Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ Atlanta
Hey, how's this for an original way to defend Michael Vick? Take the run out of his game and force him to pass. It worked for the Saints in their Superdome homecoming last Monday night, as they beat the Falcons 23-3 and now sit alone in first at 3-0 in the NFC South.
"We just didn't have our heads in the game," explains Atlanta coach Jim Mora. "It's like we had vertigo, and were walking down the boulevard of broken dreams, where the streets have no name. We were a basket case. But at least Green Day and U2 were on their game."
Arizona's Kurt Warner threw three interceptions and fumbled twice in the Cards' 16-14 loss at home last Sunday. One interception was in the end zone, and Warner fumbled a snap as Arizona was driving for the winning score late in the game. It was enough for coach Dennis Green to give Matt Leinart the start in Atlanta.
"It's about time," says Leinart, previewing the director's (his) cut to the film Last Tango in Paris II. "No offense to Kurt, but we needed a change. Kurt and I are very different. He's right-handed, I'm left-handed. He's a one-woman man. I'm an every-woman dude. Kurt fumbles snaps. I don't. Kurt is very religious. I worship the devil. Actually, I don't worship the devil, but I do kind of like the guy. But it's great to get the start in Atlanta. Like my cellular service with Cingular, Atlanta's got 'more bars' — more nudie bars, that is."
Not so fast, my friend. That report of Leinart starting must not have come from "The Professor," ESPN's John Clayton, because Warner will be the starter.
"Sweet!" says Leinart. "I just reset my curfew to 4 AM!"
It's a bad time for the Cardinals to meet the Falcons. With a mini-quarterback controversy (that is, a minor quarterback controversy, not a quarterback controversy involving midgets) and a road game in Atanta against a Falcons team that was just embarrassed on national television, Arizona could be in trouble.
The Falcons get their running game back in order, rushing for 220 yards, and Warner is benched in favor of the hung-over Leinart in the third quarter.
Atlanta wins, 30-21.
Dallas @ Tennessee
The Titans are 0-3 and one thing is quickly becoming apparent.
"What's that?" replies Titans coach Jeff Fischer. "We suck? Or, I'm a fool for signing Kerry Collins to play quarterback? Or, I'm a fool for allowing Kerry Collins to start our first three games? Or, all of the above?"
That would be all of the above. Don't you wish you would have been a little nicer to Billy Volek? What's it going to take to get Vince Young a start around here?
"Another Collins' start, I guess," replies Fisher.
Dallas' Terrell Owens spent the Cowboys' bye week rehabbing his broken finger, not on a stationary bike, but with the phone book.
"Yeah, Coach Parcells will love this," says Owens. "Just take the Yellow Pages, and let your fingers do the walking."
"Hey, T.O.," yells a perturbed Parcells, "I'll let four of my fingers do the walking, and this one do the flying."
Owen's also spent the later part of the week insisting that he did not try to commit suicide.
"Come on," says Owens. "I'm the best receiver in the game. If I would have tried to commit suicide, I would have succeeded. I'm good at everything I do."
"I'm stunned by these allegations," counters Parcells. "T.O. seemed fine the other night during our game of Russian Roullette. I can't believe he would try to kill himself."
Titans fans are disappointed — they don't get to see Owens play, and they're forced to watch Collins start yet another game. They're also disappointed in the outcome: a 28-13 Dallas victory.
Indianapolis @ N.Y. Jets
Jacksonville slowed Indianapolis' high-powered offense, allowing the Colts only 272 total yards, including 63 on the ground. Two of those rushing yards came on Peyton Manning's rushing TD that accounted for the winning points in Indy's 21-14 victory.
"I'm not the fastest guy in the world," says Manning, who usually runs his 40-yard dashes over two days. "In fact, I'm not the fastest guy in any country, state, county, city, building, room, or closet. I knew I was slow, but I realized I was even slower when I saw Penn State coach Joe Paterno sprint across the field for a pit stop. I thought running from the Jaguars was an urgent situation. I guess when you're 79, there are more "pressing" issues. I think Joe Pa sprung a leak."
The Jets are 2-1 after last week's upset of the Bills, and quarterback Chad Pennington is shouldering the load, having thrown five touchdowns and only one interceptions. He also has a higher quarterback rating than Manning (103.4 to 96.6).
"Hey," says Pennington, "that's the first time 'Pennington' and 'shoulder' have been used in a sentence and not followed by 'injury.' But I'll put my arm up against Peyton's anytime, as long as I don't have to hold it up too long and I can take this wristband off. When that thing gets sweaty, I can barely lift my arm."
Are the Jets for real? A raucous Meadowlands crowd seems to think so, and Jets fans lob the usual batteries, coins, and bottles at the Colts, but with a nice personal touch, some sling horseshoes at the Indy players. Pennington is amazed that people can throw things so far. Anyway, the Jets have lived by turnover margin so far this year, but the Colts and Manning just don't turn the ball over. Manning throws two touchdowns, and the Colts win, 31-24.
Miami @ Houston
Let's see. Houston's David Carr is the NFL's top-rated quarterback, with a 113.6 rating. To the rest of the legitimate quarterbacks, and Kerry Collins, in the league, that fact is an upset of epic proportions, much like North Carolina State's monumental defeat of the Houston Cougars in the 1983 NCAA championship game.
"They won it, on the dunk, right?" asks Carr. "That was a massive upset, with the Cardiac Kids shocking Phi Slamma Jamma. Hey, what do you get when you cross your momma with Phi Slamma Jamma? A bad mamma jamma. Just as fine as she can be. It's clear that such a high QB rating has left me delirious, hasn't it?"
Meanwhile, Miami's Daunte Culpepper is the league's 22nd-rated passer. That's not good for the Dolphins, but good for us, because we don't have to see him do that silly "rolling, rolling" gesture he does when he makes a big play. It looks stupid on the field, but when Daunte breaks out that move at the "Thursday Night Danceoff" at the Copacabana, it's pretty cool.
"It doesn't seem logical that Carr would be rated so high and I so low," says Culpepper. "But who am I to speak of logic? Look on my helmet. There's a dolphin wearing a helmet jumping through a hoop. Does that seem logical?"
No, it doesn't, Daunte. But neither does me drafting you on my fantasy team.
With AFC North counterparts New England and the Jets playing underdogs this week, and Buffalo just a slight favorite over Minnesota, it's a great time for the Fins to pick up a game on the entire division. Ronnie Brown rushes for 130 yards and a score, but Carr keeps the Texans in it.
Dolphins win, 26-24.
Minnesota @ Buffalo
1980s rock icon Meatloaf said it best, between meals and heart attacks, when he crooned, "Don't feel bad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad, but zero for four, that just plain sucks."
Oh for four. That would be the Vikings' and the Bills' records in Super Bowls. It takes an accountant to calculate their number of losses in the big game.
"That's why I'm here," says Vikings coach Brad Childress. "To get us to the Super Bowl and actually win the thing. Now, I know people don't hear the name 'Brad Childress' and think 'That guy will take the Vikes to a Super Bowl win.' They hear the name 'Brad Childress' and think 'That guy could possibly take Minnesota to the second round of the playoffs, and I bet he'd make a great assistant coach in the Pro Bowl.' Don't think I won't be scalping some tickets there."
The Vikes lost a tough 19-16 decision at home to the Bears, and look to rebound against the Bills and Willis McGahee, who seems to have rediscovered his form after a disappointing 2005. The Vikes will counter with their own workhorse, Chester Taylor, who has given Minnesota a reliable running game behind new offensive guard Steve Hutchinson.
"Willis versus Chester?" says Hutchinson. "Sounds like the finals in an Accountant of the Year contest. I'll be in my Buffalo Stance for this one."
This is Minnesota's first game against a non-playoff qualifier from 2005. With a win against the Bills, and a victory next week against the Lions, the Vikes would head into their bye week at 4-1. Important when Seattle and New England loom in weeks seven and eight. Minnesota won't let this one slip away. Taylor rushes for a score, and Ryan Longwell kicks the game-clincher. Vikings win 17-14. Afterwards, the Vikings celebrate at Niagara Falls, where they charter the Maid of the Mist, and Fred Smoot goes over the falls in a barrell with two lovelies and immediately writes a letter to Penthouse.
New Orleans @ Carolina
It took a John Kasay 46-field goal with two seconds left, but the Panthers finally got their first win of the season, 26-24, over the Bucs in Tampa. Kasay also kicked three other field goals, and the Panthers nearly blew a 17-0 lead. Now, they welcome the NFC South-leading Saints, the league's biggest surprise, to Charlotte.
"We've got something for the Saints when they come marching in to Bank of America Stadium," warns Carolina defensive end Julius Peppers. "No, it's not hard hits and stifling defense. It's an armful of beaded necklaces, and if they don't get topless, there will be hell to pay."
Bush and the Saints whipped the Falcons 23-3 on Monday night in front of an emotional Superdome crowd. Bush rushed for 53 yards and is still looking for his first NFL touchdown.
"Maybe I haven't scored a touchdown," says Bush, "but I have bought more houses for relatives than any other player in the league. I'd like to give a shout out to the 619 area code. Call me. Collect."
Is this a must win for the Panthers? You bet. A loss and Carolina is three-games out of first in the NFC South. Not only that, Carolina has upcoming dates at Baltimore and at Cincinnati, so it's imperative they win, especially at home. Steve Smith catches a TD pass from Jake Delhomme, and Peppers has two sacks and a fumble recovery.
Panthers win, 28-24.
San Diego @ Baltimore
Are the Ravens really that good? Sure, they're 3-0, but those three wins have come at the expense of teams with a combined 0-8 record. Doesn't that make Baltimore's strength of schedule something in the negative numbers?
"Hey, if you take away our wins over those three teams," says the Ravens' Brian Billick, "then they're 0-5, which is much better than 0-8. Doesn't that improve our strength of schedule? I think so, and that should be enough to guarantee us a BCS bowl game."
Isn't that the kind of twisted reasoning that the BCS actually uses to determine the national champion?
San Diego's Phillip Rivers will face his toughest test since his Leisure Studies 101 final exam in his final year of matriculation at North Carolina State.
"First of all," says Rivers, "I have never matriculated in my life. I don't do that. It's perverted. Second of all, Coach Amato had my final grade changed in that class to a 'B,' even though I made an 'A.' He's so used to changing the grades of those 'non-qualifiers' he's so quick to condemn on other teams."
Rivers has faced the Oakland and Tennessee defenses so far this year. Has that prepared him for what he'll see against the Ravens?
"We're gonna be on him like Joey Porter's pit bulls on a horse," says Ray Lewis. "You know, I think those dogs also car-jacked a Cadillac, also."
To say this will be a defensive struggle would be an understatement. The Raven defense is allowing only 1.8 yards per rush, while San Diego gives up only 3.5. The Ravens won't let LaDainian Tomlinson beat them, so it will be up to Rivers to prove his mettle. There will be a lot of kicking in this game.
Ravens win, 16-12.
San Francisco @ Kansas City
Do quarterback injuries follow Herman Edwards wherever he goes? It certainly seems that way. Last year, Chad Pennington's injured shoulder left Edward's changing quarterbacks more than Larry Johnson used to change his diapers. This year, in his second game as head coach of the Chiefs, Edwards watched as Trent Green was KO'd, leaving Green out indefinitely. Are you cursed, Herm?
"Cursed? Me? No way," replies Edwards, proudly reminiscing about the day when he scooped up a Joe Piscarcik fumble and raced to the end zone, giving the Eagles a dramatic win over the Giants back in 1978. "I'm resilient. I always come back strong, sometimes with a new team. But wherever I go, I'm always a players' coach. What other coach in this league would sit around a camp fire with his players singing 'Kumbaya.' Only Herm Edwards. Now, who's my backup quarterback. Vinny Testaverde? Elvis Grbac?"
Actually, Herm, it was Damon Huard, who played well in the Chiefs' Week 2 loss to the Broncos, one of the league's better defenses. Kansas City will look to get in the win column when the 49ers visit Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday.
In their 38-24 loss to the Eagles, San Francisco running back Frank Gore and tight end Vernon Davis were both injured on a 98-yard fumble return for a touchdown by Philly defensive tackle Mike Patterson. Gore was trying to score but lost the ball, and was injured trying to recover.
"Frank's made it a habit of fumbling in the red zone," says San Fran coach Mike Nolan, "much like Al Gore in Florida in the 2000 election. I don't know what Frank's problem is, but he can't seem to shut up about global warming."
Without his running back and speedy tight end, Alex Smith will find offense hard to come bye against a Chiefs squad rested from a bye week and looking for their first win. Larry Johnson rushes for 140 yards and scores two touchdowns.
Kansas City wins, 26-14.
Detroit @ St. Louis
Detroit's Jon Kitna may have fully grasped offensive coordinator Mike Martz's new offense just in time for Martz's return to St. Louis. Kitna threw for 342 yards and two touchdowns in the Lions' 31-24 loss to the Packers.
"Coach Martz has reminded me hundreds of times that he was the architect of the 'Greatest Show on Turf,'" says Kitna. "He's also asked my on numerous occasions to kneel and kiss his Super Bowl ring, and I've happily obliged. Then, he asked me to wax his lance, but I had to refuse. I have a little self-respect. You know, we've got two jesters in this court, Martz and general manager Matt Millen, who researches draft picks like you and I research grocery store purchases."
"I guarantee next year I don't draft a wide receiver," says Millen.
The Rams lay out the red carpet for Martz, then jerk it out from under him. They also block his access to the coaches' booths, even those of his own team. Then the Rams make a startling discovery: Martz is still using the same play calls that he used in St. Louis. With this information, the Rams' defense dominates. Torry Holt scores two touchdowns, beating his brother Terrence for a 60-yard score in the second quarter. He then is penalized for taunting his younger brother, 15 yards by officials and a grounding by his parents.
Rams win, 27-20.
Cleveland @ Oakland
The Raiders spent their bye week much like they did their opening week: scoreless. Coach Art Shell regrouped and encouraged his team to rededicate itself to the basic fundamentals of football.
"You mean, like, scoring?" says Randy Moss, teasing his afro with a yard rake, while tending his corn rows with a hoe. "No, you mean 'ho.' It's so bad, Art brought in Kenny Stabler and Dave Casper to show us the old 'Fumblerooski' trick. But the last thing we need is intentional fumbles when we can't even control the accidental ones."
The Browns suffered a heartbreaking 15-14 loss to the Ravens, but the loss gave the team confidence that they could hang with the league's tougher teams.
"We're not taking the Raiders lightly," says Browns coach Romeo Crenel. "We realize when backed into a black hole, the Raiders are apt to explode, or implode, depending on Randy Moss' mood. I see a lot of potential in the Raiders. They remind me a lot of the great Washington teams of years past. Not the Redskins, but the Generals. You know the team of scrubs that the Harlem Globetrotters whipped on a nightly basis."
Late in the fourth, with the Raiders trailing 17-10, Moss pulls the Meadowlark Lemon "confetti in the bucket" trick, fooling Browns defensive back Gary Baxter. Andrew Walter hits Moss for the game-tying score. On the next play from scrimmage, Charlie Frye hits Braylon Edwards for a 75-yard TD strike.
Browns win, 24-17.
Jacksonville @ Washington
Jacksonville rushed for 191 yards, limited the Colts to only 272 yards of total offense, and held the ball for nearly 19 minutes more than Indy. Fred Taylor rushed for 74 yards, and rookie Maurice Jones-Drew tallied 103 yards on the ground. Still the Jags fell 21-14, and coach Jack Del Rio was left scratching his head.
"We basically carried out our game plan perfectly," says Jack Del Rio, "except for the 'scoring more than your opponent' part. But I'm encouraged by Maurice's performance. He's a strong runner, and he has three names, which doesn't mean much as running backs go, but fifteen years ago it would have got him a part on The Cosby Show or Saved By the Bell. And speaking of Saved By the Bell, is it true that Screech has a sex tape out? Yikes! That sends shivers up my spine, much like the kicking of my kicker, Josh Scobee, last week."
The Jags will face the Redskins and quarterback Mark Brunell, hot off of setting an NFL record of 22 straight completions in the 'Skins' 31-15 win over the Texans.
"Well, I can't take too much credit," says Brunell. "We were playing the Texans, after all. It was so easy, I think a Geico caveman could have done it. No offense to any remaining cavemen, of course."
Last week, NFC East quarterbacks were a combined 66-96 and six touchdowns, but they weren't playing the Jaguars. Brunell won't complete 22 passes, much less complete 22 in a row. Jacksonville pounds their running game, and their defense holds the 'Skins to 13 points.
Jags win, 17-13.
New England @ Cincinnati
Despite enduring six sacks, two fumbles, and three interceptions, Bengals' quarterback Carson Palmer was on target when it counted, throwing four touchdown passes, two each to Chris Henry and T.J. Houshmandzedah, as the Bengals knocked off the Steelers, 28-20.
"I just wanted to come in here and show people what I was made of," says Palmer. "And that is 99.99% Carson Palmer, and .01% of someone else. It gives me great comfort to know that if my knee or any other part of me is hurt, I can simply order a spare part from the Ligament Emporium and go on my merry way. By the way, I don't fear Tom Brady at all. Take away the three Super Bowl rings and replace his left knee ligament with that of cadaver, and we're practically the same."
New England failed to avenge its playoff loss to the Broncos, as they were physically dominated by Denver in a 17-7 loss.
"Enough about the Broncos," says Brady. "Until Jake Plummer shows me a Super Bowl ring and a clean driving record, he's nothing to me. Nothing. Now, onto the Bengals. When you talk about the Bengals, one name comes to mind: police. It looks like another Bengals is in trouble. Frankly, I'm stunned, that the Cincinnati police haven't opened a substation inside Paul Brown Stadium. But I must offer my congratulations to the Bengals' organization on their new television contract with Court TV."
The Patriots defense has been prone to giving up big plays, and against the Bengals high-powered offense, that's bad news. Palmer throws three TD passes, and the Bengals win, 30-23.
Seattle @ Chicago
Matt Hasselbeck threw five touchdown passes, four in the first half, as the Seahawks jumped on the Giants 35-0 before eventually winning 42-30. Hasselbeck ended his day with 227 yards passing as the Seahawks remained undefeated.
"I watched some film of the Giants' defense and noticed one glaring hole," explains Hasselbeck. "Their defense. They looked totally lost, like their coach didn't even prepare them for the situation. Maybe he didn't. Who am I to say? That's for the Giants organization to handle, and apparently, they have their hands full of those situations. I guess Giants' policy is to force the player to make an apology. But I've got more pressing issues, like the Bears on Sunday, and the Patriots in China in 2007. Are the Chinese people ready to give up ping pong for American football?"
Once again, the name of the game in Chicago is defense, but that funky QB known as Grossman is keeping the offense up to speed.
"I motivate the cats, I like to tease," says Rex Grossman. "I play so cool, I aim to please. Somebody slap me, on the double, 'cause white men rapping ain't nothing but trouble."
Seattle running back Shaun Alexander supposedly fell victim to the "Madden Curse," whose legend brings injury to whomever appears on that year's Madden football video game. Alexander is out with a broken bone in his foot.
"Not only that," says Alexander, "but I've got a sudden fear of flying, and a burning urge to make sentimental small talk with Pat Summerall."
Great, Shaun. Now you can fully devote yourself to cheerleading on the sidelines.
Expect both offenses to play conservatively and wait for their defenses to cause a turnover and put the offense in field goal range. The running games won't be much of a factor, at least yardage-wise, but they will keep the clock moving. And that will get this game over in a hurry.
Bears win, 24-20.
Green Bay @ Philadelphia
Brett Favre threw his 400th touchdown pass early in the Packers 31-24 win over the Lions at Ford Field. The Packers' aging gunslinger also tossed TD's number 401 and 402, and now has his sights set on Dan Marino's NFL record of 420.
"I'm coming for you, Marino," says Favre. "Let's see if I can throw 18 more TDs before you can lose 18 more pounds on your Nutrisystem diet. Come on, Dan. When I see you on television, I don't want to hear about diets. I want to hear about football. And maybe the latest styles in Isotoner gloves."
Philadelphia's Donovan McNabb is off to a flying start, leading the NFL with 960 yards through the air. Fantastic, Donovan! What do you think of Terrell Owens?
"I've just got a few words for Terrell Owens and his supposed suicide attempt," says McNabb. "Better luck next time. But seriously, T.O., if you need to talk, there are about two billion other people you should call before you call me."
It's a shootout at Lincoln Financial Field. McNabb and Favre both come out with guns blazing, and each throws for 300 yards. McNabb hits Reggie Brown for the game-winning score in the fourth quarter.
Eagles win, 35-28.
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