Don't miss part one of The Hockey Cynic's Guide to the NHL East!
The power is shifting in the Campbell Conference, away from the holy trinity of Detroit, Dallas, and Colorado and over to the new breed of elite teams like Anaheim, San Jose, and Nashville. You can tell this is happening because the old guard is doing what anyone does when their power starts to slip, which is to act completely batty. Bringing in Dominik Hasek, signing Eric Lindros, pinning your hopes on Jose Theodore, preparing to invade Iran ... it's pretty much all the same thing.
Being the cynical bastard that I am, I bring you a preview of the 2006-07 NHL season and the Campbell Conference, explaining why every single team has virtually no chance of winning the Stanley Cup and why they're all pathetic messes.
The first half of the preview be found here, and thanks for all the kind words and feedback about it. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so color me flattered, ESPN.com.
Here's the preview...
NORRIS DIVISION
CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS
(26-43-13; 4th in the Central Division; Glared disapprovingly whenever Nikolai Khabibulin would stare longingly at his championship ring.)
Talking about the Blackhawks is about as uncomfortable as watching Rep. Mark Foley working the room at a summer pool party for Congressional pages.
They're an Original Six team, damnit, and not one we all loathe like the Rangers or the Leafs; hell, they even made Chris Chelios seem cool for a few seasons.
They should not suck this badly for this long.
Unless you're from Detroit or St. Louis, you want to see the Blackhawks do well. Not because of some big-markets-make-the-NHL-work hooey, but because it's a shame the playoffs are deprived of the best-looking jerseys in hockey. The red ones, not the black ones.
But Chicago is once again a mess, and once again the blame is placed squarely on owner Bill Wirtz, who would be the worst owner in professional sports if Al Davis hadn't hired Art Shell this season. When you're discussing Bill Wirtz and the Blackhawks' futility, that discussion begins on WirtzSucks.com. It's a clearinghouse for Wirtz criticisms, horror stories, and updated news on how he's destroyed hockey in Chicago. Most of all, it provides a chance to sign up for the Bill Wirtz Countdown Contest, where fans can predict the day when he gives up control of the team. From the site:
"By no means should anyone ever wish death upon another human being (with maybe the exception of Osama Bin Ladin). However, it's inevitable that our time on this spinning space rock is limited and even long time Blackhawk owner Bill Wirtz cannot escape that reality (he was born October 5, 1929)."
Ouch!
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because the Bears have a more explosive offense, the Cubs have a better defense, and Bill Wirtz still owns the team.
Worst Case Scenario — Wirtz decides to give up control of the Blackhawks five years from now ... to the indestructible WirtzBot 3000 he programmed himself.
COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS
(35-43-4; 3rd in the Central Division; By default.)
This is an important season for the Blue Jackets, and it should be a joyous one. Because the first time an expansion franchise completely rids itself of its inaugural set of goaltenders is truly a special time indeed.
Teams aren't supposed to win with Ron Tugnutt or Guy Hebert or Peter Sidorkiewicz. So sending Marc Denis, as good as he was, to Tampa and turning the team over to the homegrown Pascal Leclaire is like an expansion team's Bar Mitzvah.
Mazel Tov, my Meshuggina Mishpocha.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because coach Gerard Gallant is giving well-thought-out quotes like this one, to the Columbus Post-Dispatch: "I think other years there were more question marks than there are this year. This year, we know what we've got with most of our players. Obviously, there are still a few questions marks, guys we think are going to be good players, but when you bring in a guy like [Fredrik] Modin, when you bring a guy like [Anson] Carter, you know what they are."
Yeah, and we know what they are, too: overpaid.
Worst Case Scenario — The Blue Jackets improve by a dozen points ... and still miss the playoffs by a dozen points. A frustrated Nikolai Zherdev books a one-way ticket to Moscow.
DETROIT RED WINGS
(58-16-8; 1st in the Central Division; Watched Yzerman make the decision Brett Favre should have made.)
There once was a goalie named Dom;
Who was older than Moses's mom;
Ken Holland seemed happy;
Till the Wings, they got crappy;
Turned to Ossie because Dom was a bomb.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because, evidently, they may need Pavel Datsyuk to score a goal in the playoffs at some point.
Worst Case Scenario — The Red Wings are the best team in the regular season, fail to do anything in the postseason, and continue to be hockey's answer to Bobby Cox's Atlanta Braves.
NASHVILLE PREDATORS
(49-25-8; 2nd in the Central Division; Somehow made the playoffs with Yanic Perreault as their third-leading scorer.)
Thanks, Southeast Division. Thanks, Alberta, Canada. Thanks, formerly Mighty Anaheim Ducks. Because of what you've done in the last three Stanley Cup Finals, now everyone thinks they need to discover an out-of-left-field pick for the Cup when handicapping the season.
For many, Nashville might be that team. It's really all there for them: solid scoring forwards, one of the best collections of defenders in the NHL, a healthy Tomas Vokoun, and a trio of free agent signings that add even more veteran savvy to the team. (Say, that Jason Arnott fellow seems to play pretty well in the postseason.)
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because they're like a country band without a fiddle player. They're missing that one defensive defenseman who could tie it all together: an Aaron Ward or a Jay McKee type. Someone who leads by example, who can come out and disrupt an opposing power play by himself. Honestly, the rest of the lineup is borderline dynamic — but that's a gaping hole.
Worst Case Scenario — Nashville makes the postseason again ... and Chris Mason is the only healthy goalie, again.
ST. LOUIS BLUES
(21-46-15; 5th in the Central Division; Sucked more than a tricked-out Dyson.)
I still can't believe the pass John Davidson was given when he decided to take over as president of the Blues.
Yes, he knows the game. Yes, he's a great guy — so well-liked, in fact, that the mainstream hockey media gave him a journalistic lap dance as he settled in at the head of the boardroom table.
But did they ever even bother to mention those two little words that could put his hiring into perspective?
You know: "Matt" and "Millen."
Like Davidson, Millen made his bones as a color commentator after his playing days were over. Like Davidson, he quickly rose through the national broadcasting ranks, and like Davidson he was lauded for his candor and his enthusiasm for the game.
And then, like Davidson, he abruptly left TV to take over the operations of a professional sports franchise: the Detroit Lions, which he promptly crashed with the confused ardor of a drunken kamikaze pilot.
So with that track record, how long before the "Fire J.D." protests start in the Savvis Center?
And would St. Louis fans have the same open-armed reaction if Tim McCarver was hired to run the Cardinals?
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because their roster reads like an all-star team — from NHL '97 for the Sega Genesis.
Worst Case Scenario — The Blues struggle mightily, and Keith Tkachuk turns to the sweet comfort of all-you-can-eat buffets.
SMYTHE DIVISION
CALGARY FLAMES
(46-25-11; 1st in the Northwest Division; Breathed a huge sigh of relief when the Oilers blew it in Game 7.)
Man, I was really worried about the Flames this season, what with an offense that was about as toothless as a 101-year-old woman who was just punched in the mouth.
And then they go and trade for Scott Gomez from the Devils! What an absolutely brilliant move! Talk about your setup men: Gomez turns the Iggy-Tanguay tandem into an unstoppable trio. I even have the coolest nickname in the history of nicknames for them: the GIT-r-done Line.
Start printing those t-shirts now, boys!
[Realizing something may be amiss, Wyshynski scans the Flames 2006-07 roster.]
[Wyshynski then scans the Devils 2006-07 roster.]
Okay, so evidently even though it was mentioned with certainty on every hockey message board and virtually assured by every NHL rumor whore — especially the ones who ask their readers to pay for the right to read their fiction — the trade never actually happened, and evidently could never happen because of the teams' respective salary cap situations.
Oops.
Hey Flames fans, don't worry — plenty of teams have won the Cup with No. 1 centers that were a hell of a lot less talented than Daymond Langkow.
Although I can't remember any of them at this time.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because, by my calculations, the NHL doesn't have to fix it so that an Alberta franchise makes the Finals until roughly 2020.
Worst Case Scenario — Miikka Kiprusoff wins another (yawn) Vezina and shares another (double yawn) Jennings.
COLORADO AVALANCHE
(43-30-9; 2nd in the Northwest; Traded for Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend.)
Here's what I know about Avalanches: eventually, they have to hit rock bottom.
Sorry folks, show's over. Ride's closed. Exit, stage right. The Avs are now also-rans in a conference where also-rans are used as toilet tissue by the contenders. It's a shame, because while teams like Detroit and New Jersey have been able to maintain consistent success without having even a season of awkward transition, Colorado appears to have been mismanaged into a patchwork of talented but inconsistent offensive players and a goaltender that inspires more prayers than confidence.
And they signed Ken Klee, which should be fun for those games against the fleet-skating Oilers. He's going to look like Frankenstein's monster chasing after a bunch of free-range chickens out there.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because at some point Joe Sakic is going to turn around, scan the bench, and blurt out "Who the hell are these people?" while on Mic'd Up.
Worst Case Scenario — Marek Svatos continues to blossom into a star, which will come in handy when the Avs are ready to contend in another four years.
EDMONTON OILERS
(41-28-13; 3rd in the Northwest Division; Overcame Ty Conklin to nearly win the Stanley Cup.)
With apologies to David Letterman ...
"The Top 10 Ways The Oilers Will Prevent This [Chris] Pronger Thing From Happening Again"
10. Sign only single, gay, or celibate players.
9. Offer daily relaxing foot-massages for players' wives.
8. Change city motto to "Edmonton: The St. Louis of the North."
7. Do what the Oilers used to always do: call in Dave Semenko for some painful "re-education."
6. Trade for players whose wives grew up in the Yukon and will consider Alberta's climate to be practically balmy.
5. Teach Kevin Lowe some Jedi mind-tricks in case another player requests a trade.
4. Instruct team trainer to check new players for pussy-whip marks.
3. Fly in Dr. Phil for couple's therapy.
2. See if the player's wife would be interested in MacTavish giving her the Reggie Dunlop treatment for one night.
And the number one way The Oilers Will Prevent This Pronger Thing From Happening Again...
1. Make him the general manager and sign his wife to a 15-year contract.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because if last year was lightning in a bottle, this season is drizzle in a can. The Oilers are going to score some goals, but in the end will ultimately regret signing Dwayne Roloson when Jussi Markkanen would have had about the same GAA behind this porous defense.
Worst Case Scenario — The Oilers make the playoffs by winning every game 23-21.
MINNESOTA WILD
(38-36-8; 5th in the Northwest; Still waiting for the lockout to end.)
Everyone's in a lather over Marian Gaborik and Pavol Demitra playing together, which means that everyone's completely forgetting that Jacques Lemaire is still coaching this team.
I don't want to say Lemaire is conservative, but he makes Dick Chaney look like the love child of Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon by comparison.
After this season, all I'll say about Lemaire is that he's unemployed.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — The Wild have a nice collection of two-way players, and moving on from Willie Mitchell in favor of Kim Johnsson and Keith Carney is one of the offseason's most unheralded moves. But I just don't believe that Jacques Lemaire's going to allow the offensive talent on this team to rightfully carry it when it needs to.
Worst Case Scenario — The Wild discover that Manny Fernandez has actually always been a career back-up goalie instead of a potential starter.
VANCOUVER CANUCKS
(42-32-8; 4th in the Central Division; Can no longer claim Dan Cloutier is keeping them from the Cup).
It's time for NHL Jeopardy!
A. Saddam Hussein, Carmen Electra, and Carrot Top.
Q. Who are three people with as many Stanley Cup playoff wins as Roberto Luongo?
To be fair, it's not like The Chosen One has had many opportunities to show his stuff in the playoffs, what with having played for that relocation bait near Miami for his entire career.
Unfortunately, based on Vancouver's roster this season, the wait continues.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because Mattias Ohlund and Willie Mitchell can't play 60 minutes a night.
Worst Case Scenario — The Canucks discover the awful truth: that the Sedins are nothing without that offensive juggernaut Anson Carter.
NO, SERIOUSLY, TEXAS IS ON THE PACIFIC DIVISION
ANAHEIM DUCKS
(43-27-12; 3rd in the Pacific; Decided they were no longer Mighty.)
Time for some hockey math!
=
+
Any questions?
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — The Ducks seem to be a glamour pick for some people, and for good reason. They have a great combination of youth and vets, and all of them can skate their asses off. There should be a provision in the CBA that prohibits teams from having Scott Niedermayer and Chris Pronger on the same roster when teams like Washington have Jamie Heward in their top three.
But they're not going to win the Cup, or make the Finals. That will give Scotty Nieds and Pronger plenty of time to discuss new and exciting ways to commit career suicide for the sake of family members.
Worst Case Scenario — Someone overhears Lauren Pronger complaining about the California heat and how much she misses taking tours of the Anheuser-Busch brewery.
DALLAS STARS
(53-23-6; 1st in the Pacific; Realized the subtle difference between Marty Turco and a playoff-caliber goaltender.)
One of the most intriguing training camp storylines was the change in captaincy for the Stars, as Brenden Morrow got the 'C' and Mike Modano got the shaft.
On the one hand, Dallas is demoting a player who's been the face of the franchise en route to becoming its all-time leading scorer.
On the other hand, Modano couldn't lead a fat Mexican to Taco Bell.
You've got two kinds of captains in this world: leaders, and those who lead. It's actually a lot like those MVP debates where half the people think the award should go to the best player on the best team and the other half (rightfully) think that it should be awarded to the player the team can't win without.
It's a really easy litmus test: would you rather have Alexei Yashin or Michael Peca as your captain? Dale Hunter or Peter Bondra? Wendel Clark or Mats Sundin?
Giving Brenden Morrow the captaincy was a brilliant kick in the pants for a team that needs one.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because you have to win it in the postseason, and Turco's still their goalie.
Worst Case Scenario — The Stars discover that $1.55 million for one year was about $1.54 million too much for Eric Lindros at this stage of his career.
LOS ANGELES KINGS
(42-35-5; 4th in the Pacific Division; Had more executive turnover than XM Satellite Radio.)
No matter how completely inept the Kings might be this season, they'll never be as inept as Scott Burnside's since-corrected team preview for ESPN.com.
Look, we all make mistakes. Just like Burnside spelled Kings captain Mattias Norstrom's name incorrectly, I'm sure I've butchered a few in this column, starting with my own elephantine Ukrainian albatross of a last name.
But Burnside also said the Kings hadn't won a postseason round since making the Stanley Cup Finals in 1993; maybe his cable was out when L.A. knocked out the Red Wings in the first round of the 2001 playoffs.
He also mentioned the Kings' trade for defensive prospect Jack Johnson (whom he referred to as a "potential blue stud," whatever the hell that quasi-homoerotic nomenclature is supposed to mean), and then later predicted that Tim Gleason would round out L.A.'s defense — you know, the same Tim Gleason that was traded to Carolina for the aforementioned potential blue stud?
He also identified Anze Kopitar as Swedish. To be fair, I believe his hometown of Jesenice is often referred to as "Little Stockholm" in Yugoslavia.
Let it never be said ESPN doesn't care about hockey. But please remind your friends and family that it doesn't know $#@$% about it half the time.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Because offensively they have the depth of a kiddie pool, and because the L.A. Times seriously can't afford to cover that many playoff road games.
Worst Case Scenario — Sean Avery has an equal number of goals scored and fines paid.
PHOENIX COYOTES
(38-39-5; 5th in the Pacific Division; Forever immortalized as the Washington Generals to Ovechkin's Globetrotters.)
The last time I checked, Phoenix's odds for winning the Stanley Cup this season were at 48-to-1. But I understand the Coyotes' coaching staff knows someone who can tease that bad boy up to around 70-1 for a $500 minimum vig...
By the way: I am the only one who found it unintentionally hilarious that Jeremy Roenick announced he was going avoid the limelight in an exclusive interview with a major daily newspaper?
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — The Coyotes are good on paper — very good on defense, in fact. But winning the Stanley Cup is a bit of a tall order for a franchise that's in a potentially murderous division if the Kings aren't the train wreck some predict them to be.
Worst Case Scenario — The Coyotes miss the playoff cut, allowing them ample time to dry clean and vacuum the red carpet for Todd Bertuzzi's arrival.
SAN JOSE SHARKS
(44-27-11; 2nd in the Pacific; Eliminated by Edmonton even after the Oilers were nice enough to spot them two games.)
[Excerpts from San Jose General Manager Doug Wilson's daytime planner.]
5:30 AM: Wake up. Check police blotter to make sure Joe Thornton isn't a "healthy scratch" tonight.
5:43 AM: Recall that the second-best player on team is named "Cheechoo." Giggle incessantly.
6:00 AM: Head to Airport. Call Ottawa front office, remind them that they're literally one Nabokov away from winning the Stanley Cup.
10:00 AM: Log on to Wikipedia. See if the franchise's greatest mark on sports history is still "along with the Charlotte Hornets of the NBA, are often credited with popularizing teal as a color for American sports teams."
10:47 AM: Call Philadelphia front office. Apologize for the whole Mike Rathje thing. Remind them that they're literally one Toskala away from winning the Stanley Cup.
1:30 PM: Arrive in New Jersey. Mow Lou Lamoriello's lawn. Head back to airport.
2:30 PM: Return Pat Falloon's call. Come up with yet another convenient excuse as for why we won't be retiring his number this season.
2:33 PM: Return Ray Shero's call, RE: "Did you know your team is literally one M.A. Fluery away from winning the Stanley Cup?"
8:30 PM: Arrive Back in California. Prepare for tomorrow's flight to New Jersey, RE: picking up Lou Lamoriello's dry cleaning and giving him a scalp massage.
Why They Won't Win the Stanley Cup — Truth be told, they're my pick. I love any team with a rock-solid top line, a strong second-line center, grit all over the place and — if recent history is any indication — two goalies that could carry a team in the postseason if they're in a groove. They won't win the Stanley Cup if they don't add another veteran offensive defenseman; you know, besides Vladimir "I'm not retired, I'm just a deserter" Malakhov.
Worst Case Scenario — Joe Thornton and Jonathan Cheechoo pick up more hardware, but the Sharks as a whole do not.
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book is "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History." His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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