Great Writers Sub For Slant Pattern

Hello readers,

Unfortunately, I'm too busy this week to write a column. Luckily, I've got some high-profile columnists — some even from beyond the grave — to pinch hit and write a few paragraphs apiece for me. Enjoy.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON

The Divine Ogres. The Men Who Understand. Those are some of the names I bequeath on the apocalyptic pied pipers of Nantucket, the New England Patriots. They will win it all this year. This was obvious enough back in July, when Tom Brady shared a few highballs and 'ludes at my hotel room in Phoenix. He came to haggle over the price of a Hieronymus Bosch painting I had in my possession (the man knows Art as well as he knows Victory and Blood), and after the fiduciary details of the transaction were settled by my Laotian assistant, Pramhphon, we settled in to watch an old Doors concert.

"Were gonna win it all again this year, Hunty," he said between gulps. "I have a secret weapon this year. Can't tell you about it, of course. But it does mean that ... well, I'll say this. The doomed swinehead of anarcho-capitalism doesn't pass muster with the crossbones on the spiked gridiron." I knew exactly what he meant.

LEWIS GRIZZARD

You know what's great about being a Southerner? We don't put on airs like yankees do. My publisher last week forced me to go to a book signing party in New York. First thing you notice about New York is it smells funny. Now, I'll be the first to tell you that some things in the South smell funny, too, like my cousin Betty Bob's bathroom after she's been pulling turnips for a few hours (probably eating some, too). But New York smells worse, because it's the smell of pee and North and God-knows-what.

Second thing you notice about New York is, they talk funny. What I mean to say is, they don't talk natural. They say things like "Ohh, Mr GrizZARD! I just LOVED your BOOK!" I'd like to tell them to kiss off because I didn't write it for them, but my publisher doesn't want me yelling at my fans anymore.

So not only do I have to be in New York, but I have to act all nice to everybody. That's hard to do, so I drank from a little bottle I took with me to make it easier. In fact, I drank so much I ended up puking all over my publisher. Did I mention she is from New York, too? Yeah. As far as hear reaction goes, like I said ... yankees put on airs. Oh yeah. This is supposed to be about sports. I predict the Falcons will not win the Super Bowl. GO DAWGS!!!!

Dr. Z FROM SPORTS ILLUSTRATED

So I was drinking wine this Friday past with the Flaming Redhead (1971 Belle du Noir Chablis to complement a lovely eggplant casserole, thank you) and she handed me an intriguing letter from reader Scott in Yonkers, NY.

First, Scott, thank you so much for the kind, kind words about how much you enjoy my column. Your faithful readership and interest in my writing means a lot to me, as it does from all my readers. You guys are the reason I write. Thanks again. And thanks for the wine recommendation. I found it precocious, but workable.

Anyways, Scott wants to know if the Buccaneers are going to get better next year. It depends on how their draft goes.

Next is a letter from Jolene in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I used to date a girl from Kenosha. Her name wasn't Jolene, though. Thank you, too, Jolene, for the praise. I really appreciate it. Such nice things to say about little ol' me! "Too nice," says the Flaming Redhead.

Jolene asks what rookie from this year will has the best chance of being a Hall of Famer someday. It's too early to tell.

Must run, or the last few bites of my eggplant casserole will need to be microwaved to be palatable again. Ta.

"THE FLY" FROM THE SPORTING NEWS

Da Fly don' herd da New York Football Giants got their wah-wah ped' stu' o' d' buh.

BILL SIMMONS FROM ESPN

So I rounded up my buddies J-Bug, Dash, Goof, T-Rex, Fen Fen, Screwball, Screwball II, Meat, and Dogneck and we headed to Vegas, baby!

I spent most of my time at the craps table and you will not believe who sat down next to me.

C'mon, guess.

Have you guessed yet?

Are you ready?

HAL LINDEN.

That's right! Barney Miller! And he asked me if I could change an $100 bill. That's right. Unintentional Comedy ranking of about 70. Vegas does weird things to people.

He actually seemed pretty cool, and we spent about an hour at the table. Then he asked me who I thought was going to win the Super Bowl this year.

I said, "H-linde-loodog, I don't know. But it won't be Peyton Manning and the Colts. Mr. Manning will be home crying his eyes out, running around screeching, "WAAH! WAAH! I WISH I WAS TOM BRADY! I WISH I WAS TOM BRADY! I HAVE GAY LOVE FOR HIM!" And Tony Dungy will be running around his house screeching, "WAAH! WAAH! MY SON IS DEAD! HE SHOT HIMSELF!"

(I can't believe I just went there.)

(But I did!)

Anyway, as usual, I have no idea how to end my column, so I'll just say Vegas, baby! and turn the column over to wife, who will come off as a character from the movie "Clueless" and suddenly make it understandable how it is indeed possible for an actual woman to be willing to marry me and bear my children. Honey?

MRS SIMMONS

Can you believe how much Gucci handbags cost these days? It's like, oh my god. But other handbags are just so LAME, you know? Like, 1990. Lindsay Lohan is a whore.

GREGG EASTERBROOK FROM ESPN

It's time for my annual Super Bowl prediction column. But first, here's a conservative viewpoint I have on a topic that's totally unrelated to football. Now, to show you what a thoughtful, issue-by-issue non-partisan I am, here's a liberal viewpoint I have on a topic that's totally unrelated to football. Did you see that balance? If that didn't impress you, maybe these academic credentials, as well as an aside that belongs in a post-graduate scientific journal, will.

On to football. It's too bad the Carolina Panthers — er, shoot, what's the ICELANDIC word for panther? No, what's the Iceleandic phrase for "Cat of the night which is sometimes dominant, sometimes errant?" — won't make the playoffs, because with their brand of football, methinks it would have at least been, shall we say, entertaining! And a ho ho!

By the way, none of you guys noticed, during my exile at NFL.com, how much I softened my tone regarding my longtime disgust at the DirecTV NFL monopoly and the Redskins nickname, right? Good. Because I feel you should shuck-and-jive for your employer. They are the ones paying you! It's why I'm so anti-player. That and because most average joes think players are too big for their britches, and in addition to being an academic, I'm also a populist. Occasionally I will stand up for the players, but only to impress you with my balance again.

I still haven't said who will win the Super Bowl. But we all know predictions are for chumps. Guys who make predictions are usually wrong, and then I point and laugh at them! I will say that the team that wins the Super Bowl will run more, blitz less, and take more chances on fourth down. I'm not sure you knew I supported such a gameplan. But I do. Here's some more academic wonkery. Let me close by saying, I heart boobs.