NFL Weekly Predictions: Wildcard Round

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Kansas City @ Indianapolis

It all fell into place for the Kansas City. Not only did the Bengals, Titans, and Broncos lose, just as Herman Edwards' personal shaman predicted, but the Chiefs will face the Colts and their "holy" run defense. Indy is last in the league in rushing defense, and KC's Larry Johnson set an NFL record with 416 rushing attempts this season.

"We like our chances," says Edwards. "As I've said before, 'you play to win the game.' Obviously, Larry is our workhorse, and after 416 carries, 50 more won't kill him, at least not against the Colts' 'My Little Pony' rush defense. What I like about the Colts' defense is that they don't play the traditional one-gap or two-gap schemes. They actually give you the choice of the gap. No one ever accused the Indianapolis defense of not being compassionate. By the way, Larry's not Italian, so I don't foresee him getting 'spaghetti legs.'"

Indianapolis kept their undefeated home record intact with a 29-24 win over the Dolphins. Peyton Manning threw two touchdown passes, which gave him 274 for his career, and passed Joe Montana for seventh all-time.

"I though the Dolphins might beat us until Cleo Lemon's Hail Mary sailed into the 12th row of the stands," says Manning, who is tied for last in Super Bowl wins by a quarterback, all-time and among current players. "Cleo tossed that one further away than Nick Saban flung his Miami contract. Anyway, we're going to give our fans more of what they've become used to: wins at home. But fans, you've got to lose the sarcasm when making the 'defense' chant."

The Chiefs jump on the Colts early. Johnson rushes for 45 yards on the first drive of the game, and scores from two yards out as the Chiefs eat up eight minutes of the quarter. It's 7-0 Kansas City, and the boos are heard from the restless Indy fans. But Manning, as he's done all year, doesn't point fingers, and encourages his defense.

"Guys, they're not booing," Manning explains. "They're saying 'goo-bers.' Come on! Pony-up!"

Then, after leading the offense on an 11-play, 72-yard drive, capped by a touchdown pass to Marvin Harrison, Manning makes his greatest audible call ever. He tells the defense to load up the box with nine defenders, giving Trent Green no option but to check down into a pass. Once the ball is snapped, Manning tells all nine guys to drop into coverage.

"Let Trent Green run it," says Manning. "He won't get far."

"That's brilliant!" exclaims Colts defensive coordinator Ron Meeks. "Why didn't I think of that?"

Manning's scheme works to perfection, and the Colts win, 30-20.

Dallas @ Seattle

In their home finale, the Cowboys gave up four Jon Kitna touchdown passes, two to Roy Williams, in a 39-31 loss to the 3-13 Lions that left Bill Parcells scratching his head, albeit while enjoying a lovely massage and pedicure from the spindly fingers of Raider owner Al Davis. With Detroit's win, the Raiders secured the No. 1 pick in April's NFL draft.

"At least someone got a happy ending," says Parcells. "Congratulations, Raiders. As for me, I'm quite disappointed. A mere five weeks ago, we were everyone's pick as the NFC favorite and Tony Romo was everybody's darling. But who hasn't been an NFC favorite at some point this year? I'll tell you who won't be an NFC favorite — the NFC representative in the Super Bowl, that's who. As far as Romo goes, he needs to spend as much time on film and practice as he does in choosing his blonde starlets to date. First Jessica Simpson, now Carrie Underwood. I wonder if Carrie knows that 'Chicken of the Sea' is tuna, not chicken. Hell, I wonder if Tony knows it. We'll go as far in the playoffs as Tony takes us."

The Seahawks, like the Cowboys, lost three of their last four, and were also considered the NFC's favorite, for, oh, about eight minutes in to their Week 4 loss at Chicago. But at least Seattle won their final game, beating the Buccaneers in Tampa 23-7 while losing cornerbacks Kelly Herndon and Jimmy Williams to injury.

"I guess beating Tampa Bay wasn't so important," says Mike Holmgren. "But who wants to go into the playoffs with an 8-8 record, with a home game, as a division winner, for God's sake? That's pathetic. Anyway, we'll take a page from the Patriots and Troy Brown, and play some of our wide receivers at defensive back. Even at wide receiver, those guys are great at getting a hand on the ball, just not catching it, so that should work out well."

After a shaky start, Romo is benched, and the fiery young quarterback from Eastern Illinois accuses Parcells of being a "Romo-phobe." He also reminds Parcells that Drew Bledsoe is the backup. Parcells acquiesces to political correctness, and his better judgment, and puts Romo back in before Bledsoe can take a snap. Romo then throws two touchdown passes, one to Terrell Owens, who then signs the football with a Sharpie pen and presents it to Dallas owner Jerry Jones.

Dallas wins, 27-24.

New York Jets @ New England

In what could be wildcard weekend's most intriguing and most brutal matchup, Eric "The Ice" Mangini and the Jets travel to storied Gillette Stadium to face Bill Belichick and the Patriots in round three of the "Insincere Congratulatory Handshake Bowl." New England won at the Meadowlands in Week 2, while the Jets won in Foxboro in Week 10. New England was 5-3 at home this year, while the Jets were 6-2 on the road. Both teams are riding three-game winning streaks.

"They couldn't write a better script in Hollywood," says Tom Brady, "although the writing in 'Jackass 2' was phenomenal. Especially the part where Miami's Jason Taylor watches Wee Man bungee jump off a bridge while tethered to the fat dude. Classic! Just like Sunday's game will be. You've got Belichick versus Mangini. The master versus the student. 'Chick versus Man.' All we need now is snow. The forecast calls for cold shoulders and icy handshakes, so maybe it will. We know the Jets will be ready to play, and they'll try to 'impose their will' on us. Well, we're going to 'impose our Bill' on them. We'll see how they like it."

"Look, this whole Belichick/Mangini feud has been blown way out of proportion," says Mangini. "I don't like to lose to him; he doesn't like to lose to me. When the playoffs are over, win or lose, I fully expect Bill and I to rekindle our friendship in the same dark, secluded place we started it — the film room. And I expect the Patriots' fans and organization to treat me with the respect I deserve."

When the Jets take the field on Sunday, Mangini is stunned to hear the theme music from I Dream of Jeannie blaring from the PA system. But he remedies it quickly by tuning his Motorolla head set to the tune of Ace Frehley's "New York Groove." Both teams start conservatively, with Mangini playing it close to the vest, while Belichick plays it close to his capri pants, a sensible fashion choice on an unseasonably warm New England afternoon. With the score tied 16-16 in the fourth, the Patriots face a 3rd-and-10 from the Jets' 17-yard line. Brady calls his own number, and his 17-yard quarterback sneak results in a touchdown.

Patriots win, 23-16.

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

The Giants continued their roller coaster-ride of a season when they beat the Redskins last Saturday to squeeze their way in to the playoffs. After starting the season 6-2, the G-Men finished 2-6 to claim the NFC's final wildcard spot.

"Man, talk about peaks and valleys," says Eli Manning, accepting an invitation to the Pro Bowl, as a guest of brother Peyton. "It's been more like 'peak, valley, valley, valley, valley, peak, valley, valley, big valley, peak.' Right now, we're peaking at the right time. We've won one game in a row. If we win the opening coin toss, we'll really be hot."

The Eagles are the NFC's hottest team right now, having won five in a row to win the East and earn a first-round home game. Jeff Garcia has assumed leadership of the Eagles, with a 5-1 record as a starter. Philly and New York split their regular season series, with the home team losing both games. Garcia knows nothing is guaranteed in the wide-open NFC race.

"Look, all of the Giants losses were against teams that qualified for the playoffs or just missed the playoffs," says Garcia. "So, we know the G-Men play good teams well; they just can't beat them. They're very unpredictable, and seem to have more lives than a cat, or "24's" Jack Bauer. The Giants have faced a lot of criticism this year, and you know what happens when a Giant is backed into a corner — Michael Strahan gets offended."

With Tiki Barber, Jeremy Shockey, Plaxico Burress, and Eli Manning, the Giants certainly have firepower, but not as much as Tank Johnson's domestic arsenal. And, I doubt Manning will win any commendations for marksmanship. The aggressive Eagles defense is by no means bulletproof, like Matt Millen, but they always seem to make the game-changing plays. And they do again. With the Giants down 21-17, Manning's desperation underhanded lateral is picked off by Brian Dawkins and returned three yards for a score.

Philly wins, 28-17.