Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Minnesota @ Green Bay
What's the biggest difference between Minnesota quarterback Brad Johnson and Green Bay signal caller Brett Favre? Well, besides about 250 touchdown passes, a reservation in the Hall of Fame, three MVPs, and a gig hawking heartburn medication, not much.
"Those are all valid differences," says Johnson, "but the biggest difference is this: I get booed out of the Metrodome, and I get benched. If Favre got booed at Lambeau, he wouldn't get benched, and the unfortunate fan or fans who booed him would suffer the disgrace of experiencing a foam Cheesehead suppository. I don't get that kind of respect in Minnesota."
Despite throwing three interceptions and no touchdowns, Favre and the Packers beat the Lions, 17-9. Favre's three picks moved him into second place on the all-time interceptions thrown list, with 270. He needs seven interceptions to reach George Blanda's mark of 277.
"I'll definitely be back next year," says Favre. "I want that record. [George] Blanda played until he was about 46 to get that record. Big deal. I'll do it before 38. If things work out, I should be able to break that record and Marino's touchdown passes record next year, hopefully in the same game."
The Packers will employ the same game plan that the Jets used last week to defeat the Vikes: don't bother running on the NFL's No. 1 rushing defense; throw the ball, then throw it some more. Who's going to stop them? Fred Smoot?
"We're playing Green Bay?" asks Smoot. "A 'bay?' That means water's probably nearby, right? Sweet!"
Favre torches a distracted Smoot for a 63-yard score to Greg Jennings.
Green Bay wins, 20-14.
Kansas City @ Oakland
What's worse than starting Aaron Brooks as your quarterback?
"Umm, letting Randy Moss give a pep talk on the importance of effort while furiously picking out his afro?" asks Art Shell. "I've done that."
Not what I had in mind, Art. I'm thinking nothing is worse than Brooks as your starter than Andrew Walter as your backup. Actually, check that. That's not worse than Raiders' owner Al Davis making a public appearance just to let everyone know he was "still alive."
"Hey, that's one more public appearance than I've made this year," says Randy Moss. "But it is frightening when Al appears, especially when, like me, you think he's been dead for years. I thought I'd seen a ghost. Here's a little advice, Al. If you're going to pull a stunt like that, don't do it during a full moon. And if you're going to rise out of a coffin as your 'public appearance,' try not to make it so creepy."
The Chiefs lost 20-9 in San Diego, failing to generate a touchdown in a must-win game to maintain any serious hopes of a wildcard spot. The Chargers sacked Trent Green six times and held Larry Johnson to 84 yards rushing. The loss left the Chiefs at 7-7 and in last place among 7-7 AFC teams vying for a wildcard position.
"There's no quit in us," says Herman Edwards, "and I'm sure there's no quit in the Raiders, with the exception of Randy Moss. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the Black Hole in the Christmas spirit. I hear their nativity scene featuring costumed fans was described by the local newspaper as a 'blasphemous and heretical delight.' The guy dressed as Darth Vader as the Virgin Mary? Brilliant! And the dude with the shoulder pads and skeleton mask as Joseph? Great casting. Aaron Brooks and Andrew Walter as goats? Fantastic! Those Black Holers really know how to spread Christmas cheer and mayhem."
Do the Raiders have anything to play for? Only draft position. Right now, they are tied with Detroit with the worst record in the NFL. Even if the Raiders end up drafting after the Lions, it will be just like the number one pick. It's not like they'd want who the Lions pick, anyway. That'll be a favor from former Raider Matt Millen.
Larry Johnson rushes for 163 yards and two touchdowns.
Kansas City wins, 23-13.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Baltimore has officially clinched the division title, and officially humiliated the Steelers 27-0 in their last meeting in Week 12. The Ravens are playing with hopes of eventually securing a first-round playoff bye, while Pittsburgh needs a win just to keep their slim playoff aspirations alive. Needless to say, when these to rivals clash, emotions will be high, the hitting will be hard, Brian Billicks's nose will still be big, Bill Cowher's chin will still be freakishly prominent, and the trash-talking will be entertaining.
"Joey Porter is just like his pit bulls," says Ray Lewis. "He needs a muzzle. Doesn't he know this is 2006? He can't go spouting politically incorrect smack talk. It's okay to talk trash, but when doing so, make sure you don't offend any race, creed, color, gender, or lifestyle."
"Damn, is Ray Lewis giving me lessons on jaw-jacking etiquette?" ask Porter. "I'm Joey Porter. I made the rules. And the rules are: there are no rules. Smack talk is under a 'no disqualification, insults count anywhere' format. If I feel like 'outing' any member of the Ravens like I did to Kellen Winslow, then I'll do it. And if I see Steve McNair's hand palm-up on the turf, I'll step on it, and it won't be an accident."
The last time these two met, the Ravens sacked Ben Roethlisberger nine times. That has to weigh heavily on the mind of the Steeler quarterback. After all, there's nothing more frightening that the thought of a Raven coming at you with bad intentions.
Baltimore wins, 19-14.
Carolina @ Atlanta
In last Saturday's 38-28 loss to the Cowboys, Michael Vick broke Bobby Douglas' NFL record for rushing yards by a quarterback, and kicker Morten Anderson became the league's all-time leading scorer. But all of that was overshadowed by another record: the $35,000 levied against Terrell Owens for spitting in the face of DeAngelo Hall, the highest fine ever for a spitting incident.
"They actually keep records on that?" asks Hall. "Wow! My face is in the record book. I think it's time to break out that visor. But isn't it amazing that T.O. didn't get suspended for this. Come on. If Randy Moss would have done it, he'd be gone for a game. Of course, Randy Moss would have never scored two touchdowns on me. What's $35,000 to Owens? I'll tell you what it is. It's chump change. T.O. is a chump. Go ahead an flag me for illegal hands to the face, 'cause the next time I see him, I'm going to slap him upside the noggin."
The Panthers closed shop in an embarrassing 37-3 home loss to the Steelers. Chris Weinke started for the second straight game in the place of Jake Delhomme, out with an injured thumb. The Panthers still have a chance at the postseason, but that happening would likely require time travel.
"If I could go back in time," says John Fox, "I would go back to week 1 and announce my retirement. I guess it's probably too late to call in that thumb whisperer to heal Jake, but it's not too late to call in that goon to make that sprain a complete break."
Atlanta wins, 24-17.
After the game, Jim Mora jokingly announces that he's going to Disneyworld, then gets hammered in the media and by Disneyworld, who didn't authorize him to use their name.
Chicago @ Detroit
The Bears clinched home-field advantage throughout the playoffs in truly unspectacular fashion with a 34-31 overtime win over the Buccaneers in Chicago. This time, the weak link was the fearsome Chicago defense, which surrendered 21 fourth quarter points before Robbie Gould hit the game-winning 25-yard field goal.
"If there was a defensive rating for the fourth quarter," says Rex Grossman, "I'd say it would be around 1.3, or less. Usually, our defense swarms around the ball like the FBI around Tank Johnson's house. Not on Sunday. Our defense was as soft on the Buc's offense as the pawn shop was in asking for Tank's paperwork. But, on the bright side, we've got home-field, which didn't seem to scare the Bucs. So I doubt it will scare a playoff team."
Seven Bears were selected to the Pro Bowl; the Lions had none selected. That's a difference of seven, which also sounds like a good margin of victory.
Chicago wins, 20-13.
Indianapolis @ Houston
Four interceptions by David Carr spelled doom for the Texans in Foxboro as the Patriots blasted Houston, 40-7. The Texans lacked punch on offense, something that the Saints and Titans don't lack, for some reason.
"Here we go again," says a dejected Gary Kubiak. "Hasn't everyone criticized our drafting of Mario Williams ahead of Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and that guy from Hofstra drafted in the seventh round? Look, give the guy a chance. Has anyone really sat down and watched what he does? He doesn't play offense, so he can't score. We've added a new feature to our website, called 'The Mario Williams Watch' to track him. Last week's result was the same as the previous fourteen weeks: 'still no sign of him.'"
The Colts wrapped up the AFC South division crown without even playing; the Jaguars' loss to the Texans last Sunday clinched it for the Colts. Just for good measure, though, the Colts beat the Bengals 34-18 on Monday night. Peyton Manning threw three touchdown passes to Marvin Harrison, from one, three, and four yards.
"Marvin's such a crafty route runner," says Manning. "On all three of those TDs, he fooled the cornerback into thinking he was going deep. Anyway, I just want to offer some words of encouragement to the Texans. If Williams doesn't pan out as a good draft pick, it won't be the worst pick ever. That would be Ryan Leaf taken second, right after me, in 1998. I'm still kind of offended that he was taken that close to me."
Manning throws for three scores and the Colts win, 30-17.
New England @ Jacksonville
Tom Brady overcame the pain of his breakup with actress Bridget Moynahan with an efficient, mistake-free 16-for-23, 109-yard performance in the Patriots' 40-7 win over the Texans. Brady threw two touchdown passes, then gave way to backup Matt Cassel, and 44-year-old Vinny Testaverde cleaned up.
"Don't worry, it was an amicable breakup with Bridget," says Brady, "meaning, there was no sex video involved. I've sent Vinny over to her place to pickup my things. We don't call Vinny 'The Closer,' for nothing. Whether he's putting the finishing touches on a breakup, or entering the game for four consecutive kneel-downs, Vinny's the man. It's amazing that he's been able to amass such impressive passing totals despite playing much of his career before the invention of the forward pass."
As they are notorious for doing, the Jaguars followed their huge win over Indianapolis with a 24-17 loss to the Titans. The Titans returned three David Garrard turnovers for touchdowns, then later pitched in to buy Garrard dinner.
"We've been known to play down to our competition," says Jack Del Rio, "especially if it's the Houston Texans. We realize that to beat the Patriots, it will require our best effort, plus a little extra. That's why we've obtained audio from the Miami Dolphins of Brady's breakup with Moynahan."
What Jaguar team will show up? What Jack Del Rio will show up? Will it be the casually, yet crisply-dressed Del Rio, or the suit-wearing 'corporate' Del Rio? Del Rio foregoes the suit, but the fired-up Jags show up in their all-black uniforms, highlighted by several colorful rhinestones installed by Del Rio himself and his Bedazzler. The Jags then warm up to the "Electric Side," thereby ending the accusations that they are "mentally weak." David Garrard throws for 150 yards and a touchdown, and Jacksonville wins, 20-13.
New Orleans @ N.Y. Giants
The Saints clinched the division title in true NFC South fashion — by losing. All four NFC South teams lost last week, and the Saints only managed 10 points against the Redskins after dropping 42 on the Cowboys in Week 14.
"You know, I could blame the players," says Sean Payton, "and they could blame me. But we all choose to take the high road, and blame Tom Coughlin. Wow! That's liberating! I can see why Giants' players do that. Statistically, we are the No. 1-ranked passing team, but New York is pretty darn good at passing, as well. Passing blame, that is."
Despite losing to the Eagles 36-22, the Giants still hold the sixth position in the wide-open race for the two NFC wildcard positions. As they say often in football, the Giants hold their destiny in their own hands; if they win out, they're in. But this in the NFC; destiny has been in several teams' hands, and more often than not, it has been dropped.
"I can relate to that," says Plaxico Burress. "Destiny has been in my hands before and I dropped her. But don't blame me. Blame the baby oil. Anyway, that's beside the point. We know we have to be motivated, and if we can't get motivated for this, then we should be shot, or Tom Coughlin should be fired. We're fighting to get in the playoffs, and it's Tiki Barber's final home game. And it may be the last game before trans fats in fast foods are banned here. We've got to win for ourselves first, then for Tiki, then for the trans fats."
With the Saints down 23-16 late in the fourth, New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas is seen whispering something to Drew Brees, warning him to stay out of the middle of the field. Like a Knicks player, Brees wisely ignores Thomas' advice and later tosses a 25-yard TD pass to Marques Colston. Tie score. Then, out of nowhere, Denver Nuggets coach and UNC alum George Karl, at the behest of former North Carolina head coach Dean Smith, viciously clotheslines Thomas. If you recall, Thomas lead the Indiana Hoosiers to the 1981 NCAA championship over Smith's Tar Heels. In the confusion and hysteria that follows, Eli Manning drives the Giants downfield and hits Burress for the game-winning score.
New York wins, 30-23.
Tampa Bay @ Cleveland
The Bucs took the heavily-favored Bears to the limit last Sunday, erasing a 24-3 third quarter deficit before falling in overtime 34-31. Starting quarterback Bruce Gradkowski was pulled in the second quarter in favor of Tim Rattay, who rallied the Bucs with three touchdown passes in the fourth quarter.
"I've seen more quarterbacks in my coaching career than release dates for Guns 'N Roses Chinese Democracy," says Gruden. "Anyway, I'm not so sure I want to take the field if those nasty rumors I hear about Kellen Winslow II are true. If those accusations are found to be true, the ramifications could shake the moral fabric of this league, and this very nation, to the very core. It's appalling, degenerative, and reprehensible. I pray that it is not true. Please, oh please, someone tell me that Kellen Winslow II is not the son of the original Kellen Winslow."
Sorry, Coach. It's true. Kellen II is the son of Kellen I.
"Dear God."
The banged up Browns may be at home, but they don't have a single Pro Bowl representative on their roster. The Bucs have Ronde Barber, who intercepts Derek Anderson twice, and Tampa Bay edges the Browns, 19-17.
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Despite managing only a paltry five first downs against the Jaguars, the Titans won 24-17 on the strength of three defensive touchdowns, all as the result of David Garrard turnovers.
"Believe it or not," says Jeff Fisher, "we work on returns of quarterback turnovers in practice. Why do you think Kerry Collins is still on the roster? Plus, if questions ever arise about the ingredients in a certain mixed drink, Kerry is the go-to guy on that, as well."
The Bills shut out the Dolphins 21-0 in Buffalo, as J.P. Losman threw for three touchdowns. The Bills improved to 7-7, and, by virtue of their 5-5 conference record, are top-ranked among the 7-7 teams in the playoff hunt.
"Things are looking up," say Dick Jauron. "Earlier this year, we were 2-5 and people were questioning the Bills' decision to hire me. Now, we're 7-7 and in the playoff picture. Plus, I just got my copy of Time magazine and see that I've been named 'Person of the Year.'"
Like the Bills, the Titans are 7-7 and needing two wins and lots of help to make the playoffs. Regardless of what happens Sunday, neither team is likely to get in. Tennessee hosts New England in Week 17, while the Bills go to Baltimore, and the Patriots and Ravens will likely be playing for playoff seeding.
J.P. Losman throws for one score and rushes for another, and the Bills' offense holds the Titans' defense scoreless.
Buffalo wins, 23-17.
Washington @ St. Louis
In their last two games, the Rams have endured the extremes of partisan crowds. In Week 14, they faced Chicago in the Edward Jones Dome and saw the cheers of the home fans drowned out by a large Bears contingent that made the trip to St. Louis. And, last week, the Rams endured one of the most hostile environments in sports, Oakland's Black Hole, where the restless natives of Raider Nation hurled all sorts of projectiles at the visiting Rams, including batteries, rocks, bottles, billiard balls, prosthetic limbs, and season tickets.
"Luckily, they all missed," says Rams running back Steven Jackson. "Just like their quarterbacks, Raider fans can't hit a target, either."
The Rams survived and forced five Raiders turnovers on their way to a 20-0 shutout. Now, they'll face a Redskins' team intent on finishing the season with three-straight wins. Washington shocked the Saints 16-10 in New Orleans behind a defense that held the high-powered Saints' offense to 19 points below their season average.
"I attribute this win solely to the coaching of Joe Gibbs," says Redskins quarterback Jason Collins. "The man's a genius. He's got three Super Bowl rings and a Nextel Cup championship. That alone gives us an edge over first-year coach Scott Linehan of the Rams."
"Hey, don't sell me so short," says Linehan. "I'm the proud owner of a mood ring and a Tony Stewart t-shirt."
That's great, Scott. I don't think you're quite ready to hoist the Lombardi Trophy, unless it's one you might find in a specially-marked box of Kellogg's Froot Loops.
Ladell Betts, with 140 yards and two touchdowns, outduels Pro Bowl running back Jackson, and the Redskins win, 24-23.
Arizona @ San Francisco
Believe it or not, the 49ers have a chance to win the NFC West. After upsetting the Seahawks 24-14 in Seattle last Thursday, San Fran can take the division crown by winning their final two games, provided the Seahawks lose their final two. Then, at 8-8, the 49ers would host a wildcard playoff game against a lower-seeded team.
"That's what I love about the 'Mild, Mild West,'" says Alex Smith. "On any given day, the top team in this division can lose to any other team in this division, except the Rams. Also, only in the West, can a team such as the 49ers, at 6-8, remain in the hunt for not only the playoffs, but the division crown."
Arizona and quarterback Matt Leinart hope to put a damper on San Fran's playoff hopes with a win on Sunday. The Cards had their two-game winning streak snapped by the Broncos, as Jay Cutler out-dueled Leinart in a 37-20 Denver win.
"Sure, Cutler got the best of me," says Leinart, "but only on the field. I guarantee the lady he took home on Sunday didn't look as good as any one of the three I did."
The Cardinals beat the 49ers 34-27 in Week 1. This time, with a few extra days of preparation, San Fran avenges that loss. Pro Bowler Frank Gore rushes for 151 yards and two scores.
49ers win, 30-24.
Cincinnati @ Denver
Last Sunday in Arizona, Jay Cutler threw for 261 yards and two touchdowns, with only one interception. With every start, the rookie is gaining confidence and improving his decision-making skills. Much of that credit belongs to Jake Plummer, who gracefully accepted Mike Shanahan's decision to bench Plummer for Cutler four weeks ago.
"Jake has always been a professional," says Shanahan. "He's offered unlimited advice and tutelage to Jay since we made the change. Luckily, Jay hasn't listened to a word of it. Jake's never complained about anything. In fact, I've never seen him more focused on his PAT and field goal holding duties. He's taken that skill to a new level. There's no way Cutler will take that job from him."
The hot Bengals were cooled off considerably by the Colts last Monday, falling 34-16 as Peyton Manning threw for 282 yards and four touchdowns. Cincy had given up only 17 points combined in their previous three games.
"I thought our defensive execution was criminal," says Marvin Lewis. "We didn't give up the big play, but we did give up more plays in the 8-14 yard range than any team in history. But credit the Colts for a masterful game plan and good defensive effort. Our red zone efficiency was only 25%. We successfully made it into the end zone like a Bengal successfully passes a DWI checkpoint — not very well. It was nice of Colts management, though, to paint a white line along our path leading into the stadium. But boy, stadium security sure is tight here. They made me recite my A-B-C's backwards before they'd let me in."
Cutler throws for two short touchdowns, and the Broncos prevail, 27-21.
San Diego @ Seattle
Is LaDainian Tomlinson the most polite and humble athlete in the history of professional sports?
"I can't speak for Muhammed Ali, Randy Moss, or Michael Jordan," says Shaun Alexander, "but do I really need to? Anyway, the answer is 'yes.' L.T. is the most polite and humble athlete in professional sports. Do you want proof? Then look at this sympathy card I received from L.T. the other day. It says: 'Dear Shaun, My deepest sympathies for absolutely destroying your touchdown record. Regards, L.T. (NFL record-holder).' What a guy."
What's the secret to beating the Chargers? No team has done it since the Chiefs in week 7. Mike Holmgren thinks he has the solution.
"It's simple," says Holmgren. "You've got to take L.T. out of the game and make Philip Rivers beat you. That's quite obvious. But how do you do it? Kidnapping is a federal offense, so that's out, although the Bengals could seriously consider that option. Forcing L.T. to witness a mob hit and go into the witness protection program could work, but the logistics involved in making that happen are immense. The best option is to load up the box with eight, ten, twelve, or fourteen men and dare the Chargers to run into that. Another option is to hasten the onset of something bound to rear its ugly head soon — 'Martyball.'"
Matt Hasselbeck can do something Trent Green cannot — throw on the run. The Seattle game plan calls for roll-outs away from Shawne Merriman and prayers that Jerramy Stevens can catch the ball.
Seattle clinches the NFC West with a 23-21 win.
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Okay, stop me if the drama is too much to take. Terrell Owens faces his former team, the Eagles, and quarterback Jeff Garcia, who was Owens' original fall guy back when their relationship soured in San Francisco. And Owens was just fined $35,000 for spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face last week in Atlanta, an act for which Owens originally apologized, then later said was an "accident." On top of all that, there's the issue with the locker room "snitch" in Dallas, who, apparently, tattles on things T.O. doesn't want you to know. Now, can things get anymore controversial?
"I haven't seen this much drama since the Ewings controlled the Dallas oil fields back in the '80s," says Cowboys owner, the smarmy Jerry Jones. "Those Ewings were a ruthless bunch, not only on the oil fields, but on the 3-on-3 basketball courts as well. Bobby ran the point, J.R. was the meanest 10 gallon hat-wearing power forward in the game, and the center, Patrick, was unstoppable. But, as far as T.O. goes, I'm just glad Deion 'Prime Time' Sanders told Hall to 'cowboy up' and accept T.O.'s apology. And I think the Redskins' Sean Taylor served as a special envoy in the deal, as well."
To show his support for Owens, Bill Parcell's names him captain for the game. Representing the Eagles, Garcia wheels out McNabb, and the referee asks them to call it in the air.
"Punk!" yells McNabb.
"Jerk!" Garcia calls.
The Eagles win the toss. It's a tight contest with several lead changes, and with the Cowboys down 24-20 and driving late in the fourth quarter, Tony Romo calls T.O.'s number. Owens gets open with his patented new move, the fake sneeze, and beats Sheldon Brown to the corner. Bless you! And touchdown!
Dallas wins, 27-24.
N.Y. Jets @ Miami
In game two of the Christmas doubleheader, the Jets try to remain in position in the AFC wildcard race. Right now, New York is last among the four 8-6 teams (Denver, Cincinnati, and Jacksonville being the others) battling for the two wildcard tickets. The Broncos host the Bengals, so one of those teams will fall to 8-7. And the Jaguars host the Patriot, leaving the Jets in the awkward position of pulling for their AFC East rivals.
"If the Jaguars win, great," says Eric "The Ice" Mangini. "If the Pats win, that's just fine, too. I wish New England nothing but the best. Let me rephrase that. The best I can wish for New England is nothing."
In their 21-0 loss to the Bills, Joey Harrington was 5-17 for 20 yards with two interceptions before being banished to the Island of Misfit Toys early in the fourth quarter. Actually, he was benched, but even the Island of Misfit Toys wouldn't accept a quarterback with a zero passer rating.
"How on Earth does one get a zero passer rating?" asks Nick Saban.
Here's how, Nick. Head south until you reach the Antarctic Circle. Keep south until you reach the Mendoza Line. Then, find Rex Grossman. Once you do, shake his hand and tell him he can go. One thing's for sure: the Harrington Line will never be crossed.
Before the game, the Jets are visited in the locker room by the jolly, red-nosed man himself, Joe Namath, who predicts a 16-7 Jets win over the Colts. Namath then jogs out of the room, wearing only panty hose and a full length fur coat, with his right index finger held high. You can't argue with greatness.
Jets win, 16-7.
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