Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Miami @ Detroit
The Dolphins won their third straight game, defeating the fading Vikings 24-20, thanks to two defensive touchdowns in the fourth quarter. Cornerback Renaldo Hill returned a fumble 48 yards, and Jason Taylor followed with a 51-yard interception return.
"Our offense left us no option," says Taylor, "but to score on our own. Did you see our rushing statistics? Ronnie Brown had 12 rushes for two yards. That might have been a three-touchdown day for Jerome Bettis, but it won't get us in the end zone. Granted, the Vikings have the NFL's best rushing defense, but I believe Charlie Brown, Foxy Brown, or even Encyclopedia Brown could have topped those numbers."
The Lions lost 17-10 in Arizona last week, and will try to rebound with a win in their traditional Thanksgiving home game. Thursday's game will mark the return of Joey Harrington, who quarterbacked in Detroit for three years with disappointing results before being traded to Miami during the offseason.
"It will be great to see Joey," says Roy Williams, "with another team. I bet he thought he was done with Thanksgiving games when he left here. You know the saying: 'Once a turkey, always a turkey.'"
The Dolphins are 2-1 against NFC North teams this year, and their defense is ranked No. 5 in the league. The Lions may be without running back Kevin Jones, who sprained an ankle against Arizona. Normally, I don't go out on a limb like this, but I think Brown will improve on his rushing numbers, maybe fiftyfold. Harrington is avenged sevenfold and seizes the day.
Miami wins, 20-16.
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
What a week for the Cowboys. First, Emmitt Smith is crowned champion on "Dancing With the Stars," then the Cowboys defeat the previously undefeated Colts, 21-14. Dallas forced four Indy turnovers, and Marion Barber III rushed for two touchdowns.
"I don't know what's more impressive," says Barber. "Our win over the Colts, or Emmitt's performance. Of course, we beat the Colts, but Emmitt had to go through Mario Lopez, A.C. Slater of "Saved By the Bell" fame. That's impressive. That's like outperforming Screech in Filming Grainy, Perverted Adult Films With D-List Stars. Now that's impressive, but somewhat sickening."
With the Giants' loss on Monday night, Dallas moved into a tie for first in the NFC East. The Cowboys and Giants share identical 6-4 records, but the Cowboys have a 1-3 division record, while the Giants are 3-0 in the division. And guess what? The Cowboys face the Giants at Giants Stadium in Week 13.
"So, you're saying we can't overlook the Bucs?" asks Bill Parcells. "Don't worry, we won't. We're playing good football right now, at least everyone except kicker Mike Vanderjagt. I don't want that Canadian to get discouraged, so I'm bringing in my good pal, Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight. If he can't get Mike's chin up, no one can. And we all know Coach Knight has a sterling record with foreigners, despite what the Puerto Rican police force may say."
There will be no letdown for the Cowboys. After going without a score against the Colts, Terrell Owens hooks up with Tony Romo for two touchdowns. Later, Romo hits paydirt again with Jessica Simpson, then checks the replay on his camera phone.
Dallas wins, 27-13.
Denver @ Kansas City
When the game is on the line, isn't it nice to have someone like Larry Johnson to turn to?
"Yeah, it must be great," says Denver's Mike Shanahan. "At least you know he won't throw an interception."
Shanahan and the Broncos were victimized by LaDainian Tomlinson's four touchdowns in their huge 35-27 loss to the Chargers last Sunday night. But Plummer's fourth down interception, which he threw right to San Diego cornerback Drayton Florence, sealed the Broncos' fate. Should Plummer falter at Kansas City on Thanksgiving night, a quarterback change is imminent, according to ESPN's Chris Mortensen, and according to the frightening shade of red on Shanahan's face.
The Chiefs pulled to within two games of the AFC West lead by defeating the Raiders 17-13 at Arrowhead. They did so in typical Kansas City fashion, by running the daylights out of Larry Johnson. L.J. rushed 31 times for 154 yards and two touchdowns.
"I don't see nothing wrong," explains Herman Edwards, "with a little bit of bump and grind. Larry's got legs, he knows how to use them. The list of great workhorse backs in this league is long and distinguished. So's my Johnson. Besides, Larry gets great mileage."s
The key to running against the Broncos is staying with it, even if you don't see early success, especially in a moderately low-scoring game. Johnson rushes 27 times for 120 yards and a score. Plummer takes another step towards the bench with two interceptions.
Chiefs win, 17-14.
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