Smearing the BCS Opposition

We've finally reached the climax of the election season and with that comes an end to the countless number of political attack ads that accompany the democratic process. It's unfortunate, because the smear campaigns are probably the most entertaining aspect of any voting process.

The overly simplistic ads usually come in one of two forms:

1. Two apolitical people happen to be conversing about the election and within 30 seconds, determine that voting for candidate X clearly means you hate America.

2. The candidate or a supporter reading the laundry list of inadequacies of candidate X, which usually include how they conduct their affairs (business and marital), how many anti-American bills they support, and their role in causing Hurricane Katrina.

The smack that goes back and forth between candidates makes them seem more like Jim Rome clones than politicians. It's only a matter of time before someone ends an ad with a "war staying the course, outttt!" In the past few weeks I've been able to determine that voting for the Republicans means you support the war in Iraq and condone sexual indiscretions between congressmen and minors and that a vote for a Democrat might as well be a vote for al-Qaeda.

While these mildly entertaining ads insult the intelligence of anyone who can read and chew gum at the same time, they wouldn't exist if they didn't work. I just hope the Louisville Cardinals football program has been taking notes.

Louisville is currently third in the BCS rankings and with number one slotted to play number two in less than two weeks it would seem as if the Cardinals are in a perfect position to play for the national championship. The only problem is that everyone hates them. It seems as if every college football writer, expert, pundit, and blogger had a meeting to go over the talking points about why Louisville can't play in the national championship.

1. The Big East is weak.
2. They haven't played anyone.
3. It will make for a horrible title game, which won't make any money.

They may be valid arguments, but the fact of the matter is that Louisville cannot afford nationwide acceptance of their inferior championship resume. That hate will manifest itself in the season-ending coaches' polls and any slip there would be straw that breaks their BCS standing's back. The problem is that the Cardinals can't refute those arguments, their best non-conference game was against Kentucky and their strength of schedule is the 2nd-lowest in the top 20, behind only Boise St. What option does Louisville have? Go on the attack.

A series of attack ads bashing the resumes of other teams could be just enough to sway the fickle coaches' poll voters to give them enough points to make the BCS title game. It's a precarious situation as it stands now as Texas, Auburn, and Florida are all within 150 votes. It's even worse in the coaches poll as Texas has already surpassed Louisville. I'm starting to think now that the OSU/Michigan loser, Texas, and the SEC championship winner could all end up passing Louisville. The only way to prevent it is to remind people of just how bad some of these other teams are.

This will involve taking a lot of things out of context and will probably include some flat-out lying. However, honesty or an accurate reflection of reality isn't the goal here; the important thing is to trick the voters at all costs. Here are a few ideas, just to get Louisville started.

Ohio State — "In the past few months, they have beaten a terrible Illinois team by one touchdown and have had one of their most famous players get arrested while carrying automatic weapons, a hatchet, and a bottle of vodka in preparation for a showdown with the Israeli mob. Would you really want to vote for a team when the most interesting thing about them will soon be behind bars?"

Michigan — "They needed a goal line stand in the remaining minutes to defeat a woeful Ball State team. The depressing thing is that Ball isn't even a real state. Clearly, if you struggle beating schools based on faux states, your team just is not that good. Plus, Michigan will finish this season having beaten one top-25 team: Notre Dame. Louisville will have beaten three, West Virginia, Rutgers, and pre-brawl Miami."

Texas — "Sure, they have a great team and an explosive backfield with Vince Young and Cedric Benson. Wait, they are both gone? And they replaced Vince Young with an inexperienced quarterback? Not only that, but they lost to a boring Ohio State team? Would you really vote for a game that's already been played? Have I asked you enough questions? Maybe the problem is that you aren't asking yourself enough questions, questions like "do you have enough candy?" If the answer is no, vote for us and we'll make sure it's always yes."

Auburn — "We here at Louisville understand that there all is not well in college football. The BCS is a problem. We all know this and voting for Auburn only helps perpetuate this horrible system. We wanted to change the BCS and blow it up by devising a joke of a schedule that will allow us to back into the title game, forcing college football to change its ways forever. A vote for Auburn is a vote for the BCS. A vote for Louisville ... is a vote for the future."

Remember, voters, vote for the future. War political attack ads and using smear campaigns to get in the national title game. OUT!