 10 with a sixth in the Kobalt Tools 500. Bowyer qualified the No. 07 Jack Daniels Chevrolet 15th and with crew chief George Dickle making all the right calls, Bowyer was able to pick up his second top-10 result of the year.

"Actually, my crew chief's name is Gil Martin," says Bowyer, "which could easily be the name of a brand of whiskey. Gil's been known to knock back his share. Is 'Jack Daniels' not the coolest logo ever on a car? And have you seen our gas can? It's shaped like a fifth of Jack."

10. Juan Pablo Montoya — Despite not winning the race, Montoya was the talk of Atlanta. The world's most famous Colombian not known for cocaine finished fifth for his best finish on an oval so far. Already a road course expert, Montoya's quick adaptation to fast ovals was praised by many drivers, including Tony Stewart.

"Hey, I'm like the Kobe Bryant of NASCAR," explains Montoya. "One day, I'm wrecking my teammate for a win in Mexico City, and the next day, I'm hearing a lot of love from my fellow drivers, with the exception of Jeff Gordon. A little word to the wise, Gordon: if you see a Colombian on your tail, it's best to let him by."