NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 11

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Atlanta @ Baltimore

If you looked up the word "inconsistent" in the dictionary, you'd likely find it defined as "not regular or predictable; erratic."

"Whew! For a minute there, I thought you were going to tell me there'd be a picture of me in there," says Michael Vick.

Oh, your picture's in there all right, Mike. It's beside the definition or "fumble caused by own knee." That's what happened last Sunday as the Falcons were driving for what could have been the go-ahead score against the Browns. And, let me just say, that picture bears a striking resemblance to noted man-about-town Ron Mexico.

"Look, when you're dealing with such an incredible athlete," says Jim Mora, wearing an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt with Vick by his side, "you're going to have mistakes. Michael's still learning the position, believe it or not. You've heard of steep learning curves, right? Well, Michael's learning curve is a vertical line."

The Ravens shut out the Titans in the second half after giving up 26 points in the first. Former Titans Steve McNair and Derrick Mason hooked up for the game-winning score, and Kevin Dyson took a lateral from Frank Wycheck and raced for a kickoff return TD. Not really. The only Music City Miracle on this day was the fact that McNair didn't thumb his nose at the Tennessee front office.

Baltimore's three-game win streak has coincided with Cincinnati's three-game skid, and the Ravens have a comfortable three-game lead in the AFC North. Ray Lewis will be back on the field, and Adalius Thompson has the speed to monitor Vick. It will be a close one, but the Ravens pull out a tough 20-14 win.

Buffalo @ Houston

Buffalo nearly pulled off the improbable upset of the Colts, losing 17-16 in Indianapolis. Rian Lindell left a 41-yard field goal wide right that would have given the Bills the lead, and the Colts held the ball for the final six minutes of the fourth quarter to preserve the win.

"That's right," says Buffalo coach Dick Jauron. "We did everything right except win. We could just kick ourselves. We took the field with one goal in mind. But our chances at victory went right out the window when Rian missed the kick. Not that a successful field goal would have guaranteed a win. Give the Colts six minutes, and I'm sure they could have scored once against us, or twice against the Broncos or Patriots."

Houston continued to be the Jaguars' nemesis, beating them for the second time this year. The Texans intercepted David Garrard four times, and survived to go to 3-6. As was the case last week, Sage Rosenfels finished the game at quarterback for Houston, filling in for David Carr, who injured his shoulder during the game.

"Sounds like the makings of another quarterback controversy," says Houston's Gary Kubiak. "Just what the AFC needs, huh? Anyway, if David can go, he will. We'll outfit him with our new quarterback protection device, also known as the 'Maxi-Pad.' Hopefully, that will keep David healthy."

Buffalo great O.J. Simpson shows up in Houston looking for the "real killers." Unfortunately, the Juice doesn't find any murderers, but he does find rock band The Killers, and fills in on backing vocals on a cover of MC Hammer's "2 Legit 2 Quit." Then the Juice watches the A-Train, Anthony Thomas, rush for 120 yards as the Bills win, 27-24.

Chicago @ N.Y. Jets

The Bears really know how to silence their critics. After last week's loss at Miami left many unsure of the Bears' viability as NFC favorite, they quieted those doubts by outscoring the Giants 35-7 to erase of 13-3 deficit.

"I haven't heard a word out of Plaxico Burress lately," says Bears cornerback Nathan Vasher. "He was right, though. We were 'beatable,' but only for 99 net yards passing. That's nine yards less than Devin Hester's 108-yard return of Jay Feely's missed field goal. Just a word of caution to the rest of the NFL. If you're playing us in mid-November and come up short on a long field goal, we're going to tie an NFL record against you."

If the Bears have a weakness, Jets coach Eric Mangini will surely find and exploit it. Mangini got his biggest win as Jets coach, upsetting the Patriots and former boss Bill Belichick 17-14 in New England.

"Every team has a weakness," says 'The Ice Mangini,' "even the Bears. One of those is quarterback Rex Grossman. If you can put pressure on him, then you place the Bears behind the No. 8 ball. And you can run the ball on Chicago. Just ask Tiki Barber, Ronnie Brown, Frank Gore, and others."

Here's the Bears' real weakness: games in warm weather. They almost lost in Arizona and did lose in Miami. Which doesn't bode well for Chicago's chances in the Super Bowl in Miami, or the Pro Bowl in Miami, or vacation in Cancun. So, Ice Mangini, hope for unseasonably warm weather in the Meadowlands on Sunday.

If anyone still doubts the Jets after their win over the Patriots, a win over the Bears should convince those doubters. Two big wins in a row may be too much to ask of the Jets. The Jets aren't so great against the run, either, and the Bears' defense always seems to come up with big plays. Thomas Jones rushes for 115 yards, and Grossman throws for 195 yards and 2 TDs.

Chicago wins, 20-13.

Former Jets great Joe Namath is seen roaming the sidelines, feeling great, wearing a white headband with the letters "KOLBER."

Cincinnati @ New Orleans

After racking up 545 yards of total offense and still losing, the Bengals dropped to 4-5 and are now three games behind the Ravens in the AFC North. Chad Johnson's 11-catch, 260-yard, 2-TD day was overshadowed by four LaDainian Tomlinson touchdowns in a 49-41 loss to the Chargers.

"Was that a video game?" ask Marvin Lewis. "It's good to see that 'Ocho-Cinco' finally showed up only to be outdone by 'El T.' The offense is clicking, but the defense is cracking. However, our focus is clear. We may be down, but we're not giving up. That's why I'm issuing each
offensive player a poster of a kitten hanging on to a tree branch with the touching caption 'Hang in there!" As far as our defense goes, I'm presenting each player with a 'stop' sign. We know what we have to do to beat the Saints in the Superdome."

What's that, Marvelous Marvin? Stopping the high-powered New Orleans offensive attack?

"No, keeping my players off of Bourbon Street."

Like the Bengals, the Saints can score, but can't keep anyone else from scoring. That's why both teams will be in their second-straight shootout. Defense will be as non-evident as a Bengal with a clean police record. Rudi Johnson rushes for 151 yards and two touchdowns and Cincinnati wins, 38-35.

Minnesota @ Miami

Are the Dolphins gearing up for another late-season winning streak like last year's six-game run to close the season? After edging the Chiefs 13-10, Miami has won two in a row, and the Dolphins are brimming with confidence.

"Football is fun again," says Miami's Jason Taylor. "We've won our last two, we're the No. 2-ranked defense in the league, and we're playing the Vikings in Miami. By game's end, we just might have a three-game win streak and be the NFL's No. 1 defense."

The odds are good, especially if Brad Johnson continues to play like he has. Last week, in a 23-17 loss to the Packers, Johnson had the Vikings' only two turnovers. It's left Minnesota head coach Brad Childress contemplating drastic measures.

"Yep, I think we're going to have Brad euthanized," says Childress. "Or, at the very least, neutered. Seriously, though, Brad is still our starting quarterback. To be honest, I don't know who our backup is anyway. I think his name is Latoya Jackson."

Actually, coach, Brooks Bollinger is your second stringer, and the Jackson kid's name is "Tarvaris."

"Tarvaris? Didn't they have the hit single "More Than a Woman" on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack?"

If these two teams met on an elevator, it better be a darn big one. Anyway, the Vikings would be headed "down" and the Dolphins "up," at least a couple of floors. But, their meeting at Dolphins Stadium, and the 'Fins should easily stop an offense that is struggling. Joey Harrington hits Chris Chambers for a long score, and Miami forces three Viking turnovers.

Miami wins, 16-10.

New England @ Green Bay

After racing to a 6-1 start, New England has lost their last two games, both at home, and last Sunday's loss to the Jets left the Patriots with only a one-game lead in the AFC East. Tom Brady failed on both occasions to lead the Pats to a tying or go-ahead score.

"Indeed, we're ice cold," says Brady. "Much like Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini's handshake at the end of the game. I tell ya,' that would have made Cold Miser proud. It got awful chilly there for a minute, but nothing a Dutch oven couldn't warm up. I know I haven't played my best
football in the last two games, but should I be concerned with our signing of Vinny Testaverde? Is my job in jeopardy, or is this Belichick's way of motivating me? Look Bill, I'm not the one that said we were out-coached. That was Richard Seymour."

Brett Favre and the Packers will welcome the Patriots to Lambeau Field for the first time since 1979. At 4-5, the Packers are in the playoff hunt with all the other mediocre 5-4 and 4-5 teams in the league. Favre is inching closer to Dan Marino's record of 420 touchdown passes. Thirteen more, and the record is his.

"Wow, the Pats haven't been here in 27 years?" says Favre, finishing his morning workout of an 80-yard sprint followed by a dead lift of Donald Driver. "Chowderheads, meet Cheeseheads.Tom Brady, meet your boyhood idol. Bill Belichick, meet the ghost of Vince Lombardi. Dan Marino, meet me at 420. Ricky Williams, meet me at 4:20."

The Patriots rarely lose two games in a row. Three in a row seems unlikely, but not impossible. Favre and Brady put on a passing show, with Brady just getting the best of the Packer icon. Brady throws for 300 and three touchdowns.

New England wins, 31-23.

Oakland @ Kansas City

Kansas City's three-game winning streak came to a halt in Miami, where the Dolphins held off a late Chiefs rally to win 13-10. Larry Johnson was limited to 75 yards on 18 carries and one touchdown as the Chiefs fell to 5-4.

"What a job by Nick Saban," says Herman Edwards. "They really took our running game away, which is our bread and butter. Without the bread and butter to rely on, Damon Huard was toast. After playing so well lately, he just had to pick the game before Trent Green medical clearance to play like dirt. Now, I've got a decision to make."

What, do you stay with Huard or go with Green?

"No, not that," Edwards replies. "Do I want the Playstation 3 $499 version or $599 version? For those prices, those things better come with an alarm system. Oh yeah, don't forget. Thanksgiving night. 8:00 PM Eastern. Broncos at Chiefs. Only on the NFL Network."

The Raiders hung tough last Sunday, losing to the Broncos 17-13, and no groins were harmed during the playing of the game. The Raiders are dead last in the AFC West and dissension is rampant in the ranks. Quarterback Andrew Walter has criticized the play calling of offensive coordinator Tom Walsh, Randy Moss says he is "unhappy," and Al Davis is spinning in his grave.

"Walter, you take your tail to solitary over there with Jerry Porter," says Art Shell. "Only bread and water for you punks, and you'll be forced to read Tom Walsh's play book. Moss, you're obviously immune to punishment, since what you're doing is no different from what got Andrew and Jerry in trouble in the first place. And you might want to review the role of a receiver, whose main job is to catch the ball."

To have any chance at winning, the Raiders need a little something from their offense, ideally some points, and a couple of first downs at the least. Their defense will keep them in it, but ultimately, one catch for eight yards by Moss just won't cut it. With Green at quarterback, the Chiefs win, 20-13.

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

Big Ben is back! Ben Roethlisberger played an error-free game, throwing for 264 yards and three touchdowns with no turnovers as the Steelers beat the NFC North-leading Saints, 38-31.

"That kind of performance would get Charlie Batch a seat on the bench and a clipboard," says Bill Cowher, "even if Charlie's the one producing those numbers. We'll do our best to make the playoffs, but if we don't, I'm off to N.C. State as soon as they can Chuck Amato. That job is even more enticing now that Butch Davis will be coaching North Carolina. I owned Butch when he was at Cleveland; I can own him at Carolina. And he could probably get me some choice Tar Heel basketball tickets."

"Butch Davis left a mess here that I'm still cleaning up," says Cleveland head coach Romeo Crenel. "Wasn't he responsible for drafting Tim Couch? Where is that guy now? I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up on the Tar Heel coaching staff, along with Phil Ford."

The Dawg Pound will be rocking for this one, especially after Joey Porter turns his pit bulls loose on the north end zone bleachers before the game. Porter then goes wild himself, sacking Charlie Frye twice. Roethlisberger throws for 295 yards and two touchdowns.

Pittsburgh wins, 23-14.

St. Louis @ Carolina

Last Monday, when Steve Smith didn't have his head buried in a trash can, he was busy catching eight passes for 149 yards and a touchdown to lead the Panthers to a 24-10 win over the Buccaneers. Despite missing two games, Smith is fourth in the league in receiving yards and seventh in receptions.

"They call me 7-11," says Smith, "'cause I'm always open. And they call me Earl."

The Rams learned a hard lesson in Sunday's 24-22 loss to the Seahawks in Seattle in a game for first in the NFC West.

"What's that lesson?" asks Marc Bulger. "Always make sure you have at least a three-point lead on the Seahawks if you're going to give them the ball last?"

Yeah, that's a good one. Here's another: if you want to call yourself a contender in the NFC West, you need to beat other teams in the division besides the 49ers. And if you have a fourth and one inside the red zone, give Steven Jackson the ball, don't pass it. Who's calling the plays? Mike Martz?

Smith's breakout moment came against the Rams in the 2004 playoffs on the way to Carolina's appearance in Super Bowl XXXVIII when he took a pass from Jake Delhomme and scored the winning touchdown in overtime. Expect another big game from Smith. I know the Panthers are, because they'll lose if they don't get it. It's a shootout, but big plays from Smith lead the Panthers to a 27-24 win.

Tennessee @ Philadelphia

The big play is back in Philadelphia. Philly used an 84-yard touchdown pass from Donovan McNabb to Donte Stallworth and a Sheldon Brown 70-yard interception return to power a 27-3 beating of the Redskins. Coupled with the Giants' loss to the Bears, Philly is now only one game out of first in the NFC East.

"We're not playing the Rocky theme just yet," says McNabb, "although I did have a nice jog and workout to the Rocky III theme, "Eye of the Tiger." And I physically assaulted a side of beef. And I think Talia Shire is hot."

Tennessee had the Ravens on the ropes in Nashville, leading 26-14 at the half, and eventually losing 27-26 when Rob Bironas' 43-yard field goal was blocked by Trevor Pryce.

"It hasn't been a good year for feet here in Tennessee," says Jeff Fisher. "With Bironas missing game-winning kicks and Albert Haynesworth stepping on defenseless players, I'm ready to put a boot up someone's tail. Just a few words of advice to the Eagles: keep your helmets on, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars."

McNabb throws for 280 yards and three scores, and the Eagles outgun the Titans, although Vince Young flashes brilliance on occasion, passing for one score and rushing for another.

Philadelphia wins, 27-22.

After the game, Philly gangsters Vinny and Joey take the baseball bats to Tennessee wannabe mobsters Cletus and Bubba, who realize that while they may have the black market smokeless tobacco business covered in Tennessee, they are no match for Vinny and Joey's operation.

Washington @ Tampa Bay

The 'Skins faced the Bucs in Tampa last year in the wildcard round of the playoffs, a game won by the 'Skins with something they have sorely lacked this year — defense. Their major defensive playmaker, Sean Taylor, is not making plays, they are not creating turnovers, and their tackling has been awful.

"Defense is not my forte," says coach Joe Gibbs, "but I'm going to try my darndest to make our defense better. I'll start with an early Christmas gift to each defensive player, the 'Tackle Me Elmo' doll, from Tyco. Pull Elmo's string, and he'll say such lines as 'Come on! Wrap me up,' 'You hit like a girl,' and 'Tackle Me Elmo, you just got Jacked Up!' If that doesn't work, then defensive coordinator Gregg Williams gets the boot and we're bringing the heavy artillery by naming former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld coordinator."

Compounding Washington's problems is a new one, the loss of Clinton Portis, who broke his hand last Sunday and is out for the season.

"It hurts to know I won't get back on the field," says Portis, "but not nearly as much as knowing I won't be able to perform my favorite dance, "The Hand Jive," from the Broadway musical Grease."

With Portis out, and Jason Campbell getting his first start, the Bucs' defense should give their offense some opportunities for easy scores. Bruce Gradkowski has a particularly refreshing pre-game vomit, and throws two short touchdown passes.

Tampa wins, 19-14.

Detroit @ Arizona

Sunday afternoon's game at the University of Phoenix Stadium will pit two of the NFL's worst teams. No, not the last two teams to beat the Falcons. I'm talking about the 2-7 Lions and the 1-8 Cardinals. The Cardinals are the league's sole remaining one-win team.

"I like to call that a 'quality single,' says Arizona quarterback Matt Leinart. "And I'm always on the lookout for quality singles. I'm a player, and the only other guy on this team that can match my player prowess is our punter, Scott Player. Chicks dig the single-bar facemask."

Detroit turned the ball over four times in a 19-13 loss to San Francisco, including fumbles by their offensive stars, Jon Kitna, Kevin Jones, and Roy Williams.

"Dang! That NBA ball is so bad it's making it hard to hold on to the NFL football," says Williams. "Oops! I think I can get a technical for saying that."

No playoff implications are on the line in this one, although draft implications abound. And, should any of these players decide to drink and drive, there will be more implications — on DWI charges, which seems to be the crime of choice this year among NFL players. Hey, can ABC employ a flex schedule, and move the Michigan/Ohio State game to Sunday? No? Too bad.

Kevin Jones rushes for 90 yards and a score, and Williams gets 100 yards receiving against the NFL's fourth-worst pass defense.

Detroit wins, 28-21.

Seattle @ San Francisco

Seattle's Josh Brown stunned the Rams with a 38-yard field goal with nine seconds left to give the Seahawks a 24-22 win and a season sweep over the Rams. In Week 6, Brown nailed a 54-yarder as time expired to beat the Rams. The win gave the Seahawks a two-game lead in the West over the Rams and 49ers, and a five-game cushion over the Cardinals.

"Just like another famous denizen of the Pacific Northwest," says Brown, "you can call me 'Bigfoot.' Like the original Bigfoot, I'm rarely caught on film except in dramatic instances. And, like Bigfoot, I have a cousin named 'Yeti.'"

The 49ers won their second straight game, 19-13 over the Lions, behind Frank Gore's 159 yards on the ground, including a 61-yard touchdown run. Gore, nicknamed "El Toro" because of his bullish style, is second in the NFC in rushing yards, and attributes some of his success to the matador standing in the end zone holding a red cape.

"It's also nice when the crowd chants 'Olé!'" explains Gore. "But the Mariachi band that follows me around borders on overkill."

Sunday's game in San Francisco will be the biggest event in the city since the 2003 Rice-A-Roni Festival. With a win Sunday, the 49ers would only be one game behind the Seahawks. San Fran coach Mike Nolan comes dressed to impress in his dress suit designed by Reebok, and his players are equally impressive. Gore rushed for a score, and the fired-up 49ers pull off the upset, 23-20 on Joe Nedney's fourth quarter field goal. Under Armour immediately throws its do-rag into the dress suit ring.

Indianapolis @ Dallas

Upon defeating the Bills 17-16, Indianapolis became the first team in NFL history to start two consecutive seasons 9-0. It wasn't pretty, and was somewhat anticlimactic after their wins over AFC powers Denver and New England.

"Look, they don't give an award for starting the season 9-0," says Peyton Manning, "although if they did, I'm sure Kanye West would he irate that he didn't win it. But, as you know, I'm not all about awards, unless it's the Advertising Age 'Pitchman of the Year' award. I'll gladly accept that. But as far as an undefeated season goes, I'm not at all worried about it. I'm just concerned with going undefeated against the Cowboys, you know, like the Steelers in Super Bowls."

Tony Romo and Terrell Owens hope that their budding big-play connection will provide the impetus to upset the undefeated Colts. Owens lives for moments like this, and also enjoys appearing on Live With Regis and Kelly to promote his new children's book Little T Learns to Share.

"In the fiction aisle, of course," explains Owens. "Also, look for companion books in the non-fiction section with titles such as Little T Falls Asleep in a Meeting, Little T Berates His Receivers' Coach, and Little T Drops a Pass."

The Cowboys certainly have the offensive weapons to hang with the Colts. But I doubt the Colts have any qualms about their chances in a scoring contest with the Cowboys, or any team for that matter. Manning stays one step ahead of the Dallas defense, and throws touchdown passes to Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison.

Indy wins, 40-35.

San Diego @ Denver

Do the Broncos have a chance against a team that scored 42 points in one half last Sunday?

"Sure, we do," says Jake Plummer. "Just as good of a chance as we do against a team that gave up 28 points in one half."

I guess in both cases, we're talking about the Chargers, who eliminated a 28-7 halftime deficit by outscoring the Bengals 42-13 in the second half to win 49-41. LaDainian Tomlinson rushed for four touchdowns, and Phillip Rivers threw for 338 yards and three touchdowns.

"That's seven touchdowns right there!" says San Diego kicker Nate Kaeding. "Rhymes with 'ca-ching! Dang! I've got an easy job."

If Denver is to win, they'll have to use the formula that's worked so far: tough defense and a conservative offense, also known as "Jake Plummer is your quarterback." After two great games, Plummer resorted to the Plummer that keeps Mike Shanahan on edge, with three interceptions against the Raiders.

"It's all on Jake's shoulders this time," says Shanahan. "Is he going to be a man and protect the ball and make the right throws, or is he going to let a first-year quarterback outplay him on his home turf?"

What Rivers lack in age and experience to Plummer, he makes up for with his passer rating, which is nearly 29 points higher than Plummer's. Whoever avoids the costly errors will likely emerge victorious. Denver will most likely try to take away Tomlinson's rushing, but he's a dangerous receiver, as well. Javon Walker has been Denver's big playmaker this year. Look for those two to make game-changing plays. Inevitably, this comes down to offense. I like the Chargers.

San Diego wins, 27-24.

N.Y. Giants @ Jacksonville

Tom Coughlin makes his return to Jacksonville with an ailing Giants team coming off a harsh 38-20 loss to the Bears. Coughlin led the Jaguars to the AFC championship game in 1998, then was dumped in 2002. Early in 2003, Jack Del Rio was named head coach of the Jaguars.

"And that's when Jacksonville became 'New Jack City,'" Del Rio proclaims. "I'm no Wesley Snipes, but I can advise you of this when the Jaguars play on Monday nights: 'Always bet on Jack.' Now, does anyone have a cure for jungle fever?"

The Giants have several players out or questionable for the game, including defensive linemen Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora. Also, offensive lineman Luke Petitgout is out with a broken leg.

"It looks like the strain of simulating a jump shot after every play has finally taken its toll," Coughlin comments.

The Jags are hurting, as well, as are their playoff hopes. They won't win the division, and can't afford many more losses in what is sure to be a spirited race for wildcard positions down the stretch. I think desperation plays a role and give Jacksonville a slight edge. David Garrard rushes for a fourth quarter score, much to the dismay of Byron Leftwich, and Jacksonville wins, 23-17.