NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 9

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Atlanta @ Detroit

Michael Vick threw for 291 yards and three touchdowns to lead the Falcons to a 29-27 win over the Bengals. Atlanta improved to 5-2, and Vick has thrown for seven touchdowns in his last two games. Is this proof that Vick has become a prototypical NFL passer, and is not just a glorified running back with a cannon for an arm?

"Oh yeah, proof positive player," says Vick. "I can't wait to put on a silly wig and do a Sunday Ticket commercial for DirecTV. I'm just waiting for them to call. Hey, give me a three-minute play clock, and I can examine a defense and change the play at the line, just like Peyton Manning."

The good news for the Lions is that they didn't lose last week. The bad news is they had a bye week. The news was also good for wide receiver Roy Williams.

"I guaranteed a bye week," boasts Williams, "and doggone it, I was right. This week, I'm guaranteeing that we'll have home-field advantage."

Right again, Roy. And how did that home-field advantage work out for the Tigers?

What's next for Vick? Five touchdown passes in a game, or none? You never can tell. With Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers suspended, the middle should be opened up for the running game. The Falcons rush for over 200 yards, and Vick throws for two scores.

Falcons win, 27-14.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore

First place in the AFC North is on the line as the 5-2 Ravens host the 4-3 Bengals. The Bengals lost 29-27 at home to the Falcons, while Baltimore handed the Saints there first loss in the Superdome, 35-22. Steve McNair threw two touchdown passes and ran for another, and the Ravens returned two Drew Brees interceptions for touchdowns.

"Now, who dares question my decision to fire Jim Fassel and take over offensive play-calling duties?" asks Ravens head coach Brian Billick, wearing a baseball cap with "The O.C." imprinted on the front. "Whom else in this league can call offensive plays that result in touchdowns for our defense? I amaze myself sometimes."

Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson fell just short in his guarantee of two touchdowns against DeAngelo Hall and Atlanta. Johnson had six catches for 78 yards and one score.

"Hey, if the NFL wants to fine me $5,000 for the 'Ocho-Cinco' on my jersey, that's okay," says Johnson, who, on the year, has two touchdowns. "That's nothing but refried beans and rice to me. I can pay in dollars, or the Mexican equivalent of two billion pesos. And, you don't have to tell me. I've been informed by a number of people that 'ocho-cinco' was not the correct way to say '85' in Spanish. It's 'ochenta y cinco.' I also found out that 'Chad Johnson' in Spanish is 'Chad Johnson.' Gracias."

With Chris Henry back, the Bengals have three great deep threats, and the Ravens can't cover all of them at once. Henry arrives on the field with "22" on the back of his jersey, signifying his last Breathalyzer measurement. He then proceeds to catch seven passes for 115 yards and a long score.

Cincinnati forces a tie in the North with a 23-21 win.

Dallas @ Washington

Obviously, Bill Parcells is not Bill Cowher, and has no qualms about benching a quarterback. In his first start for the Cowboys, Tony Romo passed for a score and 270 yards, including nine completions to Terrell Owens for 107 yards.

"T.O. and I seem to be on the same page on the field," says Romo, "and, according to eHarmony.com, we'd be pretty darn compatible off the field, as well. Hey you, bellhop, I mean Drew Bledsoe, grab my bags, and get me a cup of latte, stat."

"There are some disturbing Romo-sexual undertones to what Tony is saying," says Owens, sweating out some crunches on his deluxe Ab Lounger. "That makes me somewhat uncomfortable, but not nearly as uncomfortable as seeing Bill Parcells becoming romantically involved with a number of my teammates on the sidelines last week in Charlotte. But as long as Tony's throwing me the ball, it's all good."

The Redskins will be playing for their lives in the NFC East. A loss and they could be four games out of first in the division, with an 0-3 division record.

"We understand the extreme urgency and seriousness of this situation," says Clinton Portis, dressed in a moo-moo, platform boots, cummerbund, and a pair of giant Elton John sunglasses. "I call this character 'O.T. from Big D.' And no, it has nothing to do with Terrell Owens."

Can Romo survive the pressure of his second start, at Fed Ex Field, in the nation's capitol, in front of Redskins' owner Daniel Snyder and his celebrity guest? No problem. Romo throws for two scores, and the Cowboys outlast the Redskins, 34-28.

Green Bay @ Buffalo

The Packers won for the first time at home, dominating the hapless Cardinals 31-14 behind two rushing scores from Ahman Green and two touchdowns from Brett Favre. Favre's one-yard pass to David Martin was the 406th touchdown pass of his career, leaving him 14 behind Dan Marino's NFL record of 420. In the third quarter, Favre added a rare rushing score, the 13th of his career, and he now trails record-holder Emmitt Smith by 153 in that category.

"I know Emmitt is shaking is his dancing shoes," says Favre. "You know it's a crazy world when Peyton Manning has two rush TDs and I have one. Next thing you know, Ben Roethlisberger will have a game without a turnover. Anyway, after my rush score, I performed a Lambeau Leap and barely made it up. That was embarrassing, so I've asked management to lower the end zone seats to ground level should I find myself in that situation again."

The Packers will face the 2-5 Bills, losers of three-straight.

"It's hard to get these cats motivated," says Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron. "When you're in the same division with the Patriots, everything is for second place, or, in our case, third or fourth place. Thank goodness for realignment; otherwise, we'd be playing for fifth."

Hometown heroes the Goo Goo Dolls pump up the Bills with a hot singing of the national anthem. But the Packers find more motivation in it for themselves, realizing that if anything sang by the Goo Goo Dolls pumps the Bills up, then the Bills are in trouble. Favre throws two touchdown passes, and the Packers win, 20-17.

Houston @ N.Y. Giants

The Giants subdued the Buccaneers in windy Giants Stadium 17-3 with a dominant defensive effort, holding the Tampa offense to 174 total yards. The G-Men controlled the clock, holding the ball for over 10 minutes more than the Bucs, behind the 26 rushes of Tiki Barber. Despite only tallying 68 yards on the ground, Barber remains the NFL's leading rusher.

"Yeah, all this talk of my retirement has really been a distraction," says Barber. "Michael Irvin, from the 'U' and Tom Jackson, from the 'Lou,' need to shut their yapholes about me. Since I mentioned retirement, we've beaten the Falcons and Cowboys, handily, I might add. If my teammates are distracted, it's only because they can't agree on a retirement gift."

Houston's David Carr was benched after three turnovers in the Texans' 28-22 loss to the Titans. He was replaced by the gorgeously-named Sage Rosenfels, who passed for two touchdowns. Houston coach Gary Kubiak said Carr will start Sunday, but he won't hesitate to bench him should his play falter again.

"You can't turn the ball over and play quarterback in this league," says Kubiak, "unless you're Ben Roethlisberger. And David is not Roethlisberger; he's not that bad."

"Talk about being unwanted," says Carr. "I don't even think I could get adopted by Madonna right now."

Carr gets the start and is sacked four times by the Giants. Tiki Barber rushes for 130 yards and his first touchdown of the year.

New York wins, 31-20.

Kansas City @ St. Louis

The Chiefs improved to 4-3 in the AFC West, and 3-0 against NFC teams, by beating the Seahawks 35-28 at Arrowhead Stadium behind Larry Johnson's huge 39-carry, 155-yard, four touchdown day, capped by the game-winning TD with just over two minutes to play.

"We're going to ride Larry Johnson like a state fair pony," says Kansas City head coach Herman Edwards, all smiles. "Giddy up! He's a horse and a thoroughbred, and is really the only reason I left the Jets and came to Kansas City. This Chiefs offense is finally clicking, and it should continue to click against the Rams, or any team in the NFC West. Here's a fact: NFC West teams gave up a combined 145 points last week, and they have a collective 13-game losing streak."

Here's another fact: of all the teams in the NFL with winning records, only two have allowed more points than they have scored. Can you guess which division those two teams are in?

"I'll say the NFC West," says Rams quarterback Marc Bulger, "where defense is about as negligible as Dennis Green's coaching ability. We know that to be safe against the Chiefs, we'll have to score 50. If we don't, we'll have to rely on our defense, who we regularly outscore in practice everyday."

The Rams can't stop Johnson, who rushes for 145 yards and a touchdown, but the Chiefs can't stop Bulger, Torry Holt, Steven Jackson, or Jeff Wilkins, who kicks a 49-yard field goal to give the Rams a 37-35 win.

Miami @ Chicago

The Bears left nothing to chance against the 49ers, racing to a 41-0 lead at half-time, and coasting to a 41-10 win. Such was their complete dominance, the Bears spent halftime selecting a producer for their soon-to-be-released Super Bowl anthem "The Super Bowl Shuffle And Flow." Kanye West was the near unanimous pick, although Rex Grossman had his sights set on Rick Rubin or Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. Now 7-0, the Bears just have one hurdle to clear, the Dolphins, to enter next week's showdown at the Giants with an unblemished record.

"That's some hurdle," says wide receiver Muhsin Muhammed. "We may not even have to jump. But we know the Dolphins will be fired up. I'm sure the 1972 Dolphins will give the team a pep talk, but this isn't 1986, we're not in Miami , Nick Saban isn't Don Shula, and Joey Harrington isn't Dan Marino."

"But I can tickle the ivories like no other quarterback in history," says Harrington, pounding out 'Chopsticks' on his baby grand. "We've got history on our side, and, and, and, well, pretty much nothing else."

On Wednesday at the Bears practice facility in Lake Forest, Illinois, Grossman moons a helicopter carrying 1972 Dolphins Bob Griese and Larry Csonka, there to drop water balloons and toss oranges at the Bears. Then, on Sunday, Grossman wears a white head band with "1972" printed on it. This outrages the Dolphins, but not the current Dolphins, who are no match for the Bears. Chicago picks off Joey Harrington three times, and Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson combine for 140 yards and two touchdowns.

Chicago wins, 30-10.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

After last week's miraculous 62-yard field goal to beat the Eagles, Tampa kicker Matt Bryant learned a hard lesson on Sunday against the Giants.

"Yeah," says Bryant, "booting a 43-yarder to cut a 14-0 deficit to 14-3 in the second quarter on the road just doesn't pack the same drama as a 62-yarder for the win on the game's last play at home."

That's right, Matt. And there's not much drama in a 17-3 game anyway. Hey, do you realize you'll be the answer to a trivia question, one day, maybe next year?

The Saints were dropped 35-22 by the Ravens in the Superdome, their first loss their this year. Baltimore totally shut down the Saints' rushing game, holding them to 35 yards. Forced to throw, Drew Brees was picked off three times, two of which were returned for touchdowns by the Ravens.

"Yeah, but one was returned for a touchdown by my receiver Joe Horn," says Brees. "Obviously, he wasn't my intended target."

After suffering their first loss of the season, the Saints rebounded in week five to beat the Bucs. The Ravens handed them loss number two, and the Saints will rebound again versus the Bucs, albeit in a tight contest.

New Orleans wins, 24-21.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

Tennessee quarterback Vince Young goosed his hometown team, the same team that passed over him in the draft, by leading the Titans to a 28-22 win over the Texans. Young passed for 87 yards and rushed for 44, and the Titans got a boost from Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, who returned a punt 53 yards for a touchdown in the fourth quarter.

"Usually, getting a 'boost' from Pac-Man means Adam is jacking a car, or something involving a firearm," says Young. "Adam says we need more thugs, and, let's face it, what team doesn't need more thugs, except the Bengals. But as long as Adam keeps the thuggery on the field or in his CD player, then it's all right by me. Wait, this just in: Pac-Man's been suspended one game, for, get this, thuggery."

Jacksonville used the words of former Eagle quarterback Ron Jaworski as motivation towards their 13-6 upset of the Eagles in Philadelphia. Earlier in the week, Jaworski had called the Jags "mentally weak," a characterization that didn't sit well with Jack Del Rio.

"Mentally weak, huh?" says Del Rio. "Look, Jaworski, I just solved this Sudoku puzzle, expert level, in two minutes. I have it on record from my good friend Harold Carmichael that you couldn't even solve one side of the Rubik's Cube. So, if you want to call us 'mentally weak,' take a look in the mirror, and you'll see that you're physically ugly, as well."

Del Rio gives David Garard the start, which is a mentally smart move, and the Jags beat the Titans, 23-16.

Minnesota @ San Francisco

Combined, the Vikings and the 49ers have nine Super Bowl appearances. And combined, they have five Super Bowl wins and four losses. Further in-depth analysis reveals that, when you separate the wins from the losses, San Francisco has all five wins and Minnesota has all four losses.

"Fascinating!" says Vikings head coach Brad Childress, who looks less like an NFL coach and more like the tenor in a barber shop quartet. "Almost as fascinating as that coaching clinic given by Bill Belichick called 'Exposing An Overrated Defense and Pathetic Offense in One Easy Step: Belichick's Plan to Defeat the Vikings.' That was an awesome lesson, and it was free. And it was given before we even played the Patriots on Monday night, and I still couldn't do anything about it."

Couldn't do anything about it? The 49ers know exactly what you're talking about. Against the Bears, San Fran was lit up for 41 points in the first half, which tied a Chicago franchise record. The 49ers went on to lose 41-10, and fell to 2-5, and now sport the league's worst scoring defense, surrendering an average of over 33 points per game.

"Yeah, but what team has held the Bears scoreless in the second half?" asks Mike Nolan, betwixt chapters of a motivational speaking book he's reading. "No one but us."

Speaking of a scoreless half, we might see one in this game. Both teams will try to rebound from embarrassing defeats, but the Vikes pull it out on Ryan Longwell's late field goal.

Minnesota wins, 22-20.

Cleveland @ San Diego

The Chargers piled up 419 yards of total offense and easily outscored the visiting Rams 38-24 last Sunday to move into a tie for first in the AFC West with the Broncos, who lost to the Colts. LaDainian Tomlinson rushed for 183 yards and scored three times, and Phillip Rivers was a model of efficiency by going 15-of-23 for 206 yards and a touchdown. Linebacker Shawne Merriman, appealing his suspension for steroid use, sacked Marc Bulger three times, and now is tied for the NFL lead with 8.5.

"I'm going to take it like a man," says Merriman, jamming to the tunes of his fave band, the Cheetah Girls. "That is, I'm going to take my suspension like a man, and I'm going to take this supplement like a man, with no chaser. Darn those tainted supplements! I wish someone would catch the 'Supplement Tainting Bandit.' Those serial tainters are becoming a problem, right Barry Bonds."

"Please refer that to one of my lawyers," replies Bonds.

Merriman will miss the next four games, but will return in time for the Chargers' final five, which includes home games against the Broncos and Chiefs. It should also coincide with the Chargers annual late-season swoon, when the nostalgia for "Martyball" overwhelms coach Marty Schottenheimer and he resorts to conservative play-calling. But the Chargers should handle Cleveland without Merriman, as long as Rivers, Tomlinson, and Antonio Gates don't share supplements with Merriman. Tomlinson rushes for 85 yards and a touchdown, and Rivers passes for 220 yards and two touchdowns.

San Diego wins, 27-7.

Denver @ Pittsburgh

It's a rematch of last year's AFC championship game, which was won by the Steelers in Denver back when Ben Roethlisberger had his wits about him. This year, the Steelers, like the inside of Roethlisberger's head, are reeling. Roethlisberger continues to struggle, and Bill Cowher refuses to start Charlie Batch. Hey Bill, to be the Steeler quarterback, don't you need to be mistake-free and make the occasional big play?

"You mean, like Charlie Batch?" asks Cowher. "There's a fine line between being stubborn, and being a 'fathead.' I've crossed it."

"Did someone say 'Fathead?'" says Roethlisberger. "Sales of my life-size wall stickers are way down, although I hear they're making great dart boards among fans in Pittsburgh. And my jersey sales have come to a virtual standstill. I think Coach Cowher was the last to buy one. My head hurts."

If you're talking quarterbacks and turnovers, then Jake Plummer's name is soon to come up. In this case, it won't. However, his name will come up when the subject is not winning the big game. Plummer and the Broncos came up just short last Sunday, losing to the Colts 34-31.

"Hey, you can't blame me this time," says Plummer. "I made 36 impeccable handoffs, four perfect holds on extra points, and one flawless hold on a field goal. For once, you can blame our defense, or our coaching staff. If we score 31 points, there's no reason we shouldn't win, unless Reggie Wayne scores three touchdowns."

Sure, this is a must-win for the Steelers, but isn't every game when you're 2-5? Denver may be 5-2, but this is a must-win for them, as well. Every game for AFC West teams is a must-win. If you don't win the division, you run the risk of not even making the playoffs. Just ask the Chargers.

The Broncos pound the ball on the ground, content to wage a defensive battle with the Steelers. Plummer throws for a score, one to Rod "Please Don't Call Me 'Wiley Veteran'" Smith, and Denver rebounds for a 19-16 win.

Indianapolis @ New England

It's too bad NBC did not have the option of switching one of the 4:00 games with this one, because I, like most people, would much rather see Minnesota and San Francisco square off on prime time than see the Colts and Patriots. What does this game have to offer besides the two best quarterbacks in the game and the NFL's greatest current rivalry?

"Besides that, not much," say Tom Brady. "The Vikings at 49ers sound like a real barnburner. You mean I have to miss Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to play in this game? Ah, the sacrifices of the NFL quarterback. Seriously, though, despite the Colts 40-21 win here last year, we know Gillette Stadium still strikes fear in the Colts. They're nervous. They're unsettled. If Paul Revere were alive today, he would be on his horse shouting 'The skittish are coming! The skittish are coming!' The Colts know we weren't at full-strength last year."

"You can question my toughness," says Peyton Manning, enjoying a pre-game meal of watercress salad and carrot medallions, "but don't think I've ever played with fear in my heart. I'm not intimidated by Tom Brady's success against me, and I know it's going to be a three-ring circus out there. Shoot, I'd settle for a one-ring circus. Anyway, if this game comes down to a kick, we've got a red-blooded American on our side this time, former Patriot Adam Vinatieri, who will be public enemy No. 2 in this game. It's too bad the Patriots didn't grab Mike Vanderjagt this offseason, then I could safely guarantee our victory."

As the Colts exit the tunnel to the field, they are peppered by hot clam chowder from the New England faithful. Then, after a chilling convocation from novelist Stephen King, the fired-up Patriots take the field and frustrate the Colts once again. Manning and Brady combine for seven touchdown passes, and rookie kicker Stephen Gostkowski nails a pressure-filled 18-yard field goal to win it.

New England wins, 38-35.

Oakland @ Seattle

With the exception of the Bears, Colts, Patriots, Jets, Ravens, Bengals, Jaguars, Broncos, Chargers, Chiefs, Giants, Cowboys, Eagles, Vikings, Packers, Falcons, Saints, Panthers, Seahawks, Buckeyes, and Rams, the Raiders may arguably be the best team in the league. Two weeks ago, the Raiders ended the talk of an 0-16 year with a win over the Cardinals. Last week, they dispelled the notion of an 1-15 year by stunning the Steelers. That's two straight wins.

"Yeah, boyee, two straight for the Raiders!" says Randy Moss. "And speaking of '2 Strait,' he's the next big West Coast rapper to hit the scene. And speaking of West Coast rapper, how about the plight of Snoop Dogg? Snoop got arrested in Burbank for possession of a firearm and a controlled substance."

Big deal, Moss. What legitimate rapper hasn't? So, he got busted for a firearm and drugs? Was he with Chris Henry and Shawne Merriman, or was he in a wheelchair on the set of Training Day?

Seattle has lost two straight after opening the season 4-1. The have been hindered by injuries to Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander, which seems to have placed the pressure on their defense. And the defense has responded ... by giving up 59 points in the last two games.

"Like the rims on Al Davis' private jet," says Seattle's Mike Holmgren, "Shaun and Matt are totally unnecessary. Totally unnecessary to beat the Raiders, that is. The Raiders can't score on offense, and Seneca Wallace won't throw interceptions for touchdowns. Now, he might throw interceptions, but he's fast enough to catch the interceptor and make the tackle. At 4-3, I see no need to panic. No one else in this division is going anywhere. 9-7 could win this division. Heck, the Raiders could pull out second in this division."

Wallace rushes for a score, and passes for 190 yards, and the Seahawks defense keeps the Raider offense on the field, which is wise strategy.

Seattle wins, 24-3.