Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
N.Y. Giants @ Washington
Can you not help but pull for the Giants? Week in and week out, these guys bleed, sweat, and pay the price, lose, and still, somehow, remain in the playoff race. That's persistence, and consistency. Personally, I hope the G-Men make the playoffs exactly how one would expect them to: losing to Washington on Saturday, then having Green Bay, St. Louis, Atlanta, and Carolina all lose. New York's latest defeat, 30-7 to the Saints, was marked by the Giants' inability to take a snap in Saints' territory all day. Their lone touchdown came on a 55-yard pass from Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress to put New York up 7-0, a lead they would relinquish.
"You're right," says Tom Coughlin. "There are lots of people pulling for us. Mostly those teams that have already qualified for the playoffs, who would love to host us and our traveling circus in the playoffs. We have many weaknesses, but I think the Saints added a new wrinkle to their defense that left us helpless: placing a 'No Trespassing' sign at midfield."
Coughlin has stripped offensive coordinator John Hufnagel of play-calling duties and assigned that task to quarterbacks coach Kevin Gilbride. Will that make a difference? What do the Giants need more? New play-calling, or therapy? I think Dr. Phil is the answer, but one game would not be long enough to make a difference. He'd need at least sixteen sessions.
The Giants play Saturday night, and win or lose, they'll likely have to wait until the outcome of the Green Bay/Chicago game late Sunday to know their fate. That could make for some anxious times, but it will give Coughlin plenty of time to clean out his office. Whatever happens, Eli Manning will place a positive spin on his hideous performance.
It's another uninspired effort from the G-Men. The defense comes out flat and the offense sputters. Down 27-10, Gilbride calls a draw play on third and long that goes nowhere. Receiver Plaxico Burress' anger at the call pales in comparison to that of Buddy Ryan, who slugs Gilbride with a short right cross.
Washington wins, 27-20.
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
Maybe Terrell Owens was right. Who needs Donovan McNabb? The Eagles seem to be doing just fine without him, having won four straight, including three road wins over NFC East rivals. Their latest conquest, a 23-7 win over the Cowboys on Christmas, left the Eagles needing just a win over the Falcons to clinch the NFC East title. Since taking over for McNabb in Week 12, Jeff Garcia has led the Eagles to a 4-1 record.
"You have to say Jeff is a 'survivor,'" says Andy Reid. "He survived stints in Detroit and Cleveland, and has the physical scars to prove it. More impressively, he survived T.O. with his sanity intact, although he carries a load of emotional baggage from that. Jeff's not spectacular, but he's steady. He's not going to break off a 50-yard run, like Michael Vick, nor is he going to flip off fans that criticize him. This is Philly; you could save an Eagles fan's child, and two minutes later, he'll boo you. I think it's the cheesesteak that keeps him here."
Atlanta's playoff hopes rely on a win and losses by the Panthers, Packers, and Giants. They could also get in with a tie and losses by the Panthers, Packers, Giants, and Rams. The Falcons' chances are slim, as are Jim Mora's of returning as coach next season.
"There's only one 'coach-killer' Mora needs to worry about," says Atlanta owner Arthur Blank. "And that's me. Notice, if you will, Jim, that there's no sarcasm in my voice."
Garcia throws for two touchdowns, and the Eagles eliminate the Falcons, 24-7.
Buffalo @ Baltimore
Trailing 30-29 with less than a minute to go, facing a fourth and five at the Titans' 28-yard line, the Bills elected not to attempt the game-winning field goal, and J.P. Losman threw a desperation heave that was intercepted by Tennessee. Previously, kicker Rian Lindell had made five field goals, including a 45-yarder in the second quarter.
"Yeah, but the wind was gusting," says Dick Jauron. "and J.P. had previously completed 19 passes. I know Rian kicks a tighter spiral than J.P. throws, but that Buffalo wind is tricky, and Rian's only been kicking in it for what, four years?"
That's called "thinking way too much," Dicky. Heck, you could have flipped a coin, but I'm sure you were afraid the wind would have affected the coin toss, as well. Besides, doesn't "gusting" wind mean you don't really know what direction from which it's blowing?
Baltimore currently holds the second seed in the AFC. With a win and a San Diego loss, the Ravens would seize home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, due to their win over the Chargers in Week 4.
"It really doesn't matter to us whether we have the No. 1 or the No. 2 seed," says Ray Lewis. "Whether we're in San Diego or at home, we're going to blitz Philip Rivers unmercifully. All I know is the grass stains will come out of Rivers' blue uniform much more easily than his white one."
Baltimore wins, 23-9.
Carolina @ New Orleans
Carolina quarterback Chris Weinke snapped his 17-game losing streak as a starter as the Panthers ran over the Falcons 10-3 in Atlanta last Sunday. Such was John Fox's confidence in Weinke that he let the 2000 Heisman Trophy winner air it out all of seven times. Weinke completed four of those, including a one-yard strike to tight end Jeff King.
"Weinke won the Heisman?" asks Fox. "Are you sure? I guess now you're going to tell me that Gino Torretta, Rashan Salaam, and Andre Ware all won the Heisman, as well. They did? Weinke won it in 2000? Was that the year they only announced one finalist? Anyway, we had to simplify the playbook for Chris to include nothing but pictures and only shovel passes and a quick out to the tight end. And we titled it Dick and Jane Play Quarterback For the Panthers."
The Saints have clinched a first-round bye, and have nothing to play for, as the Bears have clinched home-field advantage throughout. And that plays right into the hands of the Panthers, who need a win and losses or ties by the Giants and Green Bay to qualify for the postseason.
"This puts me in the position of a fantasy owner," says Sean Payton. "I've got a serious 'sit or start' quandary. Do I play my starters and risk injury, or sit them and make sure they are healthy for our first playoff game? That's a tough question, one to which I don't know the answer. Much like this question: Who is the more masculine O'Donnell, Chris or Rosie? I don't know, but I think Rosie would make a great addition to anyone's offensive line."
The Panthers make their case for a trip to the playoffs with a 23-16 win over the Saints.
Cleveland @ Houston
Derek Anderson threw four interceptions in the Browns' 22-7 loss to Tampa Bay in the Dawg Pound, which dropped Cleveland to 4-11. The Browns were booed by their fans, some of whom wore paper sacks over their heads in protest of the team's poor performance.
"You know," says Romeo Crenel, "those thick brown grocery bags really make it difficult to breathe. I had to take mine off in the second quarter. Braylon Edwards had a heck of a time getting his helmet on over his. But we know we have a long way to go before we're a playoff-caliber team. But it's never too soon to start preparing like a playoff team. That's why I'll be sitting my starters this week to give them an extra week's rest for next year's opener in September. The difference in 37 week's rest and 36 week's rest is immense."
Kris Brown's 48-yard field goal as time expired gave the Texans a 27-24 upset of the Colts, their first win ever over Indianapolis. Gary Kubiak made all the right decisions last Sunday, but his toughest decision is yet to come: whether or not to keep quarterback David Carr.
"That's a decision we'll address in the off-season," says Kubiak. "We may be better off without David. In fairness to him, he may be better off without us. The last thing I want to do is retain David and hold him back from bigger and better things, like a spot in The Surreal Life 8 or any show involving Flava Flav."
Houston wins, 27-14.
Detroit @ Dallas
The Eagles held the Cowboys to their lowest point and yardage totals of the year in a 23-7 Christmas Day win in Dallas. Dallas only managed 201 yards of total offense, and the loss likely cost them the division crown. Dallas can still win the East with a win and Philadelphia loss, but they will most likely be the No. 5 seed in the NFC.
"Of course, we're not happy with our performance," says Bill Parcells. "And what good is home-field to us when we can't beat two of the teams we could possibly meet in the playoffs, the Eagles and Saints, in Dallas? But, as you know, the balance of power in the NFC shifts as often as the wind. Check back in a week; we might be the best team in the NFC then. And don't get me started on Terrell Owens. He's an extremely physically gifted athlete, although he has two genetic abnormalities that have plagued his career: a mouth that won't shut, and hands that won't shut (around the football). You're by no means perfect, T.O. And what's with the Santa Flaws, I mean Claus, hat? If pain is a gift, then you deliver it, to my rear."
If only the Detroit front office had kept their receipts, then maybe they could return all the failed No. 1 draft picks, and even general manager Matt Millen, for credit in the 2007 draft. But crappy draft picks aren't as easy to return as crappy Christmas gifts. Otherwise, the Lions would have $15 or so the spend as they please at Target. But the Lions can find some comfort in an upset of the Cowboys. But can that happen in storied Texas Stadium, home of the "Ring of Honor," where names like Tom Landry, Roger Stauback, Troy Aikman, and Emmitt Smith reside? Prior to the game, Millen admires the Ring from the field, and wonders what such a ring would look like in Detroit's Ford Field, full of players drafted by Millen that have achieved stardom. "Empty" is the first word that comes to his mind, so he abandons the idea.
Dallas wins, 30-20. Owens score one touchdown on a 27-yard pass from Tony Romo, and also on an end-around, a play later dubbed "Reverse Cowboy" by T.O.
Jacksonville @ Kansas City
The Jaguars and Chiefs find themselves in the same boat: their playoff stakes ride on a win and losses by every other contender for the final wildcard spot. Jacksonville needs a win and a Jets loss, a Bengals loss or tie, and a Titans loss or tie. Kansas City needs a win and a Denver loss, a Cincinnati loss or tie, and a Tennessee loss or tie.
"Yeah, we're on the same boat," says Jack Del Rio, "which happens to be on the same creek, if you smell what I'm saying. The odds are long, and I'm not sure there is a dress suit made that will lead us to victory, and I'm not sure Herman Edwards has the motivational speech in him to spark his guys to a win."
With the Jags down 20-16 in the fourth, Del Rio calls "Possum Right 73 Zip Delay," in which Maurice Jones-Drew take a handoff, runs into his own lineman, falls to the ground, briefly snoozes, then gets up and scampers 51 yards for a touchdown without being touched by a Chief.
Jacksonville wins, 23-20.
Miami @ Indianapolis
The Indianapolis run defense reared its ugly head again, surrendering 191 yards on the ground to the Texans in a 27-24 loss that likely cost them a first-round bye. The Colts would need a win over the Dolphins and a Baltimore loss to Buffalo to regain the No. 2 seed.
"It's not a good sign when opposing teams have our defense scheduled for an 'afternoon walk-through' on their bulletin board," says Peyton Manning. "You'd think our defense would be getting tired of being called 'small up front.' Anyway, I think the key to our playoff survival is red zone offense and defense. If teams are going to run right through us, we've got to find a way to keep them out of the end zone. And, on offense, anytime we score, it's got to be a touchdown. No more settling for field goals. I have all the confidence in the world in Adam Vinatieri, the universe's greatest clutch kicker, but unless he's kicking 10 field goals a game, we haven't scored enough."
It's not like bye weeks have benefitted the Colts in years past. Maybe what they need is a tough first round game against an opponent that can't run the ball. Unfortunately, any team can run the ball on the Colts, even the Dolphins.
"You know, Lynyrd Skynyrd made famous a song called 'Sweet Home Alabama,'" says Nick Saban. "What does that have to do with Manning and the Volunteers, I mean Colts? Nothing. I've just been humming that tune for days. Anyway, in today's SEC, I mean NFL, anything is possible, especially in the final week of the regular season."
Manning throws two touchdowns, and Vinatieri nails a 38-yard field goal as time expires to win it.
Indy wins, 20-17.
New England @ Tennessee
Wouldn't it be great to see what kind of defense Bill Belichick would employ to contain the magic of Vince Young? After last week's 30-29 win in Buffalo, Young and the Titans have won six straight, and would make the playoffs with a win, combined with Cincinnati and Denver losses and a Kansas City win over Jacksonville.
"Now why would I reveal my master plan in Week 17," says Belichick, "when we could very well face the Titans in the first round of the playoffs, should Tennessee make it? I don't play poker, but I know you should never show your hand until you have to. And we don't have to. Now, if you insist on seeing my hand, it will come in the form of an open-handed slap to your face. I know everyone wants to see Tom Brady versus Vince Young, the crafty veteran against the gifted rookie, 'Tom-foolery' versus 'Vin-sanity,' if you will. Those people will have to wait."
The Titans could become the first team in NFL history to start 0-5 and make the playoffs. It's an unlikely scenario, but not impossible.
"Take a look at the reflection in my mirrored sunglasses," says Jeff Fisher. "Tell me what you see."
Well, Jeff, I see myself.
"Exactly. Now, if you looked from my vantage-point, while wearing these shades, you'll see that my good friends at Circuit City have outfitted my lenses with tiny screens that will allow me to monitor the 1:00 Pittsburgh/Cincinnati and Jacksonville/Kansas City games. Otherwise, we're concerned with no one but ourselves."
Titans win, 23-17.
Oakland @ N.Y. Jets
Last week, the NFL Network's Adam Schefter reported that Oakland head coach Art Shell would be fired at the end of the season. The Raiders organization fired back, accusing Schefter of being not just a rumor monger, but a "false" rumor monger, and questioning Schefter's "source" within the organization, claiming that no one trusted him. And it didn't help matters when Schefter later reported that Shell would offer his vocal stylings to the character of the water buffalo in Disney's upcoming animated feature, The Big, Wack, Yak Attack, slated for release in the summer of 2007.
"Let's face it," says Schefter, "if Shell were an animal, he'd be a water buffalo. Come on. The big head, doesn't move much, can't coach. That's Shell. Although, I think a water buffalo would have some control over Randy Moss."
The Raiders then reported that Schefter will appear in the same movie, voicing the character of the weasel.
It's simple for the Jets: win and they are in the playoffs. New York is crisp from the start, and they jump out to a 14-0 lead. The Raiders roar back with three Sebastian Janikowski field goals. With the score 14-9 in the third quarter and the Jets driving, the game is suddenly interrupted by the broadcast of the movie Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss. Television stations are flooded by phone calls, many by angry New Yorkers not wanting to miss a minute of the game, others by grateful Raider fans dying for entertainment, even if it's low-grade drivel produced by MTV. When the game broadcast is restored, Chad Pennington is taking a knee.
New York wins, 23-12.
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
The Bengals' Christmas was ruined when a botched PAT attempt prevented them from tying Denver 24-24 and likely forcing an overtime. Instead, Cincinnati lost 24-23 and fell back into the pool of AFC teams who must win and get help to make the playoffs. The Bengals are in under these two scenarios: a win and a Jets loss, or a win, a Denver loss, and a Kansas City win.
"It certainly was a devastating loss in Denver," says Marvin Lewis. "So much so that I actually encouraged my players to drink afterwards. This way, those gift cards I gave them, good for bail anywhere in the nation, will surely come in handy. And they're reloadable."
Pittsburgh was officially eliminated from the playoffs with their 31-7 loss in Baltimore, dropping the Steelers to 7-8. With a win in Cincinnati, the Steelers would finish 8-8, avenge an earlier loss to the Bengals, and knock their AFC North rivals out of the playoffs. It would also give Bill Cowher a win in his final game as Pittsburgh coach, assuming Adam Schefter's hard-nosed reporting is accurate.
"Hey, Schefter doesn't get all the scoops," says Cowher. "Actually, Jerome Bettis broke this story before the season even started. I'd like to see the Raiders question Jerome's journalistic integrity. All Jerome did was ask me if I was leaving at season's end. I replied, 'Who dey?' Apparently, Jerome took that as a 'yes.' But for the real answer, you'll all have to wait until my press conference next week. If the tears are flowing, I'm gone. If the spittle is flying, I'm staying."
Down 27-20 with less than a minute to play, Palmer hits Chad Johnson for a 12-yard score. On the ensuing PAT attempt, the offense remains on the field, with Carson Palmer lined up as holder and Rudi Johnson as kicker. Palmer takes the snap and lofts the two-point conversion pass to snapper T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
Cincy wins, 28-27.
Seattle @ Tampa Bay
It's not often a heartbreaking 20-17 loss to arguably the NFL's best team is reason to celebrate, but in the case of the Seahawks, it was. Despite losing on Philip Rivers 37-yard touchdown pass to Vincent Jackson with 29 seconds to go, Seattle wrapped up the NFC West when the 49ers lost to the Cardinals.
"Hey, it's reason to celebrate," says Shaun Alexander. "We're NFC West champions. No one else can say that, nor would they want to. But we'll deservedly celebrate like the champions we are by dousing ourselves with water straight out of the shower, and we'll wear these championship t-shirts and hats proudly, under sweatshirts and jackets. Those son of a guns are selling like hot cakes laced with cyanide. And we'll be greeted like heroes along the 1/16th-mile parade route through downtown Medina, a suburb of Seattle."
Seattle is the No. 4 seed in the NFC and cannot improve on that seeding, regardless of what happens Sunday. The Seahawks likely will face an 8-8 (possibly a 7-8-1) in the first round of the playoffs. Should Seattle lose to the Bucs, then we could be witness to the first NFL playoff game pitting two 8-8 teams. The NFC just screams "quality."
Tampa Bay wins, 24-21.
St. Louis @ Minnesota
The Rams are still in the running for the final ticket to the NFC playoffs after their thrilling 37-31 overtime win over the Redskins. Marc Bulger passed for 388 yards and four touchdowns, and Steven Jackson's 21-yard TD run won it for the Rams. At 7-8, along with the Panthers, Falcons, Giants, and Packers, the Rams need a win, and help from the Coalition of the Willing, meaning teams willing to lose.
"If you would have told me a few weeks ago that we'd have a shot at the playoffs," says Marc Bulger, "I would have replied, 'Damn, the NFC must suck.' Now, if you would have told me a few weeks ago that we'd have a shot at the playoffs, along with four other 7-8 teams, I would have probably just called you a liar."
Well, if anyone predicted that scenario, they must really know their footall, but I bet they have no clue about weather forecasting.
Last week, the Vikings managed only three first downs in a 9-7 loss to the Packers, thereby abandoning ship on their playoff aspirations. Their only score came on a Fred Smoot 47-yard interception return. Tarvaris "Play Action" Jackson will start his second game, and will look to improve on his 10-20, 50 yard numbers from last Thursday.
"It's one thing to play in the cold of Lambeau in front of the entire population of Green Bay," says Jackson. "And it's another to play in the climate-controlled Metrodome filled to nowhere near capacity by 20,000 of my closest friends and relatives, enjoying the game courtesy of tickets I was suckered in to buying by Mike Tice."
Bulger throws for 320 yards and three touchdowns and the Rams wins 27-13.
Arizona @ San Diego
Philip Rivers' 37-yard touchdown pass to Vincent Jackson gave the Chargers a 20-17 win over the homestanding Seahawks. On the day, Rivers was 10 for 30 for 181 yards and two touchdowns. That won't get you to the Pro Bowl (wait, yes it will), but it did get the Chargers their 13th win. A win on Sunday ensures home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.
"Look, I'm sick of having to reprimand guys named Greg who say, 'Take away Ladainian, the Chargers got nothing,'" says Rivers. "You know, like I do in that NFL Network commercial. I proved last Sunday that we can win without LaDainian scoring. And I proved that two TD passes greatly outweighs 20 incompletions out of 30 passes. And answer me this: how does Tiger Woods beat LaDainian for the Associated Press Male Athlete of the Year Award? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Tiger basically just playing the course? Heck, if you put L.T. on a football field with a few sand traps, a water hazzard, a couple of trees, drunken fans at the 17th, and no defense, I think he could score 50 touchdowns, easily."
True, but can L.T. shape a 3-wood on a dogleg right around a stand of trees to a postage stamp green guarded on the left by water, sand on the right, and thick rough in the back? You're right. He probably can.
The Cardinals beat the 49ers 26-20 last week to improve to 5-10. Matt Leinart suffered a sprained shoulder and will miss the season finale; Kurt Warner, who has announced his intentions to return in 2007, will get the start.
"Hey, if Jesus Christ can return, why can't I?" asks Warner. "This team needs me just as much as mankind needs Jesus. At a time like this, with Matt down with a shoulder injury, having a veteran backup like myself is imperative to a team on the rise. Matt can't even raise that left shoulder high enough to place his arms around the tanned shoulders of a hottie he's walking out of a nightclub. I'm there for him in that situation, as well."
Tomlinson adds to his touchdown total with two scores along with 132 yards rushing.
San Diego wins, 30-14.
San Francisco @ Denver
As is often said this time of year, the Broncos "control their own destiny." With a win, they are in the playoffs. And if that win comes by virtue of a bad snap on a potential game-tying extra point attempt by the 49ers, then that will make it all the more satisfying. Denver held on to beat the Bengals 24-23 when a bad snap on Shayne Graham's PAT attempt sailed wide of holder Kyle Larson.
"I never thought I would see this kind of thing," says Mike Shanahan. "No, not a missed PAT, but the referees signaling 'wide left' on a snap. Now, any time I come across a Bengal, I'll just snap my fingers. Not that I spend that much time in police stations."
If the seedings hold, Denver will travel to New England in the first round of the playoffs. Last year, the Broncos beat the visiting Patriots in the AFC divisional round playoffs. Earlier this year, in Week 3, Denver beat New England in Foxboro.
"That's a rematch we welcome just as much as the Patriots," says Jay Cutler. "If Jake Plummer can beat the Patriots twice, I should be able to do it, easily. I even started my playoff beard growing months ago in preparation for a moment like this. I'm still waiting for that thing to fill in, but in the meantime, I'll defer to Jake's unkempt, Grizzly Adams growth as my motivation."
Because they lost to Arizona last week, the 49ers, instead of playing for a shot at the division crown, are playing for nothing more than a chance to derail the Broncos' wildcard dreams. That's too bad, because the NFC sure could have used another 7-8 team in the wildcard mix.
Denver wins, 24-20.
Green Bay @ Chicago
The Bears got by the Lions 26-21 thanks to three Robbie Gould field goals in the fourth quarter. The last of those two kicks were set up on drives engineered by backup quarterback Brian Griese, who replaced Rex Grossman in the fourth quarter. Lovie Smith insisted the QB change was planned from the start and won't upset the balance of the NFC's top-seeded team.
"I'll says it again," says Smith. "Rex Grossman is our quarterback. And I say that with the sincerity of Joe Isuzu. Now, as for those rumors that Brian Griese is legally changing his name to Rex Grossman, that's something started by a false rumor monger. Of course, that doesn't mean it's not true. I'll say this: in the playoffs, our quarterback will be the player who gives us the best chance of winning. That's why Devin Hester will start at quarterback in the playoffs."
In what could possibly be Brett Favre's final game, the Packers will know whether winning will get them into the playoffs. If the Giants lose, the Packers have a very good shot.
"Go Giants!" exclaims Favre. "Michael Strahan, I know you're not playing, but you need to convince your teammates to 'lay down' like I did for you when you broke the single-season sack record. Remember? You owe me. Now, as far as retirement goes, there's a good chance this will be my last year. If I throw seven touchdowns against the Bears to tie Dan Marino's NFL record, then I'm done. If not, I'll be back next year."
Green Bay wins, 17-16.
After the game, several of the Bears inexplicably record a rap tune called the "Super Bowl Shuttle," about a mini-bus that takes ticket holders from the parking lot to Miami's Dolphins Stadium, site of this year's Super Bowl. "It's almost kickoff, time to scuttle, you need a ride on the 'Super Bowl Shuttle," raps Rex Grossman.
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