Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ Green Bay
Talk about a letdown. One week after nearly handing the undefeated Bears a loss, the Cardinals had their tails handed to them on a black and silver platter as the previously winless Raiders beat them 22-9. Randy Moss finally had a Randy Moss-like game, with seven catches for 129 yards and a touchdown, while Arizona's Matt Leinart had a Kurt Warner-like day, completing only 13-of-32 passes for 203 yards and two interceptions.
"Unlike Kurt," says Leinart, applying eye black just because it looks so cool, "I don't have Jesus on my side. Unless you count Jesus, my pool boy, wing man, and general confidant. Jesus is always there for me with gentle assurance, kind words, and an occasional blitz pickup."
Brett Favre threw two touchdowns against the Dolphins to lead the Packers to a 34-24 win over the Dolphins, and Favre is now 15 behind Dan Marino's NFL record of 420 touchdown passes. Favre has put last year's nightmarish season behind him and seems to have regained the youthful exuberance that defined him years ago.
"It's fun to play football again," says Favre. "Whether I'm tossing a score to Donald Driver, criticizing the league's substance abuse policy, or having a beer with Koren Robinson after the game, I love it."
Arizona's lucky number this year is one, which is their number of wins and also Edgerrin James' average yards per rush. Favre gives Leinart a lesson on picking apart a secondary, then takes the young quarterback out for ice cream later.
Packers win, 27-20.
Atlanta @ Cincinnati
In a shootout in the Georgia Dome, the Falcons outlasted the Steelers 41-38 in overtime when 46-year-old kicker Morten Andersen hit a 32-yard field goal to win it. The Falcons improved to 4-2 in the NFC South, one game behind the Saints.
"I've been in my share of shootouts," boasts the elderly Andersen. "O.K. Corral? I was there. Bonnie and Clyde? Saw it all. 2004 The Source Music Awards? I was there. Hooked up with 'Lil Kim there, also."
The Bengals survived a visit from the Panthers, winning 17-14 when Kevin Kaesviharn intercepted a Jake Delhomme pass to Keyshawn Johnson in the end zone. With the win, the Bengals moved into a tie with the Ravens for first in the AFC North. The game will mark the return of wide receiver Chris Henry from a two-game, league-mandated drug suspension.
"I'd celebrate," says Henry, "but the only way I know how is to get wasted and fire guns in the air. Apparently, the league frowns on that type of behavior. But I've turned a new page. My next offense will be the first entry on the fourth page of my growing rap sheet."
Coach Marvin Lewis has yet to determine whether Henry will play. More than likely, if Henry can go without a felony until game time, he will play.
Carson Palmer throws two touchdown passes, one to Chad Johnson, who celebrates with a end zone zombie walk, and Rudi Johnson rushes for a score.
Bengals win, 27-21.
Baltimore @ New Orleans
Given a bye week to diagnose the situation, Baltimore coach Brian Billick thinks he's identified the problem that has resulted in two-straight losses after a 4-0 start.
"After much deliberation," says Billick, "and the use of a large number unnecessary five-syllable words, accessorized with these reading spectacles on the end of my nose, I've decided that offensive coordinator Jim Fassel has to go. Sorry, Jim, no offense. Ha. Wasn't that a clever pun? Anyway, we'll see what I can do given full control of this offense."
Like the Ravens, the Saints enjoyed a week seven bye, and no one was fired. New Orleans is undefeated at home and coach Sean Payton has the team and the city believing the Saints are for real.
"You're darn tootin' we're for real," says Payton, "and more importantly, we're not intimidated by anyone, not a team of Falcons, a murder of crows, a jive of turkeys, a congress of Ravens, or a Flock of Seagulls. As a matter of fact, I'm more intimidated by the atmospheric synth-pop sound of the Seagulls than I am by a Ravens' offense with Brian Billick at the helm. I guess I better have my field goal defense unit ready."
Drew Brees hits (Cu) Joe Horn for a score and Deuce McAllister (Crowley) rushes for one. Reggie Bush combines for 120 total yards, and his long punt return in the fourth quarter sets up John Carney's game-winning field goal.
New Orleans wins, 23-20.
Houston @ Tennessee
In the Halloween spirit, Titans coach Jeff Fisher shows up at LP Field dressed as former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips, a picture of elegance in a 10-gallon hat, horn-rimmed spectacles, and rattlesnake-skin cowboy boots.
"We're gonna feed the ball to Earl Campbell about 42 times,"says Fisher, spitting a wad of tobacco on the turf, "and let's hope Dan Pastorini's flak jacket protects his ribs. A couple of extra points from Tony Frisch, and we're good to go. How about you, Gary Kubiak?"
"Well, Jeff," says Kubiak, "I'll be costumed as former Texans head coach Dom Capers simply by donning this Houston ball cap and perpetually wearing a confused and bewildered look on my face. But let's give Dom some credit. He did take the Panthers to the NFC championship with Kerry Collins at quarterback, and he did more for this Texans franchise than anyone. He made sure we got the No. 1 pick in the 2006 draft. Then, at our most pressing time of need, he left us on our own to make the decision of whom to draft. I think even Dom Capers would have chosen to draft Reggie Bush."
Well, there's no Reggie Bush in Houston. Instead, there's defensive end Mario Williams, who, with the score tied 19-19 in the fourth quarter, has a bead on Tennessee quarterback Vince Young (MC).
"Don't just stand there, bust a move," yells Titans running back Travis Henry to Young, as Henry temporarily impedes the onrushing Williams.
"If you want it, baby, you've got it," replies Young, who then scampers 19 yards for a touchdown. Rob (Zombie) Bironas adds the extra point.
Titans win, 26-19.
Jacksonville @ Philadelphia
Will the real Jacksonville Jaguars please stand up, or if that's asking too much, can you just raise your hands? The Jaguars didn't make their presence known and were corralled by the Texans in Houston, 27-7. The loss left the Jags at 3-3 in the AFC South, and they have yet to win a road game this year.
"Until we learn to win on the road," says Jack Del Rio, "we're going to be easy pickings in the playoffs. Because, since we can't win on the road, we'll never finish high enough to get a playoff bye, leaving us on the road in the first round of the playoffs, where we will lose, because we're on the road."
That's assuming you make the playoffs, Jack. Right now, I give your team a C+, and I also give your grammar a C+. You're quote was redundant.
The Eagles lost their second-straight, falling 23-21 to Tampa Bay on Matt Bryant's 62-yard field goal as time expired. Donovan McNabb threw three interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns by Ronde Barber.
"I take full responsibility for that loss," says McNabb. "I blew it. I also blew chunks. For sanitary reasons, instead of a towel tucked into my center Jamaal Jackson's pants, Jamaal will now carry a barf bag in case I get the yaks. I'm running the gauntlet of puking on Florida fields. If you'll recall, I hurled at Super Bowl 39 in Jacksonville. Last Sunday, I emptied my belly in Tampa. And, should we make it to the Super Bowl in Miami and I spew there, I'll have completed the tri-puke-a."
Fantastic, Donovan. But what does former Notre Dame forward and noted NBA gunner Kelly Tripucka have to do with any of this?
While both teams need a win badly, I'll take the Eagles and the McNabb yak attack to pull it out. McNabb throws two TDs, one to rookie Hank (Hound Of The) Baskett (Villes) and one to (It's The Great Pumpkin) Reggie Brown.
Philadelphia wins, 27-20.
Seattle @ Kansas City
The Chiefs are back in the AFC West hunt after a huge 30-27 division win over the Chargers. Larry Johnson exploded for 132 yards on 28 carries and two touchdowns and won his personal duel with LaDainian Tomlinson. Lawrence Tynes' 53-yard field goal with six seconds left was the game-winner, and the Chiefs pulled to within two games of the Chargers and one of the division-leading Broncos.
"I think I speak for Dick Vermeil," says Chiefs coach Herman Edwards, "when I say that the win brought me to tears. Much like a bad dream I had: I was returning an interception in the nude, and Larry Johnson caught me and pulled me to the ground. Keep in mind, I have very short hair."
Seattle's 12-game winning streak came to a screeching halt as they lost 31-13 to the visiting Vikings. Seahawk quarterback Matt Hasselbeck went down in the third quarter when Minnesota linebacker E.J. Henderson was blocked into his left knee. An MRI revealed that Hasselbeck suffered a knee sprain and will miss three to four weeks.
"Whew!" exclaims Seattle's Mike Holmgren. "I thought Matt had been Carson Palmer-ed. I guess his knee won't have to be rebuilt with parts of a cadaver. But, thanks to Palmer's injury, we now have a few corpses on the payroll, ready and willing to die for this team."
With Hasselbeck out, Seneca Wallace will get the start. With a name like 'Seneca,' one would think he would feel right at home in Arrowhead Stadium. But he didn't look too comfortable in the Metrodome last week. And, without Shaun Alexander, who's still on the mend, the burden will be on Wallace. Not good for the Seahawks. Good for the Chiefs, though.
Larry Johnson rushes 31 times for 140 yards and a touchdown as the Chiefs take an early lead and hold on.
Kansas City wins, 27-17.
San Francisco @ Chicago
Coming off a bye week, the Bears are eager to re-establish their dominance after their near debacle in the Arizona desert two Monday's ago, when their defense bailed them out of a deep hole to beat the upstart Cardinals 24-23. This week, it's another NFC West opponent, the 49ers, who have their sights set on a monumental upset.
"And we're quite encouraged to do so thanks to this anonymous care package we just received," says 49er coach Mike Nolan. "It seems to have a return address of Miami, and it asks us to return the headset of Lovie Smith along with a win over the Bears. And look, the postage is prepaid."
Are the Bears the dominant team we saw in the first six weeks of the year, or are they the team that barely beat the Cardinals?
"Hey, give the Cardinals some credit," says Smith. "They have an incredible home-field advantage. With the retractable roof and retractable field going in opposite directions, I think Rex Grossman was confused. Luckily, our defense finally realized they could score by just catching a ride on that moving sidewalk."
Let's hope the Bears win this week, and the next, against Miami. Then, they'll head to the Meadowlands to face the Giants in Week 10. That's a game we want to see. This one, not so much. The Bears force two Frank (Blood and) Gore fumbles, and Grossman throws for two scores.
Chicago wins, 20-6.
Tampa Bay @ N.Y. Giants
On a special edition of the game show Family Feud, Tiki and Ronde Barber meet at the podium, where host Richard Dawson poses the following: "Top two answers on the board. Out of a hundred people surveyed, name a Barber who has scored a touchdown this year."
Ronde quickly buzzes in and says, "Me!"
"Survey says!" yells Dawson, turning to the board.
Ding!
"'Ronde' is right. Number one answer."
After a quick kiss on the lips from Dawson, Ronde announces that "We'll play, Richard."
And they will. Ronde and the Bucs will face Tiki and the Giants. Tampa beat the Eagles 23-21 on Matt Bryant's improbable 62-yard field goal on the game's final play, giving the Bucs their second-straight win and new life in the NFC South. Ronde Barber returned two Donovan McNabb interceptions for touchdowns. That's two touchdowns more than twin brother Tiki, who, despite leading the NFL in rushing, has yet to find the end zone.
"And people wonder why I'm retiring," says Barber, matter-of-factly. "I do all the dirty work, and Brandon Jacobs gets all the glory. It's like I'm the singer in the studio, and he's Milli Vanilli. Anyway, I'm looking forward to retirement, securing a job as a football analyst, and making toothpaste commercials."
Tiki and the Giants get the best of Ronde and the Bucs. Tiki finally scores, and the Giants sack Bruce Gradkowski four times.
New York wins, 29-17.
St. Louis @ San Diego
The San Diego defense didn't play like the league's No. 1 rated unit in a 30-27 loss to the Chiefs at Arrowhead last Sunday. The Chargers surrendered 355 total yards, well over their average of 241, and Larry Johnson gained 132 yards on the ground. And the latest news is no better for San Diego: All-Pro linebacker Shawne Merriman has been suspended four games for violating the league's steroid policy.
"That's music to my ears," says Rams receiver Torry Holt. "I make my living catching passes over the middle. With Merriman not in the lineup, there's only one big hitter to look out for: the Burger King. Although the King is a big hitter, he's not the best cover man among fast food mascots. That would be Colonel 'Prime Time' Sanders."
Sorry to break the bad news to you, Big Game, but Merriman is appealing his suspension, and will be able to play on Sunday.
"Well, I guess if I get drilled across the middle," says Holt, "then the King can present me with a breakfast croissanwich and Merriman can bring the 'juice.'"
Good one, Torry, you nerd.
There are many reasons why San Diego will win this game. The biggest being LaDainian Tomlinson. Tomlinson rushes for two touchdowns, and Phillip Rivers (Styx) hits Antonio Gates (of Hell) for another score. The Rams keep it close behind Marc (of the Devil) Bulger and Holt.
Chargers win, 34-28.
Indianapolis @ Denver
Peyton Manning took a beating, including one frightening play that left him helmet-less and bent backwards, but didn't miss a play and threw three touchdown passes in the third quarter to lead the undefeated Colts to a 36-22 win over the Redskins.
"I got folded up like the Pocket Fisherman," says Manning, "possibly the greatest Ronco invention ever. I don't know how many times I've been near a body of water and wished I had a tri-fold rod and reel in my pocket. But that's beside the point. No one can ever say I've never bent over backwards for this team."
While Manning is busy straightening his spine and pitching yet another product or service, his counterpart in Denver, Jake Plummer, spends his free time checking the Bronco quarterback depth chart and making public service announcements about the perils of road rage.
"I've heard it all," says Plummer. "I hear the whispers, I read the letters to newspapers, I listen to phone calls to radio stations, and I see the signs at the games, all calling for me to take a seat. And that's just from my teammates. If I have to relinquish my starting position, I'll go out kicking and screaming."
"Somebody get the shackles and a gag," says Mike Shanahan.
This is the biggest game in Denver since, well, Plummer lost last year's AFC championship game to the Steelers. Do you get the feeling Indy picked up Anthony McFarland for this very game? The Broncos have to run to control the clock. Give Manning and the Colts too many possessions, and they'll eventually score. But even Plummer should be able to light up the Indy defense a few times. Heck, it might even snow in Denver. Tatum (Hell's) Bells rushes for a score, Bronco left tackle Michael Myers stalks Manning like he's Jamie Lee Curtis, and the Broncos hand the Colts their first loss.
Denver wins, 23-20.
N.Y. Jets @ Cleveland
New England's Bill Belichick will be watching this intently. No, not for fashion tips, but to see how his coaching protégés Eric Mangini and Romeo Crenel have fared in applying Belichick principles to their respective teams.
"Actually, I don't care," says Belichick. "Once the birdies leave the nest, I could care less what they do. Besides, we don't play until Monday, so my Sunday is free. I've heard a lot of buzz about a new movie that just came out, so I'm going to the theater for a ticket to See Saw 3. If See Saw 3 is good, then I guess I'll rent See Saw 1 and See Saw 2."
Uh, Coach, it's Saw 3.
While Belichick's at the theater, the Jets will be looking for win number five. A win over the Browns, and they will surpass last year's win total of four. Last week, the Jets rode the legs of rookie running back Leon Washington for 129 yards and two touchdowns. He is second in the NFL in rushing among rookies.
"Playing in New York is a lot like playing at Florida State," says Washington, "except the pay is a little better here."
Washington rushes for a score, and Chad Pennington throws a touchdown pass to Laveranues Coles.
Jets win, 21-18.
Pittsburgh @ Oakland
Has Ben Roethlisberger spent more time in the hospital or on the injury report this year? Big Ben is questionable again for Sunday's game in Oakland after suffering a concussion against the Falcons last Sunday. Roethlisberger was briefly unconscious after getting sandwiched by two Atlanta defenders.
"Merely a flesh wound," says Bill Cowher. "Like the Black Knight in Monte Python and the Holy Grail, Ben can play through the pain and I still think he gives us the best chance at winning."
Correct me if I'm wrong, Bill, but doesn't Charlie Batch have five touchdowns and no interceptions in about a game and a half of play?
"Why, yes. Yes, he does," replies Cowher. "He also has an impeccable motorcycle driving record and sports a working appendix, as well."
Oakland ended its reign as the last winless team in the league with a 22-9 win over the shell-shocked Arizona Cardinals. Randy Moss caught seven passes for 129 yards and a 32-yard touchdown pass from Andrew Walter to lead the Raiders.
"Yeah, dawg, that's called 'Raiding and abetting,'" explains Moss. "And this new craft I just picked up is called 'origami.' Look, you just take some rolling paper, fold it like so, and voila."
In the fourth quarter, with the Steelers holding a 27-6 lead, Walter throws a pass that bounces off of Steeler safety Troy Polamalu and into the hands of Moss, who unknowingly races 42 yards in the wrong direction, and then is tackled by Polamalu for a safety. The play, dubbed the "Immaculate Defection," later serves as a catalyst for Moss' trade to the Steelers in the offseason.
Pittsburgh wins, 29-6.
Dallas @ Carolina
You know the saying. "As Steve Smith goes, so go the Panthers." Or maybe you're more familiar with this one: "As Jake Delhomme throwing interceptions in the end zone down 17-14 in the fourth quarter goes, so go the Panthers." The Panthers lost their first game with Smith when Delhomme threw a pick in the end zone against the Bengals.
"Yeah, that's smarts," says Carolina head coach John Fox. "Jake needs to understand that you don't get second chances in situations like that. Now, when you're filming a commercial hawking Bojangles chicken, you can blow your line any number of times and get as many re-takes as you need."
The Cowboys are no strangers to interceptions. Drew Bledsoe and Tony Romo combined for four last Monday against the Giants. And they were sacked six times. Now Bill Parcells has a decision to make.
"Oh, that decision's been made," says Parcells. "I'm done after this year. Between T.O., Bledsoe, and Romo, returning next year is a no go. Jerry Jones might as well coach this team. He's on the field more than I am."
Whomever starts at quarterback will be subject to the onslaught of the NFL's sack leader, Julius Peppers, who leads the league with eight. Jake Delhomme throws three touchdown passes, two to former Cowboy Keyshawn (of the Dead) Johnson.
Carolina wins, 26-17.
New England @ Minnesota
Lost among the accolades in the Patriots' convincing 28-6 thumping of the Bills was the Sports Illustrated article announcing safety Rodney Harrison as the "Dirtiest Player In the Game." Harrison collected 23% of the vote, easily outdistancing Pittsburgh's Joey Porter and Philadelphia's John Runyan, who both collected 6% of the vote. Harrison was surprised, yet deeply touched, by the honor.
"Frankly, I'm stunned," says the Pats' defensive leader. "Not at winning. But at the fact that professional wrestler Ric Flair did not garner a single vote. He's the dirtiest player in the game, and a jet-flyin', limousine-ridin', kiss-stealin', wheelin,' dealin' son of a gun to boot."
The Vikings shocked the home-standing Seahawks 31-14 to improve to 4-2. Chester Taylor rushed for 169 yards, including a 95-yard run for a touchdown, to help secure the win.
"Thank you," replies Taylor. "Let me take this time to make one point. Everyone associates today's Vikings with the 'sex boat' fiasco of last year. And everyone thinks the Patriots are the NFL's good guys. But don't forget, the Patriots were responsible for the league's original sexual scandal when Zeke Mowatt flashed his 'Patriot Missile' to a female locker room reporter. They started this filth. That's why we'd like to extend an invitation to Mowatt to attend our next open-lake excursion. Bring the heavy artillery, Zeke."
If the Vikings want to be taken seriously as a true contender, what better stage than Monday night at home against the Patriots and Tom Brady.
The Vikings ride that emotion, and four Ryan Longwell field goals, to a 19-16 upset of the Pats.
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