Seeing as how we are in the midst of crunch time in the NFL, the start of a new college basketball season, and more than a month into the NBA and NHL seasons, I'm going to tackle the hottest topic in sports — the WNBA.
Okay, that may be a stretch, but it doesn't have to be. Sure, the WNBA is not popular. To most sports fans, especially males, the WNBA is actually more useful as a punch line than as a professional sports operation.
I don't consider myself extremely popular, but I don't know a single person who has ever seen a WNBA game. In fact, during a completely unscientific poll of 78 popular people, only three claimed to know someone who's watched a game and even those three finished their statements by asking "wait, you said NBA, right?" So while it's not big now, it doesn't always have to be that way. With a few quick simple fixes, the WNBA could quickly establish itself as the next great major sports league.
There will be people who read that last sentence and laugh, and rightfully so. Last time I checked, the WNBA TV ratings were below the XFL (granted I haven't checked the ratings since February 2001, but it's not like a lot's changed since then, right?). Still, the people laughing now will be the ones fighting for spots on the bandwagon in a matter of months. So how does a league go from the bottom of the barrel to the cream of the crop so quickly? Just by following these 10 easy steps.
1) Playing Against Men
I know that the WNBA is fundamentally sound basketball. I get it that the college and pro "ballers" forget some of the finer points of the game. I'm even willing to accept that this formulaic style of play is appealing to someone, somewhere. Still, you will never be able to sell the product without at least an exhibition against men. People need to know not only that the WNBA has these great fundamentally sound players, but that those fundamentals translate into winning basketball.
Detractors like to joke with their un-athletic friends that they could field a team and beat a WNBA squad and this line of thinking needs to end. Simply put, the WNBA needs to play an exhibition against men just to prove the product is deserving of legions of new fans. A win like that would bring instant credibility to the level of play.
The big question now is, where do you find this team? You can't put the Detroit Shock up against the Detroit Pistons and you might not even feel comfortable putting them against the local college teams. Fortunately, I've found just the team for them be the WNBA whipping boy. A team that has lost more than 1,000 consecutive games. A team that last recorded a win in an intra-squad scrimmage and hasn't won a game since in franchise history. That team is the New York Nationals, the team who drew the unfortunate luck of playing the Harlem Globetrotters night in and night out.
This way, a WNBA team gets to notch a win over a professional team of basketball playing men. Surely, they can't lose to a team that doesn't know the first thing about winning. Heck, the Nationals haven't won a game in 10+ years and they haven't even fired their coach, it's like this team's sole purpose is to consistently lose. Whatever the case may be, it's one a WNBA team needs to take advantage of.
2) Attacking Potential Fans
I have no doubt that every executive in the WNBA marketing and advertising wing think it's bad practice to attack potential fans. Of course, it wouldn't need fixing if it wasn't broken, so it's time for those executives to do something fresh. The real goal of the marketing folks should be to bring people into arenas or to their TVs and let the product do the rest. An easy way to accomplish this with men is the same way most women get things from men — a guilt trip. What do slogans like "We got next" or "Have you seen her?" do? Every advertisement should easily convey the message to men that if they don't give the WNBA a shot, it's because they are outrageously sexist.
TV ads could depict a group of men set in some 1950s setup talking about how women are inferior. When the wife comes into the room to suggest they all attend a women's basketball game later, the men can all laugh before one of them says, "Women shouldn't be playing basketball, they should just be grateful we let them vote!" Enough of this and some men will be obligated to give it a try, and then surely they will be hooked for life.
3) Fire
The first league that can bring the passion of college sports to the professional stage will be one of the most successful endeavors in sports history. For some reason, college sports never seem to lack that passion and pro sports have never been able to capture it. What is it that college sports have that pro sports don't? Fire. For instance, after Ohio State beat Texas earlier this season, there were about 35 fires around the Columbus campus. If they had lost, that number may have doubled (or not, burning things doesn't seem to be contingent upon winning or losing).
If the WNBA wants to capture that attitude and passion, they need to start fires. Lots of them. To make things simple the league could adopt a formula used by plenty of other teams and have a group of fans win a chance to watch the game from "the best seat in the house," which is usually a sofa near the court. After the game, torch the sofa.
I can't think of a single group of people that would oppose a post-game bonfire. Families can make smores, coeds always love playing with fire, and the local fire department can handle the cleanup as a practice. No other league does this and no other league has been able to bring the college passion to their sport. Coincidence? Absolutely not. Note to WNBA execs: Smokey the Bear says only you can prevent unimaginable growth.
4) Ritual Sacrifice
NASCAR is one of the most successful sports operations in America. Tens of thousands attend races and millions more watch on TV. There's no denying its massive boom in popularity, NASCAR is where it is at. What's the secret to their success? Recently, the FDNY released a report claiming that six people on average die while attending a NASCAR race weekend. I can't think of a single sport that has that sort of a spectator death rate, but I also can't think of a sport experiencing anything close the population surge NASCAR's experiencing.
NASCAR supporters claim this sort of thing happens when you get thousands of people in one place, but the WNBA can't rely on that until the fans start catching on. In the meantime, ritual sacrifice looks like the way to go. How they do it should be up to each franchise in order to establish some local flavor. If they are looking for ideas, the main causes of death at races are heart attacks, fires, injuries, and auto accidents in and around the tracks.
5) Isiah Thomas
He needs to become the new president of the league. It's really a move that works out well for both parties. It's only a matter of time before the Knicks get tired of failure and it would be best for Thomas to leave on his own terms. What better move than rescuing a league that many thought was unsalvageable? This works out well for the WNBA, too.
The argument can be made that Thomas doesn't exactly have a Midas touch as his greatest managerial feat was bankrupting the Continental Basketball Association exceptionally fast. To me, that just means he's due to start making some genius decisions. The guy has done nothing but fail as a manager and can't possibly be this bad, so he's ready for a breakout performance. Don't look at his track record to rationalize this move, look at his enormous upside.
6) Steroid Controversy
I think it's pretty clear these days that you aren't a major professional sport until your league president gets called to the capital to be humiliated by congressmen. Bonus: the video from Isiah Thomas getting grilled by senators will make for a well-spent trip to YouTube.
7) Street Cred
NBA players only become stars after they've established some street cred. If the common fan doesn't respect the player, then there's no hope in successful marketing. The Pacers have Stephen Jackson firing shots at a vehicle that struck him outside a strip club and I can't remember the last time a WNBA player was even caught firing a water pistol. There should be two players on every roster now who should spend the offseason lying, stealing, and cheating until they establish enough cred to start selling shoes. A few incidents of abuse (drug, spousal, it doesn't matter) would really help the league resonate with the "cool kids." What does it say about your league when you can't buy the championship ring of a fallen star on eBay?
8) Cheerleaders
Not much to say on this one except can you think of a league created in the past 15 years that was able to succeed without cheerleaders? Didn't think so. Also, don't be cute with this and reason that since it's women playing the game that men should be the cheerleaders. At least do it like college teams and have a number of attractive girls and diminutive guys.
9) Professional Wrestling
Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone once fought in the squared circle as part of a WCW tag team match long before the WWE conquered wrestling. Since that match, the NBA has only grown in popularity and seems healthier today than it has been in years. I'm sure this wrestling match had little to do with those results, but as successful people like to say, every little bit helps.
Of course, for a woman to fight in the WWE these days, it pretty much has to be in some sort of match focusing solely on ripping the other person's clothes off. If they feel they are too highbrow for that, they could always go to the organization that is quickly rising in popularity and is destined to corner the fighting market: the UFC. It would only take a girl or two to step into the octagon to boost popularity of the entire league.
10) Internet Advertising
No one has ever mastered Internet advertising and the WNBA could see a boost in name recognition if they became the first. If you want to reach the majority of web users, then you have to cover all your bases and take some chances. Really, what type of content dominates the web? Pornography. Anyone can advertise on major sports and news websites, but cast the net wider and you're sure to reach more potential fans.
If the WNBA can follow these simple steps, I guarantee that Isiah Thomas and company will be enjoying all that comes with being recognized worldwide as one of the most popular sports leagues. The fish are there and are just waiting for the WNBA execs to pickup the rod.
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