NFL Predictions: Conference Championships

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

New Orleans @ Chicago

In the warm-up to the Super Bowl, also known as the AFC Championship Game, the No. 2-seeded Saints head to chilly Chicago to face the No. 1-seeded Bears. Both teams advanced by identical 27-24 scores; New Orleans beat Philadelphia behind 127 yards rushing and two touchdowns from Deuce McAllister, while Chicago turned back Seattle on Robbie Gould's 49-yard field goal in overtime.

"We plan to attack the Bears just as we attacked the Eagles," says Sean Payton. "Right up the middle with Deuce. You know, there's a name for that kind of power running. No, it's not 'smashmouth football' — we call it 'Dropping a Deuce.' If that fails to make a splash, we'll change the pace with Reggie Bush, and pray that he doesn't get jacked up on a swing pass or fumble a perfect pitch from Drew Brees. If that doesn't work, we'll appeal to the Bears' sense of compassion for the plight of the city of New Orleans. We've been riding that for all its worth. We believe."

Lovie Smith hopes that home-field advantage will aid the Bears quest to reach the Super Bowl for the first time since 1985. The weather, forecast for partly sunny skies with temperatures in the high 20s, and the natural sod of Soldier Field will help them slow a Saints team accustomed to climate-controlled, artificial turf playing atmosphere. Oddsmakers have the Bears listed as three-point favorites.

"If you want to crown us," says Smith, "then crown our asses! The Saints were who we thought they were! And we let 'em off the hook! Sorry, I can't help doing my Dennis Green impression whenever possible. Speaking of Arizona, that was the game that caused questions to arise about Rex's ability to lead us the the Super Bowl. Six turnovers will do that. But I think Rex's performance last Sunday answered those questions. Unfortunately, the answer to that question is 'maybe.' In Rex's defense, he's had a great week of practice. I've never seen Rex Grossman more focused. I just hope the fact that New Year's Eve is only 344 days from Sunday's game doesn't distract from his preparation. As long as his number of turnovers stays below his quarterback rating, we'll be okay."

What does the NFC Championship Game hold? The Saints will pit their strength, offense, against the Bears' strength, defense. It promises to be physical, heated, and, at times, violent, like a day at the Strahan's. Will the weather affect the Saints? Who knows, but it's not like they haven't known for months now that the NFC championship would likely go through Chicago. Anyway, the Bears seemed to have trouble of their own last week in Chicago, with four fumbles, three by returner-extraordinaire Devin Hester. So let's toss out the weather as a determining factor — both teams have equal access to the full line of Under Armour® cold weather apparel. This game will be decided by quarterback errors.

There's a tennis statistic that will help explain this. No, it's not Maria Sharapova forehand winners, although I'm sure she has several. It's "unforced errors." Rex Grossman leads Drew Brees handily in this category. Grossman always seems to try to escape the inevitable sack, which leads to a loss of 15 yards instead of seven. And, even when he throws a ball away due to pressure or coverage, he still seems to be at risk for an interception. This will cost him.

John Carney's 43-yard field goal in the fourth gives the Saints a 24-23 lead, and Grossman is sacked on fourth down to preserve the New Orleans victory.

Saints win, 24-23.

New England @ Indianapolis

Come on. Even you Baltimore and San Diego fans have to admit that the Patriots/Colts AFC title game promises much more excitement and intrigue than a Chargers win over the Ravens would suggest. Even Baltimore native and literary mastermind Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" would agree.

"It's a bore," quoth the Raven. "It's a bore."

The Colts won a soccer match over the Ravens, 15-6, as Adam Vinatieri kicked five field goals to Matt Stover's two, in a game that surely gave Tony Romo nightmares, and set a precedent for red zone futility not seen since K-Fed tried to hook up with Lindsey Lohan. And the dream AFC matchup was set when the classless Patriots vanquished the No. 1-seeded Chargers on Stephen Gostkowski's 31-yard field goal, which sent San Diego's LaDainian Tomlinson into a raging hissy fit.

"Look man, there's no dancing on the Chargers mid-field logo," says the league's MVP. "I know cool, and that's not cool. Also, there should absolutely be no parking on the dance floor."

"Okay, I agree that there should be no parking on the dance floor," says Belichick, "particularly by freakazoid robots. But for L.T. to go haywire because a few players mocked Shawne Merriman's sack dance is ridiculous. As far as I know, mocking a sack dance is not against league rules, unlike head-butting and ingesting banned substances. And let's not go overboard on Marty Schottenheimer's coaching ability. He may not be a great big-game coach, but his regular-season record is stellar. People tell me he's a fabulous grandfather; he never forgets a birthday, although I hear he always comes up short around Christmas time."

Let's all bow our heads, face Vatican City, and look back to Week 14 and try to remember if we saw a New England at Indianapolis AFC final. If you said "yes," you're a liar, and/or Nick Saban. On December 10th, the Pats were shutout at Miami 21-0, while the Colts were destroyed 44-17 in Jacksonville while surrendering 375 yards rushing.

"Everyone always talks about a team's 'identity,'" says the cute and cuddly Tony Dungy. "Well, after that Jacksonville game, it was time for an 'identity theft,' so we pilfered the identity of the 2005 Steelers. You know, an aggressive defense with an offense led by an error-prone quarterback. Ben Roethlisberger proved last year that a crappy quarterback can win a Super Bowl, so Peyton's tried to model his game after Big Ben's, just without the silly Fathead commercials, motorcycle wrecks, and facial reconstructions. And, Peyton's got a new best friend, Adam Vinatieri, who's a kicker, not an idiot, and 'so money.'"

Defense kept the Colts and Patriots in last week's game while their respective offenses sputtered, but that won't be the case Sunday. Manning passed for 326 yards and two touchdowns when Indy beat New England 27-20 in Week 9, and you know the Colts defense does not intimidate Tom Brady, who has lost as many Super Bowls as Manning has appeared.

"Damn, I'm Brady-licious," says Brady. "Let me ask the people of Indianapolis one thing: 'Don't you wish your quarterback was hot like me?' I thought so. This whole 'Colts and defense' thing is way overblown. Two good games does not make a defense. Peyton should take comfort in that because two losses in AFC championship games does not define a quarterback. I hope the zoologist makes night calls, because late Sunday, Peyton's still going to have the monkey on his back."

After the Colts jump out to a 10-0 lead, it looks like the route is on. But never count the Patriots out, especially since they're playing the Colts, it's Sunday, and Brady took particular care applying his eye black, although the game is indoors. Tom Terrific leads the Pats to a 17-17 tie at half-time, and later, down 30-28, drives the Pats to the Indy 40, in position for a 57-yard field goal. Instinctively, Vinatieri runs on to the field, incurring a five-yard penalty for twelve men on the field. New England kicker Stephen Gostkowski lines up for a 52-yarder, and his kick barely clears the crossbar.

New England wins, 31-30.