NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 5

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Buffalo @ Chicago

Let's hope last week's 37-6 Bears win over Seattle was not a preview of the NFC Championship Game. Hell, after that performance, let's hope Seattle doesn't even make the playoffs. Reigning NFL Defensive Player of the Year Brian Urlacher was second on the Bears with five tackles as the Bears held the Seattle to 230 yards total offense and said good "bye" to the 'Hawks.

"It's a good thing we pressed that 'easy button,'" says Urlacher, "As you know, last year we smoked the Panthers in the regular season, then they came back in the playoffs and whipped us. So, if we meet the Seahawks in the playoffs, we'll be ready for them, just as long as they don't pick up Steve Smith from now until then. Now, for the last time Jimmy Johnson, I do not know what happened to Napoleon when he tried to invade Russia. If I had to guess, I'd say he got Jacked Up!"

Buffalo running back Willis McGahee has kept his mouth shut and hasn't proclaimed himself the best running back in the NFL. He has chosen to do his talking on the field and not off, and it has paid off. McGahee leads the league in rushing with 389 yards.

"You darn right it's paid off," says McGahee. "I just signed endorsement deals with Hertz Rental Cars and Dingo Boots. And to reward myself, I bought a 1991 tricked-out white Ford Bronco."

The Bears haven't allowed a touchdown at home all year, and that won't change, unless the Bills score a touchdown. But they don't. Rex Grossman throws two touchdown passes, and the Bears force four turnovers.

Chicago wins, 26-10.

Cleveland @ Carolina

The Panthers are right back in the hunt in the NFC South after beating the undefeated Saints 21-18 last week in Charlotte. In his second game back, wide receiver Steve Smith had another big game, with 10 catches for 87 yards and a touchdown, and was cheap-shotted by New Orleans' linebacker Scott Fujita.

"Fujita-son try to hurt me long time," says Smith, waxing on and off under the guidance of trainer Mr. Miagi. "Now, me so ornery."

It's clear that the Panthers are a different team with Smith. What's different? They win. The Panthers are 0-2 without Smith, and 2-0 with him. They are also 2-0 in games in which Smith catches a pass, and 0-2 in games in which he doesn't.

"Wow! They're 4-4!" yells an excited Romeo Crenel, losing his balance momentarily, but regaining it, and proving once and for all that Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down. "We'd kill for that record. But we like our position. We're 1-3, just a 1/2-game behind the defending world champion Steelers. If the Steelers didn't suck, we could easily say we're in last in the toughest division in football. As it is, this year, as well as next year and the following year, are what we like to call 'rebuilding' years. Come 2009, we should be in position to challenge for that last wildcard spot."

Is this the game in which the Panthers finally explode and blow the Browns out, thereby showing the promise that many saw as a preseason Super Bowl-caliber team? Probably not. If it's inconsistency you're looking for in a team, the Panthers are it. But the Panthers should have another successful day running the ball as the Browns gave up 194 on the ground to the Raiders. Of course, the Browns still won. But Carolina is not the Raiders. It's De-Day in Carolina. DeShaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams combine for 150 yards rushing, and Smith catches a scoring bomb.

Carolina wins, 24-17. After the game, Kellen Winslow, hot-dogging in the parking lot on his crotch rocket, rams into the back of a car, causing the trunk to open. Out pops former Panther wide receiver Rae Carruth, who hightails it until he is tackled by police.

Detroit @ Minnesota

The Lions lost a shootout in St. Louis in a high-scoring Sunday in the NFL. Jon Kitna threw for 280 yards and two touchdowns, but tossed two costly interceptions as the Lions remained winless.

"Do not despair, denizen of the fine city of Detroit," says Lions head coach Rod Marinelli. "Sure, we may be winless, but the Tigers are in the baseball playoffs, and hockey season just started. Please, fans, if you must throw octopi on the field, make sure they're thrown in the direction of general manager Matt Millen."

After a 2-0 start, the Vikings have lost two straight, and now trail the Bears by two full games in the NFC North.

"I don't want to point fingers," says head coach Brad Childress, "so I'll just point one. If you'll look in the direction in which my right index finger is pointing, you'll see our offense, which has yet to score more than 19 points in a game. And that 19 came in overtime. Our defense has yet to give up more than 17 points. You've got to ask yourself: ehat would Mike Tice have done in this situation?"

I'm not sure, Brad, but it would have involved tickets, cash, and great seats.

The Vikes should find a little more offense against the Lions, who are surrendering close to 30 per game. Brad Johnson throws for three scores, and the Vikings win, 27-18.

Miami @ New England

When Smith Barney talks, people listen. When Bill Belichick talks trash, Chad Johnson and the Bengals shut up. Belichick good-naturedly traded barbs with the outspoken Bengals receiver a few days before the Patriots' 38-13 thrashing of the 3-0 Bengals in Cincinnati.

"I've honed my smack-talking skills watching MTV's Yo Momma," explains Belichick. "The gift of gab is the gift that I have, and that came in handy in the Deion Branch negotiations. Hey, check this out. If I pull the hood up on my filthy hooded sweatshirt and don these sunglasses, I look just like the Unabomber."

Miami lost 17-15 to the Texans, and their AFC East titles hopes are quickly slipping away. A loss to the Patriots and the Dolphins will be a full three games back just a quarter into the season.

"We realize the urgency of the situation," says Dolphins head coach Nick Saban. "That's why I've made an urgent plea to Sports Illustrated to retract their choice of the Dolphins to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. I've also canceled my subscription to SI, but I plan to renew in early February, just in time to receive the annual swimsuit issue."

Miami can still play a little defense, but their offense surprisingly lacks big-play ability. New England has that big-play ability in the form of the dreadlocked duo of rookie running back Laurence Maroney and wide receiver Doug Gabriel, acquired from the Raiders in the preseason. Maroney catches a TD pass, and Gabriel goes for 95 yards receiving and a TD.

New England wins, 26-13.

St. Louis @ Green Bay

It's just like old times in the NFC West — the Seahawks and Rams are tied for first, the Cardinals and 49ers are tied for last, and Kurt Warner still fumbles and throws interceptions like it's going out of style. The Rams outgunned the Lions 41-34 in Mike Martz's return to St. Louis, and improved to 3-1. Should they win in Green Bay, the Rams will host the Seahawks in Week 6 with the West lead up for grabs.

"And all we have to do is get by the Packers," says Rams coach Scott Linehan, sitting in Martz's old director's chair, labeled 'Genius.' "If you would have told me in August that we'd be 3-1 at this point, I would have replied 'Are you talking to me, or Mike Holmgren?"

After Monday's loss to the Eagles, Green Bay is 1-3, but Brett Favre is still throwing BBs and is still in pursuit of Dan Marino's NFL record of 420 touchdown passes.

"Of course I'm still in pursuit of the record, you idiot," says a perturbed Favre, applying a heavy dose of Grecian Formula to his graying beard. "I was at 402 before the game. What, did you expect me to throw 18 touchdowns in Philly?"

Of course not, Brett. But, is just one touchdown too much to ask? Apparently.

Favre gets numbers 403 and 404, but Marc Bulger tops him with three touchdowns, narrowing the gap between he and Marino to 344.

Rams win, 30-22.

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

The Panthers blocked the Saints' bid to go 4-0 with a 21-18 win in Charlotte. With the New Orleans' defense keying on Steve Smith, the Panther running game finally found daylight, rushing for 167 yards. The Saints, however, are still in first at 3-1, holding the head-to-head tiebreaker against the Falcons, who are also 3-1.

"As you know," says Reggie Bush, "I'm not used to losing. Especially not in the fourth game of the season. At USC, if we would have lost our fourth game of the season, fans would start coming to the games with paper bags over their heads. But I know Saints fans wouldn't think of doing such a thing."

The Saints will face the 0-3 Buccaneers, and that's good news for the Saints, who are 2-0 already this year against winless teams, with victories over the Packers and Browns before those teams got their first wins. Tampa will start rookie Bruce Gradkowski, affectionately known as "The Polish Sausage" for his imposing locker room presence, in place of injured Chris Simms.

"I'm going to use a popular cliche right now," says Tampa coach John Gruden. "We're not asking Bruce to win the game for us; we're just asking him not to lose it for. I'm also asking him to let me know if he feels at any time like he may lose a vital organ."

Gradkowski plays well, but the Saints get a late John Carney field goal for the winning margin.

New Orleans wins, 23-20.

Tennessee @ Indianapolis

The Jets took the Colts to the limit at the Meadowlands, finally losing 31-28 when Peyton Manning snuck in from the one with 50 seconds left. It was Manning's second rushing score in as many weeks, which gives him more rushing TDs than six teams in the league.

"Cool. I'm our quarterback and our goal line back," says Manning, emerging from inside a giant football in a misty rain. "It's the rebirth of cool. Damn, this is some delicious Gatorade. Anyway, who says we don't miss Edgerrin James?"

It was a rough day all around for the Titans last week. They were slammed by the Cowboys, 45-14, and defensive end Albert Haynesworth drew the ire of the Cowboys, Titans coach Jeff Fisher, and the league when he stepped on the face of Dallas center Andre Gurode. Haynesworth was suspended five games by the NFL.

"I don't know what Albert was thinking," says Fisher, wearing a t-shirt reading 'Fire Coach Fisher,' available exclusively at FireCoachFisher.com and Tennessee area Hooters. "That's just plain dirty. Even Bill Romanowski didn't stoop that low. With the Bengals on a bye week, I guess we're the league's bad boys for a week. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to sit down, kick back, and enjoy the NFL Networks' Movie of the Week, Menace II Sobriety: The Odell Thurman Story."

With the score tied 28-3 and the Colts threatening from the Titans' 13-yard line, Manning grabs the attention of a sideline cameraman.

"Hey you! Come here!" yells Manning. "It's 28-3. If you had NFL Sunday Ticket from DirecTV, you could watch my brother Eli against the Redskins, or another game. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to run. Actually, I think I'll pass."

Manning then hits Reggie Wayne for his fourth touchdown of the game.

Colts win, 35-13.

Washington @ N.Y. Giants

Washington quarterback Mark Brunell stuck it to his old team last week, hitting Santana Moss with a 68-yard touchdown pass in overtime as the Redskins beat Jacksonville 36-30. On the day, Brunell threw for 329 yards and three touchdowns, all to Moss.

"What can you say about Santana?" says Brunell. "He's the only Moss in this league producing right now. He's turned more heads than Kate Moss, and Santana doesn't even do cocaine, much less get photographed doing it in a nightclub. It was nice to stick it to my former team. Now, I get chance to stick it to my former coach, Tom Coughlin."

The Giants spent their bye week playing the blame game and counting the number of points their defense has surrendered. That number is 92, almost 31 a game.

"Our defense has been on bye all season," says Coughlin, mysteriously dressed in dark blue coveralls and a tam and calling himself 'The Hardliner.' "I'll give any other defense in the league a thousand dollars if they'll take the field against the Redskins. Seriously, we need this game much more than the Redskins, therefore, we better win, because if I have to hear another player say we were out-coached, I'm going to snap."

Coughlin's right. The G-Men need a win badly, and they get it, thanks to a defense that finally steps up and holds a team under their average of 30.6. Tiki Barber scores two touchdowns, and New York wins, 35-29.

Kansas City @ Arizona

Is the Kurt Warner era over in Arizona? Warner threw an interception and lost a fumble before being yanked for Matt Leinart in the fourth quarter.

"It's about time," says Arizona running back Edgerrin James. "With Matt in there, at least we're free to curse in the huddle. And when you play for Arizona, you curse a lot. But let's get to the real issue. We're going to be playing in the University of Phoenix Stadium when we could have been playing in the Pink Taco. Just when it looked like they were going to name this place the Pink Taco, it's snatched away in favor of the University of Phoenix. That place isn't even a legitimate university, unless you want an online degree in casino management/veterinary sciences. Now, enough about two white quarterbacks. Let's talk about two brothers with gold teeth. Don't miss the premiere of Grillz Gone Wild on Spike TV, starring myself and Chad Johnson."

Obviously, Warner taught Leinart well. In his quarter of work, Leinart threw an interception and fumbled. And it won't be any easier against the Chiefs, who feature two tough cornerbacks in Ty Law and Patrick Surtain. And, if the Falcons rushed for over 200 yards against the Cards, what can arry Johnson do against the Arizona defense?

"It took two Falcons to break 200 yards," says Johnson. "I'll do it by myself."

Johnson doesn't quite get 200, but 180 and two touchdowns is enough to lead the Chiefs to a 30-16 win.

N.Y. Jets @ Jacksonville

It's a battle between quarterback alumni of the Marshall Thundering Herd, as New York's Chad Pennington and Byron Leftwich face off to determine which of these teams is "for real." The Jags looked for real after blanking the Steelers 9-0 on September 17th, but have dropped two straight since then. The Jets are off to a 2-2 start, but have played the Patriots and Colts tough.

"I'm the president of the Marshall Alumni Association," says Pennington. "Byron's the Vice-President, and Randy Moss is the Minister of Recreation. We also are the only three members. Analysts will draw all kinds of comparisons between Byron and I. I'm sure first on that list will be arm strength. I know Byron can throw the pigskin much harder than me, but have you seen his windup? It takes him at least three seconds to throw the ball. He definitely needs to go to the stretch, otherwise baserunners will be able to steal second and third on him at once."

The Jags are still smarting from the Redskins' 36-point explosion; they had previously surrendered only 38 in their previous three games. Expect them to be a little more stingy with the points. Leftwich and Pennington play to a stalemate, with two touchdowns apiece, but the Jags prevail, 20-14. The Jets' last-ditch effort to return the kickoff for a score using multiple laterals is foiled when the Stanford band storms the field, blocking the Jets' route to paydirt.

Oakland @ San Francisco

Over at Oakland's McAfee Coliseum, they call the baseball team the 'A's.' At Network Associates Coliseum, they call the football team the 'L's.' After blowing a 21-3 lead, the Raiders lost 24-21 to the Browns, and now sport three L's and no W's in the standings.

"There's only one thing I can do about it," says Raider underachiever Randy Moss, "and that's smoke some J's, drink some OE, listen to the Bee Gee's, watch The OC, and dream of Californication. You feel me, G? Now someone offer the Raiders a delicious deal, like a middle first-round pick, and get me out of this black hole, before I bring this organization to its knees. Y'all holla back."

"This season is not lost," insists Raider coach Art Shell. "Despite being the first head coach in history to have the 'interim' lable affixed to his title midseason, I will keep fighting for this team. I realize my head is so big that I cannot wear a Raiders cap; I simply must rest it upon my head. But 'big head' does not necessarily mean big ego. I'll gladly concede this job to anyone more qualified. I hear Bill Romanowski is doing great things with his son's flag football team. He's actually protesting rough play. I never expected that from him."

San Francisco will look to rebound from their blowout loss to the Chiefs, and the Raiders are always ripe for the picking. 49er officials enlist retired San Fran cop Dirty Harry Callahan as honorary coin tosser for this Bay Area showdown.

"You've got to ask yourself, 'Do you feel lucky?' Well do you, punk?" Callahan says to Frisco captain Eric Johnson.

"Yes, I do, Officer Callahan," replies Johnson. "I'll take tails."

Tails it is, and the 49ers wisely elect to receive, and score on their opening drive. They never look back. Frank Gore sneaks some stickum into the game and holds on to the ball for a goal line score.

San Francisco wins, 20-9.

Dallas @ Philadelphia

There's a hot new board game that is selling like stolen cars in Philadelphia. It's from the good people at Milton Bradley, and it's called Operation: T.O. Use the tweezers to place a pin in Terrell Owens' finger, and remove pills from his mouth. Careful! Touch the sides and a concerned friend will dial 911. First one to take T.O.'s foot out of his mouth is the winner.

"That's not funny," insists Owens' super-agent Drew Rosenhaus. "Do you see me laughing? Do you see my new client the Burger King laughing? Next question."

"I've got to be the better man and speak up about this," says Philly quarterback Donovan McNabb. "Rosenhaus is right. It's not funny. It's freakin' hilarious! T.O.'s a pill. Maybe he didn't try to commit suicide, but he's been committing career suicide since he's been in the NFL. T.O.'s in for the worst day of his life, and there's two things he can do about it: nothing and like it."

Will the fans of Philadelphia show any compassion whatsoever for Owens? Is Philly cheese steak good for your heart? It's a cruel welcome for Owens. During Dallas introductions, Philly hit men/waste disposal engineers/bookies/travel agents/goombahs Vinny and Joey commandeer the sound system and play Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution" as Owens takes the field. Owens plays along, and strikes back in the first quarter. Owens takes a pass over the middle from Drew Bledsoe and races 17 yards for the score. He then takes a bottle of Flintstone chewables out of his jersey and downs the contents of the entire bottle, then tosses the empty bottle into the stands. It is quickly filled with battery acid and thrown right back at Owens.

With the score tied 24-24 late in the fourth, McNabb scrambles in for a touchdown from the five, giving the Eagles a 31-24 win.

Pittsburgh @ San Diego

Have you noticed that the two teams to beat Pittsburgh this year, Jacksonville and Cincinnati, almost immediately after winning were hailed as solid Super Bowl contenders? Then, the following week, each was beaten. The Jags went down to the Colts, while the Bengals got their racing stripes trimmed by the Patriots.

"No, I didn't notice that," says San Diego quarterback Phillip Rivers, "nor do I care. My concentration rests solely on beating the Steelers, and on what to do with this case of cough syrup given to me by my teammate Terrence Kiel. He must have a serious cough problem. You know, the funny thing is, I've never even seen him cough once. He does seem to be a little loopy most of the time."

The Chargers are coming off a physical 16-13 loss to the Ravens, and now must face a Steeler squad rested after a bye week and in dire need of a win.

"It's time to put up or shut up," says Pittsburgh linebacker Joey Porter, "and since I don't shut up, I guess we'll put up. Our dukes, that is. It's time for Ben Roethlisberger to start playing like Big Ben and stop playing like Tommy Maddox. Hey, listen. Can you hear it? Click-clack. Click-clack. I love the sound of Under Armor footwear on concrete in the evening."

With a click-clack, paddy-wack, give Porter's pit bulls a bone, and they'll ignore it. They'll attack a horse or some other helpless creature. But, as we all know, owning pit-bulls, like $5,000 rims that you make payments on, makes you cool.

Anyway, Roethlisberger has something to prove — that he can still throw the ball 50 yards downfield, and Bill Cowher will give his troops a searingly motivational, spittle-flavored speech beforehand. The Steelers respond and let it be known that they are still contenders.

Pittsburgh wins, 20-16.

Baltimore @ Denver

After last week's thrilling 16-13 win over the Chargers, the Ravens are one of only three undefeated teams in the league and lead the AFC North, ahead of Cincinnati and Pittsburgh, whom most experts believed would battle it out for the division crown.

"Most experts?" asks the Ravens beak-nosed Brian Billick, enjoying a bouquet of purple roses sent to him by Baltimore general manager Ozzie Newsome, with a card reading '4-0. Way to go!.' "Ha! I'll have those fools eating crow after we snuff the Broncos on Monday. Our gameplan is simple: if we can ride them for eight seconds without getting bucked, then we win. Now, if we get into trouble and can't get off, we'll send in the clown. That would be me. I really haven't had to make a significant decision for this team yet. I've told our defense that they need to score every now and then. And I've made quite a few brilliant decisions to punt this year. Hopefully, this defense can carry me to my second Super Bowl win, which would place me in the company of coaches in which I certainly don't belong. Like Don Shula, Bill Parcells, George Halas, and many others."

Also on that list would be red-faced demon Mike Shanahan, who hitched a ride on John Elway's right arm all the way to two Super Bowls.

"I still think Jake Plummer can lead this team to the Super Bowl," says Shanahan, "given directions and unlimited gasoline. We know the Ravens want to force Jake into bad decisions and turnovers. I just want Jake to make the high percentage throws and roll out on occasion to keep away of the Ravens' pass rush. If he can get us into field goal range, I think that might be enough points to win this game."

This should be a physical, bruising, hotly-contested meeting. Too bad the Baltimore and Denver defenses won't be on the field at the same time. Jason Elam kicks three field goals, and Champ Bailey seals the win with a late interception.

Denver wins, 16-10.