NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 1

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick — Harvick edged 48-year-old Mark Martin at the line by .020 seconds in a controversial finish as chaos reigned behind them. As Kyle Busch triggered a crash, Harvick passed Martin for the win, with NASCAR explaining that the caution wasn't flown until after Harvick's pass.

"Isn't it ironic," says Harvick, "that after two weeks of penalizing others for not following the rules, NASCAR can't even follow one of it's own? I'd like to thank my car owner, Richard Childress. He's not a deadbeat owner and he's not under suspension, so that pretty much leaves him as the only car owner out there. And I'd like to congratulate Mark Martin on another second-place finish, something I'm sure he's sick of hearing."

2. Mark Martin — Martin was denied his first win in the Daytona 500 after losing the lead to Kevin Harvick on the final lap while a multi-car pile-up unfolded behind them. Had NASCAR frozen the field as soon as the wreck began, Martin would have been the winner, as he was leading Harvick at the time. Typically, Martin accepted the outcome with grace and sportsmanship.

"Yeah, thanks, NASCAR," says Martin, "for a job well done. To express my gratitude, I'll be making a 14-hour road trip to NASCAR headquarters, accompanied by a steel mallet, a 4-inch knife, a BB gun, large trash bags, rubber tubing, mace, and an extremely absorbent adult diaper."

3. Jeff Burton — Burton squeezed through the ensuing wreckage of the last lap wreckage to take third in the 500, behind teammate Harvick in first, and former teammate Martin in second.

"I'm caught somewhere between enthusiasm for my teammate and disappointment for Mark," says Burton, driver of the Cingular Wireless car, also known as Nextel's worst nightmare should he win the Cup. "Honestly, I think Mark should file an official protest; not about the outcome, but to have the pre-race broadcast shortened by about three hours. Seriously though, NASCAR should seriously consider writing the rules in pen and not pencil."

4. Elliott Sadler — Sadler's debut at Daytona for Evernham Motorsports resulted in a surprising sixth-place finish, despite a start from the 30th position, as well as the loss of team director Josh Browne. Browne was fined $25,000 and suspended two races as the result of rules violations prior to qualifying.

"Take that, NASCAR!" says Sadler. "You think this team needs Josh Browne to be successful? We need Josh Browne like Britney Spears needs hair. But seriously, I would much rather have heard a Britney pre-race mini-concert than one by Kelly Clarkson. Nothing against Clarkson, but I think a bald, tattooed artist appeals more to the average NASCAR fan than a former American Idol. Especially if Britney would have sang her classic 'Oops! I Shaved it Again.'"

5. Kasey Kahne — Kahne was the second-highest finisher, after teammate Eliott Sadler, of the many drivers who were penalized for infractions at Daytona. Kahne was docked 50 points, and crew chief Kenny Francis was fined $50,000 and suspended four weeks, but Kahne still managed a seventh-place finish.

"$50,000 is nothing to laugh at," says Kahne, "but I'm going to do it anyway. Ha! I make $50 grand on autographs alone, and that's when I have my personal assistant forge my signature. Seriously, though, I'm happy we passed inspection, and I apologize for our rules infractions. In our defense, though, at least we didn't try to run jet fuel in our car, a la Michael Waltrip, although it was a brilliant idea. And I hear Michael would have gotten away with it were it not for the flight attendant found in the back seat."

6. David Gilliland — Gilliland started on the pole alongside teammate Ricky Rudd and battled to an eighth-place finish, despite falling a lap down at one point.

"I don't know how Elliott Sadler ever gave up his ride in the M&M's car," explains Gilliland, who's pit crew includes a skipper, a millionaire, said millionaire's wife, a movie star, a professor, and some farmer girl named Mary Anne. "I love driving the M&M's car, especially when my teammate is sponsored by Snickers. Please, by all means, call us 'The Candy Boys.'"

7. Jeff Gordon — The No. 24 wasn't in its usual Daytona form, challenging for the win, but Gordon still pulled out a 10th, despite wiping out in the final lap crash and sliding across the finish line. Gordon won the second of Thursday's Gatorade 125 qualifiers, but a post-race inspection failure relegated him to a start of 42nd on the grid.

"As you know, I'm a father-to-be," says a proud Gordon. "This kid's going to be a racer, so it would be fitting if he/she were born in a car, especially since that's where he/she was conceived."

8. Tony Stewart — After tangling with Kyle Busch on his way to victory in Bud Shootout, Stewart was taken out by Kyle's brother Kurt as Kurt went underneath Stewart on lap 153. The No. 20 car slammed into the wall, and Stewart finished last in the 43-car field. Busch accepted blame, while the normally hot-headed Stewart was diplomatic on the situation.

"Hey, I've got no problem with the Busch brothers," says Stewart. "And if you believe that, I've got some pond-front property in the Daytona infield I'd like to sell you, as well as some barbecue sauce with my picture on it. Wait, that's real. Don't let my new-found calm demeanor fool you; I'm as volatile as enriched uranium in a burning North Korean fireworks factory, or jet fuel in Michael Waltrip's intake manifold."

9. Mike Wallace — Wallace, brother of more famous sibling Rusty, and also a Ryan Newman hater, finished a surprising fourth at Daytona to put Phoenix Racing on the map, as well as primary sponsor, Miccosukee Resort and Gaming.

"It's a great finish for me, the team, and Miccosukee," says Wallace. "I've got to hand it to Miccosukee, Florida's chief destination to blow a paycheck. They really took a gamble sponsoring our car. I know they had reservations about it, unsure if we'd even make the race. But we did, and now, with over $600,000 in winnings, we've got the money to run, and cheat, with the big dogs."

10. Kurt Busch — Busch tangled with Tony Stewart on lap 153 after the two had engaged for three-quarters of the race in various battles for position. Busch tried to pass underneath Stewart, but tapped the left rear of the No. 20, sending Stewart out of the race and severely damaging the No. 2 Penske Dodge.

"I accepted full responsibility for that mishap," explains Busch. "Or did I? If you'll recall, in the Bud Shootout, Stewart bumped my brother Kyle out of the lead with about eight laps to go. Accident? I don't think so. Vengeance was due to Stewart. We Busch's have a saying: ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a surgically-altered ear for a surgically-altered ear."