NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 13

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

Cincinnati intercepted Charlie Frye four times on their way to a 30-0 shutout of the imploding Browns 30-0, the Bengals first shutout since 1989. Their opponent on Thursday will be the Ravens, who blanked the Steelers 27-0 for their first shutout since 1989.

"That would be Week 1, this season," says Ray Lewis. "We're used to shutouts. The Bengals aren't used to shutouts, whether that be on the scoreboard or by not seeing a player's name in the police news. But I'm sure they will be ready for us in Cincinnati on Thursday. They're playing with confidence, and they should be well-rested. I hear Marvin Lewis gave them Monday and Tuesday off, also known in Cincy as time off for good behavior."

At 6-5, the Bengals can cut the Ravens' AFC North lead to two games with a win. Even with a win, it's highly unlikely the Bengals can win the division; a victory is much more important to their wildcard hopes. The Bengals still have to go to Indy and Denver, while the Ravens' most difficult game down the stretch is at Kansas City in Week 14.

"No matter how you slice it," says Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, "this is a must-win situation for us. I know the Raven defense is fierce, but if anyone knows how to beat it, it's me. In case you've forgotten, I practically invented defense in Baltimore. Heck, I made Tony Siragusa a good player. Without me, Tony would have never got that job as a FOX sideline reporter. You can all thank me later, or send your hate mail in care of the Bengals."

The Bengals' offense is capable of scoring enough points on the Ravens, provided they don't give up a defensive score. In their last meeting, Ed Reed returned a Carson Palmer interception for a score, and the Bengals could never overcome the resulting 14-0 deficit. This time, in Cincy, with a couple thousand people watching on the NFL Network, Cincinnati boosts their wildcard cause with a 24-20 win.

Arizona @ St. Louis

Matt Leinart threw for 405 yards and a touchdown in the Cardinals' 31-26 loss in Minnesota last Sunday. The former USC quarterback completed 31-of-51 passes with a touchdown and two interceptions.

"I've seen better pass defenses in the Pac-10," says Leinart, "but never have I had a more enjoyable boat ride than the cruise I took on Lake Minnetonka courtesy of Fred Smoot. Fred's pass defense is exactly as he likes his women — loose. What's more, the chicks even supply their own flotation devices. Anyway, we wanted to send Coach Green out with a win in his final game. What? He hasn't been fired? I could have sworn I saw Steve Mariucci backing up a U-Haul to the stadium. Maybe that was Kurt Warner."

The Rams beat the 49ers 20-17 on Marc Bulger's five-yard touchdown pass to Kevin Curtis with 27 seconds left in the game, and the Rams improved to 5-6, two games behind the Seahawks.

"I know we don't score points like the Rams of old," says Bulger. "So maybe we're not the 'Greatest Show on Turf' anymore. Call us 'A Moderately Enjoyable Diversion on Artificial Grass.' But we know we'll have to put up the points to beat the Cardinals. We know Leinart will be tossing it to Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, because Arizona sure can't run."

That remains to be seen. Arizona is last in rushing offense; the Rams are last in rush defense. Something's got to give, doesn't it? Actually, Arizona doesn't bother running the ball. Leinart comes out throwing, and tosses three TD passes, but Bulger throws two or his own, and Steven Jackson rushes for 145 yards and two scores.

St. Louis wins, 37-28.

Atlanta @ Washington

Despite rushing for 127 yards in the first half, an NFL record for quarterbacks, Michael Vick found himself on the short end of a 21-6 score against the Saints. Vick ended the day with 166 rushing yards, but the Falcons dropped their fourth straight, losing 31-13. He left the field to a chorus of boos, and responded by flipping fans off with both middle fingers.

"It's not what it looked like," says Vick. "That was not an obscene gesture; it was a rallying cry. A 'call to arms' if you will, except it's a 'call to fingers.' I call it the 'Dirty Birds.' I just wanted our fans to feel a little nostalgia for the Falcons' last Super Bowl run, in 1999. We still feel like we have the potential to go to the Super Bowl. Okay, that's a little far-fetched, but we can still win this division. It's the NFC South, for heaven's sake. Anyway, my wide receivers, Roddy White and Michael Jenkins, don't have the manual dexterity to raise both middle fingers. They definitely wouldn't be on our onside kick receiving team."

The Redskins will be looking for their second-straight win over an NFC South foe after upsetting the Panthers 17-13 at FedEx Field. Jason Campbell, in only his second start, was 11-of-23 for 118 yards and two touchdowns, including a 66-yard strike to Chris Cooley for the game-winner.

"While I don't condone Michael Vick's obscene gesture to fans in Atlanta," says Campbell, "I can certainly see that not being that big of a deal here in D.C. Middle fingers fly almost daily here in Congress, and our esteemed Vice President, Dick Cheney, uttered the 'F' word to a member of the Senate."

Despite losing four straight, the Falcons are still solidly in the playoff race. Of course, they need help, but they play in the NFC South; they'll get help. Vick rushes for 95 yards and makes several miraculous throws. Even more miraculous, his wide receivers catch them.

Atlanta wins, 23-20.

Detroit @ New England

The Patriots grinded out a tough 17-13 win over the Bears at Gillette Stadium in a contest that had the feel of a playoff game, or, more specifically, a playoff game in which the teams combined for nine turnovers. New England never trailed, and Tom Brady made the plays that Rex Grossman couldn't.

"I was especially proud of my juke of Brian Urlacher,"says Brady. "I bet he's never seen a move like that since Paris Hilton gave him the slip. He's definitely never seen it in practice from Rex Grossman."

Detroit kept alive a Thanksgiving tradition that has become about as common as turkey: a loss. This time, the Lions were whipped by the Dolphins and former Lion Joey Harrington, 27-10. Miami held the Lions to 21 yards on the ground, and Jon Kitna turned the ball over twice.

"I guess play action doesn't really work under those circumstances," says Kitna. "It makes you wonder: Are players that bad when they come to Detroit, or does playing in Detroit make them that bad? Harrington's performance would lead you to believe the latter. Notre Dame's Brady Quinn should ponder that question, as well."

The Lions are reeling at 2-9, and Detroit native Kid Rock's breakup with noted Racketeer Pam Anderson hasn't helped the mood in the locker room, either. The Lions can only hope that the Patriots suffer a huge letdown. That probably won't happen. Throw out the win over the Bears, and New England has beaten NFC North competition by a combined score of 66-7.

Patriots win, 28-9.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Running back Joseph Addai rushed for 171 yards and a franchise record-tying four touchdowns in the Colts 45-21 win over the Eagles last Sunday night. Peyton Manning also set his own milestone, reaching 3,000 completions faster than any other player. Manning achieved the feat in 139 games, while it took Dan Marino and Drew Bledsoe 146 games.

"Wow. Drew Bledsoe's was one of the fastest to 3,000 completions?" asks Manning. "I did not know that. Did he get there before his 3,000th sack? Anyway, this is my yearly Tennessee homecoming, and I'll be seeking revenge for Eli, even though I'm not claiming him as my brother right now."

The Titans pulled off the week's, and possibly the year's, most shocking win by erasing a 21-point fourth quarter deficit to stun the Giants, 24-21. Vince Young threw for two touchdowns and rushed for another, and Tennessee won on Rob Bironas' 49-yard field goal with six seconds left.

"Call us 'Giant killers' if you like," says Young, "and call me 'David' if you so choose. Heck, find me a guy named 'Goliath' and I'll whip out my sling and pop a rock off his noggin. And while the biblical metaphors are flowing like the waters of the Nile, I'll do what I can to rain down hailstones of fire on the Colts. And a locust storm. Shoot, I might even bring Charlton Heston with me."

The Titans hang tough, just as they did in Week 5 against the Colts, when they lost 14-13. But Manning hits his disgruntled go-to guy Marvin Harrison for two scores, and the Colts win, 30-24.

Kansas City @ Cleveland

The Chiefs avenged a Week 2 loss to the Broncos by beating Denver 19-10 on Thanksgiving night to take over second place in the AFC West. Larry Johnson rushed for 157 yards on 34 carries and one touchdown, and Lawrence Tynes kicked four field goals.

"Look here, Herman Edwards," says Johnson, "my name is Larry Johnson, not Keyshawn Johnson. I never said 'Give me the damn ball.' But you're obviously giving me the ball, and then some. It's one thing to be sore after a games, but I can't even feel my legs until the Thursday after a Sunday game. Can a brother get a break?"

The Browns were shut out at home 30-0 by the Benglas and their 32nd-rated defensive unit. Charlie Frye threw four interceptions, then was accosted on the sideline by his receiver Braylon Edwards. Earlier in the week, Edwards had criticized the Browns' play-calling, as well as safety Brian Russell for his hit on Chad Johnson in Week 2.

"Obviously, Braylon's upset that Michigan fell to No. 3 in the Bowl Championship Series rankings," explains Frye. "And I would be, too. It's obvious the FOX Network has BCS voters in its back pocket. That West Coast demographic is very important, especially for a game played in Arizona. I could be wrong, though. Maybe Braylon's upset because I completed more passes to the Bengals than I did to him."

The Chiefs saddle up Johnson again, and the seemingly tireless running back takes them where they want to go. L.J. rushes for 133 yards and a score, and Trent Green throws for two touchdowns.

Kansas City wins, 27-13.

Minnesota @ Chicago

If you're Lovie Smith, you have to be scratching your head in disbelief that the Bears rushed for 153 yards and forced five turnovers against the Patriots, yet still lost, 17-13.

"I can that the 'Rex in Effect' phenomenon," explains Smith. "All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom-and-a-boom-boom, just shake your rump. I've been waiting my whole life to say that. I'm scratching my head in disbelief that our quarterback turned the ball over four times, yet we only lost by four. I'm still trying to figure out how we won in Arizona when he turned it over six times. Rex has been guilty of 'gross' negligence with the ball on occasion."

Minnesota broke their four-game losing streak with a 31-26 win over Arizona in a game that shouldn't have been as close as it was. The Vikes held the Cards to 17 yards rushing and forced five turnovers, but surrendered 395 yards passing and gave up a kickoff return and fumble return for scores.

"I'd like to say 'we righted the ship,'" says Brad Childress, "but, as a rule, I try not to mention anything in nautical terms. I don't want to give Fred Smoot any ideas. But I'm very pleased with our rushing defense. Obviously, the best way through the Vikings' defense is via the air, and not land. But the way to a Vikings' heart is by sea."

Despite the loss in New England, Chicago is 9-2 and nearly a lock for home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, with remaining games against St. Louis, Tampa Bay, Detroit, and Green Bay. The only things keeping them from home-field are a large number of Grossman turnovers, or maybe a silly headband controversy. Chicago scores one TD on a Viking turnover (who doesn't) and Grossman gets back on track with two touchdown passes.

Chicago wins, 30-19.

N.Y. Jets @ Green Bay

Brett Favre continues his quest of Dan Marino's touchdown pass record of 420 as the Packers host the Jets and quarterback Chad Pennington. Favre threw one TD last Monday to reach 410 for his career. Favre also continues to increase his consecutive games-played streak for a quarterback. That record stands at 232.

"Wow! That's an incredible streak," beams an impressed Pennington. "Someday, if I remain healthy long enough, I hope to reach 232... consecutive plays, that is."

The Jets beat the Texans 26-11, despite only rushing for 27 yards on 26 carries. That kind of output doesn't sit well with Eric "The Ice" Mangini, who preaches the importance of a productive running game.

"I wouldn't call it 'preaching,'" says Mangini. "I curse and blaspheme way too much for it to even remotely resemble preaching. But our running game should get back on track against the Packers. After all, they gave up over 200 yards to Shaun Alexander last Monday."

Kevan Barlow and Leon Washington each rush for a score, and the Jets keep pace in the wildcard hunt with a 24-17 win.

San Diego @ Buffalo

LaDainian Tomlinson threw a touchdown pass to Antonio Gates and rushed for a score, both in the fourth quarter, as the Chargers erased a 14-7 deficit to the Raiders and won 21-14, their fifth straight win. Tomlinson also rushed for a score in the second quarter, and now needs only four TDs to tie Shaun Alexander's NFL record of 28 touchdowns in a season.

"I would never say this in real life," says Tomlinson, finishing up the brutal 11:30 PM to 7:30 AM third shift in the ESPN mail room, "but I feel totally comfortable saying this in the context of a fictional quote. I can't be stopped."

Buffalo's Willis McGahee has been known to make outrageous quotes proclaiming himself to be the NFL's best running back. He hasn't said it this year, but after two touchdowns against the Jaguars, don't be surprised if McGahee makes a bold statement.

"Okay, I'm the best Buffalo running back ever," says McGahee, "who hasn't been accused of double homicide or who didn't misplace his helmet in the Super Bowl."

Don't ask me why, but I have a feeling that the Bills will pull off the huge upset. It's not because the Chargers will have to travel coast to coast to Buffalo , or that they'll likely be playing in cold weather. And it's not because I think their run of comeback victories has to catch up to them sometime. Maybe it's the mushrooms, or possibly the airplane glue. Who knows? Anyway, McGahee gets fired up, and rushes for 110 yards and a score, and the Bills' defense holds Tomlinson in check (only one touchdown).

Buffalo wins, 23-20.

San Francisco @ New Orleans

New Orleans is back on top of the NFC South after completing the season sweep of the Falcons, while the offensively-challenged Panthers fell in Washington. Drew Brees passed for 349 yards and two touchdowns in a 31-13, including a 76-yard bomb to Devery Henderson on their third play from scrimmage.

"I'm on pace to throw for over 5,000 yards," says Brees. "I could break Dan Marino's record of 5,084 yards in a season. Not a good season for your records, eh, Danny Boy? And I've singlehandedly put Marques Colston and Devery Henderson on the map. And Joe 'Me So' Horn back on the map. This sure is a lot more fun than playing 'Martyball' in San Diego."

The 49ers had their three-game winning streak snapped in a 20-17 loss to NFC West rival St. Louis. Holding a 14-13 lead and facing a 4th-and-inches from the St. Louis 7, the 49ers chose to kick the field goal and rely on their defense to preserve the win.

"Ask any coach," says Mike Nolan, "and I'm sure they would have done the same thing. And those same coaches probably would have unanimously chosen to go for the first down, with the NFL's fourth-rated rushing offense against the league's worst rush defense. I stand by my decision, even though it was wrong."

It's the Saints' passing versus the 49ers' running. Brees throws for 300 and two scores, and the Saints win, 27-23.

Houston @ Oakland

Houston managed only 25 yards rushing in a 26-11 loss to the Jets, and fell to 3-8 in the AFC South. New York led from the start, and their lead was so comfortable throughout the game that they were able to rush 26 times for a measly 27 yards.

"I guess everyone was right," says Gary Kubiak. "We should have taken a running back with the first pick in the draft. Just not Reggie Bush. If I had it to do over, I'd have gone with Joseph Addai or Laurence Maroney."

What's the story in Oakland? Another loss, but a competitive one, as the Raiders held a 14-7 fourth quarter lead against the Chargers before LaDainian Tomlinson took over, leading San Diego to a 21-14 win.

"We call that 'success' here in Oakland," says Art Shell. "We held the Chargers to 14 second-half points. That's 28 fewer than the Bengals could manage, and 21 fewer than the Broncos. But the real story here is Warren Sapp's allegations that his food was tampered with on road trips when he was with Tampa Bay. Warren's hired a lawyer, and plans to sue for lost meals."

The Raiders demoted offensive coordinator Tom Walsh and promoted tight ends coach John Shoop "Doggy Dogg" to coordinator. That should be good for the Oakland offense, and Walsh will finally have the time to mow the lawn at his bed and breakfast. Everybody wins.

Shoop's first order of business is to get Randy Moss to produce, so he calls eight straight bombs to Moss to start the game. It works on the final try, and the Raiders take a 7-0 lead and never look back.

Oakland wins, 20-10.

Jacksonville @ Miami

Miami won its fourth straight as Joey Harrington finally played a good game in Detroit, throwing for three touchdowns in a 27-10 defeat of the home-standing Lions on Thanksgiving. While Harrington was being introduced prior to kickoff, the Lions public address mockingly played Billy Joel's "Piano Man," a reference to Harrington's talent as a pianist.

"I find it hard to believe an organization would stoop to such a level," says Nick Saban. "That situation clearly called for the public address sound system to blare Joel's 'She's Always a Woman' or 'Movin' Out.' Anyway, Joey handled the situation with grace and composure, which is exactly what you'd expect from a concert pianist."

Jacksonville lost 27-24 to the Bills on Rian Lindell's 42-yard field goal as time expired. The Jags fell behind 10-0 and never led, and were hindered by 10 penalties for 108 yards.

"We didn't play to win," says Jack Del Rio. "Instead, we played like we were afraid to lose. I don't know why these guys are afraid of losing; they've done plenty of it. This is a must-win game for us. It seems like we have those every other week."

Miami sacked Jon Kitna eight times on Thanksgiving; they won't do that against the elusive David Garrard. The Jags, as they often do, come through when they have to. Garrard throws for a score, and scrambles for 50 yards on the ground.

Jacksonville wins, 19-14.

Dallas @ N.Y. Giants

After last Sunday's collapse in Tennessee, the Giants held a players-only meeting to regroup and air their concerns before Sunday's huge home game against the Cowboys. Several players spoke, and Mathias Kiwanuka, who inexplicably let Vince Young free from a sure sack, asked for a hug from each and every player. He got his wish, but refused to let go of Eli Manning.

"Just practicing," said Kiwanuka.

Dallas will be well rested after their 38-10 blowout of the Buccaneers on Thanksgiving. And they'll be without kicker Mike Vanderjagt, who was cut earlier in the week. The Cowboys signed veteran kicker Martin Gramatica.

"Obviously, Jose Cortez wasn't available," says Bill Parcells. "We've made a poor man's living with journeymen kickers. Vanderjagt just didn't get the job done. Heck, he probably hasn't realized I stuck a 'Kick Me' sign on his back."

The Giants will obviously be fired up for this one. A win and they are back in first in the East, and the collapse in Tennessee will be forgotten. A loss, and they're hurting in the playoff race. New York jumps out to a quick 7-0 lead, but the Cowboys storm back and exploit a still-injured Giants' defense. Tony Romo passes for 264 yards and two touchdowns, and Dallas widens its lead in the East.

Cowboys win, 30-24.

Tampa Bay @ Pittsburgh

After being sacked nine times in a 27-0 loss in Baltimore , Ben Roethlisberger has a few words for fellow Mid-American Conference quarterback alumni Bruce Gradkowski.

What? "I've fallen and I can't get up?"

"No, fool. Always wear a helmet," says Roethlisberger. "Do you hear that sound? That's either the sound of me being peeled off the turf in Baltimore, or the sound of life-sized Fathead stickers being ripped from bedroom walls. The Ravens really gave me a pounding. That sack by Bart Scott was the hardest I've ever been hit, and that includes hits delivered by windshields."

Gradkowski has struggled of late, and John Gruden has lost a little faith in his rookie quarterback. It can hardly be a boost to Gradkowski's confidence when the injured Chris Simms is offered a contract extension.

"No, that doesn't really make me feel wanted," says Gradkowski. "In fact, it makes me sick to my stomach, so much so that I won't even be able to perform my pre-game vomit for which I'm semi-famous. Only one thing could make me feel worse: if Coach Gruden asked me to donate my spleen to Chris."

The Steelers will be without wide receiver Hines Ward and safety Troy Polamalu, both with knee injuries. But they still have Willie Parker, and Roethlisberger limits his mistakes.

Pittsburgh wins, 17-13.

Seattle @ Denver

After the Broncos' Thanksgiving night loss to the Chiefs, Jake Plummer awoke the following morning to his own personal "Black Friday." No, he wasn't the 201st person in line at Target for a $10 gift card to the first 200 customers. Instead, rumors began to surface that his days as the starter in Denver were numbered. Those rumors were confirmed as true later in the week when it was announced that Jay Cutler will start Sunday night against the Seahawks.

"Hey, what can I do?" says Plummer. "Cry about it? No way. Then everyone would call me 'Liquid Plummer.' I can't have that. What I can do is swallow my pride and this bitter pill, put on my Denver baseball cap, and be the best darn deliverer of those overhead photos faxed down to the field I can be."

Matt Hasselbeck made a shaky return to the lineup after missing four games with a knee injury. He threw three interceptions, and his fumble was returned for a touchdown by the Packers' Abdul Hodge. However, he rebounded in the second half to throw three TD passes, and Shaun Alexander shook off his rust with a 40 carry, 201-yard game as the Seahawks won 34-24.

"Hey, if you add my first-half passer rating to my second-half passer rating," says Hasselbeck, "it equals zero. Not really. You can't have a negative passer rating. Otherwise, Jake Plummer would have one."

Is Cutler ready for the big time, with a national television audience watching? Probably not. That's why the Broncos will run the ball 45 times, although don't be surprised if Cutler takes an early deep shot to Javon Walker. Cutler makes a few nice screen passes, and is on target with a couple of three-yard outs, and the Denver defense carries the load.

Broncos win, 19-13.

Carolina @ Philadelphia

After taking over the lead in the NFC South last week, the Panthers went to Washington and lost to the Redskins, 17-13. Washington may have only four wins, but three of those have come at the expense of teams in the playoff hunt, Jacksonville, Dallas, and now the Panthers.

"We had our chances, we just didn't capitalize," says John Fox. "Honestly, I think Jake Delhomme was trying to split the uprights on that final pass intended for Steve Smith. I've seen golfers miss their target by that much, but not professional quarterbacks. Someone check this fact for me? Did Jake actually lead us to the Super Bowl in 2003?"

Yes, he did. Hey coach, here's an equation that sums it up. What is Delhomme minus Smith? Kerry Collins. And while we're talking mathematics, here's another equation. The Eagles minus Donovan McNabb equals no playoffs.

"Here's more on the subject of mathematics," says Andy Reid. "We're still mathematically alive in the playoff race. Until someone tells me we're out of it, we're going to give it our best shot. When someone tells me we're out of it, then I can devote the full extent of my time to the competitive cup-stacking circuit. Man, talk about athletes!"

The Panthers are like the Jaguars: they win when they have to, but not when they need to. They have to win here. Of course, if they don't, and New Orleans loses to the 49ers, it's no big deal. Delhomme connects with Smith for a 45-yard score, and the Panthers intercept Garcia twice.

Carolina wins, 21-14.