Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Burton — Burton leapt to the top of the points with a victory in the Dover 400, his first win since October of 2001. He dueled Matt Kenseth down the stretch for several laps, finally making the pass for good when Kenseth ran out of gas. Burton now leads Jeff Gordon by six points.
"Are we still being accused of cheating?" asks Burton. "It's just a coincidence that the cheating allegations arise just a week before I win my first race since 2001. By the way, I just signed a new sponsorship deal with my favorite snack, Cheetos."
2. Jeff Gordon — Despite starting on the pole, Gordon didn't even lead the first lap, but he did come home third for the second straight race. That left him only six points out of first in the standings behind Dover race winner Jeff Burton.
"That's a waste of a pole, isn't it?" says Gordon. "And to think I was passed on the first lap by Ryan Newman, the former king of the pole. Where's that guy been all year?"
3. Matt Kenseth — The decision to remain on the track and forego a pit stop turned out to be the wrong call, as Kenseth fought to hold off Jeff Burton on old tires then ran out of gas two laps from the end. The mistake was costly, but not disastrous; Kenseth still finished 10th and is only 18 points behind points leader Jeff Burton.
"It's inexcusable to come up that short," says Kenseth. "I can understand running out of gas on the backstraight, but two laps? I want to know who was making the mileage calculations, and what they were using. A set of dice?"
4. Denny Hamlin — Despite feeling ill and weakened throughout the race, Hamlin still managed a ninth-place finish for his 15th top-10 of the year. He dropped two spots in the points, but now trails the leader by only 18 points.
"It must have been the spinach I ate just before the race," says Hamlin. "Normally, it gives me strength. Not this time, though. But, I shouldn't complain. I can lay off the spinach, but what can Popeye the Sailor Man do?"
5. Kevin Harvick — Harvick suffered his first did-not-finish of the year because of engine problems that eventually led to his retirement with less than 40 laps remaining at Dover. He had worked his way into the top 10, but the engine woes relegated him to a finish of 32nd, which dropped him four spots in the points to fifth, 54 behind teammate Jeff Burton.
"It's good to see my teammate Jeff Burton picked up the slack," says Harvick. "Maybe now those cheating allegations will be directed at him and not me. Pssst! Check his tires."
6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt suffered early handling problems and an unusual amount of tire wear. That all came to a head on lap 282, when a flat tire forced the No. 8 car to make a green flag pit stop. Earnhardt lost two laps, and eventually finished 21st, three laps down. He is now seventh in the points, 102 behind Burton.
"Hey, it was worth it," says Earnhardt, "just to hear Hulk Hogan say, 'Gentlemen, start your engines, brother!'"
7. Jimmie Johnson — During a lap 26 pit stop, Johnson's crew let a tire get away and it rolled all the way across pit lane, which resulted in a penalty relegating him to the end of the longest line. He fought his way to second by lap 234, and pitted under green on lap 290. Then, a few laps later, a caution came out and Johnson lost a lap to the leaders.
"Yeah, but I still gained a position in the points," says Johnson. "Anyway, that's one time I wish the wheel had never been invented and tires were square."
8. Mark Martin — A caution on lap 297 was untimely for Martin, and left the No. 6 AAA Ford a lap down in 18th with just over 100 laps to go. Martin was only able to improve to 14th by race's end, still a lap down, and ended the day where he started — sixth in the points.
"I just realized something," says Martin. "Grand Marshall Hulk Hogan's bicep is the same size as my waist."
9. Kasey Kahne — A wreck just 12 laps in to the Dover 400 left Kahne on a stack of tires, watching the race while his crew repaired his car, while his hopes for a championship were smashed into the side of Tony Stewart's car.
"If Tony would have done that two races ago," says Kahne, "then maybe he would be in the Chase. Tony's right. The Chase field should be separated from the rest. I agree. That would keep people like Stewart from wrecking my chances."
10. Kyle Busch — Busch's engine blew on lap 110, and like Kahne, his championship chances were all but extinguished. After three-consecutive top 10's leading up to the Chase, Busch has finished 38th and 40th in the last two.
"I hope you didn't have me on your fantasy team," says Busch. "If you did, then, like me, you're done."
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