NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 12 (Pt. 2)

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Minnesota

The Cardinals got 96 yards rushing from Edgerrin James and two touchdowns from Matt Leinart in their 17-10 defeat of the Lions, Arizona's second win of the year. They improved to 2-8, tied with the Lions and Raiders for the worst record in the league.

"Unfortunately, we now hold the tiebreaker over the Lions," says Leinart. "But we did lose to the Raiders earlier this year. So we're in good shape for the No. 1 pick next year. Can we draft a coach, possibly one nicknamed 'Mooch?' Or maybe an offensive lineman? My lifestyle requires protection, on the field and off. Obviously, we're not going to the Super Bowl, or the Burger King Bobble Bowl, for that matter."

Minnesota lost their fourth-straight game, falling 24-20 to the Dolphins despite holding them to only four yards rushing.

"Apparently, we made the right decisions about Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss," says Vikings' owner Zygi Wilf. "Daunte's on the bench in Miami and Randy is nowhere to be found. Now, the decisions to sign Brad Johnson and Chester Taylor looked good at first, but lately, they've been scoring for the other team and not us. There is absolutely no reason to lose a game in which you hold the other team to four yards rushing."

The Vikes should break their four-game skid against the Cardinals. James won't get anywhere near his Week 11 rush total against Minnesota. Chester Taylor rushes for 138 yards and a score, and Johnson throws for two touchdowns.

Vikings win, 27-13.

Carolina @ Washington

The Panthers held the high-powered Rams attack scoreless, allowing only 111 total yards in a 15-0 win over St. Louis in Charlotte. Carolina sacked Marc Bulger seven times and Steve Smith scored on a 62-yard pass from Jake Delhomme. Carolina rushed for 242 yards against the Rams, lead by 114 on the ground by DeAngelo Williams.

"I'm pleased with the performance of the offense and defense," says John Fox, smacking a wad of Juicy Fruit, "but one thing concerns me. And that is the result of our 242 yard rushing: only 15 points, and none scored by the rushing game. That's going to be a problem come playoff time, and not making the playoffs will be a problem come playoff time."

Joe Gibbs made the change at quarterback last week when Jason Campbell got the start over Mark Brunell. Campbell played well, with two touchdown passes and no interceptions, albeit in a losing effort to the Bucs.

"Hey, this is Washington, D.C.," says Joe Gibbs. "Just like the Republicans were voted out of the House and Senate, I had to kick Mark to the curb. Maybe he should follow former Redskin quarterback Heath Shuler into politics. Heath couldn't look off a safety, but he sure knows how to sucker a voter."

Carolina has ascended to the top of the NFC South by winning two straight, while the Saints and Falcons have lost two and three, respectively, in a row. They remain on top with a 27-21 win over the Redskins. Steve Smith catches seven passes for 109 yards and a touchdown.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

In the last two weeks, Chad Johnson has caught 17 passes for 450 yards and five touchdowns, and now leads the league in receiving yards. Last week against the Saints, he lit up the New Orleans' secondary for three TDs, but due to a sore hamstring, did not celebrate.

"That's what you think," says Johnson. "That's was my patented 'fake hamstring injury' touchdown celebration, guaranteed never to be outlawed by the NFL. Dang, gringo, do you really think I would score and not celebrate? Who do I look like, Marvin Harrison? Ocho-ocho's a great receiver, but the brother needs to show some moves."

The Browns held the Steelers to three points through three quarters, then surrendered 21 points in the fourth to lose 24-20 to their hated rivals. The Steelers scored on drives of 87, 79, and 77 yards to complete the comeback.

"Defense, defense, wherefore art thou defense?" asks Crenel. "Our prevent defense didn't do much preventing. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and the town of Cleveland. That would be our fourth quarter defense."

Ocho-cinco remains on a tear, with 135 yards receiving and a 65-yard touchdown from Palmer. Johnson then mocks the Dawg Pound crowd by humping the goal post, then marking his territory.

Cincinnati wins, 30-24.

Houston @ N.Y. Jets

After a scoreless first half against the Bears, New York coach Eric "The Ice" Mangini opted for an onside kick to start the second half. Needless to say, the Bears recovered, kicked a field goal a few plays later, and went on to win 10-0.

"Sure, it turned out to be a bad decision," says Mangini, "but I've seen worse. Like Leon Washington's Topps trading card. The dude's flipping us the bird double barreled-style. I hear it's worth about $50 right now, and it's trading straight up for the Chris Henry card in which he's holding a six-shooter and a six pack. Plus, there are other cards available. There's the Randy Moss 'moon shot,' the Jake Plummer 'finger,' and the classic Minnesota Vikings' cruise ship team photo, in which they're all smiling."

In Houston, David Carr tied and NFL record by completing 22 consecutive passes in a 24-21 loss to the Bills. Carr broke the record set by Washington's Mark Brunell earlier this year at Reliant Field.

"Obviously, the record is cursed," says Carr. "Brunell set the record and gets benched; I tie the record and we lose. Something is amiss when you tie an NFL record for completions and lose. It's downright shocking, much like offensive lineman Fred Weary getting tasered last week for resisting arrest. And get this. The charges were dropped, so Fred got tasered for nothing! That's too bad, but it's still reason to celebrate. That's why I'm presenting Fred this autographed copy of AC/DC's High Voltage album, plus a brand new set of jumper cables."

At 5-5, the Jets can't afford a loss to the Texans if they intend to make the playoffs. They may likely be in a fight with the Jaguars for the last spot. And since the Jags have already beaten the Jets, New York would have to finish a game up on Jacksonville. Their schedule favors that scenario. Among their remaining games, they have to go to Green Bay, Minnesota, and Miami, while the Jags have Indy and New England at home, and finish at Kansas City. I'd say that favors the Jets.

Jets win, 23-13.

Jacksonville @ Buffalo

A record-setting day by Bills receiver Lee Evans powered Buffalo to a 24-21 win over the Texans. Evans scored on a pair of 83-yard bombs from J.P. Losman in the first quarter, and finished with 11 catches for 265 yards, a franchise record for yardage.

"I had no idea J.P. could throw the ball that far," says Evans, admiring his gold medal won in the 400 meter dash at the 1968 Summer Olympic Games in Mexico City, Mexico, "much less do it twice. But it's great to be in the Buffalo record book and be associated with all the other record-holders, although hopefully I won't be the second inductee into the slimeball wing of the Buffalo Hall of Fame currently inhabited solely by O.J. Simpson."

Jacksonville thoroughly dominated the Giants on Monday night, holding them to 25 yards rushing in a 26-10 win. Jacksonville is now 2-0 in Monday night games, and 1-0 in games in which Jack Del Rio wears a dress suit made by Reebok.

"I've never felt more comfortable in a suit in my life," says Del Rio, "although I was somewhat perplexed as to why a dress suit would have a jock strap. I guess that's what makes it 'sporty.' Anyway, I was very pleased with our effort. The offense was efficient, and the defense was tenacious. That's tenacious 'D.' Which reminds me of a phrase we'll be hearing in March: 'And the Oscar for best picture goes to Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny.'"

I can definitely see that, Jack. And I can definitely see a letdown from the Jags. J.P. Losman scrambles for one score, passes for another, and the Bills' defense holds Jacksonville in check.

Buffalo wins, 17-13.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

Drew Brees passed for 510 yards in a 31-16 loss to the Bengals in the Superdome. He threw for two touchdowns, but was outdone by the Carson Palmer-to-Chad Johnson connection, which accounted for three scores.

"How often do you hear of someone passing for 510 yards in a losing cause?" asks Brees, icing down a sore right arm while longing for the days in San Diego. "That's unheard of. Almost as unheard of as a team amassing over 1,100 yards of total offense in two games and losing both. I guess you could say we have a problem on defense."

Obviously, Drew.

Michael Vick couldn't escape the Baltimore defense in a 24-10 loss to the Ravens. Vick was sacked five times and held to 127 yards passing.

"Also in a losing cause," says Vick. "Brees has some gall padding his stats like that. It's obvious he's just trying to get to the Pro Bowl. But I guarantee he won't throw for four times as much yardage as me on Sunday. And I guarantee that 28 points won't be enough to win this game."

If the Saints are to win a game, they'll have to play just a little defense, which happens to be way more than they've played in the last two weeks. Once again, they find themselves in a track meet, and once again, they don't win. The Falcons rush for 180 yards and Vick throws for two scores.

Atlanta wins, 35-30.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Quietly, the Ravens have built an 8-2 record and a three-game lead in the AFC North. But do you even hear their name mentioned with the other AFC powers, like Indianapolis, San Diego, and New England?

"No, you don't, which is an outrage," complains Brian Billick. "We've got everything those teams have, like a division lead, and something they don't have: me and my brilliant decision-making skills. We're 4-0 since I sent Jim Fassel packing. Not one of those other coaches has the nerve to fire their offensive coordinators."

The Steelers have strung together two wins for the first time this season with wins over New Orleans and Cleveland. Turnover-prone quarterback Ben Roethlisberger knows that to beat the Ravens, he can't be careless with the ball.

"Hey, I'm not known for being careless," explains Roethlisberger, "unless I'm on a motorcycle. But I realize the importance of protecting the ball, especially against a defense as fast and physical as the Ravens. Playing the Ravens in Baltimore is scary, much like meeting Rosie O'Donnell in a dark alley."

The Ravens often feast on turnovers, and they're second in the league in takeaways, while the Steelers lead in giveaways. Roethlisberger turns it over three times, and Steve McNair throws for 220 yards and a score.

Ravens win, 21-9.

San Francisco @ St. Louis

San Francisco's 20-14 upset of the Seahawks last week pulled them to within one game of the division lead. It was their third consecutive win, and was highlighted by Frank Gore's 212 yards rushing, a franchise record.

"I felt invincible," says Gore. "Like I couldn't be stopped. Which is probably exactly how Antonio Bryant felt before he was arrested for DWI, reckless driving, and resisting arrest. In his case, he was wrong. If you think you can speed down a highway doing 100 miles per hour, in a Lamborghini, no less, then you must be drunk. I guess he thought he would be released under his own recognizance. Let me tell you, I'm a teammate of Antonio's and I don't even know what he looks like."

The Rams surrendered 242 yards on the ground last week to the Panthers. Gore's 212 yards came against a much better rushing defense. The 49er game plan is simple: run the ball, chew up the clock, and keep St. Louis possessions to a minimum. Gore rushes for 145 yards and a score, and Alex Smith makes the right decisions (including not catching a ride with Bryant to the game).

San Francisco wins, 24-21.

Oakland @ San Diego

Did you see the Chargers commit two personal fouls on Denver's final possession in San Diego's 35-27 win in Denver? One was a delay of game penalty, and the other was called on Charger nose guard Igor Olshansky, who punched Denver center Tom Nalen after Nalen went for Olshansky's knee.

"Look, we all know Denver offensive line plays dirtier than the guards in The Longest Yard," Olshansky explains. "That's a fact. It's one thing to cut block me on a running play, but putting a helmet on my knee on a play when Jake Plummer was clearly spiking the ball is unforgivable. If my creator, Dr. Frankenstein, taught me one thing, it was to never let a Denver offensive lineman get away with a dirty play. Let's just say I struck a blow for defensive lineman everywhere."

Why didn't you strike a blow for Broncos fans everywhere and take out Jake Plummer?

"My bad."

Raider fans would kill for that kind of drama. You know, on-the-field drama. Instead, they have to listen to Randy Moss' sob story about being unhappy. And Andrew Walter complaining about the play calling. And the Raiders' chances of winning the No. 1 pick in next year's draft.

Last week, LaDainian Tominson scored four touchdowns against the Broncos. He won't duplicate that feat against the Raiders, but only because he won't need to. Tomlinson rushes for one TD, and San Diego forces three Aaron Brooks turnovers.

San Diego wins, 23-6.

After the game, to apologize to teammates for his second-straight no catch game, Randy Moss treats them to his Thanksgiving specialty, the "jive turkey," a turkey stuffed with collard greens and macaroni and cheese, basted and roasted in a pan of Olde English malt liquor.

Chicago @ New England

Could this be a preview of Super Bowl XLI? It could be, but only if New England and Chicago make it there in in February. If they do, it will be a rematch of Super Bowl XX, won by the Bears in dominating fashion, 46-10.

"That day still sits heavy on the hearts of New England fans," says Tom Brady. "At the time, that was the most lopsided defeat in Super Bowl history. Thanks to the 1989 Broncos for fixing that for us. Losses in the big game can be devastating, but thanks to our recent three wins, and to the Bills of the early '90s, we can all feel better about ourselves. But don't feel sorry for Buffalo; they have the NHL's No. 1 team, the Sabres, and it's the home of the Goo Goo Dolls."

The Bears continue their swing through the northeast with possibly their toughest game to date: the Patriots in New England. After taking out the Giants and Jets in consecutive weeks, Chicago will try their luck at Gillette Stadium, where the Pats are 2-3 this year.

"They must protect their house," says Lovie Smith. "No, this isn't an Under Armour commercial, but we're encouraged that the Patriots don't seem to play their best at home. They're awesome on the road, 5-0, but so are we. So I'm wondering why we aren't favored in this game."

The Bears can clinch the division with a win and Minnesota and Green Bay losses or ties. That won't happen on Sunday. The Patriots have a chip on their shoulder, intent on proving that Gillette is not an easy place to win, at least for their opponents. Brady shows why he's Tom Brady and Rex Grossman is not. Brady throws two short touchdown passes, and the Patriot defense steps up, holding Chicago to 200 yards total offense.

New England wins, 17-9.

N.Y. Giants @ Tennessee

Has anyone noticed that the Giants haven't really beaten many good teams? Their six wins have come against teams with a combined 25-35 record. Throw out their win over 6-4 Dallas, and that record is 19-31. What does that tell us?

"Well, it tells me that you probably needed a calculator to crunch those numbers, you idiot," says a miffed Tom Coughlin, fresh from a sour homecoming in Jacksonville. "Sure, we're in a slump. Two things happen when you're slumping. One, you get out of it, or two, someone gets fired. I'm not going anywhere, and neither is Eli Manning. He'll break out soon enough. And don't give me this crap that we should have taken Phillip Rivers over Eli. Rivers is a good quarterback made better by LaDainian Tomlinson. Heck, give me a running back with 22 touchdowns and I could quarterback the Chargers."

Two of Tennessee's three wins have come on the road against NFC East competition. Luckily for the Giants, this game's in Nashville. And after the Titans' impressive win against Philly and the Giants' sorry showing in Jacksonville, the line on this game is much lower than it would have had the Titans lost and Giants won. If you're a betting person, take the Giants -2 1/2 or -3, depending on the line and/or your level of addiction. Tiki Barber carries the ball 35 times for 174 yards and never complains about lack of carries again.

New York wins, 27-20.

Philadelphia @ Indianapolis

What looked to be a marquee matchup featuring Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning is now a Peyton Manning versus Jeff Garcia showdown. Not exactly what NBC had in mind when they made this their flex game, but it's too late to change that to Chicago at New England.

"Hey, if they want to make the Bears/Patriots the flex game," says Manning, "they have my blessing. I don't want to risk overexposing myself. While I have you here, let me tell you about my new dating hotline, 1-900-HOT-READ. That's 1-900-468-7323. Call for available singles in your area."

Philly lost Donovan McNabb for the year due to a torn ligament in his right knee. And noted humanitarian Terrell Owens has made it clear he won't be sending McNabb any "get well" wishes.

"Well, I'll be dad gummed," exclaims McNabb. "I was expecting T.O. to show up wearing a candy striper's uniform with a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. How many times do I have to say it without coming right out and saying it: I hate T.O."

Jeff Garcia will start for the Eagles in place of McNabb. Garcia already has one win over the Colts, when the 49ers won in Indy 40-21 back in 2001. This is Manning's revenge.

Indianapolis wins, 38-24.

Green Bay @ Seattle

Matt Hasselbeck makes his return to the lineup after missing four games with a knee injury sustained in Week 7 against Minnesota. In Hasselbeck's absence, backup Seneca Wallace lead the Seahawks to a 2-2 record. Brett Favre was knocked out of last Sunday's game versus New England, but he is expected to make his 232nd consecutive regular season start on Monday night.

"Gosh, poor Matt," says Favre. "I can only imagine the agony he felt. It's probably the same pain I've felt hundreds of times over my career, but oddly enough, I haven't missed my last 231 starts."

Shaun Alexander returned last week from his own injury, a broken bone in his foot, and managed only 37 yards on 17 carries.

"I guess I rushed my return just a little bit," say Alexander, "but my season touchdown record is in jeopardy. We host the Chargers in Week 16. I want to be in my best health when I congratulate LaDainain Tomlinson on shattering my record."

Favre will try to keep the Packers in it, but with the Seahawks at full power, it will be difficult. Hasselbeck throws for two scores, and Alexander gets a one-yard TD plunge, leaving him 19 behind Tomlinson.

Seahawks win, 35-21.