NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 10

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Baltimore @ Tennessee

The hatred from this old AFC Central rivalry will carry over as the Ravens, fresh off last Sunday's defeat of the Bengals, travel to Nashville to face the Titans, who were titanically bullied by the Jaguars 37-7.

"Hate is a pretty strong word," says the Titans Jeff Fisher, "and a perfect one to describe my feelings towards Brian Billick and the Ravens. 'Abhor' and/or 'despise' would also do the trick. Anyway, we realize this version of the Ravens is very much like the Super Bowl-winning team of 2001: a dominant defense, efficient offense, and a man I hate as coach."

The Ravens have a full two-game lead in the AFC North after beating Cincinnati. As they have done often, the Ravens' defense scored a touchdown to give the offense an early cushion and the opportunity to pound Jamal Lewis. That kind of ball control keeps the defense rested, should they be called upon to score another touchdown.

"Vince Young, you've never seen a defense quite like this one," says Billick. "And you thought he had trouble with the Wonderlic test. We're going to bring all the heat we have against those Tennessee hillbillies. And don't tell me they're not hillbillies. After all, No. 15 on the University of Tennessee's football team is named 'Jim Bob Cooter.'"

Once again, the Baltimore defense sets up the offense with a short field when Young is intercepted by linebacker Adalius Thomas, nicknamed "Kama Sutra" for his mastery of all positions. Lewis punches it in for a quick 7-0 lead, and the Ravens don't look back.

Baltimore wins, 26-10.

Buffalo @ Indianapolis

With Chicago's loss to Miami, the Colts are now the league's only undefeated team, a badge earned the hard way with back-to-back wins on the road in Denver and New England. With two huge wins under the belt, are the Colts primed for a letdown?

"Yes, we are,” says Peyton Manning. "After conquering the Patriots, and the 'Phantom Fourth Down Conversion,' overconfidence could be a problem. Luckily, we're playing the Bills, and a letdown is still good enough for a beatdown. But, we're not underestimating the Bills by any means. If I've learned nothing else in my life, I've learned not to insult the Bills, and certainly not to disparage Buffalo's prodigal sons, the Goo Goo Dolls. I thought Buffalo citizens were passionate about their sports team. Shoot, not as passionate as they are about the Goo's. That Johnny Rzeznik can sing, and he's pretty darn cute, to boot, especially with makeup."

The Colts receive a standing ovation from their home crowd, and Indy homeboy John Mellencamp greets the team with his mid-'80s hit "Rain On the Scarecrow." Not Manning's favorite Mellencamp tune, the Indy QB, with a simple hand signal, orders Mellencamp to check down to "Pink Houses." It's enough to create a playoff atmosphere in the RCA Dome, despite the presence of the Bills.

Manning hits Reggie Wayne for a score in the first quarter, and adds two more passing TDs. The Bills, without Wilis McGahee, find offense hard to establish.

Indianapolis wins, 27-13.

Cleveland @ Atlanta

So, are the Falcons legitimate playoff contenders? Despite last week's 30-14 loss in Detroit, Atlanta is 5-3, and, if the playoffs started today, would qualify as a wildcard. So, yes, the Falcons are playoff contenders. The question is: how long would they remain in the playoffs? The Falcons have yet to string together three straight wins, and as it stands now, they've only beaten teams that wouldn't make the playoffs.

"Playoffs!? Playoffs?!" exclaims Atlanta coach Jim Mora, Jr. "Aww, look. You almost got me to say it. Anyway, I can't repeat that complete quote made famous by my father. If I do, I risk copyright infringement. Dad's copyrighted that saying. He's got them on t-shirts, baseball caps, and even has a movie in the works on Lifetime Network called Playoffs!? Playoffs!? You're Asking Me About the Playoffs?: The Jim Mora, Sr. Story. But that's beside the point. We've got our minds on one thing, and that's the Browns, although the Ravens the following week is of concern."

Cleveland lost to the Chargers last week 32-25 in a game that wasn't as close as the score indicated. And the Browns will be hard-pressed to beat the favored Falcons in Atlanta.

"Look, we know Atlanta's got a lot going for it," says Cleveland quarterback Charlie Frye, who leads the NFL in turnovers. "After all, Hooters and Waffle House are headquartered there. Great food and hot waitresses, and Hooters ain't bad, either. Anyway, Cleveland's got it going on, too. We've got the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and LeBron James. But, sadly, we have no logo on our helmet."

Atlanta has already beaten two teams from the AFC North, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati. Add Cleveland to that list. Alge Crumpler hooks up with Vick, and the Falcons pile up 180 yards on the ground.

Atlanta wins, 23-14.

Green Bay @ Minnesota

It wasn't a good day for the NFC North, as the top three teams in the division, including the undefeated Bears, went down. The Packers lost in Buffalo, while the Vikings managed just three points in a 9-3 loss in San Francisco. That's a total of 10 points scored by the Vikings in their last two losses.

"Hey, the Wild would kill for that kind of production," says Minnesota head coach Brad Childress, "but it is intolerable in my book. When your offense is single-leggedly beaten by the opposition's kicker, you know the offense is in trouble, and blame falls squarely on the shoulders of Brad Johnson, who turned the ball over three times against the 49ers. Finally, I understand the frustration that Mr. Hand must have felt with Jeff Spicoli."

"Hey, Coach Childress,” say Brett Favre, heartburn-free, "give Brad Johnson a break. He's 38-years-old, for Christ's sake. He's almost as old as the Super Bowl. And he's a good ole country boy, just like me. I know he's nowhere near catching Dan Marino in touchdown passes, but Brad's the only quarterback in NFL history to catch a touchdown pass from himself. That's talent right there. I bet that caused some confusion in the box score."

In this battle of two of the oldest quarterbacks in the league, who will be the "Ageless Wonder" and who will be the "Ageless Blunder?" Favre limits his mistakes, and throws two TD passes, one each to Donald Driver and Ahman Green. After one score, Favre simulates "mooning" the Metrodome crowd, an antic found hilarious by Joe Buck.

Packers win, 24-20.

Houston @ Jacksonville

Backup quarterback David Garrard threw for three touchdowns to lead the Jaguars to a 37-7 drubbing of the Titans, the Jags' second-straight win. Garrard, filling in for Byron Leftwich, who has been bothered by an ankle injury, hit Ernest Wilford for two TDs, and the Jacksonville offense continued to click under Garrard's leadership. Is there a quarterback controversy in Jacksonville?

"Hey, don't ask me," says Jack Del Rio. "Ask Byron. He made the announcement last week that Garrard would be the starter. Apparently, he's annointed himself team spokesperson. I don't know where he's getting this insider information about team decisions. Oh, wait a minute. I told him to his face that he wasn't starting. Hey Byron, here's the scoop: you'll be the starter if David falters, or if we trade him to Pittsburgh for Ben Roethlisberger."

In Week 7, the Texans upset the Jaguars, 27-7. That won't happen this time, especially with Leftwich sulking on the pine. Maurice Jones-Drew rushes for a score, and Fred Taylor follows with one of his own.

Jaguars avenge Week 7's defeat and win, 23-9.

Kansas City @ Miami

The Dolphins took Arizona's incomplete blueprint on how to defeat the Bears and filled in the blanks in a shocking 31-13 win over the Bears in Chicago. Much to the delight of the 1972 Dolphins, the Dolphins forced six Chicago turnovers, four by Rex Grossman, and Jason Taylor returned an interception 20 yards for a score.

"We beat the Bears at their own game," says Taylor. "It's a fact. It's written. When an undefeated Bears team faces the Dolphins, the Bears will lose. Man law?”

Man law.

And guess who the Dolphins face in Week 17? The Colts, currently undefeated and already on the minds of the 1972 Dolphins. But that's in the future. Nick Saban's glorious tan may have faded by then, but the Dolphins' turnaround won't be complete unless they beat the Chiefs in Miami. To do so, you've got to do one thing: stop Larry Johnson.

"Larry Johnson is the man,” says Edwards. "At least for this week. Now, if Priest Holmes is healthy next week, I'll be in a pickle. Don't ask me questions about starters, especially not at quarterback. I've got a tough decision to make next week. Do I go with the hot hand, Damon Huard, or do I choose the veteran, Trent Green? I'm sure whatever decision I make will be criticized. But that's okay. As long as my decision gets top billing on 'Pardon the Interruption,' I'll be happy."

The Dolphins will try to pressure Huard into mistakes, but there's a simple solution to that: give the ball to Johnson. L.J. takes a screen pass from Huard on the Chiefs' first possession and races 32 yards for a score. K.C. intercepts Joey Harrington twice, and Johnson finishes the day with 145 yards on the ground.

Chiefs win, 23-10.

N.Y. Jets @ New England

Tom Brady threw four interceptions, losing his personal duel with Peyton Manning, as the Patriots fell to the undefeated Colts in Foxboro last Sunday night. Brady had thrown only four interceptions in the Patriots' previous seven games. Was it just a bad game, Tom, or good defense by the Colts?

"Neither,” says Brady. "Two of those picks were tipped at the line of scrimmage and one went right through the hands of Kevin Faulk. Of those four interceptions, I take responsibility for only the first one. Also, it doesn't help to look over at the sideline and see Bill Belichick wearing a girlie headband. What's he doing? Coaching, or going on a ski outing with Suzy Chapstick?”

New England's loss gave the Jets a glimmer of hope in the AFC East race. Should they upset the Pats, New York would pull to within one game of the division lead. And with a bye week to prepare, the Jets feel confident they can hold their own.

"I saw something last Sunday night that I never thought I would see,” says Chad Pennington. "But I really don't care to discuss my Internet habits right now. Anyway, I actually saw confusion in the eyes of Tom Brady. I don't know if it was because of the Indianapolis defense or not. Maybe he had just read Bill Belichick's injury report. Whatever the reason, our defense will give us a chance Sunday."

The rested Jets take an early lead on Pennington's pass to Laveranues Coles, but a late Pennington interception seals a 19-13 win for the Patriots.

San Diego @ Cincinnati

The Bengals are reeling at 4-4 after last Sunday's pistol-whipping courtesy of division rival Baltimore. Carson Palmer is taking more hits than a dirty website, and teammates are bickering. After a 3-1 start, the Bengals are not gellin' like felons and have dropped three of their last four.

"Will we win again?” ask Marvin Lewis. "There ain't no tellin'. I'm so upset with my team's play, my eyes are wellin'. Bobbie Williams is my right guard, and he be smellin'. Carson's knee will soon be swellin'. My favorite Winslow is Kellen. One more loss, and I'll blow my top, like Mount St. Helen.”

San Diego's LaDainian Tomlinson rushed for three touchdowns and 172 yards last week against Cleveland. He will be the main focus of a Bengals' defense rated 24th in the NFL.

"I'm going to run through that defense like a Bengal through a police checkpoint,” adds Tomlinson. "Without stopping. After the game, I'll make a donation to a needy cause, possibly the 'Bail a Bengal' charity.”

In their four losses this year, the Bengals have given up an average of 158 yards on the ground. That number should be attainable by Tomlinson, and his backup, Michael Turner, might get there, as well.

L.T. rushes for two scores, and San Diego "ochenta y sies's (86's)” the Bengals, 31-21.

San Francisco @ Detroit

Detroit's Jon Kitna threw for 321 yards, including a 60-yard touchdown to Roy Williams, as the Lions outgunned Michael Vick and the Falcons 30-14. Kitna is fifth in the league in passing yardage, and is thriving in the offense that Mike Martz brought with him from St. Louis.

"I've got to hand it to Martz," says Kitna. "Any offensive scheme good enough to make Kurt Warner an MVP and Super Bowl champion must be brilliant. I know Kurt's having a tough year, but I can see him back where he started — bagging groceries in Iowa."

Joe Nedney's three field goals were the 49ers' only offense in San Fran's 9-3 upset of the Vikings. The 49ers are 3-5, and should they win Sunday, and the Rams beat the Seahawks, then San Fran would only be one game out of first in the NFC West.

"Who says the balance of power resides in the AFC?” asks Niner coach Mike Nolan. "There are 16 potential playoff teams in the NFC; there's only about eight in the AFC. I guarantee a win by the NFC — in the NFC championship."

Kitna and Williams have formed one of the most potent combinations in the NFL, and they hook up nine times for 112 yards and a touchdown. In the fourth quarter, a second Kitna-to-Williams TD pass is overturned, which sends Lions' season ticket holder Rasheed Wallace into a rage, resulting in his ejection.

Detroit wins, 27-14.

Washington @ Philadelphia

With their season on the line, Washington pulled out a 22-19 win over Dallas to improve to 3-5, which doesn't sound too great until you scan the NFC standings and see that 3-5 means you're in playoff contention. Now, over in the AFC, 3-5 wouldn't get you a bologna sandwich, or K-Fed's new album, Playing With Fire, which dropped October 31st.

"It dropped October 31st?" asks Joe Gibbs. "What? Out of the Billboard Top 200? I've listened to Playing With Fire, and I've got to tell you, it blows. Daniel Snyder's got more rhyme skills than K-Fed. Get ready, 'cause on November 14th, D-Snyder's new album Phat Ho's, Phatter Wallets drops, and it should easily bump Playing With Fire out of the No. 315 spot on the album sales chart."

Speaking of "playing with fire," the Eagles could lose their fourth straight with a loss to the Redskins.

"Hey, I've always said, 'If you play with fire, you get burned," comments Donovan McNabb. "And speaking of Playing With Fire, K-Fed's new CD, it won't get burned. Who wants a copy of that, even if it's free? No wonder Britny dumped him. Hey Brit, if you're looking for a real man, look for another one besides me. Now, let's talk about what's real. No, not the Redskins. I'm talking about my new clothing line, Super Five. I'm very proud of my designs. I put my heart and soul into it, and even puked a few times along the way. As you can tell by our record lately, I've put more into Super Five in the last four weeks than I have football.”

McNabb throws for 220 yards and rushes for a score, and the Eagles eke out a 21-17 win.

Denver @ Oakland

Taking a cue from Burt Reynolds, Oakland quarterback Andrew Walter, who was sacked nine times by the Seahawks on Monday, walks into an offensive line meeting carrying the letter "B” and a giant combination lock.

"Guys, can I get a block?” asks Walter.

Soon realizing he's made a terrible mistake and is actually standing in front of Oakland's defensive line meeting, Walter tries to make a dash for the door, but runs smack dab into Warren Sapp, who plants Walter on his back.

"Let that be a lesson to you, Walter!" yells Sapp. "If you see a defender, run the other way, not right into him.”

Denver rebounded from it's 34-31 loss to the Colts with a 31-20 over the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Javon Walker scored three touchdowns, two on passes from Jake Plummer and one on a 72-yard reverse. Take away Walker's 72 yards rushing, and the Broncos' rush totals would have been 48 yards on 22 carries.

"That's unacceptable," says Denver's Mike Shanahan. "We'll have to establish a traditional running game against the Raiders, because they have a decent pass defense. So my theme for this week is: I gotta have more Mike Bell."

Bell could only muster 28 yards on the ground versus the Steelers, but he should triple, maybe even quadruple that against the Raiders.

Denver wins, 19-3.

Dallas @ Arizona

So, let me get this straight. Washington kicker Nick Novak missed a 49-yard field goal with 31 seconds left, then won the is game with a 47-yarder with no time left? And sandwiched between all that was a block of Mike Vanderjagt's 35-yard kick, which was returned into Dallas territory by Sean Taylor with 15 yards tacked on for a face-mask?

"Yep, that's what happened," says Bill Parcells, who kissed and hugged exactly zero of his players after the game. "You give an NFL player a second chance, nine times out of 10, he comes through. That applies to Terrell Owens. Look, I don't mind if T.O. falls asleep in a meeting, but he absolutely can't fall asleep on the receiving end of a perfect 72-yard scoring pass from Tony Romo."

Arizona is the NFL's last one-win team, and rumor has it that coach Dennis Green won't be back next year. In fact, it's widely believed that an organization-wide shakeup is in the works, so much so that it's already got a name: "Razing Arizona."

"If you want to can my ass, then can me!" yells Green, reviewing tape of the Cards' 24-23 loss to the Bears. "I know I don't have a snowball's chance in Phoenix of keeping my job, but a win over the Cowboys should at least get me a few extra vacation days, shouldn't it?"

The Cowboys have followed each of their previous three losses with wins in their next games. That trend will continue. Tony Romo keeps Owens happy with two touchdown passes, and the Cowboys win, 34-17.

New Orleans @ Pittsburgh

Hey, Bill Cowher. If I were to tell you that your quarterback would throw for 434 yards in a game, what would you say?

"That's not Steeler football,” replies Cowher.

What if I told you that same quarterback threw three interceptions?

"I'd say that guy would be my starter this week."

I thought you'd say that. But at least you know Ben Roethlisberger's arm is in shape. He threw 54 passes last week.

"My arm feels great," adds Roethlisberger, "and so does my head. So far, this month has been a November I can remember. We realize at 2-6, we're in deep trouble, but we're not done. Sure, I've heard all the jokes. I like my steaks 'well done.' My favorite country duo is 'Brooks and Dunn.' Favorite movie? Legends of the Fall. But we're not ready to throw in the Terrible Towel just yet. We got into the playoffs last year with a 10-6 record. We can finish 10-6 this year if we run the table. It's not time for a concession speech, although if we need one, I'm sure former Steeler Lynn Swann has a fresh one ready. Hey, are those vultures circling overhead?"

This has the makings of a shootout. Pittsburgh still has a potent rush defense, so the Saints will be forced to pass. And it's not like the Steelers lacked offense against a good Denver defense.

Pittsburgh wins, 38-30.

St. Louis @ Seattle

Once again, it's a showdown for first place in the NFC West as the 5-3 Seahawks host the 4-4 Rams. It was only four weeks ago that the Seahawks rallied from a 21-7 halftime deficit in St. Louis and eventually won on Josh Brown's 54-yard field goal as time expired.

"That kick took the wind out of the Rams," says Brown, "much like Tyler Brayton's knee to the groin did to Jerramy Stevens? You know, it was cool back when the Raiders were good and dirty. They disguised their cheap shots much better than Brayton did. I think Tyler's been playing too much "Blitz: The League” video game, where actions like that are totally legal. It's even endorsed by Bill Romanowski, who apparently played his entire career as if he was in the video game.”

The Seahawks will have to play one more game without injured starters Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander. They are both scheduled to return on November 19th at San Francisco.

"Why rush it?” asks Alexander. "We don't have any division losses yet; the Rams have two. We don't need this game as much as the Rams do. If we win, great. If we lose, no problem. Let's face it. The winner of this division is playing for the No. 4 seed in the playoffs. I think 9-7 will do just fine.”

Unlike the Raiders, the Rams' offense results in points, not $25,000 fines. Marc Bulger throws for 285 yards and three touchdowns, and this time, Jeff Wilkins' long field goal wins in for the Rams.

St. Louis wins, 27-24.

Chicago @ N.Y. Giants

Chicago coach Lovie Smith was not happy with his team last Sunday, as the Bears turned the ball over six times in a 31-13 loss to Miami at home, which put an end to the talk of an undefeated Chicago season.

"You think I'm unhappy?” says Smith. "I bet NBC is really irate. They could have had the undefeated Bears facing the Giants in hostile New York. But nooooo! We had to go out, turn the ball over six times, and lose badly to the Dolphins. And four of those six turnovers were Rex Grossman's. I'm beginning to wonder if Rex has an opposable thumb on that right hand."

The Giants may have been looking ahead to the Bears last week. They were heavily favored against the Texans at home, but needed a late Eli Manning to Jeremy Shockey touchdown to close out Houston.

"If we win this game," says Manning, "then you'd have to call us the favorite in the NFC. Unfortunately, that will start all the 'Eli versus Peyton' Super Bowl talk. But it would be great to play my brother and the Colts in the big one. No matter the outcome, no one could ever again say a Manning hasn't won a Super Bowl."

Injuries will play a factor: the Giants will be without Michael Strahan and Amani Toomer, while Bears starters Brian Urlacher and Bernard Berrian are questionable. I'll take the New York offense, backed by the maniacal New York fans, over the Chicago defense.

New York wins, 23-17.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Anytime the Panthers and Bucs hook up, the physicality reaches a fever pitch, and somebody ends up going down.

"Hey, that reminds me,” says Carolina head coach John Fox. "This week marked the first anniversary of the incident in which two Panther cheerleaders got jiggy in a Tampa bar bathroom stall. Ah, good times. I can't get that image out of my mind. And why would I want to? As hard as it is to get that off our minds, we know that we're in a must-win situation. We can't afford any more losses at home."

The Panthers last home game saw a fourth quarter meltdown in which they gave up 25 points and lost to the Cowboys, 35-14. Carolina's downfall was marked by dropped passes, muffed punts, missed assignments, and general bad play.

"What we are lacking is team unity,” says Julius Peppers, the Carolina defensive leader, "much like the kind of unity shown by our cheerleaders, just without the physical contact. Sometimes, a simple handshake is enough.”

The Panthers use the Monday night stage to show that they are still a team capable of playoff success, at least until their next disappointing performance, probably in Week 11. Peppers sacks Gradkowski on the Bucs first possession, and Jake Delhomme hits Steve Smith for a score on the Panthers' third play from scrimmage. Carolina doesn't look back.

Panthers win, 30-10.